Future MIL Stress - Please Help!

[Anonymous]

How old are you OP? If fiance is 30, and you close to him, why are you wasting money on expensive photographers and other pricey things. If your MIL is not well off, she should be disapproving of such a waste of money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like bridezilla and like you are really needy/oversensitive. Why do you keep emphasizing that its a splurge for this and that? Nobody asked you to spend the money, maybe her friend didn't know how to makeup/hair thing works. You really need to get over yourself.

I do think I'm being needy in that she has never shown me an ounce of affection and I do want a closer relationship with her (or, at the very least, her approval). I emphasized that it was a splurge because my fiance and I aren't the wealthiest people in the world and we were excited to be able to book such a well-known and high quality vendor. It was wrong of me to immediately take offence that my future MIL did not understand/did not share our excitement.

I sort of understand what you mean. I tried my best to foster a good relationship with my MIL in the first few years of marriage, little thoughtful gifts and gestures, trying to do the 'right' thing, but guess what? I should have taken the hint earlier. Remember, when someone shows you who they are, believe them.

[Anonymous]

sorry for the double post ^^^^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is very similar to what you’re describing. I also think you’re overreacting. Most of the things you listed are very minor and I cannot fathom why #4 and #5 bothered you at all.

Thanks for responding. I guess I'm not even sure why they bother me. I guess I assumed a future MIL would be excited to be included in the process, but you're right, it really doesn't matter in the long run and isn't worth worrying about.

PP here. One positive thing about a MIL like this - she’s hands off! You’ll appreciate this more when you start buying a house, having kids, etc. I get that it hurts that she isn’t interested, but it’s infinitely worse to have a MIL who wants to micromanage your life. There is a silver lining here.

[Anonymous]

My mil also did so many of these things and didn’t care to be involved at all. She blew my parents off so many times. A few years later dhs sister gets married and she is incredibly involved. And she gushed over his parents. I have never figured it out why she’s so distant to my parents (who are objectively warm, friendly people) but loves my brother in laws parents. My parents have never been invited to thanksgiving but his get invited yearly.

In-laws are strange and you can’t look for reason. There’s often not a reason. Mothers of sons don’t put in the effort to weddings that mothers of daughters do

[Anonymous]

Stop asking for her approval of decisions you're making. I wouldn't care about the videopgrapher or photographer either.

Did YOUR parents reach out to her? Why should she reach out to them? I've been married 11 years and my parents have met DH's parents only two or three times. It's fine.

[Anonymous]

Why would she want to be involved with wedding planning? Why are you going so overboard with your wedding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a combination of you being a bit of a bridezilla (or just an event-zilla) and your MIL being odd/having issues. Some of what you wrote makes me think there's also something going on like alcoholism or anxiety or just having a hard time adjusting -- not attending the 30th birthday party, and wanting her friend to be in the bridal suite, suggest she's having issues coping.

Also I think that you have too many expectations for what a MIL "should" do. Some of the stuff you listed is just not sharing a frame of reference -- why should she know that cancellations to venues are rare? If you're going to consult her on small planning details, then you need to be prepared for her to participate, and not be annoyed if she doesn't participate in the exact way you want. I think you should probably just stop consulting her on small issues. If you want to be inclusive, just update her every once and a while about big decisions you've made, and stop micromanaging her responses to you.

You're trying to prove something by involving her to the degree you are, and you're failing to understand her responses indicate that she's anxious about the wedding, and not interested/as clue-d in about planning as you are.

This is such good feedback. Thank you so much! We do suspect alcoholism and general anxiety/coping issues. FWIW, I agreed to have her friend in the bridal suite because I sensed that would make her more comfortable. I can definitely get micromanage-y at times and I think you're advise is spot-on; I'm trying to micromanage her responses.

I believe your hearts in the right place I also have a difficult MIL who acted in ways completely different from what I expected, and yeah it was rough. But I'm glad that (with a few exceptions) I managed to preserve our relationship and now things are pretty OK. I would definitely not have any "come to jesus" talks with her about whether she's close enough to you guys, etc. It's a hard transition to make for an adult child, but it sounds like your DH (and you) need to start seeing yourselves in more of a caretaker role towards her now. Sometimes that happens sooner than you would expect. My guess is that the more kindness and warmth you show her, the more you facilitate her relationship with your DH (and eventually your kids) without expecting any particular response, the better things will turn out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a combination of you being a bit of a bridezilla (or just an event-zilla) and your MIL being odd/having issues. Some of what you wrote makes me think there's also something going on like alcoholism or anxiety or just having a hard time adjusting -- not attending the 30th birthday party, and wanting her friend to be in the bridal suite, suggest she's having issues coping.

