Future MIL Stress - Please Help!
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Anonymous
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My fiance and I are getting married later this year after 5 years of dating. I want my future MIL to like me as I am very family-oriented and would love to have a close relationship with my in-laws. I 100% understand that no one will ever care as much about your wedding as you do, but my fiance is her oldest child and only son. I thought she would appreciate the painstaking effort we are making to include her in the wedding given the stereotype around MIL/DIL relationships and how DILs tend to shut MILs out of the wedding planning process.
Here are some of the things that have happened over the course of the engagement: 1) Asked fiance if he wanted to go to dinner to celebrate shortly after the engagement. When we arrived she commented that she was only expecting my fiance, not the two of us together. 2) Made a comment in front of me along the lines of "Thank God I'm only on the hook for the rehearsal dinner." 3) Made no effort to reach out to my parents 4) Completely uninterested in the wedding planning process or anything having to do with the wedding. When we went to the venue and told them we wanted a fall wedding, his mom asked the wedding coordinator if we could "bump up the date if another bride cancelled." Wedding coordinator had to explain that it doesn't work like that, and weddings are not typically cancelled. 5) We try to include her in the process by sending her different vendors we are considering/have chosen and her responses are beyond bizarre. For example, we sent her a link to our videographer (that is award-winning and a total splurge for us) and she asked "What made you choose them?" We sent her a link to our photographer's website and her only remark was that the photographer "had bangs." I sent her a copy of the digital proof of our invitation (which she asked to see) to which she replied that she was surprised my fiance's middle name was on the invitation. When I showed her a picture of me in my dress she replied "oh, nice." 6) Asked if she should bring her own beer to my bridal shower (WTF? It was hosted by family, catered, and had alcohol) 7) Had her friend approach me at my bridal shower and ask if she could get ready with us in the bridal suite. I was totally caught off guard since the request wasn't coming from my MIL herself, the bridal suite is catered and will cost additional $ per person, and MIL's friend would just ... sit there? while the rest of us get our hair and makeup done. Also, a non-wedding-related offense that's worth noting - I threw my fiance a surprise 30th birthday party earlier this year. I rented out a room at a local bar and had dinner and drinks. It was a splurge for me, but it was a milestone birthday for him and I knew he had always wanted a surprise party. His mom RSVP'd no (through my future sister-in-law, not even to me directly) because she "day drinks" and "would be done drinking by 7PM." Am I right to be upset or at least annoyed by these interactions? Does anyone have any advice? My fiance has tried to reach out to her to explain that her distance and lack of interest in our lives is hurtful and we love her and just want to see her more to which she replied that he needs to "remember who he's talking to." |
Anonymous
| You sound like a bridezilla. I am put off just by your post. |
Anonymous
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You have a right to be annoyed.
But trust and believe the best thing you can do is ignore. Smile and be pleasant, except when you need to see a boundary. When it doesn’t matter, give her her way with a bemused, indulgent air, as with a child: “Of course you can bring Miller Lite, Mary! It will be fully catered with top-shelf alcohol, but if you need Miller Lite to feel comfortable, go right ahead!” |
Anonymous
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Oh dear. You are very high maintenance. I hope you are a troll. But if you are not, learn this right now. She is not the MIL you expect her to be, so deal with who you have, and not who you think she should be, (this will serve you well when you have children - they also will not be what you imagined).
She sounds like a piece of work, but clearly she doesn’t care about the kinds of things you do. She’s not sentimental, and she clearly takes a less formal view of life than you do. Lighten up, Francis. |
Anonymous
Ha! I like this! Thanks! |
Anonymous
| If this how you feel now, settle in because it won’t likely change. Just learn to manage and kind but cold. |
Anonymous
| My MIL is very similar to what you’re describing. I also think you’re overreacting. Most of the things you listed are very minor and I cannot fathom why #4 and #5 bothered you at all. |
Anonymous
| She just sounds low class. She’s really hasn’t done anything too terrible. |
Anonymous
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I think this is a combination of you being a bit of a bridezilla (or just an event-zilla) and your MIL being odd/having issues. Some of what you wrote makes me think there's also something going on like alcoholism or anxiety or just having a hard time adjusting -- not attending the 30th birthday party, and wanting her friend to be in the bridal suite, suggest she's having issues coping.
Also I think that you have too many expectations for what a MIL "should" do. Some of the stuff you listed is just not sharing a frame of reference -- why should she know that cancellations to venues are rare? If you're going to consult her on small planning details, then you need to be prepared for her to participate, and not be annoyed if she doesn't participate in the exact way you want. I think you should probably just stop consulting her on small issues. If you want to be inclusive, just update her every once and a while about big decisions you've made, and stop micromanaging her responses to you. You're trying to prove something by involving her to the degree you are, and you're failing to understand her responses indicate that she's anxious about the wedding, and not interested/as clue-d in about planning as you are. |
Anonymous
Thanks for responding. I guess I'm not even sure why they bother me. I guess I assumed a future MIL would be excited to be included in the process, but you're right, it really doesn't matter in the long run and isn't worth worrying about. |
Anonymous
This is such good feedback. Thank you so much! We do suspect alcoholism and general anxiety/coping issues. FWIW, I agreed to have her friend in the bridal suite because I sensed that would make her more comfortable. I can definitely get micromanage-y at times and I think you're advise is spot-on; I'm trying to micromanage her responses. |
Anonymous
| You sound like bridezilla and like you are really needy/oversensitive. Why do you keep emphasizing that its a splurge for this and that? Nobody asked you to spend the money, maybe her friend didn't know how to makeup/hair thing works. You really need to get over yourself. |
Anonymous
| I’m Miller Lite poster. I agree that you need to let go of the MIL you expected/“should” have and deal, as best you can, with the one you got. |
Anonymous
I do think I'm being needy in that she has never shown me an ounce of affection and I do want a closer relationship with her (or, at the very least, her approval). I emphasized that it was a splurge because my fiance and I aren't the wealthiest people in the world and we were excited to be able to book such a well-known and high quality vendor. It was wrong of me to immediately take offence that my future MIL did not understand/did not share our excitement. |
Anonymous
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ADVICE:
Drop the expectation that you're going to have a dream relationship with your MIL. Just let it go. You're trying to force something that isn't going to happen. She's made it clear where she stands. She's not going to gush over you and tell you that you're the daughter she's always longed for. Nope. Not going to happen. Instead, focus your efforts on being polite and kind and being an adult with boundaries. Call out bullsh*t if you see it, but do so in a way that anyone listening would see you as a mature person. 1. Didn't expect you to come to dinner after announcing engagement? "Oh Madge, you're so funny. Of course we want to celebrate our engagement with you as a couple. We're family now." 2. Says, "Thank god I'm only on the hook for the rehearsal dinner." "I'm so excited for our families to come together at the rehearsal dinner. I know it will be lovely." 3. Hasn't reached out to your parents? Have yours reached out to her? 4 & 5. Not interested in planning the wedding? Okay. That's fine. Don't force it. And don't judge her for not being interested in those details and decisions. 6. Asked if she should bring her own beer? "Sure Madge." 7. Friend asked about getting ready in the bridal suite. "I'm sorry. We're just limiting it to the bridal party. Thanks for understanding." |