My partner humiliated me (us) in IEP meeting...how to repair?

[Anonymous]

Rich has Robert Felton, who did 30 years in MCPS as a teacher, coordinator for students with learning disabilities, and supervisor for special education at the county level. Thomas Pumphrey also did 30 years here, as a paraeducator, teacher and elementary school administrator.

Rich himself has spent 26 years in MCPS at the county level, including being the county's first 2E coordinator. He's written 6 books on special education, presented at conferences, and lectured at Hopkins. He also does expert witness work, which means he can testify at due process hearings. His group seems to have very deep knowledge about how this county operates, formidable resumes, and extensive contacts.

[Anonymous]

Liz has 21 years experience as a team leader, IEP coordinator, and teacher. She's been in 6 systems, so not all of that time was spent in this county. In MCPS she taught resource, inclusion, and ESY at the elementary level, middle school inclusion, middle and high school at an acute unit, and high school at a residential treatment center. She is also an expert witness, and testified at 60 due process hearings. She's done advocacy for foster children, and her website mentions that she's presented in DC Superior Court over 200 times. She seems to be most comfortable with challenging cases and high pressure situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It may be best to meet with the school separately from her from now on. For me, I just started leaving my husband out of the meetings and he hasn’t asked about them. I think they were just too stressful for him. He would take over and speak from a point where it was clear he had no idea what our DD needed and it was embarassing.

I have no idea why you or OP would be embarrassed. These are emotional and confusing concepts. The school is not exactly full of are not highly skilled professionals. They are, to be quite frank, often total hacks, and they take full advantage of people who don't have the ability or resources to understand the system. Save your embarrassment, Its misplaced here. Yes, it is generally better to be pleasant. It would also generally be better to actually serve children.

When you are unpleasant to staff see how they try to help your child….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just roll with it, good cop/bad cop style. Keep it in your back pocket for next time you need it.

this. schools try to weasel their way out of providing services. but yours knows your wife means business

Maybe because we are understaffed, unappreciated, and underfunded.

Thanks for helping with all 3!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry for being annoying and derailing the thread. I'm team wife btw. If you can't handle a fussy parent you aren't cut out for teaching!

And, this is why we have a teacher shortage.

I'm not going to tell you where you can take your snark, but please know it is not welcomed here.

Not pp, but it’s true. Especially in sped and especially in self contained.

Parent being rude to me will not make a difference in how I treat the child but it will make a difference in how I communicate with you, you’ll get the bare minimum and the response will be in 24 hours instead of within the hour that I’d do for other parents.

I already have plenty of idiots at central not funding special education to deal with, I don’t need crazy and disrespectful parents too.

However someone like OP mentioned, I’d likely write it off as stress, unless that was her demeanor in every instance.

I'm sorry, I'm not going to hold back being forceful and asking for what my kid deserves because I am walking on eggshells around teachers. And that includes when you're required to communicate promptly, as outlined in the IEP/BIP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry for being annoying and derailing the thread. I'm team wife btw. If you can't handle a fussy parent you aren't cut out for teaching!

And, this is why we have a teacher shortage.

I'm not going to tell you where you can take your snark, but please know it is not welcomed here.

Not pp, but it’s true. Especially in sped and especially in self contained.

Parent being rude to me will not make a difference in how I treat the child but it will make a difference in how I communicate with you, you’ll get the bare minimum and the response will be in 24 hours instead of within the hour that I’d do for other parents.

I already have plenty of idiots at central not funding special education to deal with, I don’t need crazy and disrespectful parents too.

However someone like OP mentioned, I’d likely write it off as stress, unless that was her demeanor in every instance.

I'm sorry, I'm not going to hold back being forceful and asking for what my kid deserves because I am walking on eggshells around teachers. And that includes when you're required to communicate promptly, as outlined in the IEP/BIP.

