My partner humiliated me (us) in IEP meeting...how to repair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Email each staff person individually to apologize for the direction the meeting took, and to thank them for their time, patience and future help. Also, add a line that says they can always feel free to contact you at this number/email with any questions going forward. You are happy to help in any way that helps your child succeed in school.

You don't need to apologize for your wife -- that is her job to do for herself.

What you are doing by emailing them is to (1) make it clear that you are your own person (e.g., you are not your wife in tone, perspective, thought process, reactionary nature, etc.); (2) let them know that you are the approachable, lower-octane person in the marriage; and (3) let it be known that you are the stable one.

His wife isn't unstable because she got upset during an IEP meeting. And it's very important that they be a team. Terrible advice; go back to GP.

Not that it matters, but I am a woman.

Agree with you about being a team.


Has your wife been able to articulate what made her feel hostile during the meeting? I am in the clear minority that both the process and implementation of my child’s IEP have been easier and better than I expected. I have to imagine it depends on the individuals you are dealing with a lot. We were coming from a private school which refused to do ANY accommodation (even ones I now understand to be fairly routine) despite us paying $$$$ tuition so I do understand the PTSD aspect of this situation but for me it was such a relief to talk to a team who seemed reasonably focused on meeting my kids needs I was beside myself with relief. If your wife was not objecting to something that happened during the actual meeting she may need to do some work before she can effectively advocate for your child. Blowing up when there is no reason to do so is just not helpful. But maybe she had a concern you are glossing over in your embarrassment? I could see this either way but I don’t think y can move forward with out understanding the why.

For me, if my partner and I had agreed to go one way on an approach, I would expect there to be a really good reason for them to not follow through. Your description of the meeting doesn’t imply there was a good reason but maybe you are missing something.

Good luck, this is a long road so I wish you the best in figuring out how to work together going forward.

This has thread has been eye opening to the world of special ed parents...we are definitely new here...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Email each staff person individually to apologize for the direction the meeting took, and to thank them for their time, patience and future help. Also, add a line that says they can always feel free to contact you at this number/email with any questions going forward. You are happy to help in any way that helps your child succeed in school.

You don't need to apologize for your wife -- that is her job to do for herself.

What you are doing by emailing them is to (1) make it clear that you are your own person (e.g., you are not your wife in tone, perspective, thought process, reactionary nature, etc.); (2) let them know that you are the approachable, lower-octane person in the marriage; and (3) let it be known that you are the stable one.

His wife isn't unstable because she got upset during an IEP meeting. And it's very important that they be a team. Terrible advice; go back to GP.

Not that it matters, but I am a woman.

Agree with you about being a team.


Has your wife been able to articulate what made her feel hostile during the meeting? I am in the clear minority that both the process and implementation of my child’s IEP have been easier and better than I expected. I have to imagine it depends on the individuals you are dealing with a lot. We were coming from a private school which refused to do ANY accommodation (even ones I now understand to be fairly routine) despite us paying $$$$ tuition so I do understand the PTSD aspect of this situation but for me it was such a relief to talk to a team who seemed reasonably focused on meeting my kids needs I was beside myself with relief. If your wife was not objecting to something that happened during the actual meeting she may need to do some work before she can effectively advocate for your child. Blowing up when there is no reason to do so is just not helpful. But maybe she had a concern you are glossing over in your embarrassment? I could see this either way but I don’t think y can move forward with out understanding the why.

For me, if my partner and I had agreed to go one way on an approach, I would expect there to be a really good reason for them to not follow through. Your description of the meeting doesn’t imply there was a good reason but maybe you are missing something.

Good luck, this is a long road so I wish you the best in figuring out how to work together going forward.

This has thread has been eye opening to the world of special ed parents...we are definitely new here...

Omg I really messed up the quote there, sorry

[Anonymous]

Teachers actually don't go into meetings expecting to be screamed at for no reason and it absolutely dissolves rapport with the school. Even advocates who come in nastily will get shut down by the team, on this board I've seen a couple negative stories resulting from that approach. Raw aggression only works great with blatantly incompetent staff, but there's no reason to destroy a good relationship with the school if they haven't messed up yet.

[Anonymous]

OP without giving identifying information away, could you provide a more detailed example of the exchanges during the meeting so we can get a better idea of what was going on? Incorrectly using jargon could mean a variety of things.

[Anonymous]

While I understand the pre-mediated anger and frustration that wife was feeling, there was no need to go in there with guns blazing off the jump. OP and wife agreed to a strategy and wife didn't hold up her end. I'd be unhappy.

For the next meeting, I'd go alone. OP. you sound like a good advocate for your child. See if wife will let you take the next one by yourself.

We've been going to IEP meetings for seven years, through private schools and public schools. At this point, we have a decent idea on what the schools effectively can and cannot do. We now often laugh (privately) about some of the things they propose. It's a learning process.

[Anonymous]

I would also find a time when you are both calm and ask your wife to discuss what happened in the meeting. I would explain your observations that the staff seemed supportive/helpful and so you were surprised by her strong reaction. You may want to ask whether there was something that you missed in what the team said that prompted her reaction. You certainly can tell her that you were embarrassed, but in my experience that is unlikely to lead to a productive discussion, so you may want to be strategic as to when you mention that fact.

