We've been dating for less than a year. Now he has a serious, life-altering illness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here and I agree with PPs to get out, or the PP that said give yourself 6 months etc.

One thought I haven't seen expressed yet is WHY long term marriages can often shoulder through tough times.

I've been married over 20 years and we've had some tough times. What goes on in the pre-marriage and early years of marriage is this foundation-building of good times and positive experiences.

These experiences are like money in the bank. They are reserves. Then the sh*t hits the fan, and one person needs a big withdrawal, or both people are hit (maybe by their teenage kid) and need the withdrawal, but the reserves are there.

I remember one time when I had infant/toddlers and used to reminisce about a trip we took to Greece. Thank goodness for that trip to Greece, so long ago, before we were married.

I could go on re when DH had job trouble and got depressed, when our teen's health issue stressed me out so much it became questionable who was more sick...

But over time, before all that, my DH and I had built up reserves. That reserve gives you the strength and loyalty to persevere, vs. feeling cheated and used and trapped.

Look at it this way: It's not about you as an individual being shitty or whatever; it's simply about the circumstances. You two have not built up your relationship reserve yet. Therefore, you will feel trapped. He may also feel trapped into being loyal to you. It's a situation not set up to succeed.

Not all relationships are fortunate enough to have early years of just good experiences. My marriage is good but it was forged in fire from early on, unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Op - you are entitled to a preference. You asking re: a "right" thing shows you do not understand this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you're no longer useful to a woman, she'll throw you under the bus in a heartbeat. You can never be weak or sick for even a minute, or she'll despise you and start thinking about how to get rid of you.

Guy here. Reader of the same forum and subscriber to that philosophy. Yep, that was my first thought when I saw this post. Demonstrates on the principle of that philosophy very clearly. Meanwhile, if the roles were reversed, most guys would stick by the girl no question.

Oh get real. Men are waaaay more likely to leave a partner if she gets sick.

“ When the man became ill, only 3 percent experienced the end of a marriage. But among women, about 21 percent ended up separated or divorced.”

https://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/11/12/men-more-likely-to-leave-spouse-with-cancer/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you're no longer useful to a woman, she'll throw you under the bus in a heartbeat. You can never be weak or sick for even a minute, or she'll despise you and start thinking about how to get rid of you.

Guy here. Reader of the same forum and subscriber to that philosophy. Yep, that was my first thought when I saw this post. Demonstrates on the principle of that philosophy very clearly. Meanwhile, if the roles were reversed, most guys would stick by the girl no question.

Actually, husbands of wives with chronic illness divorce them at a far higher rate than do wives of husbands with chronic illness.

https://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2009-11/fhcr-mls111009.php

Shhh, don't try to use actual facts with your pretty little feminine head.

Although, I wonder what "the same forum" is? I suppose MRAs/incels are coming here to troll us.

[Anonymous]

I developed a chronic autoimmune disorder as an adult. It has completely changed who I am and what I can do. I would say get out. I already hate that I can't do and do what I want to, I don't want to drag another person along with me.

I would feel guilty for you staying. It would change your life like it has mine and I don't want that on my shoulders.

Different to me than if you were in a marriage. You aren't. You are dating and with life circumstances what they are, you aren't compatible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you're no longer useful to a woman, she'll throw you under the bus in a heartbeat. You can never be weak or sick for even a minute, or she'll despise you and start thinking about how to get rid of you.

Guy here. Reader of the same forum and subscriber to that philosophy. Yep, that was my first thought when I saw this post. Demonstrates on the principle of that philosophy very clearly. Meanwhile, if the roles were reversed, most guys would stick by the girl no question.

Unless they can't have sex for an extended time then they split

[Anonymous]

Get out now. I’m married to someone with incurable chronic illness and if I didn’t have kids, I would have bailed a long time ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you know that long term lyme is fake

https://www.skepticalraptor.com/skepticalraptorblog.php/chronic-lyme-disease-scientific-evidence-supporting/

I agree with you about that but she says his Lyme was never treated and the question is long term prognosis regarding consequences he already has, I think that's different.

OP, I applaud your acknowledging the reality that disability can occur at any time (mountaineering accident, say). (Thought experiment--sounds like his illness is related to the love of outdoor activity just as much as a mountaineering injury might be. . . . would you feel differently if he was in the hospital because of a lightning strike on the mountain or a bad fall or a tree falling on him or a bear attack?).

I'd say give it some time. At some point, if you want to stay with him and become invested, I think you will know that.

[Anonymous]

Stay with him until he feels better and then break up slowly. Don't add one shock to another, that's cruel.

[Anonymous]

Honestly even if he completely recovers I think you should leave. I don't think you are that into him if you are thinking of leaving him for this. After a year at age 29 you weren't sure about getting engaged or moving in, so that says something particularly coupled with the above.

As for tuning, having had two guys break up with me RIGHT before final exams - I disagree that there is no good timing. I do think break ups should be delayed in certain circumstances for a week or several weeks or maybe even a month or so. Don't know enough about the details to comment.

I have chronic pain. It's important to me that I marry someone who is ok with that. Some people are and some people aren't. Sounds like you aren't, or maybe you just don't like the guy enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you're no longer useful to a woman, she'll throw you under the bus in a heartbeat. You can never be weak or sick for even a minute, or she'll despise you and start thinking about how to get rid of you.

Guy here. Reader of the same forum and subscriber to that philosophy. Yep, that was my first thought when I saw this post. Demonstrates on the principle of that philosophy very clearly. Meanwhile, if the roles were reversed, most guys would stick by the girl no question.

Unless they can't have sex for an extended time then they split

At least we can count on men to always stay with us if we get fat.

Oh wait...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I developed a chronic autoimmune disorder as an adult. It has completely changed who I am and what I can do. I would say get out. I already hate that I can't do and do what I want to, I don't want to drag another person along with me.

I would feel guilty for you staying. It would change your life like it has mine and I don't want that on my shoulders.

Different to me than if you were in a marriage. You aren't. You are dating and with life circumstances what they are, you aren't compatible.

This is me. Developed 3 autoimmune diseases and have a strong family history of cancer and aneurisms. Absolutely changed me. DH was the one diagnosed with cancer though. It absolutely requires bravery and intense love. I can’t imagine doing this if we were just dating or married “roommates”.

[Anonymous]

Medical issues are basically the same as money issues. Don’t marry until everything is resolved, or else you are on the hook for everything the partner is tied to. You are 29, move on. The boyfriend needs time to heal before he can focus on the relationship. My brother had Lyme disease. It took years to figure out what was causing his health problems.

[Anonymous]

Honestly?

You're 29, you're not married, you don't sound like you're in love with him.

Do yourself a favor and fade out now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Medical issues are basically the same as money issues. Don’t marry until everything is resolved, or else you are on the hook for everything the partner is tied to. You are 29, move on. The boyfriend needs time to heal before he can focus on the relationship. My brother had Lyme disease. It took years to figure out what was causing his health problems.

Did he recover?