This thread is crazy! Who knows what actually happened in this meeting but the OP is describing a situation where the team is doing everything right in OP’s opinion! And people are saying that it’s fine be terrible to the IEP team no matter what because they should be able to handle it? Of course you can be forceful when advocating for your child but wanting the best for your SN kid is not a blank check to be a jerk regardless of circumstances. I think we are a long way from eggshells. I am personally super grateful to my child’s team, who managed to put in a plan that is working GREAT without me being a jerk to anyone. Before this school/team we were extremely unhappy and I did call out a teacher who was straight up lying and I’d do that again, but that’s not the situation OP was describing at all.

[Anonymous]

I would talk it over with her and see if she thinks an apology is in order. Sounds like she jumped the gun in her reactions. Nothing wrong with a quick email to the school from her saying she was under a lot of stress and that she hopes the next meeting will be smoother. People on here posting that teachers should expect anger at meetings -- do you yourself expect to go to a meeting and be screamed at ? I'm a parent who has gone to school meetings and I can be assertive and raise concerns and not be a doormat, and not scream. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry for being annoying and derailing the thread. I'm team wife btw. If you can't handle a fussy parent you aren't cut out for teaching!

And, this is why we have a teacher shortage.

I'm not going to tell you where you can take your snark, but please know it is not welcomed here.

Not pp, but it’s true. Especially in sped and especially in self contained.

Parent being rude to me will not make a difference in how I treat the child but it will make a difference in how I communicate with you, you’ll get the bare minimum and the response will be in 24 hours instead of within the hour that I’d do for other parents.

I already have plenty of idiots at central not funding special education to deal with, I don’t need crazy and disrespectful parents too.

However someone like OP mentioned, I’d likely write it off as stress, unless that was her demeanor in every instance.

I'm sorry, I'm not going to hold back being forceful and asking for what my kid deserves because I am walking on eggshells around teachers. And that includes when you're required to communicate promptly, as outlined in the IEP/BIP.

Actually I am sorry, I never said walk on eggshells, I implied you should RESPECT me, as a human being first and foremost but next as the expert. I love it when parents advocate, I have encouraged some to get an advocate because I could not get what we needed for their child alone.

Ps. BIPs are behavior plans and generally say nothing about communication nor do IEPs lol. Getting back to you a whole day later is 100% legal and I’m not sure what silly teacher would put in the BIP ‘must reply back to parent within the day when parent sends an email’
Gosh what a nightmare parent you must be, I’m am so thankful my parents know that I am part of their child’s team and I’m here to do right by their child.

[Anonymous]

Wow;

Long thread. I'm not on any team but I was at a school and it was horrible for my child and I have some sort of PTSD. WHen we switched schools, I lead with a brief overview of the previous experience, apologize in advance, and do my best to remain calm. Worked for all meetings so far at new school. And I've managed to remain calm. It's like letting that feeling out into the open keeps the pressure from building during the meeting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just roll with it, good cop/bad cop style. Keep it in your back pocket for next time you need it.

this. schools try to weasel their way out of providing services. but yours knows your wife means business

Maybe because we are understaffed, unappreciated, and underfunded.

Thanks for helping with all 3!

And it’s getting worse because special Ed teachers are now quitting at an alarming rate and there are no candidates to replace them. This thread is ridiculous, it’s as if the two choices are scream at the IEP team or “walk on eggshells” around them. There is absolutely a way to advocate for your child without berating the teachers. Act like adults!!

[Anonymous]

Special ed teachers have the same teaching and grading requirements as a gen ed teacher, so all the additional time it takes to create differentiated instruction, analyze work samples, write the present levels of performance and goals for the 12-30 children they case manage, etc is all unpaid overtime, but with legal deadlines. This causes a huge brain drain issue in special ed, as the competent teachers will flee to becoming admin as soon as the 5 required teaching years are up, and the ones who actually care burn out by the 5 year mark as well, especially when they know they can get paid much better in the private sector with their master's degrees. This leaves incompetent teachers who will just put whatever in the IEP so they don't have to work for free on the weekends. I totally believe the parents that have had awful meetings, but let's not make good teachers leave sooner then they already will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry for being annoying and derailing the thread. I'm team wife btw. If you can't handle a fussy parent you aren't cut out for teaching!

