Future MIL Stress - Please Help!

[Anonymous]

You need to take it down several notches. Why would she be reaching out to your parents?? My parents and ILs have only met a couple times and we’ve been married 10 years. And you are sending her vendors? What? My own mother didn’t care at all about any of that stuff, I cannot fathom why you would send her links to the vendors you picked. Her friend sounds clueless about getting ready, hopefully you can explain it’s usually just the bridal party but of course she and MIL can stop by and say hi or whatever.

[Anonymous]

I also think she is trying to keep a polite distance because she thinks you might want/expect her to pay for things, along with the other issues (coping, alcohol) you suspect. I also think your heart is in the right place. I’m not sure how old you are but you sound young and maybe a little overeager for her approval. clearly she’s not going to be the type of MIL you’re looking for right now. That’s okay!

It sounds like you have a mom and a dad yourself who I’m sure are very excited, so I would stop focusing on MIL or expecting her to have input on vendors, etc.

[Anonymous]

Oh and some of the things you’re focusing on like the cancellation comment seem totally benign. Of course venues have cancellations. No need to think condescendingly toward an innocent question.

[Anonymous]

Moms don’t care about son’s weddings. Just let it go and surround yourself with people who care

[Anonymous]

Are you 12? Really, the fact that you took the time to think about and write about most of this petty bulls***.
Grow up.

[Anonymous]

You are creating more drama. Just shrug her comments off. She sounds a little socially awkward but you sound dramatic. You don’t need to be BFFs with her.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think you are being a bridezilla or appear to be needy or high maintenance. Although I’m a mother so far of only daughters getting married my friends group is a mix. I think it’s VERY common now for the groom’s mother to be included in what’s being chosen for the wedding and my friends with sons are happy to included but they also act with a deference the choices of the bride & her family as its still the rare wedding where the groom’s family pays a share anywhere close to the bride’s side (although most weddings in my friends group are largely paid for by the couple.)

My oldest daughter shared some of the details in planning the wedding w/her in-laws (who did not pay for any part of the wedding/rehearsal etc BUT they are of modest means and my DD and SIL presented wedding as if they paid for all.) Her now MIL acknowledged but wasn’t an active participant. My DD getting married in a month has opened up to her future MIL and she’s been pretty involved and enjoying process. She and I are very much in sync that this is our ‘kids’ wedding and we show enthusiasm for their choices and give opinions if they seem genuinely requested.

You future MIL may be shy/insecure or displeased. Keep doing what you’re doing and let her find her role in this herself. (The celebratory lunch expectation of only her son was the weirdest thing you listed but let it go!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a bridezilla. I am put off just by your post.

+1

[Anonymous]

She sounds like an odd duck, but not an offensive one. I agree there seems to be some social anxiety or alcoholism going on - or maybe she feels out of place and she’s awkwardly trying to make conversation the best she can. If her daughters haven’t been married yet and she doesn’t have friends whose kids are planning weddings, she may have been surprised at what complicated, expensive ordeals weddings are these days. I know my mom and MIL both got a crash course in modern weddings when I planned mine since my husband and I are both the oldest. I’m sure they said some weird things to my vendors along the way.

[Anonymous]

You're doing fine OP. I feel like everything between you and MIL will fall into place at the wedding. She probably just needs a few drinks to be herself and hasn't been able to get to that point around you yet. I'm like this myself and people can think I'm standoff-ish at first but nah I just need a little "help".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh dear. You are very high maintenance. I hope you are a troll. But if you are not, learn this right now. She is not the MIL you expect her to be, so deal with who you have, and not who you think she should be, (this will serve you well when you have children - they also will not be what you imagined).

She sounds like a piece of work, but clearly she doesn’t care about the kinds of things you do. She’s not sentimental, and she clearly takes a less formal view of life than you do. Lighten up, Francis.

YES, to everything you wrote... most especially the Stripes reference.

[Anonymous]

I was completely overwhelmed by that list, let alone someone with coping/anxiety/drinking issues.

OP, are you by any chance Type A personality & she clearly is not?

[Anonymous]

The problem isn’t that you’re trying to include her, it’s that you’re getting offended that she’s not responding exactly the way you expect. Welcome to dealing with a different family - they act and respond differently than yours. You’re mostly annoyed she’s not acting all thrilled to be involved, but then you’re also annoyed she asked to be part of the “getting ready” ie - be involved in a friendly and intimate part of the wedding preparations. And FYI, it is NOT obvious or expected that “getting ready” involves catering. Every wedding I’ve been involved in has included optional hair/makeup for bridal party - some people will be doing it themselves.

[Anonymous]

I have a feeling that this quest if yours to make her like you, accept you, love you, etc, is going to do nothing but push her further and further away from you.

What you're doing is counterproductive & it's creating drama - especially now that your fiance has had to have "a talk" with her.

Her reaction says everything & if you don't back off now, you're going to end up with the exact OPPOSITE of the relationship you wanted and it will be your fault for pushing her.

[Anonymous]

You are asking her to have opinions on things that she is not paying for. She may feel awkward or unsure of why you are asking her to validate your choice of photographer for instance. She may have legitimate sticker shock at the cost of your wedding since, in her mind, she sincerely could not afford to pay for it and worries that that may be your next question "MIL, since you also love the photographer we've chosen could you possibly help to pay for our wedding pictures?".

I suspect that you are getting such a lukewarm response because your future MIL does not think that her son is in the financial position to afford such a big wedding and she worries if you are going to start off your married life together with a huge wedding debt to pay off. If you also have student loans to pay off that might make her doubly worried.

Regardless of her concerns, I agree with the above poster that her reaction is telling you to back off. Take a deep breath and allow her to come to you.