My partner humiliated me (us) in IEP meeting...how to repair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to be honest and say your loyalty needs to be with your wife and not with the SD. Your embarrassment is misplaced. The SD does not give a damn about whether you are lovely people or hostile people. They only want to save money by denying services to the extent they can.

I think it's worth trying to be polite and professional, of course, but it also, IMO, doesn't matter that much. They are used to IEP meetings that escalate to litigation. Your wife being hostile just really doesn't matter one way or the other. If anything it puts them on notice that she will fight them if they don't give services.

This is not a situation where "you win more flies with honey," I'm sorry to say. I think you should focus your sympathy on your wife who is clearly very stressed out by prior IEP meetings and what she's experienced. The school can handle it, trust me.

+10000 Your wife is upset and doesn't feel her/your child's needs are getting met. They aren't in it for your child's best interests and do what's easiest for them or best for the school system. Your wife is a great mom by advocating for her child and you need to step up and help her advocate or your child will lose out. You cannot fix a bad relationship with people who aren't interested in doing their job or helping a child. Many of us have been where your wife is and the schools failed our kids.

[Anonymous]

I also think you should unpack why you are so very very embarrassed by your wife using SPED legal terms incorrectly. Is it really that embarrassing? She's a tenacious parent who is trying to get the services she believes your child is entitled to, and she is not a SPED professional, and maybe her understanding is incomplete and her emotion is running high, but it's not uncommon. An experienced professional can often defuse the emotion and explain things without being condescending. Are you generally averse to conflict?

[Anonymous]

OP, my school district (I'm not in DC) recently did a survey of SPED and found that services were disproportionally granted to families the school district thought were most likely to sue. Not to the nicest families, not to the cooperative families or the least-crazy families...to the families the school district was scared would litigate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my school district (I'm not in DC) recently did a survey of SPED and found that services were disproportionally granted to families the school district thought were most likely to sue. Not to the nicest families, not to the cooperative families or the least-crazy families...to the families the school district was scared would litigate.

Yep. They don’t want to give you anything, OP. And given that we only are hearing what you’re saying, your wife may well have been entirely correct. It’s important for example to emphasize that your child can’t access the curriculum. They will try to correct that. This does not make them “right.”

[Anonymous]

Email the specialist and apologize, and say you don’t want to get off on the wrong foot. Tell your wife you’re doing to do this so she doesn’t get pissed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Email the specialist and apologize, and say you don’t want to get off on the wrong foot. Tell your wife you’re doing to do this so she doesn’t get pissed.

Why would you do this? First, she is a parent and entitled to her view and to act as she sees fit. He’s not her parent or her apologist. Second, many of these meetings end far worse. This is dumb, at best, and pandering for nothing at worst.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. I would be furious, OP.

It's completely unprofessional to use terms incorrectly, and in these kinds of situations, parents who behave like professionals are more likely to get what they want. I'm not a psychologist or psychiatrist, but as a research scientist in biology, it's second nature for me to understand and use all the necessary medical terms comfortably. For laymen parents, it doesn't take much effort either. I assume your wife was very nervous. Next time she should either rehearse with you beforehand or let you attend the meetings by yourself. Don't let her sabotage the entire enterprise - the stakes are too high.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Ugh. I would be furious, OP.

It's completely unprofessional to use terms incorrectly, and in these kinds of situations, parents who behave like professionals are more likely to get what they want. I'm not a psychologist or psychiatrist, but as a research scientist in biology, it's second nature for me to understand and use all the necessary medical terms comfortably. For laymen parents, it doesn't take much effort either. I assume your wife was very nervous. Next time she should either rehearse with you beforehand or let you attend the meetings by yourself. Don't let her sabotage the entire enterprise - the stakes are too high.

Well, I’m a lawyer, like most of DC, and people routinely use legal terms and concepts incorrectly in all conversations of daily living. I don’t feel superior or get livid, and I wouldn’t be either in this scenario. I’m entirely comfortable with all the sped terms and concepts but I’ve spent hundreds of hours researching it. Wouldn’t judge anyone who hasn’t and is confused. Would just encourage them to hire a professional. Here, OP may have been bullish because her husband is being a complete doormat who wants to make nice with the school. Who knows who is right, but nobody needs your ‘research scientist’ condescension.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also think you should unpack why you are so very very embarrassed by your wife using SPED legal terms incorrectly. Is it really that embarrassing? She's a tenacious parent who is trying to get the services she believes your child is entitled to, and she is not a SPED professional, and maybe her understanding is incomplete and her emotion is running high, but it's not uncommon. An experienced professional can often defuse the emotion and explain things without being condescending. Are you generally averse to conflict?

This. OP, you need to focus on your child's needs and how to get them met, rather than focusing on yourself and your feelings of humiliation. Perhaps you have some issues around being a parent of a child with special needs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Ugh. I would be furious, OP.

It's completely unprofessional to use terms incorrectly, and in these kinds of situations, parents who behave like professionals are more likely to get what they want. I'm not a psychologist or psychiatrist, but as a research scientist in biology, it's second nature for me to understand and use all the necessary medical terms comfortably. For laymen parents, it doesn't take much effort either. I assume your wife was very nervous. Next time she should either rehearse with you beforehand or let you attend the meetings by yourself. Don't let her sabotage the entire enterprise - the stakes are too high.

wtf? I am an attorney who studies the IDEA very carefully, and I get mixed up with all the acronyms. none of this is easy. and I have no clue why you think this is about medical terms. thing #1 to know about IDEA is that they are academic/legal categories, not medical categories.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Ugh. I would be furious, OP.

