We've been dating for less than a year. Now he has a serious, life-altering illness.
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Anonymous
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My boyfriend and I are both 29 and we've been dating for almost a year, as of May. A while back, I would entertain the idea of moving in together when our respective leases were up in July, but we hadn't really talked about it and I wouldn't have said we were "there" yet in our relationship. But things have/had been going well, we've grown more serious, I do care for him a lot and it's been a long hard road to find each other.
But recently he's been hospitalized for severe symptoms of untreated Lyme disease, and it's so severe that he may be permanently disabled. I don't know much about the long term prognosis but it's possible that he may never be in the same physical shape again. I care about him and I'm by his side as he's going through this, but the main thing that brought us together was our love of hiking and mountain climbing and other outdoor activities - all kinds of things that it looks like he may never be able to do again. I'm in general a constantly physically active person, outside of work, and I've always felt that I need my life partner to share this with me. There are other things we enjoy doing together, sure, but this has been our main thing. I don't know how happy I would be to give up these kinds of activities, between having a sedentary office job and a boyfriend who may have limited functions. I really don't know what to do. On one hand, I care about him, and I know he would be devastated if I left him when he is sick, and there are other ways to enjoy life together, and for all I know a full recovery might be possible (though it doesn't sound good). Also, one's physical abilities will always eventually be limited, and sometimes sooner than we think.... ANYONE can get injured or get a serious illness like Lyme, or get cancer, or who knows what, and all life changes. But on the other hand, we aren't married and haven't invested anything together, we are still very young, and I do have my own life and happiness to think about and I've only been dating this person for a year. But it seems like a REALLY shitty thing to do to break up with someone for being sick, and I feel that I would be only hurting him even more. What would you do in this situation? What is the right thing to do? |
Anonymous
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you know that long term lyme is fake
https://www.skepticalraptor.com/skepticalraptorblog.php/chronic-lyme-disease-scientific-evidence-supporting/ |
Anonymous
| So don’t do the Shitty thing. Don’t be that person |
Anonymous
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This is an anonymous forum so I'm just going to say this: get out now.
- MD |
Anonymous
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I’m guessing you have said I love You..?
Love is more than showing up and doing activities together. It’s doing nice things for the other person, to show then that you love them. See love languages for ideas (note, I don’t care for the entirety of the love languages book, but I do appreciate the way it shows a variety of ways to express love). I don’t know what you are able to do with his status, but you could figure it out. |
Anonymous
Yep. Marriage is suppose to buy you a little insurance of "in sickness", you aren't married. |
Anonymous
| The right thing for both of you is to break up. Both of you deserve to be with someone who would be there in sickness and in health. You aren't that for each other. |
Anonymous
| anyone who has long term lyme is really mental illness save yourself the pain and anguish and get out now |
Anonymous
| It's ok to feel this way. I just don't think he's the one for you. |
Anonymous
| Considering your relationship isn’t serious enough to discuss moving in together, I think it would be ok to move on. I don’t know how to do it with kindness and compassion, so I might stick around for a bit until his condition stabilizes and think through how to preserve your future while being as little of an asshole as possible. |
Anonymous
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As somebody who has a chronic illness, i don’t think it’s shitty to out. Once you’re married you’ve committed and you do your best to make it work. But you’re not married!
my illness is a drag in our marriage. My husband is a really good sport about it and very committed to our marriage but it’s still really hard on both of us. I don’t just feel like a burden, I am one. It would have been one thing if we both knew what we were getting into but I wasn’t diagnosed until after we got married. What he loved about me was my independence and zest for life and poof, that’s gone. If I could go back and marry somebody who loved me most for other qualities, I would. Maybe. I totally love my husband. Another problem with tohr situation is that women are always expected to be caregivers. Don’t put this expectation on yourself. You are under zero obligation to your boyfriend and don’t take it on unless you really, really want to. |
Anonymous
| I suffer from Lyme disease, don't stay with him. |
Anonymous
| OP, you don't love him. Once he's out of the hospital, you need to end the relationship. Yes, he will still be sick and yes, you will look like a bitch for breaking up with him because he got sick, but in the long run it's best for everyone if you just rip off the bandaid instead of leading him on and letting him get more invested in you and this relationship, both generally and as a source of support during this time. |
Anonymous
+1 If the bond between you doesn't feel more profound than enjoyment of outdoor activities, you are not madly in love and he is not the one for you (especially since you're still in the honeymoon period of the relationship). I would gently transition to supporting him through his illness as a good friend rather than a girlfriend. It sounds like more of a friendship than a big romance any way. |
Anonymous
Such a reliable source. 
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