Does anyone on this forum think nursing homes are horrific?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m writing this at a bar, drinking a special drink that my dad loved, in honor of his life. He passed this past week. I want to say that hospice was wonderful. He had a cancer diagnosis, and at age 89, he announced he was done and begged for assisted suicide. After making it to my mom’s 80th birthday (they were married nearly 60 years!), my dad entered hospice and died at home on Wednesday. My mom was at his bedside with her hand on his cheek, and I was right next to him. It’s the best outcome I could have imagined, but there are no good outcomes.

I would like to extend my sympathy to you on your recent loss.

Cheers to your dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two words: Vinson Hall. If you are a military family, you have it made. The condos are relatively cheap (if you are old, but do not require much care), and the care in the care facility part is outstanding. It is a damn shame that such a small segment of the population is allowed this level of care.

My friend's MIL is there, and it is night and day compared to regular, very day type care facilities that you and I can afford. There are tons of different military retirement facilities, this is just one example.

They only take Officers and spouses, not Enlisted.

They should take enlisted. That seems really elitist to me. In fact, everyday man should have an option as good as this. If you are married to an officer, what is the reasoning? That "you suffered so much crap" you should be able to live there? And other people haven't suffered so much crap? Pulease.

Should and do are two different things. There are several facilities that will take officers and their families but not enlisted and their families. It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two words: Vinson Hall. If you are a military family, you have it made. The condos are relatively cheap (if you are old, but do not require much care), and the care in the care facility part is outstanding. It is a damn shame that such a small segment of the population is allowed this level of care.

My friend's MIL is there, and it is night and day compared to regular, very day type care facilities that you and I can afford. There are tons of different military retirement facilities, this is just one example.

Maybe I'm reading it wrong but it looks like the pricing is like $300 per day for the cheaper units there so about $9,000 per month. I'm not sure I would call that cheap.

You buy the condo you live in, presumably with proceeds from the sale of a house. Not that different than other non medicaid facilities, except you own (or your family owns) a condo, when you die. The next person on the list then buys your condo.

The nursing home refuses to show me the full bill but I believe medicaid pays about $12K, so private pay may be more. That doesn't include a lot of extras either. They bill medicaid for every little thing possible so they are easily getting $14-18K a month from medicaid PLUS my MIL social security which is $1000K a month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two words: Vinson Hall. If you are a military family, you have it made. The condos are relatively cheap (if you are old, but do not require much care), and the care in the care facility part is outstanding. It is a damn shame that such a small segment of the population is allowed this level of care.

My friend's MIL is there, and it is night and day compared to regular, very day type care facilities that you and I can afford. There are tons of different military retirement facilities, this is just one example.

Falcons Landing is also a fantastic military retirement community.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or if you have parents or in laws in a different part of the country from where you live, and they want to stay near their friends and within their community, they go to a place that has different levels of care. Our parents are both in Assisted Living facilities in different parts of the country than where we live (one set in FL one set in CA and we live in the DMV). Both of their assisted living facilities have memory care units and nursing homes as part of them, if/when our parents/in laws need it.

Fortunately, both have money and can afford nice places. And, both choose to be there! We offered for them to move here, but they have their own friends and community and wanted to be there.

My father is 94, and has been remarried for 20 years (he and my mother divorced years ago.) He has been suffering from dementia for over 10 years. Two years ago, he and his wife moved from Colorado to San Diego to be closer to his wife's children. My dad's wife is 80 and is not in the best of health. Her children finally convinced her that my dad would be better taken care of in a memory care home. When he first moved into the home, he needed help going to the bathroom. He couldn't get in and out of chairs by himself. When he was living at home, his wife let him sleep all day and she would never take him out because it was too difficult for her to get him into a car, she was afraid he would wander off, etc. 18 months after being in the home, he is more mobile and more alert. They staff does not let him sleep all day and has worked with him to get his strength back up. He has mental stimulation - just being around many other people instead of isolated with only his wife.

It breaks my heart to see my dad like this. I can't move my family out to San Diego so he can live with us. My dad's wife won't let him move across the country to live with us. She needs the support of her children, which is why they moved to San Diego. But even if they were still in Colorado, we would be dealing with the distance. Fortunately, my father has a very good retirement and saved money so he is in a top notch home. If my dad happens to outlive his wife, I do plan to move him here, but I would need to make modifications to my house in order for him to live with us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People also forget that the current generation of 80 and 90 yos did not have the knowledge about nutrition and exercise that we have today. How many 90 yo women did strength training when they were younger? It wasn't a thing so of course, they;re now filling up nursing homes.

I think that being healthy helps, but don’t count on it being enough to save you. More likely it means that you’ll be incapacitated later in life - so needing help during ages 90-95 rather than ages 80-85, or something like that. Some of my older relatives really did have fabulous fitness regiments in their youth, but it still didn’t save them from dementia in the end.

