My partner humiliated me (us) in IEP meeting...how to repair?

[Anonymous]

I agree with everyone recommending an advocate, it's amazing how fast attitudes shift when you bring one to a meeting!
There was a recent thread with Maryland and Virginia recs that had links. I would interview several now so you'll be able to take immediate action if you end up needing help at your school.

[Anonymous]

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1004150.page

Ignore the first page and a half, the second part of page 2 and all of page 3 focus on Maryland.

[Anonymous]

OP here- I get that we need to advocate for our kids and not by shy to push for what we want. But this meeting was simply an IEP review to meet the new team. And at this meeting, they actually came to the table proposing an amendment to give our child more hours of support. They gave so many great anecdotes about our child that demonstrated that they really know them, and more so, that they really like our child! They had a good grasp on the goals, provided data ahead of time, asked us about what we are most concerned about...truly, they couldn't have been more prepared or professional.

I don't see any reason to treat other adults, who are spending 30+ hours per week with our child so disrespectfully. I guess you kind of had to be there but it was such a tense meeting. One specialist looked like she was going to cry.

It is interesting to read the counter points. Noted and reflecting on that for sure. But if this is par for the course in these meetings, I am surprised that educators last very long. That would be so draining to deal with week after week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I get that we need to advocate for our kids and not by shy to push for what we want. But this meeting was simply an IEP review to meet the new team. And at this meeting, they actually came to the table proposing an amendment to give our child more hours of support. They gave so many great anecdotes about our child that demonstrated that they really know them, and more so, that they really like our child! They had a good grasp on the goals, provided data ahead of time, asked us about what we are most concerned about...truly, they couldn't have been more prepared or professional.

I don't see any reason to treat other adults, who are spending 30+ hours per week with our child so disrespectfully. I guess you kind of had to be there but it was such a tense meeting. One specialist looked like she was going to cry.

It is interesting to read the counter points. Noted and reflecting on that for sure. But if this is par for the course in these meetings, I am surprised that educators last very long. That would be so draining to deal with week after week.

Oh yeah they love to snow you by telling you how much they love your kid, how well they are doing, etc etc. Your wife may have reasonably heard this as minimizing your child’s needs. Interesting that you are more concerned about the facial expression of one teacher and less about the distress of your wife. It’s all about your own humiliation and reputation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I get that we need to advocate for our kids and not by shy to push for what we want. But this meeting was simply an IEP review to meet the new team. And at this meeting, they actually came to the table proposing an amendment to give our child more hours of support. They gave so many great anecdotes about our child that demonstrated that they really know them, and more so, that they really like our child! They had a good grasp on the goals, provided data ahead of time, asked us about what we are most concerned about...truly, they couldn't have been more prepared or professional.

I don't see any reason to treat other adults, who are spending 30+ hours per week with our child so disrespectfully. I guess you kind of had to be there but it was such a tense meeting. One specialist looked like she was going to cry.

It is interesting to read the counter points. Noted and reflecting on that for sure. But if this is par for the course in these meetings, I am surprised that educators last very long. That would be so draining to deal with week after week.

Oh yeah they love to snow you by telling you how much they love your kid, how well they are doing, etc etc. Your wife may have reasonably heard this as minimizing your child’s needs. Interesting that you are more concerned about the facial expression of one teacher and less about the distress of your wife. It’s all about your own humiliation and reputation.

Oh yeah. They try to convince you that they just adore your child. Don’t fall for it. They often tell people their kids are too advanced academically for IEPs. It’s a giant ruse. Bottom line: they don’t have the resources to help you and to get them, you have to fight for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I get that we need to advocate for our kids and not by shy to push for what we want. But this meeting was simply an IEP review to meet the new team. And at this meeting, they actually came to the table proposing an amendment to give our child more hours of support. They gave so many great anecdotes about our child that demonstrated that they really know them, and more so, that they really like our child! They had a good grasp on the goals, provided data ahead of time, asked us about what we are most concerned about...truly, they couldn't have been more prepared or professional.

I don't see any reason to treat other adults, who are spending 30+ hours per week with our child so disrespectfully. I guess you kind of had to be there but it was such a tense meeting. One specialist looked like she was going to cry.

It is interesting to read the counter points. Noted and reflecting on that for sure. But if this is par for the course in these meetings, I am surprised that educators last very long. That would be so draining to deal with week after week.

I think this is why it would be good for you to bring an advocate-not neccessarily for them to push for your child, but so that they can give you and your wife expert feedback on how the meeting went. If the advocate agrees with you, that the team is stepping up for your child and that your wife is introducing unneccessary conflict, she may be more willing to hear that from someone who isn't you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I get that we need to advocate for our kids and not by shy to push for what we want. But this meeting was simply an IEP review to meet the new team. And at this meeting, they actually came to the table proposing an amendment to give our child more hours of support. They gave so many great anecdotes about our child that demonstrated that they really know them, and more so, that they really like our child! They had a good grasp on the goals, provided data ahead of time, asked us about what we are most concerned about...truly, they couldn't have been more prepared or professional.

I don't see any reason to treat other adults, who are spending 30+ hours per week with our child so disrespectfully. I guess you kind of had to be there but it was such a tense meeting. One specialist looked like she was going to cry.

It is interesting to read the counter points. Noted and reflecting on that for sure. But if this is par for the course in these meetings, I am surprised that educators last very long. That would be so draining to deal with week after week.

I think this is why it would be good for you to bring an advocate-not neccessarily for them to push for your child, but so that they can give you and your wife expert feedback on how the meeting went. If the advocate agrees with you, that the team is stepping up for your child and that your wife is introducing unneccessary conflict, she may be more willing to hear that from someone who isn't you.