And, this is why we have a teacher shortage.

I'm not going to tell you where you can take your snark, but please know it is not welcomed here.

Not pp, but it’s true. Especially in sped and especially in self contained.

Parent being rude to me will not make a difference in how I treat the child but it will make a difference in how I communicate with you, you’ll get the bare minimum and the response will be in 24 hours instead of within the hour that I’d do for other parents.

I already have plenty of idiots at central not funding special education to deal with, I don’t need crazy and disrespectful parents too.

However someone like OP mentioned, I’d likely write it off as stress, unless that was her demeanor in every instance.

I'm sorry, I'm not going to hold back being forceful and asking for what my kid deserves because I am walking on eggshells around teachers. And that includes when you're required to communicate promptly, as outlined in the IEP/BIP.

This thread is crazy! Who knows what actually happened in this meeting but the OP is describing a situation where the team is doing everything right in OP’s opinion! And people are saying that it’s fine be terrible to the IEP team no matter what because they should be able to handle it? Of course you can be forceful when advocating for your child but wanting the best for your SN kid is not a blank check to be a jerk regardless of circumstances. I think we are a long way from eggshells. I am personally super grateful to my child’s team, who managed to put in a plan that is working GREAT without me being a jerk to anyone. Before this school/team we were extremely unhappy and I did call out a teacher who was straight up lying and I’d do that again, but that’s not the situation OP was describing at all.

For what it's worth, I don't think people are saying that parents are saying it is fine to be terrible to the team. I think they are questioning OP's characterization of the event and the extent to which his wife was out of line, and saying that he should have far more compassion for his wife than he does for people at the meeting. That is my biggest issue with OP. He apparently hasn't gone to any of the other meetings, which were likely frustrating for his wife, and now he is being really harsh on her. As far as the team goes, I think the "good cop bad cop" advice is good. The emails about "I'm sorry for how the direction went" essentially undermine his wife and that's super mean to do unless his wife gives the go-ahead (although if his wife really does think an apology is in order she should be the one to do it).

[Anonymous]

Our IEP meetings were often 6 hour brawls.
Luckily my DH was on my side, not the school's.

We were treated terribly, and it was my job to advocate for my kid in spite of it.. Eventually I hired an advocate and let her shred them. It was blissful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It may be best to meet with the school separately from her from now on. For me, I just started leaving my husband out of the meetings and he hasn’t asked about them. I think they were just too stressful for him. He would take over and speak from a point where it was clear he had no idea what our DD needed and it was embarassing.

I have no idea why you or OP would be embarrassed. These are emotional and confusing concepts. The school is not exactly full of are not highly skilled professionals. They are, to be quite frank, often total hacks, and they take full advantage of people who don't have the ability or resources to understand the system. Save your embarrassment, Its misplaced here. Yes, it is generally better to be pleasant. It would also generally be better to actually serve children.

The school is not exactly full of are not highly skilled professionals. What does that even mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It may be best to meet with the school separately from her from now on. For me, I just started leaving my husband out of the meetings and he hasn’t asked about them. I think they were just too stressful for him. He would take over and speak from a point where it was clear he had no idea what our DD needed and it was embarassing.

I have no idea why you or OP would be embarrassed. These are emotional and confusing concepts. The school is not exactly full of are not highly skilled professionals. They are, to be quite frank, often total hacks, and they take full advantage of people who don't have the ability or resources to understand the system. Save your embarrassment, Its misplaced here. Yes, it is generally better to be pleasant. It would also generally be better to actually serve children.

The school is not exactly full of are not highly skilled professionals. What does that even mean?

I’m sure you could eliminate the extra “are”, and understand the sentence, no? I will restate. The school “professionals” often lack basic training for the roles they have, are not paid well and often have poor working conditions, and are not an authority I would accept on most things.