You may be surprised and find that upon reflection, she realizes that she overreacted. Or, you may find that despite the fact that the team seemed nice, something they said is problematic for your child.

Depending on the response, you and your wife can decide to (1) do nothing and not follow up, (2) send an email to the team to try to get back on a better path, or (3) send an email to the team noting your wife's concern with the specific problem. I strongly suggest that you not contact them behind your wife's back and throw her under the bus. It is best for your child when the school believes that you are a united front.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Email each staff person individually to apologize for the direction the meeting took, and to thank them for their time, patience and future help. Also, add a line that says they can always feel free to contact you at this number/email with any questions going forward. You are happy to help in any way that helps your child succeed in school.

You don't need to apologize for your wife -- that is her job to do for herself.

What you are doing by emailing them is to (1) make it clear that you are your own person (e.g., you are not your wife in tone, perspective, thought process, reactionary nature, etc.); (2) let them know that you are the approachable, lower-octane person in the marriage; and (3) let it be known that you are the stable one.

His wife isn't unstable because she got upset during an IEP meeting. And it's very important that they be a team. Terrible advice; go back to GP.

Exactly. I think it's ok to have a good-cop bad-cop situation going. At times I have been so upset at the school that I didn't want to deal with the teachers. My DH was less upset and could deal with them more appropriately, so that was fine. However - an undermining email like that would be a real d*ck move and not helpful for your child. And can we just talk for a minute about the massively sexist dynamic where the man is "sane" and the woman is "crazy"? Meanwhile the "sane" man is relying on/benefitting from all the work the "crazy" woman is doing through her advocacy.

+1

[Anonymous]

Sorry, what benefit did OP derive from her wife screaming at their child's team? That is not advocacy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I get that we need to advocate for our kids and not by shy to push for what we want. But this meeting was simply an IEP review to meet the new team. And at this meeting, they actually came to the table proposing an amendment to give our child more hours of support. They gave so many great anecdotes about our child that demonstrated that they really know them, and more so, that they really like our child! They had a good grasp on the goals, provided data ahead of time, asked us about what we are most concerned about...truly, they couldn't have been more prepared or professional.

I don't see any reason to treat other adults, who are spending 30+ hours per week with our child so disrespectfully. I guess you kind of had to be there but it was such a tense meeting. One specialist looked like she was going to cry.

It is interesting to read the counter points. Noted and reflecting on that for sure. But if this is par for the course in these meetings, I am surprised that educators last very long. That would be so draining to deal with week after week.

Female here and I agree. I do most of the advocating for our child. I believe in always behaving like a professional and being respectful. I have hired an advocate before if I could not resolve things. My husband would like me to be more crass, but I refuse. I understand how challenging the job must be and I have dealt with enough difficult clients myself that I don't want to make anyone miserable. That doesn't mean I am not a tough advocate. I just do it politely and stick to facts. I only hire an advocate when they start gaslighting or ignoring my child's rights. I am not looking to make a decent teacher burn out. Occasionally it's a lousy teacher. More often there is a lousy administrator who is clueless about special ed law.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, what benefit did OP derive from her wife screaming at their child's team? That is not advocacy.

What benefit did the child gain from op getting all glow-y and excited that the team just loves her child and was clearly willing to just take what she could get? Neither party was in the right here. The wife’s reaction may well have been to her partner being an easily convinced dumb as$. Who knows?

[Anonymous]

Is it possible to pay an advocate for an hour or two so they can train you both on the best way to negotiate during a meeting? Most of them give 30 minute free consults, so there's no harm in speaking to several to glean information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Email each staff person individually to apologize for the direction the meeting took, and to thank them for their time, patience and future help. Also, add a line that says they can always feel free to contact you at this number/email with any questions going forward. You are happy to help in any way that helps your child succeed in school.

You don't need to apologize for your wife -- that is her job to do for herself.

What you are doing by emailing them is to (1) make it clear that you are your own person (e.g., you are not your wife in tone, perspective, thought process, reactionary nature, etc.); (2) let them know that you are the approachable, lower-octane person in the marriage; and (3) let it be known that you are the stable one.

If my husband did this, it would cause big problems in our marriage. You would just give very gossipy school staff reason to gossip about your family. Do not undermine your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Please bookmark this post. By the time your child is ten, you and your wife will hopefully be reading it together and laughing hysterically.

[Anonymous]

If any staff would gossip, it's about the parent who berated support staff, not the spouse apologizing. And can we stop erasing the fact that OP is a mother herself? I'm not into everyone automatically assuming she's a man and dismissing her because she wants to be decent to her child's teachers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If any staff would gossip, it's about the parent who berated support staff, not the spouse apologizing. And can we stop erasing the fact that OP is a mother herself? I'm not into everyone automatically assuming she's a man and dismissing her because she wants to be decent to her child's teachers.

I think that's the point - the suggestion that OP should aggrandize themselves as the "stable" parent is just fueling gossip against the other parent. regardless of OP's own gender, the "crazy mom" is absolutely a sexist trope that OP would be perpetuating.