Future MIL Stress - Please Help!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I'll translate for you...

1) Asked fiance if he wanted to go to dinner to celebrate shortly after the engagement. When we arrived she commented that she was only expecting my fiance, not the two of us together.

Translation: She wanted to be able to share some observations about you privately with her son to make sure that he knows what he is getting into marrying you. She wanted to talk him out of it. She wanted to enjoy being with her child one last time before she was stuck with you always being there.

2) Made a comment in front of me along the lines of "Thank God I'm only on the hook for the rehearsal dinner."
Translation" She thinks you are spending far too much on the wedding and is glad that she doesn't need to pay for it. She may be concerned that you are not financially responsible. If you are from a wealthy family she may not approve of your background with frivolous or wasteful spending.

3) Made no effort to reach out to my parents

Translation: Why would this be necessary?
4) Completely uninterested in the wedding planning process or anything having to do with the wedding. When we went to the venue and told them we wanted a fall wedding, his mom asked the wedding coordinator if we could "bump up the date if another bride cancelled." Wedding coordinator had to explain that it doesn't work like that, and weddings are not typically cancelled.

Translation : She's pragmatic and only asking a question because you dragged her there. Its easier for other family to travel during the summer than the fall. She wants to know if its an option to bump it up if you get mad that some people can't come.

5) We try to include her in the process by sending her different vendors we are considering/have chosen and her responses are beyond bizarre. For example, we sent her a link to our videographer (that is award-winning and a total splurge for us) and she asked "What made you choose them?" We sent her a link to our photographer's website and her only remark was that the photographer "had bangs." I sent her a copy of the digital proof of our invitation (which she asked to see) to which she replied that she was surprised my fiance's middle name was on the invitation. When I showed her a picture of me in my dress she replied "oh, nice."

She doesn't understand why you keep trying to embroil her in this. The wedding is the bride's family responsibility not hers.
6) Asked if she should bring her own beer to my bridal shower (WTF? It was hosted by family, catered, and had alcohol)

[i]Translation: LOL this I is another dig that you are acting like a princess or tacky rich. [/i]

7) Had her friend approach me at my bridal shower and ask if she could get ready with us in the bridal suite. I was totally caught off guard since the request wasn't coming from my MIL herself, the bridal suite is catered and will cost additional $ per person, and MIL's friend would just ... sit there? while the rest of us get our hair and makeup done.

[i]Translation: Her friend wants a place to hang out. She didn't want to deal with you to ask.

Ding, ding, ding, ding!

You nailed every single question & the more OP tries to pull her closer, the more she's pushing MIL away (there's no doubt in my mind that the financial piece is THE biggest issue with her... she believes her son is going to go bankrupt trying to keep his entitled princess happy).

Don't share ANYTHING more about the cost of things with her or how big of a "splurge" things are. I know you're trying to impress her, but it's such a turnoff to her & you're not getting it.

Do you lack self awareness in other parts of your life too OP, or only with her because you're intimidated/insecure by her?

[Anonymous]

^^ It's me again.

By the way, I'm sincerely not trying to insult you or hurt your feelings.

I commend you for making family such an important priority - I'm sure there are MIL's all over the world who would kill to have a DIL like you.

Im just being brutally honest with you, because I think that's what you need... a wake up call.
Those sugar coating it with you or telling you that you're right, well... they aren't helping you AT ALL.
Please take our advice & you'll be much more comfortable around each other in the future.

Oh & if you take issue with her or something she does, go directly to the source - do NOT have your fiance address it with her (you see how well that went last time, right??) you go & talk to her yourself!

If she feels that you're trying to put him in the middle or you're trying to pit him against her, as outlandish as that accusation may seem to you, perception IS truly reality & if she feels intimidated or naturally competitive for her son's affection/attention, then that IS her perception... which will also inevitably be her reality.

She'll hate you for trying to pit her baby boy against her... trust me.