It's completely unprofessional to use terms incorrectly, and in these kinds of situations, parents who behave like professionals are more likely to get what they want. I'm not a psychologist or psychiatrist, but as a research scientist in biology, it's second nature for me to understand and use all the necessary medical terms comfortably. For laymen parents, it doesn't take much effort either. I assume your wife was very nervous. Next time she should either rehearse with you beforehand or let you attend the meetings by yourself. Don't let her sabotage the entire enterprise - the stakes are too high.

Well, I’m a lawyer, like most of DC, and people routinely use legal terms and concepts incorrectly in all conversations of daily living. I don’t feel superior or get livid, and I wouldn’t be either in this scenario. I’m entirely comfortable with all the sped terms and concepts but I’ve spent hundreds of hours researching it. Wouldn’t judge anyone who hasn’t and is confused. Would just encourage them to hire a professional. Here, OP may have been bullish because her husband is being a complete doormat who wants to make nice with the school. Who knows who is right, but nobody needs your ‘research scientist’ condescension.

PP you replied to. Yes, parents SHOULD spend hours doing research if they want to increase the likelihood of getting the best services and accommodation for their child.
Perhaps you feel insecure if you read my post as condescending. My child with special needs is now a junior. I have navigated the system since he was in Kindergarten. I know what it takes to win over the IEP team.
My point is that at the IEP meeting, parents are presumed to be relatively ignorant. It's important not to confirm that suspicion. First impressions are really important, and OP's wife blew it. I feel for OP, who now has to do damage control.

[Anonymous]

I would try to take some time to sit down with your wife and give you each 10-15 minutes to describe what happened in the meeting with no commentary from the other parent. That might help you see how you are reading the situation differently. It might help to have an advocate with you for meetings as a knowledgeable person who can provide an outside analysis of the team dynamic. I often have very different interpretations of meetings than my coparent. I feel like as long as people are smiling and speaking in a polite tone, she just does not pick up on the deeply messed up arguments they are trying to make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had our first IEP meeting at a new school. We had a really terrible experience at our last school and have been accustomed to fighting for every little inch. My wife and I agreed to go in with a fresh slate and to start the year off on the right foot.

Fast forward to 10 minutes into the meeting, and my wife goes completely rogue. She was hostile, condescending and completely unreasonable. She really went after one particular specialist, and it was clear that person felt quite uncomfortable. She also used a bunch of jargon in an attempt to intimidate but unfortunately, she was using many of these terms incorrectly and the professionals had to politely correct her. I wanted to jump out of the window.

I am obviously furious with my partner, but I really want to find a way to repair our relationship with the school. My child has a lot of multi-faceted needs and is only in 1st grade. We have another 5 years with this team and we need for the SPED support to be strong. I don't want them to think we are whack jobs!

My husband did the exact same thing. Went after them as if they were our enemy. Meanwhile the team had been super responsive and were trying to do everything to get out IEP put through. I had a great relationship with the staff and they were truly our advocates. I was horrified and he never attended another meeting. I apologized to the team because of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't do IEP meeting with my DH because he on the spectrum

I'm on the spectrum and I do all of the children's special education stuff. I don't appreciate your condescending remark about people on the spectrum. If your husband is lower functioning and unable to have reasonable conversations, I am left wondering why you married him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Ugh. I would be furious, OP.

It's completely unprofessional to use terms incorrectly, and in these kinds of situations, parents who behave like professionals are more likely to get what they want. I'm not a psychologist or psychiatrist, but as a research scientist in biology, it's second nature for me to understand and use all the necessary medical terms comfortably. For laymen parents, it doesn't take much effort either. I assume your wife was very nervous. Next time she should either rehearse with you beforehand or let you attend the meetings by yourself. Don't let her sabotage the entire enterprise - the stakes are too high.

Well, I’m a lawyer, like most of DC, and people routinely use legal terms and concepts incorrectly in all conversations of daily living. I don’t feel superior or get livid, and I wouldn’t be either in this scenario. I’m entirely comfortable with all the sped terms and concepts but I’ve spent hundreds of hours researching it. Wouldn’t judge anyone who hasn’t and is confused. Would just encourage them to hire a professional. Here, OP may have been bullish because her husband is being a complete doormat who wants to make nice with the school. Who knows who is right, but nobody needs your ‘research scientist’ condescension.

PP you replied to. Yes, parents SHOULD spend hours doing research if they want to increase the likelihood of getting the best services and accommodation for their child.
Perhaps you feel insecure if you read my post as condescending. My child with special needs is now a junior. I have navigated the system since he was in Kindergarten. I know what it takes to win over the IEP team.
My point is that at the IEP meeting, parents are presumed to be relatively ignorant. It's important not to confirm that suspicion. First impressions are really important, and OP's wife blew it. I feel for OP, who now has to do damage control.

We don't even know what terms OP's wife was using supposedly incorrectly. Fun story, in my first IEP eligibility meeting, Central Office staff were using the WRONG REGULATION. They were still applying the regulation that had been amended and didn't realize the new one had taken effect. Nobody is judging anyone for using the word "developmental delay" incorrectly or whatever you think she did.