My partner humiliated me (us) in IEP meeting...how to repair?

[Anonymous]

We had our first IEP meeting at a new school. We had a really terrible experience at our last school and have been accustomed to fighting for every little inch. My wife and I agreed to go in with a fresh slate and to start the year off on the right foot.

Fast forward to 10 minutes into the meeting, and my wife goes completely rogue. She was hostile, condescending and completely unreasonable. She really went after one particular specialist, and it was clear that person felt quite uncomfortable. She also used a bunch of jargon in an attempt to intimidate but unfortunately, she was using many of these terms incorrectly and the professionals had to politely correct her. I wanted to jump out of the window.

I am obviously furious with my partner, but I really want to find a way to repair our relationship with the school. My child has a lot of multi-faceted needs and is only in 1st grade. We have another 5 years with this team and we need for the SPED support to be strong. I don't want them to think we are whack jobs!

[Anonymous]

I don't do IEP meeting with my DH because he on the spectrum

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't do IEP meeting with my DH because he on the spectrum

Sorry hit submit too fast. Apologize next time and go without her. They're unfortunately used to things like this. Give nice holiday gifts.

[Anonymous]

Your wife probably has some level of PTSD. Sounds like a panic/trauma response.

She needs a therapist who can help her process what happened before.

You can write a note apologizing for “any stress we brought to the table” and explain that the experience at your previous school was hard on you both (don’t throw your wife under the bus - they will know who you are talking about anyway) and thank them for all their hard work, saying how you are looking forward to building a partnership with them.

Try not to be furious with your wife. I have personally cried during a 504 meeting that was going well, because I had been so worried it would go badly like it did at the previous school (middle vs elementary).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had our first IEP meeting at a new school. We had a really terrible experience at our last school and have been accustomed to fighting for every little inch. My wife and I agreed to go in with a fresh slate and to start the year off on the right foot.

Fast forward to 10 minutes into the meeting, and my wife goes completely rogue. She was hostile, condescending and completely unreasonable. She really went after one particular specialist, and it was clear that person felt quite uncomfortable. She also used a bunch of jargon in an attempt to intimidate but unfortunately, she was using many of these terms incorrectly and the professionals had to politely correct her. I wanted to jump out of the window.

I am obviously furious with my partner, but I really want to find a way to repair our relationship with the school. My child has a lot of multi-faceted needs and is only in 1st grade. We have another 5 years with this team and we need for the SPED support to be strong. I don't want them to think we are whack jobs!

Well, to be fair to your wife, its pretty unlikely in some school districts you're getting anything you need unless you fight for it or your child's needs are clear and agreed upon. I've had numerous school "psychs" incorrectly do testing and use jargon incorrectly, also, so I would not be too concerned. Bottom line, it is always better to be friendly, but its also not true, at all, that if you are agreeable you will get what you need for the next five years. Maybe she disagreed strongly with that professional. I know I often do. Don't be afraid to be a part of the "team." I agree do your best to be civil, but often, this IS an adversarial relationship. It just doesn't need to be an acrimonious one. Try to get her to understand that. But, as a litigator, this is often hard for people.

[Anonymous]

It may be best to meet with the school separately from her from now on. For me, I just started leaving my husband out of the meetings and he hasn’t asked about them. I think they were just too stressful for him. He would take over and speak from a point where it was clear he had no idea what our DD needed and it was embarassing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It may be best to meet with the school separately from her from now on. For me, I just started leaving my husband out of the meetings and he hasn’t asked about them. I think they were just too stressful for him. He would take over and speak from a point where it was clear he had no idea what our DD needed and it was embarassing.

I have no idea why you or OP would be embarrassed. These are emotional and confusing concepts. The school is not exactly full of are not highly skilled professionals. They are, to be quite frank, often total hacks, and they take full advantage of people who don't have the ability or resources to understand the system. Save your embarrassment, Its misplaced here. Yes, it is generally better to be pleasant. It would also generally be better to actually serve children.

[Anonymous]

Do you both usually go to these meetings? I have to say that I banned my DH from them after an outburst like that. I didn't fault him though. Years of frustration with these meetings can build up.

Don't be furious with her. Just take control of it and do not apologize! Just say: as you can see we are frustrated what has happened at the previous school. Looking for a fresh start here.

[Anonymous]

Just roll with it, good cop/bad cop style. Keep it in your back pocket for next time you need it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had our first IEP meeting at a new school. We had a really terrible experience at our last school and have been accustomed to fighting for every little inch. My wife and I agreed to go in with a fresh slate and to start the year off on the right foot.

