Future MIL Stress - Please Help!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: If my brother’s bride kept sending my mom links to vendors, she would think you were fishing for financial contributions.

Gosh, this sounds like my dad. Whenever I have tried to share things with him (deciding between two car models, a house I wanted to bid on, inviting him to drive to another city with me), his response is, "Well I hope you don't think I'm going to pay for it!"

Like, chill, you haven't given me a dime since I left for college.

NP, but that’s not the case here, isn’t? MIL is being expected to pay for the rehearsal dinner.

Grown adults who are old enough to get married, and have so much money for venues and photographers shouldn’t be expecting the grooms mommy to pay for their rehearsal dinner, just because it’s tradition.

OP never said her parents aren’t paying.

Maybe money is also why MIL didn’t come to the birthday party (gift giving occasion) and was surprised when OP came to dinner when not specifically invited (MIL was planning to pick up the tab). And for that matter bringing her own beer (signaling she wasn’t planning to chip in for whatever elaborate party OP’s shower was shaping up to be). The root of all of this may well be MIL’s worry about the expectations on her financial resources and feeling like she can’t live up to whatever this DIL seems to expect.

Okay, if OPs parents ARE paying for this “spendy” wedding, then the fact that OP keeps talking about these things with MIL even more obnoxious.

And I still stand by the fact that two grown adults old enough to get married should pay for their own party.

[Anonymous]

Drop the notion that you are family orientated.

[Anonymous]

I might be wrong, but I get the impression that this engagement/wedding came as a huge "Surprise!" to the future MIL. The "congratulations dinner" was supposed to be more of a "WTH are you doing???!!" dinner. MIL is showing great restraint in her replies to Op.

Team MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I might be wrong, but I get the impression that this engagement/wedding came as a huge "Surprise!" to the future MIL. The "congratulations dinner" was supposed to be more of a "WTH are you doing???!!" dinner. MIL is showing great restraint in her replies to Op.

Team MIL.

I won’t go that far but I would be very interested to hear MIL’s perspective on what this dinner actually was and if there’s a gap between OP and MIL’s understanding.

[Anonymous]

What exactly did you expect her to say about a videographer or photographer?! people can hardly stand to sit through the wedding video - why in the world would someone want to look through the random website of one. this isn't an interesting wedding detail.

[Anonymous]

You need to lighten up. MIL's have very little to do with the wedding planning and since she sounds bitchy you're just making it worse. Hopefully after your married you won't live near her because you are getting a taste of what your relationship will be like. No one is good enough for her son.

[Anonymous]

When my son got married I had nothing to do with the wedding planning process except for the details of the rehearsal dinner and to make sure the bride's mother and I weren't wearing the same dress. I have two daughters who got married and their MIL's weren't involved either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a bridezilla. I am put off just by your post.

I think her future MIL sounds totally nuts. OP, your future MIL has serious mental problems. Know from the beginning that there will be no clisevfa ily relationship. Be nice and pleasant but do not let it break your heart.

[Anonymous]

Close family not clisvef amily!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a bridezilla. I am put off just by your post.

I think her future MIL sounds totally nuts. OP, your future MIL has serious mental problems. Know from the beginning that there will be no clisevfa ily relationship. Be nice and pleasant but do not let it break your heart.

Funny, I think OP sounds nuts.

[Anonymous]

The relationship determines the distance.

Meaning --- feeling close, not so close ....you can't go wishing for a certain kind of relationship and then be unhappy when it's not the way you want it. It doesn't work that way. You "wanting" a close relationship is unimportant. You wanting is unimportant. It will be whatever it will be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a combination of you being a bit of a bridezilla (or just an event-zilla) and your MIL being odd/having issues. Some of what you wrote makes me think there's also something going on like alcoholism or anxiety or just having a hard time adjusting -- not attending the 30th birthday party, and wanting her friend to be in the bridal suite, suggest she's having issues coping.

Also I think that you have too many expectations for what a MIL "should" do. Some of the stuff you listed is just not sharing a frame of reference -- why should she know that cancellations to venues are rare? If you're going to consult her on small planning details, then you need to be prepared for her to participate, and not be annoyed if she doesn't participate in the exact way you want. I think you should probably just stop consulting her on small issues. If you want to be inclusive, just update her every once and a while about big decisions you've made, and stop micromanaging her responses to you.

You're trying to prove something by involving her to the degree you are, and you're failing to understand her responses indicate that she's anxious about the wedding, and not interested/as clue-d in about planning as you are.

This is such good feedback. Thank you so much! We do suspect alcoholism and general anxiety/coping issues. FWIW, I agreed to have her friend in the bridal suite because I sensed that would make her more comfortable. I can definitely get micromanage-y at times and I think you're advise is spot-on; I'm trying to micromanage her responses.