Congrats on the engagement & best wishes for a happy & healthy future!

[Anonymous]

NP +1 that she thinks you’re an entitled wannabe princess who is going to bankrupt her son and you’ll probably end up divorced eventually anyway because she doesn’t think she raised someone so superficial so he could never be happy with you. And honestly it seems to me like she might be right.

A wedding is just a day. Keep it in perspective.

[Anonymous]

How does your fiance treat you with regard to his mother? Body language and tone of voice go a long way in conveying that you are his number 1, and that he loves you and has your back. If you feel loved and cherished by him, I wouldn't worry. If you want, you could talk to a councelor about anxiety and alcoholism, I agree with the posters that suggest MIL may be dealing with those. Know that you can't fix or change her. Focus on how your fiance is treating you and go from there.

[Anonymous]

to many splurges, don't show up to events uninvited, sharing details you've already made a decision on isn't the same as being inclusive. Your intentions might be in the right place but step back and evaluate what you really are doing. PS - videographer, really?

[Anonymous]

Stop trying to make everyone play the perfect role and make you look perfect

I think this is a great line. Applies to many situations

Also, re: the friend in the bridal suite. MIL's friend may be pushing for this. She may be feeling, a bit, like a caretaker of your MIL (especially if there's a drinking problem) Now, MIL may not even know that the friend tries to take on this role. Friend may be pushing to be present and MIL may not exactly pick up on the real reason. Anyway, MIL may need support to be her (better?) tolerable self.

[Anonymous]

Oh please, OP does not sound like a bridezilla, but someone trying to be thoughtful and share details with future mil.

OP, seems like she doesn't seem to care much and that's okay. Stop sharing or asking her advice on some stuff. Yes, she does seem like an alcoholic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh please, OP does not sound like a bridezilla, but someone trying to be thoughtful and share details with future mil.

OP, seems like she doesn't seem to care much and that's okay. Stop sharing or asking her advice on some stuff. Yes, she does seem like an alcoholic.

Being obsessed with your wedding + not reading that other people are not = the ingredients of Bridezilla.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh please, OP does not sound like a bridezilla, but someone trying to be thoughtful and share details with future mil.

OP, seems like she doesn't seem to care much and that's okay. Stop sharing or asking her advice on some stuff. Yes, she does seem like an alcoholic.

Being obsessed with your wedding + not reading that other people are not = the ingredients of Bridezilla.

... and someone who is severely lacking in self awareness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh please, OP does not sound like a bridezilla, but someone trying to be thoughtful and share details with future mil.

OP, seems like she doesn't seem to care much and that's okay. Stop sharing or asking her advice on some stuff. Yes, she does seem like an alcoholic.

Being obsessed with your wedding + not reading that other people are not = the ingredients of Bridezilla.

... and someone who is severely lacking in self awareness.

+1

[Anonymous]

When we got married it was at my IL's church and club which meant my future MIL was going to be very involved but she really left it up to me as to how involved she would be. She had six sons which meant this was the only wedding she would ever really help plan so I did get her involved and we had fun. But generally MIL's stay out of it and leave it to the bride and her mother.

[Anonymous]

The problem, OP, is that you're not reaching out to include her or get her input. You're reaching out wanting her to be impressed and excited and to praise your wonderful taste and choices. She's put off by it and is retreating.

Whether it's because of your spending or because your selections aren't really her style isn't for me to say. But your current approach isn't working and if you want to salvage this relationship, you need to find another way to engage her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I'll translate for you...

1) Asked fiance if he wanted to go to dinner to celebrate shortly after the engagement. When we arrived she commented that she was only expecting my fiance, not the two of us together.

Translation: She wanted to be able to share some observations about you privately with her son to make sure that he knows what he is getting into marrying you. She wanted to talk him out of it. She wanted to enjoy being with her child one last time before she was stuck with you always being there.