DP. Or, this can end up like my situation, where my DH decides to fixate instead on the advocate being "mean" and wants to fire her. (Despite the fact that we would have no IEP, and the IEP would not have been implemented, without her, and that she got a ton of additional services for us.)

[Anonymous]

OP, you will hear how much they love your child constantly. How bright your child is. In the next breath they will tell you that due to funds limitations, your child cannot have x, y, and z (that he absolutely needs in order to access the curriculum).

I feel bad for you because you are just at the beginning of this process.

[Anonymous]

I think that even if your wife was out of line, she deserves more sympathy than she is getting from you. It is troublesome the way you care so much more about the feelings of perfect strangers than you do your wife’s. You’re kind of making her out to be a villain, when she was just trying to do was advocate for your child’s best interests.

It’s okay if these other people don’t like you or your wife. Don’t worry about what happened with them. Just think about how it’s going to be best for your child and your marriage if you all feel like you are on the same team.

[Anonymous]

Email each staff person individually to apologize for the direction the meeting took, and to thank them for their time, patience and future help. Also, add a line that says they can always feel free to contact you at this number/email with any questions going forward. You are happy to help in any way that helps your child succeed in school.

You don't need to apologize for your wife -- that is her job to do for herself.

What you are doing by emailing them is to (1) make it clear that you are your own person (e.g., you are not your wife in tone, perspective, thought process, reactionary nature, etc.); (2) let them know that you are the approachable, lower-octane person in the marriage; and (3) let it be known that you are the stable one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Email each staff person individually to apologize for the direction the meeting took, and to thank them for their time, patience and future help. Also, add a line that says they can always feel free to contact you at this number/email with any questions going forward. You are happy to help in any way that helps your child succeed in school.

You don't need to apologize for your wife -- that is her job to do for herself.

What you are doing by emailing them is to (1) make it clear that you are your own person (e.g., you are not your wife in tone, perspective, thought process, reactionary nature, etc.); (2) let them know that you are the approachable, lower-octane person in the marriage; and (3) let it be known that you are the stable one.

Don’t do this. Why signify that you think whatever they give you is just great? This is bad, silly advice. Not everyone has to like you and think you’re awesome. And here, it’s not even you. Sending this signals that you think you don’t support your wife and would be unhelpful for your cause.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Email each staff person individually to apologize for the direction the meeting took, and to thank them for their time, patience and future help. Also, add a line that says they can always feel free to contact you at this number/email with any questions going forward. You are happy to help in any way that helps your child succeed in school.

You don't need to apologize for your wife -- that is her job to do for herself.

What you are doing by emailing them is to (1) make it clear that you are your own person (e.g., you are not your wife in tone, perspective, thought process, reactionary nature, etc.); (2) let them know that you are the approachable, lower-octane person in the marriage; and (3) let it be known that you are the stable one.

His wife isn't unstable because she got upset during an IEP meeting. And it's very important that they be a team. Terrible advice; go back to GP.

[Anonymous]

As a parent whose been in several IEP meetings, where schools are either denying services and minimizing the child's disability and deficits, the process can be very emotionally charged. My only advice is let's be kind and compassion to one another in situations where our actions or behaviors are not the most diplomatic. I've never lost it during an IEP meeting. However, I have felt the desperation of struggling for months with DC and an IEP that comes across as their only goal is to act as a gatekeeper and provide as little as they can get away with. The system is not set up to help our children. My heart goes out to those children whose parents lack the education or sophistication to advocate for their children and who don't have the financial means to hire advocates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Email each staff person individually to apologize for the direction the meeting took, and to thank them for their time, patience and future help. Also, add a line that says they can always feel free to contact you at this number/email with any questions going forward. You are happy to help in any way that helps your child succeed in school.

You don't need to apologize for your wife -- that is her job to do for herself.

What you are doing by emailing them is to (1) make it clear that you are your own person (e.g., you are not your wife in tone, perspective, thought process, reactionary nature, etc.); (2) let them know that you are the approachable, lower-octane person in the marriage; and (3) let it be known that you are the stable one.

His wife isn't unstable because she got upset during an IEP meeting. And it's very important that they be a team. Terrible advice; go back to GP.

Exactly. I think it's ok to have a good-cop bad-cop situation going. At times I have been so upset at the school that I didn't want to deal with the teachers. My DH was less upset and could deal with them more appropriately, so that was fine. However - an undermining email like that would be a real d*ck move and not helpful for your child. And can we just talk for a minute about the massively sexist dynamic where the man is "sane" and the woman is "crazy"? Meanwhile the "sane" man is relying on/benefitting from all the work the "crazy" woman is doing through her advocacy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Email each staff person individually to apologize for the direction the meeting took, and to thank them for their time, patience and future help. Also, add a line that says they can always feel free to contact you at this number/email with any questions going forward. You are happy to help in any way that helps your child succeed in school.

You don't need to apologize for your wife -- that is her job to do for herself.

What you are doing by emailing them is to (1) make it clear that you are your own person (e.g., you are not your wife in tone, perspective, thought process, reactionary nature, etc.); (2) let them know that you are the approachable, lower-octane person in the marriage; and (3) let it be known that you are the stable one.

His wife isn't unstable because she got upset during an IEP meeting. And it's very important that they be a team. Terrible advice; go back to GP.

Not that it matters, but I am a woman.

Agree with you about being a team.

This has thread has been eye opening to the world of special ed parents...we are definitely new here...