My partner humiliated me (us) in IEP meeting...how to repair?

[Anonymous]

Why do you care what the school thinks? I have been to many IEP meetings and the schools and staff really don’t care. I am sure 90% of the parents in IEP meetings get pissed or inappropriate about something. Just let it go and stop being mad at your wife. Clearly the past school was awful to her and she should be able to take it out on this school.

[Anonymous]

I think this post might have gone very differently if a woman had posted that her husband lost it and went off on the SPED team. Who in the heck knows of this woman’s behavior was appropriate or not? This assumption she was right when none of us were in the room — and the OP who was actually in the room and disagrees — is a big assumption.

What I would say to the OP is, you guys should discuss ahead of the next meeting how to be more aligned. My husband is an “everything’s fine” kind of guy. We talk before all meetings and I have to remind him to take off the rose colored glasses and to have my back, because his attitude makes people think our kid is fine. Note, she is cognitively a baby as a tween — everything is NOT fine.

Your issues are different, but discussing your approach ahead of time may help you.

[Anonymous]

Stop focusing on your humiliation and think about why you wrote the title of this thread that way. It should not matter if it's humiliating for you or for her. What matters is what's best for your child.

You have a right to be upset that this might make things more difficult for your child but that's not really how you wrote this post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you care what the school thinks? I have been to many IEP meetings and the schools and staff really don’t care. I am sure 90% of the parents in IEP meetings get pissed or inappropriate about something. Just let it go and stop being mad at your wife. Clearly the past school was awful to her and she should be able to take it out on this school.

What? Is his wife 8 years old?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just roll with it, good cop/bad cop style. Keep it in your back pocket for next time you need it.

Sure, this works with schools, but not at home. He needs to figure out if his wife is right or not, and respect that. That's why I suggest an advocate who can bring clarity.

I came here to suggest an advocate, too. Professional third party opinion. Before you do, take stock of where you stand coming out of the meeting. What were your goals going in, and what's your situation now?

[Anonymous]

The most embarrassing post I have read on this board (and I've been reading it for about 5 years now) was from a mom who asked if she should bring snacks to the iep meeting.

This isn't a social club. Your child will not receive better care if you are nice.

Get over it.

[Anonymous]

The staff may wonder if these angry outbursts towards them are replicated towards your child at home. It costs nothing to treat adults taking care of your child with respect and dignity.

[Anonymous]

Team Wife here. Not because I feel that people should get to be abusive in IEP meetings, but because this post says so much about your relationship that is really very sad.

Your wife used terms incorrectly and you are shaming her for that? You are actually upset because she did not understand every term under the IDEA. I just don't know what to say, OP...I'd be upset that the team corrected her. That's actually a dick move on their part.

The fact that your wife got angry, upset, or emotional during an IEP meeting is a non-event. It's simply unimportant. It happens so many times in IEP land that you do realize there are memes out there to the effect of "I get to blow up in IEP meeting today, dear, or is it you?"

When this happens, you hug your wife and console her. You don't shame her or feel embarrassed. YOUR BEHAVIOR is what is a problem here.

[Anonymous]

Give your wife a hug. Take her out for brunch while the kids are at school tomorrow if you can. There’s no stress like IEP meeting stress. It’s actually good if the team is a little scared of her. They’ll stay on top of things.

[Anonymous]

Your assumptions are so naive OP. That you don’t have to fight like you did at the old school as long as you and your wife are nice. That your child will get to spend five years at this elementary school— just as long as you are nice.

When your child has complex, multiple needs, every school placement is a fight. I’m sorry. Please be on your wife’s side. My child, also multiple complex needs, started elementary school and we were told she would be there for five years. No.

I can’t tell you how many meetings I’ve cried or gotten upset in. There is absolutely no point holding this over her head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team Wife here. Not because I feel that people should get to be abusive in IEP meetings, but because this post says so much about your relationship that is really very sad.

Your wife used terms incorrectly and you are shaming her for that? You are actually upset because she did not understand every term under the IDEA. I just don't know what to say, OP...I'd be upset that the team corrected her. That's actually a dick move on their part.

The fact that your wife got angry, upset, or emotional during an IEP meeting is a non-event. It's simply unimportant. It happens so many times in IEP land that you do realize there are memes out there to the effect of "I get to blow up in IEP meeting today, dear, or is it you?"

When this happens, you hug your wife and console her. You don't shame her or feel embarrassed. YOUR BEHAVIOR is what is a problem here.

Don’t shame him! Their kid is in 1st grade! They’re both still learning how this goes. It’s extremely emotional. Parents blow up and cry in IEP meetings all the time, OP. I’ve seen staff members cry tears of frustration after parents walk out of the room too. It’s all so so hard. For all involved. But especially the parents. You can’t blame each other. That’s why most special needs marriages end in divorce. Unite. You’re a team. Who cares about being embarrassed?! The school works for you. They’ve seen it all before. Trust me.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps worthwhile to explore with a therapist why you feel such intense humiliation in these circumstances. I don't believe that statistic that a high number of special needs marriages end in divorce, there's actually little evidentiary support for that. However, your reaction seems extreme, as does your contempt for your wife's behavior, which doesn't seem unusual in an IEP meeting, and you state that you had a hard fight the year before so one would think you would be understanding of the place she is coming from. Your reaction seems to be a funnel for a lot of feelings, perhaps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The staff may wonder if these angry outbursts towards them are replicated towards your child at home. It costs nothing to treat adults taking care of your child with respect and dignity.

boy that’s some bad stuff. if you get mad in the IEP meeting because the school isn’t helping your child, you must be an abusive parent. so best just accept what the school does with a smile!

PS - I have yelled in IEP meetings and almost never yell at my kid, work hard on appropriate discipline with therapists etc

DH who is a sweet as pie to teachers is verbally/physically abusive at home and yells to get his way

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The staff may wonder if these angry outbursts towards them are replicated towards your child at home. It costs nothing to treat adults taking care of your child with respect and dignity.

boy that’s some bad stuff. if you get mad in the IEP meeting because the school isn’t helping your child, you must be an abusive parent. so best just accept what the school does with a smile!

PS - I have yelled in IEP meetings and almost never yell at my kid, work hard on appropriate discipline with therapists etc

DH who is a sweet as pie to teachers is verbally/physically abusive at home and yells to get his way

+ 1000

Have had plenty of conflict with the school district. I question the notion that getting angry and having conflict means you are not treating others with respect and dignity. This is really gaslighting special needs parents. We are not abusive because we hold the school district's feet to the fire. Walk a mile in our shoes.

[Anonymous]

I still have residual PTSD from years of IEP meetings--and the last was like 13 years ago.

I never lost my temper at meetings--mostly because when I might have I was so stunned I could not say anything (I'm that kind of reactor).

I agree with being supportive and kind to your wife. And before the next meeting, besides the usual planning, figure out some ways you and she can signal to each other that an issue is rearing its head and try to present a team front.