2) Made a comment in front of me along the lines of "Thank God I'm only on the hook for the rehearsal dinner."
Translation" She thinks you are spending far too much on the wedding and is glad that she doesn't need to pay for it. She may be concerned that you are not financially responsible. If you are from a wealthy family she may not approve of your background with frivolous or wasteful spending.

3) Made no effort to reach out to my parents

Translation: Why would this be necessary?
4) Completely uninterested in the wedding planning process or anything having to do with the wedding. When we went to the venue and told them we wanted a fall wedding, his mom asked the wedding coordinator if we could "bump up the date if another bride cancelled." Wedding coordinator had to explain that it doesn't work like that, and weddings are not typically cancelled.

Translation : She's pragmatic and only asking a question because you dragged her there. Its easier for other family to travel during the summer than the fall. She wants to know if its an option to bump it up if you get mad that some people can't come.

5) We try to include her in the process by sending her different vendors we are considering/have chosen and her responses are beyond bizarre. For example, we sent her a link to our videographer (that is award-winning and a total splurge for us) and she asked "What made you choose them?" We sent her a link to our photographer's website and her only remark was that the photographer "had bangs." I sent her a copy of the digital proof of our invitation (which she asked to see) to which she replied that she was surprised my fiance's middle name was on the invitation. When I showed her a picture of me in my dress she replied "oh, nice."

She doesn't understand why you keep trying to embroil her in this. The wedding is the bride's family responsibility not hers.
6) Asked if she should bring her own beer to my bridal shower (WTF? It was hosted by family, catered, and had alcohol)

[i]Translation: LOL this I is another dig that you are acting like a princess or tacky rich. [/i]

7) Had her friend approach me at my bridal shower and ask if she could get ready with us in the bridal suite. I was totally caught off guard since the request wasn't coming from my MIL herself, the bridal suite is catered and will cost additional $ per person, and MIL's friend would just ... sit there? while the rest of us get our hair and makeup done.

[i]Translation: Her friend wants a place to hang out. She didn't want to deal with you to ask.

Ding, ding, ding, ding!

You nailed every single question & the more OP tries to pull her closer, the more she's pushing MIL away (there's no doubt in my mind that the financial piece is THE biggest issue with her... she believes her son is going to go bankrupt trying to keep his entitled princess happy).

Don't share ANYTHING more about the cost of things with her or how big of a "splurge" things are. I know you're trying to impress her, but it's such a turnoff to her & you're not getting it.

Do you lack self awareness in other parts of your life too OP, or only with her because you're intimidated/insecure by her?

MIL here. I had all sorts of issues with my mil, but now I'm seeing how the sterotype happens. Families all do things differently, so I'm always misunderstood and everything is taken the wrong way. She said your wedding dress is nice, but that wasn't enough....

My son got marred a couple years ago and I was so stressed at the money being spent on frivolous wedding plans. They didn't have the money, were renting and talking about buying a home, having babies right away, etc. My son was still finishing school. We gently made suggestions for a small wedding, keep expenses down as they save for a down payment. Now 2 years later they can't afford to buy a home and they have a baby. They are spending on top of the line baby items they can't afford.

DIL is now blaming us and her parents for not helping out with the wedding, not being supportive. Her mom and I are helping many times every week with the baby. I finally quietly said I was overwhelmed with the money spent on the wedding instead of saving for a home and baby. DIL cried and agreed they shouldn't have spent so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I'll translate for you...

1) Asked fiance if he wanted to go to dinner to celebrate shortly after the engagement. When we arrived she commented that she was only expecting my fiance, not the two of us together.

Translation: She wanted to be able to share some observations about you privately with her son to make sure that he knows what he is getting into marrying you. She wanted to talk him out of it. She wanted to enjoy being with her child one last time before she was stuck with you always being there.

2) Made a comment in front of me along the lines of "Thank God I'm only on the hook for the rehearsal dinner."
Translation" She thinks you are spending far too much on the wedding and is glad that she doesn't need to pay for it. She may be concerned that you are not financially responsible. If you are from a wealthy family she may not approve of your background with frivolous or wasteful spending.