[Anonymous]

I’m from Eastern Europe. Yes, the norm is for elderly relatives to live out their days at home. However, the reality of that is not the idyllic picture you’re painting, of grandma in her cozy home surrounded by loving children and grandchildren. People still have to work and the reality is that grandma is most likely bedridden and spends her days laying alone in bed in her room watching tv. Most people cannot afford to hire help so she literally is alone until the end of the workday. Her kids come home, help her with bathing etc, a meal, and she’s alone again while everyone goes about their business - cooking, laundry, whatever needs to be done around the house. Grandchildren may swing by, but ultimately they are doing homework or texting or are out with their friends. And that’s the best case scenario for a middle class family. If the family relationship isn’t good, or the family is poor, grandma may be neglected and everyone is just waiting for her to die and stop being a burden.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m from Eastern Europe. Yes, the norm is for elderly relatives to live out their days at home. However, the reality of that is not the idyllic picture you’re painting, of grandma in her cozy home surrounded by loving children and grandchildren. People still have to work and the reality is that grandma is most likely bedridden and spends her days laying alone in bed in her room watching tv. Most people cannot afford to hire help so she literally is alone until the end of the workday. Her kids come home, help her with bathing etc, a meal, and she’s alone again while everyone goes about their business - cooking, laundry, whatever needs to be done around the house. Grandchildren may swing by, but ultimately they are doing homework or texting or are out with their friends. And that’s the best case scenario for a middle class family. If the family relationship isn’t good, or the family is poor, grandma may be neglected and everyone is just waiting for her to die and stop being a burden.

Also wanted to add, the “alone all day” part has been the cause of death for a few families I know. Elderly relative needs something in the middle of the day, no one is home, they attempt to get up and fall...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People also forget that the current generation of 80 and 90 yos did not have the knowledge about nutrition and exercise that we have today. How many 90 yo women did strength training when they were younger? It wasn't a thing so of course, they;re now filling up nursing homes.

It makes me laugh that you think you can control the future by exercising and eating healthy.

[Anonymous]

I do. My DH and I have immigrated from a culture that saw elderly living with their grownup kids or siblings and dying at home.

We have asked our kids to put us in a nursing home if we become old. However, our plan is to progressively go for more assistance and be ready to move to be closer to our children if that is their wish. It has to be a family decision of what works best.

However, I also do not want my life prolonged unnecessarily. I plan to be without intervention and don't want to lie paralysed in some place. I will shorten my life if euthanasia is not available. My DH feels the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People also forget that the current generation of 80 and 90 yos did not have the knowledge about nutrition and exercise that we have today. How many 90 yo women did strength training when they were younger? It wasn't a thing so of course, they;re now filling up nursing homes.

It makes me laugh that you think you can control the future by exercising and eating healthy.

No but more people have regretted not taking care of their bodies earlier in life and they end up with what would have been preventable diseases like diabetes and hypertension. And these have a snowball effect. Dementia as an example can be due to vascular changes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People also forget that the current generation of 80 and 90 yos did not have the knowledge about nutrition and exercise that we have today. How many 90 yo women did strength training when they were younger? It wasn't a thing so of course, they;re now filling up nursing homes.

It makes me laugh that you think you can control the future by exercising and eating healthy.

No but more people have regretted not taking care of their bodies earlier in life and they end up with what would have been preventable diseases like diabetes and hypertension. And these have a snowball effect. Dementia as an example can be due to vascular changes.

You can take care of yourself and still end up with diabetes and HBP. You can not control everything with diet. If you have a strong genetic predisposition for a disease you probably will one day develop it. But certainly you can enjoy a much higher quality of life now if you take care of yourself and stay healthy as long as you can.

You can pretty much plan on having something wrong with you when your elderly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am from a rural place. FWIW, family tends to do a lot more care there, when possible. It is also far easier/cheaper to hire day help. My aunt, who is a bit slow but reliable, took care of my grandma and now her job is taking care of other old people for $12 an hour. She loves to pamper them, cook meals, and isn’t afraid of the dirty work.

The rest of the family supplements her. My dad gives her half a beef (so like 300 lbs of grass fed Angus from his farm) per year and reroofed her house when it needed it. She has a large garden.

Many families take care of each other this way and I will care for my parents when they need it. My brother will probably care for dad, and I will get mom as they are divorced. I have already cared for her through several surgeries. It is just what families do. At some point, though, people require too much care to make it feasible. My grandfather had a stroke and there was no way to care for him at home. My grandmother died of cancer and we could staff her with assistance from churches and hospice finding people.

Your aunt apparently enjoys her role and seems to have a gift for caring for the elderly. But her life as the slow, sturdy, reliable one who devotes herself to caretaking in exchange for a side of beef each year would be hell on earth for other people who value a certain amount of freedom and autonomy. What might look good on paper is a nightmare IRL. Be careful what you agree to take on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People also forget that the current generation of 80 and 90 yos did not have the knowledge about nutrition and exercise that we have today. How many 90 yo women did strength training when they were younger? It wasn't a thing so of course, they;re now filling up nursing homes.

It makes me laugh that you think you can control the future by exercising and eating healthy.

No but more people have regretted not taking care of their bodies earlier in life and they end up with what would have been preventable diseases like diabetes and hypertension. And these have a snowball effect. Dementia as an example can be due to vascular changes.

You can take care of yourself and still end up with diabetes and HBP. You can not control everything with diet. If you have a strong genetic predisposition for a disease you probably will one day develop it. But certainly you can enjoy a much higher quality of life now if you take care of yourself and stay healthy as long as you can.

You can pretty much plan on having something wrong with you when your elderly.

Plan for compression of morbidity.

[Anonymous]

Some are horrible. Others are not. My sister actually lived a fuller life after moving to a nursing home. She wasn't so lonely and isolated anymore.

My mom, not so much. The cliques were terrible and she didn't fit in. The staff, however, was pretty great.