Yes that's the vibe I'm getting - especially the "day drinking" comment. Okay, OP I have two things to say:
1) Your future MIL is probably hiding a lot of anxiety and possibly drinking issues. There's not a lot you can do about that other than, as you said, let her have her friend in the bridal suite. FWIW I remember that my wedding planning revealed the first sign that my mom had a drinking problem. We were thinking of not having alcohol and she freaked out on me and called me selfish and suggested that my future MIL would need a belt. The reality is that the wedding was scaring her and she was afraid to be without alcohol. Not saying that your future MIL has a drinking problem as much as I am saying that a lot of people have personal crippling anxiety and they do everything they can to hide it. Once you realize that is what may be going on, it makes it easier to understand.
2)You're are trying way too hard to be the ideal daughter-in-law and you're getting pissed off that she isn't acknowledging what a great DIL you are. You want her to be grateful that you're trying so hard to include her but she is dealing with her own problems and is not playing the role you want her to play. Take responsibility for your part in this and let her be who she is. I know she's odd but you're lucky that she's not in there trying to run everything! Take some deep breaths. Stop trying to make everyone play the perfect role and make you look perfect.

That said, I think you're great to want to include her. Good luck with wedding planning. It can be a source of great anxiety. Been there Done that. Have fun!

[Anonymous]

OP, congrats on the upcoming wedding!

I was once like you; I sought approval from my MiL and FiL. I tried to interpret their moves and to change my tone/approach/plans to please them. It did not change our relationship. It did not change the way my in-laws interacted with me. It DID drive me around the bend trying to read their minds and be overly solicitous.

Be yourself and plan the wedding that you want to have. Ask MiL if there are any details she would like to help plan. She may want nothing more than an invitation.

And learn now that, even if someone is family, it rarely suits to seek the approval of another person. Let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a combination of you being a bit of a bridezilla (or just an event-zilla) and your MIL being odd/having issues. Some of what you wrote makes me think there's also something going on like alcoholism or anxiety or just having a hard time adjusting -- not attending the 30th birthday party, and wanting her friend to be in the bridal suite, suggest she's having issues coping.

Also I think that you have too many expectations for what a MIL "should" do. Some of the stuff you listed is just not sharing a frame of reference -- why should she know that cancellations to venues are rare? If you're going to consult her on small planning details, then you need to be prepared for her to participate, and not be annoyed if she doesn't participate in the exact way you want. I think you should probably just stop consulting her on small issues. If you want to be inclusive, just update her every once and a while about big decisions you've made, and stop micromanaging her responses to you.

You're trying to prove something by involving her to the degree you are, and you're failing to understand her responses indicate that she's anxious about the wedding, and not interested/as clue-d in about planning as you are.

This is such good feedback. Thank you so much! We do suspect alcoholism and general anxiety/coping issues. FWIW, I agreed to have her friend in the bridal suite because I sensed that would make her more comfortable. I can definitely get micromanage-y at times and I think you're advise is spot-on; I'm trying to micromanage her responses.

You take criticism well, OP. Cheers.

[Anonymous]

OP I'll translate for you...

1) Asked fiance if he wanted to go to dinner to celebrate shortly after the engagement. When we arrived she commented that she was only expecting my fiance, not the two of us together.

Translation: She wanted to be able to share some observations about you privately with her son to make sure that he knows what he is getting into marrying you. She wanted to talk him out of it. She wanted to enjoy being with her child one last time before she was stuck with you always being there.

2) Made a comment in front of me along the lines of "Thank God I'm only on the hook for the rehearsal dinner."
Translation" She thinks you are spending far too much on the wedding and is glad that she doesn't need to pay for it. She may be concerned that you are not financially responsible. If you are from a wealthy family she may not approve of your background with frivolous or wasteful spending.

3) Made no effort to reach out to my parents

Translation: Why would this be necessary?
4) Completely uninterested in the wedding planning process or anything having to do with the wedding. When we went to the venue and told them we wanted a fall wedding, his mom asked the wedding coordinator if we could "bump up the date if another bride cancelled." Wedding coordinator had to explain that it doesn't work like that, and weddings are not typically cancelled.

Translation : She's pragmatic and only asking a question because you dragged her there. Its easier for other family to travel during the summer than the fall. She wants to know if its an option to bump it up if you get mad that some people can't come.

5) We try to include her in the process by sending her different vendors we are considering/have chosen and her responses are beyond bizarre. For example, we sent her a link to our videographer (that is award-winning and a total splurge for us) and she asked "What made you choose them?" We sent her a link to our photographer's website and her only remark was that the photographer "had bangs." I sent her a copy of the digital proof of our invitation (which she asked to see) to which she replied that she was surprised my fiance's middle name was on the invitation. When I showed her a picture of me in my dress she replied "oh, nice."

She doesn't understand why you keep trying to embroil her in this. The wedding is the bride's family responsibility not hers.
6) Asked if she should bring her own beer to my bridal shower (WTF? It was hosted by family, catered, and had alcohol)

[i]Translation: LOL this I is another dig that you are acting like a princess or tacky rich. [/i]

7) Had her friend approach me at my bridal shower and ask if she could get ready with us in the bridal suite. I was totally caught off guard since the request wasn't coming from my MIL herself, the bridal suite is catered and will cost additional $ per person, and MIL's friend would just ... sit there? while the rest of us get our hair and makeup done.

[i]Translation: Her friend wants a place to hang out. She didn't want to deal with you to ask.