3) Made no effort to reach out to my parents

Translation: Why would this be necessary?
4) Completely uninterested in the wedding planning process or anything having to do with the wedding. When we went to the venue and told them we wanted a fall wedding, his mom asked the wedding coordinator if we could "bump up the date if another bride cancelled." Wedding coordinator had to explain that it doesn't work like that, and weddings are not typically cancelled.

Translation : She's pragmatic and only asking a question because you dragged her there. Its easier for other family to travel during the summer than the fall. She wants to know if its an option to bump it up if you get mad that some people can't come.

5) We try to include her in the process by sending her different vendors we are considering/have chosen and her responses are beyond bizarre. For example, we sent her a link to our videographer (that is award-winning and a total splurge for us) and she asked "What made you choose them?" We sent her a link to our photographer's website and her only remark was that the photographer "had bangs." I sent her a copy of the digital proof of our invitation (which she asked to see) to which she replied that she was surprised my fiance's middle name was on the invitation. When I showed her a picture of me in my dress she replied "oh, nice."

She doesn't understand why you keep trying to embroil her in this. The wedding is the bride's family responsibility not hers.
6) Asked if she should bring her own beer to my bridal shower (WTF? It was hosted by family, catered, and had alcohol)

[i]Translation: LOL this I is another dig that you are acting like a princess or tacky rich. [/i]

7) Had her friend approach me at my bridal shower and ask if she could get ready with us in the bridal suite. I was totally caught off guard since the request wasn't coming from my MIL herself, the bridal suite is catered and will cost additional $ per person, and MIL's friend would just ... sit there? while the rest of us get our hair and makeup done.

[i]Translation: Her friend wants a place to hang out. She didn't want to deal with you to ask.

Ding, ding, ding, ding!

You nailed every single question & the more OP tries to pull her closer, the more she's pushing MIL away (there's no doubt in my mind that the financial piece is THE biggest issue with her... she believes her son is going to go bankrupt trying to keep his entitled princess happy).

Don't share ANYTHING more about the cost of things with her or how big of a "splurge" things are. I know you're trying to impress her, but it's such a turnoff to her & you're not getting it.

Do you lack self awareness in other parts of your life too OP, or only with her because you're intimidated/insecure by her?

MIL here. I had all sorts of issues with my mil, but now I'm seeing how the sterotype happens. Families all do things differently, so I'm always misunderstood and everything is taken the wrong way. She said your wedding dress is nice, but that wasn't enough....

My son got marred a couple years ago and I was so stressed at the money being spent on frivolous wedding plans. They didn't have the money, were renting and talking about buying a home, having babies right away, etc. My son was still finishing school. We gently made suggestions for a small wedding, keep expenses down as they save for a down payment. Now 2 years later they can't afford to buy a home and they have a baby. They are spending on top of the line baby items they can't afford.

DIL is now blaming us and her parents for not helping out with the wedding, not being supportive. Her mom and I are helping many times every week with the baby. I finally quietly said I was overwhelmed with the money spent on the wedding instead of saving for a home and baby. DIL cried and agreed they shouldn't have spent so much.

Totally agree with the PP and the bolded statement.

Weddings are such a frivolous event to spend so much money on... but nobody can tell that to OP now.

She'll have to find out for herself - such as every hard lesson in life.

It won't be until after it's all over and they talk about buying a home, that's when she'll look back like your DIL and regret spending so much money on a day that goes by so incredibly fast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem, OP, is that you're not reaching out to include her or get her input. You're reaching out wanting her to be impressed and excited and to praise your wonderful taste and choices. She's put off by it and is retreating.

Whether it's because of your spending or because your selections aren't really her style isn't for me to say. But your current approach isn't working and if you want to salvage this relationship, you need to find another way to engage her.

Yep.