Does anyone on this forum think nursing homes are horrific?

[Anonymous]

And are so sad that everyone is saving up for them? I get that in extreme medical cases it is required, but it seems so sad people are shoveled off to nursing homes with family so far away. I’m a first generation American, but I find this aspect of American culture different. Kids in other parts of the world do have their parents living with them at the end. They even die at home with their families around. I understand this may be too much for some people to handle given workloads and no one being home, but is this the only option?

[Anonymous]

No, but its the option for people who are working full time and raising kids. The same things that drive people to use daycare.

You can judge all you want, but I will tell you my inlaws are really happy at their place. They have tons of friends and still see plenty of their own kids.

[Anonymous]

It is when people need more care than their families can provide. If you have a parent with advanced dementia, do you have the ability to stay with them 24/7? No job to work, children to care for, etc.? If Putnam parent loses mobility and has to go into a wheelchair, can you afford to renovate your house to put in ramps, make all the doorways wheelchair width, and give the parent a first-floor bedroom and fully accessible bathroom?

[Anonymous]

They can be, but they also can be great -- both in terms of the actually place and the care that they can provide, above and beyond what could be provided in a home setting, even assuming someone like an adult son or daughter could provide full time case.

What requires people to be in a nursing home, e.g., severe dementia, can be horrific and quality of life for people in such a condition is limited. But that isn't the fault of the nursing home and a good nursing home can provide the best quality of life available under the circumstances.

[Anonymous]

I think it's common knowledge that most nursing homes in America are pretty horrific. There are some that are less so, but they tend to be expensive and/or have long waiting lists. I think assisted living arrangements with a nursing home available as needed is a much better option (but again an expensive one).

[Anonymous]

Ideally, it would be great if American society was set up to enable such an arrangement. It's not, unless one is wealthy.

Also? It's not our fault. It's great that your own family is able to take care of its elders at home. Most Americans are unable to do so, as much as we might want to.

[Anonymous]

Every one I have ever been is has been awful. But I don’t know that there are any other real options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every one I have ever been is has been awful. But I don’t know that there are any other real options.

Euthanasia

[Anonymous]

It depends on the home, but the majority of the ones are. My MIL is at a better one and its very bad. We tried our best to care at home but had to do a nursing home when needs got to great as we could not afford a caregiver and medicaid only pays for nursing homes, not caregivers. Constant unexplained bruises, food needs unmet, poor medical care - insist you use their doctors, not changed or showered regularly, over mediated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every one I have ever been is has been awful. But I don’t know that there are any other real options.

Euthanasia

I have to go this route, but I wish we had the option after seeing my MIL suffer the way she is. No one should have to live like she does nor should any of the other residents at the nursing home. People should have the option while they are of sound mind or someone should be appointed, if not.

[Anonymous]

People are also saving up for assisted living. Which is ore nursing home witj staff on site in case you need help.and yes it would be nice if all the parents could live with their children in old age. But you'd need bigger houses, have your own kids earlier etc. I find on average Americans are less close with their extended families than other cultures. Independence and self reliance is prized and parental help and "strings" and involvement in your life is eschewed. This is compounded by moving for school then for jobs etc.
one can't have everything. Staunch independence, being kicked out in your own at 18 or refusing any help or involvement when your 20 and 30 and "making it on your own" and then an about face and taking on elderly people who you may not even know that well anymore.
I'm not saying it's good or bad, just an observation.
I was born elsewhere and dh is from here. But we are close with both our families who are near by (and mine would have moved wherever I needed up buying a house and raising children). It's hard as everyone is in everyone's business. We spend a lot of time together. We have gotten monetary and childcare help over the years. And in turn provided help to care for illness, yardwork etc etc. Everyone is still young but it may come to us getting a bigger house one day and having one set move with us. We know this is a possibility.

[Anonymous]

Part of the problem is that, in modern times, people are much more likely to live longer with problems. People are living longer and longer with diseases like Parkinson's and Alzheimer's, meaning they need more years of care (more than a caregiver can give without burning out) and spend more time in the advanced stages of the disease (when they need the most care).

On top of that, people who have strokes and heart attacks and falls are less likely to die of them thanks to interventions in emergency medicine, surgery, and intensive care--instead, they live (often for years), but in a reduced state of health requiring care.

Also, people are less likely to die of infectious diseases, etc., further increasing their likelihood of reaching old age and dying a slow death from dementia and diminished abilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People are also saving up for assisted living. Which is ore nursing home witj staff on site in case you need help.and yes it would be nice if all the parents could live with their children in old age. But you'd need bigger houses, have your own kids earlier etc. I find on average Americans are less close with their extended families than other cultures. Independence and self reliance is prized and parental help and "strings" and involvement in your life is eschewed. This is compounded by moving for school then for jobs etc.
one can't have everything. Staunch independence, being kicked out in your own at 18 or refusing any help or involvement when your 20 and 30 and "making it on your own" and then an about face and taking on elderly people who you may not even know that well anymore.
I'm not saying it's good or bad, just an observation.
I was born elsewhere and dh is from here. But we are close with both our families who are near by (and mine would have moved wherever I needed up buying a house and raising children). It's hard as everyone is in everyone's business. We spend a lot of time together. We have gotten monetary and childcare help over the years. And in turn provided help to care for illness, yardwork etc etc. Everyone is still young but it may come to us getting a bigger house one day and having one set move with us. We know this is a possibility.

You don't NEED a bigger home. Many of us live in small homes and make it work. For me, the issue was getting help. I couldn't leave my MIL home alone and had young kids who had school, their own appointments, activities, etc. and it was a safety issue for her and for us. I also had my own health issues. We could not afford child care or adult care and we tried adult day cares and they were terrible. We never got child care or financial help over the years, you are lucky. There was absolutely no money around to do that. The only option for help was medicaid nursing home.

[Anonymous]

Or if you have parents or in laws in a different part of the country from where you live, and they want to stay near their friends and within their community, they go to a place that has different levels of care. Our parents are both in Assisted Living facilities in different parts of the country than where we live (one set in FL one set in CA and we live in the DMV). Both of their assisted living facilities have memory care units and nursing homes as part of them, if/when our parents/in laws need it.

Fortunately, both have money and can afford nice places. And, both choose to be there! We offered for them to move here, but they have their own friends and community and wanted to be there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And are so sad that everyone is saving up for them? I get that in extreme medical cases it is required, but it seems so sad people are shoveled off to nursing homes with family so far away. I’m a first generation American, but I find this aspect of American culture different. Kids in other parts of the world do have their parents living with them at the end. They even die at home with their families around. I understand this may be too much for some people to handle given workloads and no one being home, but is this the only option?

I have extended family in one of these cultures. All the work falls to the woman (usually daughter in law) of the family. It may be nice for the elderly but it doesn’t seem like you can carve out much space as a caregiver.