Fast forward to 10 minutes into the meeting, and my wife goes completely rogue. She was hostile, condescending and completely unreasonable. She really went after one particular specialist, and it was clear that person felt quite uncomfortable. She also used a bunch of jargon in an attempt to intimidate but unfortunately, she was using many of these terms incorrectly and the professionals had to politely correct her. I wanted to jump out of the window.

I am obviously furious with my partner, but I really want to find a way to repair our relationship with the school. My child has a lot of multi-faceted needs and is only in 1st grade. We have another 5 years with this team and we need for the SPED support to be strong. I don't want them to think we are whack jobs!

Well, to be fair to your wife, its pretty unlikely in some school districts you're getting anything you need unless you fight for it or your child's needs are clear and agreed upon. I've had numerous school "psychs" incorrectly do testing and use jargon incorrectly, also, so I would not be too concerned. Bottom line, it is always better to be friendly, but its also not true, at all, that if you are agreeable you will get what you need for the next five years. Maybe she disagreed strongly with that professional. I know I often do. Don't be afraid to be a part of the "team." I agree do your best to be civil, but often, this IS an adversarial relationship. It just doesn't need to be an acrimonious one. Try to get her to understand that. But, as a litigator, this is often hard for people.

Exactly. While it sounds like OP's wife probably didn't handle things perfectly, OP is making a huge leap to assume that the school was going to do the right thing without pressure. This is the kind of situation that really calls for getting an advocate that you can both agree on. Let the advocate speak for you.

As the woman who has been in this situation, I empathize with the wife. I just do. My DS's father undermines me at IEP meetings because he thinks I'm being too argumentantive or "mean" to the teachers. What he doesn't understand is that it is a legal process with a lot of steps and words you need to say to open doors. And I've found that the IEP team is generally the ones getting the words wrong or mistaking the legal categories. (Like, the classic of trying to convince you that your kid shows no academic impact because they score well on standardized tests; or that a 504 "gives you everything an IEP does!") Teachers and admins are VERY well versed in blowing smoke. That's not to fault them, necessarily, but you have to stand up for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just roll with it, good cop/bad cop style. Keep it in your back pocket for next time you need it.

Sure, this works with schools, but not at home. He needs to figure out if his wife is right or not, and respect that. That's why I suggest an advocate who can bring clarity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It may be best to meet with the school separately from her from now on. For me, I just started leaving my husband out of the meetings and he hasn’t asked about them. I think they were just too stressful for him. He would take over and speak from a point where it was clear he had no idea what our DD needed and it was embarassing.

I have no idea why you or OP would be embarrassed. These are emotional and confusing concepts. The school is not exactly full of are not highly skilled professionals. They are, to be quite frank, often total hacks, and they take full advantage of people who don't have the ability or resources to understand the system. Save your embarrassment, Its misplaced here. Yes, it is generally better to be pleasant. It would also generally be better to actually serve children.

harsh but true. it actually helps to think of the school staff as well meaning but hacks. some are very good at what they do, but there can be such huge gaps. and as far as administering the steps of the IEP process.. ugh. but really, this is the fault of underinvestment by school districts. every school should have more special ed staff, including at least one person whose only job is administrative. OTOH sometimes I rather darkly think that this hackitude works out in my favor, because they give us what we want when they know they are overmatched. which is also disgusting in its own way. the whole system is just messed.

[Anonymous]

She doesn’t need therapy, she needs to apologize. Is she remorseful?

[Anonymous]

I'm going to be honest and say your loyalty needs to be with your wife and not with the SD. Your embarrassment is misplaced. The SD does not give a damn about whether you are lovely people or hostile people. They only want to save money by denying services to the extent they can.

I think it's worth trying to be polite and professional, of course, but it also, IMO, doesn't matter that much. They are used to IEP meetings that escalate to litigation. Your wife being hostile just really doesn't matter one way or the other. If anything it puts them on notice that she will fight them if they don't give services.

This is not a situation where "you win more flies with honey," I'm sorry to say. I think you should focus your sympathy on your wife who is clearly very stressed out by prior IEP meetings and what she's experienced. The school can handle it, trust me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She doesn’t need therapy, she needs to apologize. Is she remorseful?

what does she have to be remorseful for? OP needs to differentiate a little and stop being so fused with his wife. Just because he feels embarassed does not mean that she has to apologize. She didn't humiliate him. He felt humiliated by her behavior.