Also I think that you have too many expectations for what a MIL "should" do. Some of the stuff you listed is just not sharing a frame of reference -- why should she know that cancellations to venues are rare? If you're going to consult her on small planning details, then you need to be prepared for her to participate, and not be annoyed if she doesn't participate in the exact way you want. I think you should probably just stop consulting her on small issues. If you want to be inclusive, just update her every once and a while about big decisions you've made, and stop micromanaging her responses to you.

You're trying to prove something by involving her to the degree you are, and you're failing to understand her responses indicate that she's anxious about the wedding, and not interested/as clue-d in about planning as you are.

This is such good feedback. Thank you so much! We do suspect alcoholism and general anxiety/coping issues. FWIW, I agreed to have her friend in the bridal suite because I sensed that would make her more comfortable. I can definitely get micromanage-y at times and I think you're advise is spot-on; I'm trying to micromanage her responses.

I believe your hearts in the right place I also have a difficult MIL who acted in ways completely different from what I expected, and yeah it was rough. But I'm glad that (with a few exceptions) I managed to preserve our relationship and now things are pretty OK. I would definitely not have any "come to jesus" talks with her about whether she's close enough to you guys, etc. It's a hard transition to make for an adult child, but it sounds like your DH (and you) need to start seeing yourselves in more of a caretaker role towards her now. Sometimes that happens sooner than you would expect. My guess is that the more kindness and warmth you show her, the more you facilitate her relationship with your DH (and eventually your kids) without expecting any particular response, the better things will turn out.

Oh another thing - can you appoint a MIL "handler" at the wedding? One of your DH's siblings? Someone to make sure that she has what she needs, that she gets to where she's supposed to be for pictures, toasts, etc?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh dear. You are very high maintenance. I hope you are a troll. But if you are not, learn this right now. She is not the MIL you expect her to be, so deal with who you have, and not who you think she should be, (this will serve you well when you have children - they also will not be what you imagined).

She sounds like a piece of work, but clearly she doesn’t care about the kinds of things you do. She’s not sentimental, and she clearly takes a less formal view of life than you do. Lighten up, Francis.

These are very wise words.
I would also add to pick your battles and not one of these would be a battle for me.
We don’t know your finances but since you say “splurge” often it sounds like maybe you are spending a lot on your wedding. If she knows that may make it tight for you, she may not be excited as you want her to be but put off that a newly married couple is spending so much. I would agree with her.

[Anonymous]

She sounds peculiar, but not offensive. My advice is to let it all go. I'm in an inlaw situation where all these little things get misconstrued and then gossiped about and it leaves me questioning every interaction. At this very moment, I have a text I need to reply to from an inlaw. I know that no matter how I respond, I will be wrong. My inlaw will tell my other inlaw who will tell my dh that I was rude and my dh will imply to me that I did it wrong. Op, seriously, do not be irritated that your MIL doesn't do things the way you want her to. These are very minor issues. LIVE AND LET LIVE.

[Anonymous]

I do not think you are high maintenance at all! You just sound like an excited bride who is trying to make sure MIL is not left out. I personally think you should just continue with all your planning to have your wedding the way you and your fiancé want it. Make your decisions on your plans and move on with out asking for her approval! All you need is your fiancé’s approval. She is not into the planning, let it go. Do not let her stress you out! Have fun planning! It is your big day! Your relationship with her will evolve over the years and it will be fine. Believe me, I would take lack of interest any day over a MIL who was demanding. Do not give her so much information. Pick what you and your fiancé like and do not ask her opinion.
I hope you have a beautiful wedding of your dreams. All you really need is a loving fiancé. My very Best Wishes to you both!

[Anonymous]

Isn’t it normal for moms to be very hands off of their son’s wedding?

The “on the hook” comment makes me think she thinks you’re a spendthrift. If my brother’s bride kept sending my mom links to vendors, she would think you were fishing for financial contributions.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a person that thrives on stress OP. You are creating it all on your own.

[Anonymous]

New poster here

A lot of the things you said in your OP remind me a LOT of my MIL. Yes, she was an alcoholic too.

As far as seeming disinterested in the planning--I bet that's because she is afraid if she gives any "imput" into the planning, you will expect her to pay for it. "Hey Larla, since you said you liked that videographer, we wanted you to know that your share of the bill is $xxx" I know that is not what you intend, but for some reason she has it in her mind that is what you will do; or at least, that was the case with my MIL.