We've been dating for less than a year. Now he has a serious, life-altering illness.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think that “care” for another person is reason enough to treat a 12-month relationship like a marrriage. You have a right to end a dating relationship without being a horrible person. You are your biggest advocate and long term if uiu know uou cant do this, you both deserve better. Be honest with him, and be a friend that is still there for him. You don’t have to be a 28-yo martyr. You also don’t have to break up in an asshole way. Support him, but tell him you want to open the relationship. Be honest.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, this is so tough. First, it is possible that he can heal pretty well from Lyme but he really needs to be treated by an LLMD-google DC Lyme Clinic and a world famous one will show up-his treatment has worked for our family.

If he only gets a few months of treatment, it will not work. It takes several years and that doesn't necessarily mean taking antibiotics daily. However, it can also be several years before he's doing well enough to participate fully in life functions. That is the hard part for you. I have a family member who I'd hate to see broken up with over this god-awful set of diseases but you have to do you. Hopefully you could remain a good, supportive friend if it isn't in the cards to continue romantically.

Honestly, even if you decide to break up, you obviously care deeply about him so I would suggest helping him make sure he's getting the sufficient treatment, which unfortunately for his case means it's not via CDC/old ISDA recommendations because he undoubtedly has multiple tick infections at this point.

JHU is not normally recommended for late stage Lyme but there is a researcher there who just published this http://www.discoverymedicine.com/Jie-Feng/2019/03/persister-biofilm-microcolony-borrelia-burgdorferi-causes-severe-lyme-arthritis-in-mouse-model/

so perhaps he could fight for that treatment if he goes there but he will likely need treatment with other drugs for the co-infections.

Also he is immune suppressed so he shouldn't be given steroids unless his life is in imminent danger (typically not with these infections despite the dire situation he's currently in).

Finally, there may be days when he can get out in a wheelchair but you'd have to be willing to push if manual. Things like hiking are unlikely but things like weightlifting, sweating it out in the sauna etc are beneficial for him and you both could do. It will be daunting as most patients get even worse when treatment starts and that can last 1-2 years or more. Just trying to give you a sense of how it could be although it sounds like you may already have an idea of this. Mental illness caused by inflammation and brain level infection is also very typical but can usually be treated successfully once healing is established.

Good luck to him and you.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would give it some time to play out, unless you are running out of time on the biological clock or have some other time pressure.

[Anonymous]

I’m not sensing that you are in love with him. If you were, I would feel it in your post, and you wouldn’t really be thinking about the inability to hike or mountain bike, ya know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sensing that you are in love with him. If you were, I would feel it in your post, and you wouldn’t really be thinking about the inability to hike or mountain bike, ya know?

Even if she only feels like his friend, this is a crappy juncture to break up with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is an anonymous forum so I'm just going to say this: get out now.

- MD

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would give it some time to play out, unless you are running out of time on the biological clock or have some other time pressure.

This.

I would hang in there and support him through this crisis stage (which won't last) and just plan not to make any decisions for 6 months (or 3 months or a year or whatever time frame seems appropriate to you). You don't have to decide the rest of your life right now and you don't know what life will look like for him yet. You will also learn a great deal about each other through this process and that will inform how you both feel and what you want.

Take the pressure off the lifelong decisions for the time being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As somebody who has a chronic illness, i don’t think it’s shitty to out. Once you’re married you’ve committed and you do your best to make it work. But you’re not married!

my illness is a drag in our marriage. My husband is a really good sport about it and very committed to our marriage but it’s still really hard on both of us. I don’t just feel like a burden, I am one. It would have been one thing if we both knew what we were getting into but I wasn’t diagnosed until after we got married. What he loved about me was my independence and zest for life and poof, that’s gone. If I could go back and marry somebody who loved me most for other qualities, I would. Maybe. I totally love my husband.

Another problem with tohr situation is that women are always expected to be caregivers. Don’t put this expectation on yourself. You are under zero obligation to your boyfriend and don’t take it on unless you really, really want to.

+1

My husband is disabled so I am on the other side of this. Would I marry him again? No. That is the bald faced truth.

[Anonymous]

Whenever I read this stuff, I feel so sad - mostly for the boyfriend who's sick, but also for you. Something to consider:

My sister was dating a guy who fell ill 6 months into their relationship. He almost died several times and was in the hospital longer than their relationship up until that point. No one truly expected him to get better. He did. After he came home from an 8 month hospital stay, they moved in together. Eventually they got engaged. They got married, and 5 months after they had their second kid, on their 7th wedding anniversary, he came home and cried. Saying he never loved her, but felt obligated to marry her since she stuck by his side when he was so sick. It's been almost a decade and several sad years since, and my sister is happily re-married. But food for thought...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whenever I read this stuff, I feel so sad - mostly for the boyfriend who's sick, but also for you. Something to consider:

My sister was dating a guy who fell ill 6 months into their relationship. He almost died several times and was in the hospital longer than their relationship up until that point. No one truly expected him to get better. He did. After he came home from an 8 month hospital stay, they moved in together. Eventually they got engaged. They got married, and 5 months after they had their second kid, on their 7th wedding anniversary, he came home and cried. Saying he never loved her, but felt obligated to marry her since she stuck by his side when he was so sick. It's been almost a decade and several sad years since, and my sister is happily re-married. But food for thought...

OMG that's awful!

[Anonymous]

You sure have been thinking about yourself a lot during your boyfriend’s medical crisis.

You’re under no obligation to stick around, but before you run too quickly be aware that no one who knows the two of you will forget it if you leave at his lowest point. At least take a stab at appearing like a decent person and wait until he is back on his feet.

[Anonymous]

I'd break up.

I got a divorce because my husband became lazy and fat after marriage. We were an active couple pre-marriage... taking trips, hiking, rafting/canoeing, biking, or just taking long walks around and exploring a new area.

Post-marriage, all he wanted to do was relax after work and watch TV. He was fine if I went and did all those things without it, and I did at first, and then it got to the point where we were just living separate lives. I'd be out with my friends, he'd be either at home or at a bar with his friends, and we'd see each other for a few hours each night and weekend and that was it. I had zero desire to veg on the couch and he had zero desire to do anything that required too much movement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whenever I read this stuff, I feel so sad - mostly for the boyfriend who's sick, but also for you. Something to consider:

My sister was dating a guy who fell ill 6 months into their relationship. He almost died several times and was in the hospital longer than their relationship up until that point. No one truly expected him to get better. He did. After he came home from an 8 month hospital stay, they moved in together. Eventually they got engaged. They got married, and 5 months after they had their second kid, on their 7th wedding anniversary, he came home and cried. Saying he never loved her, but felt obligated to marry her since she stuck by his side when he was so sick. It's been almost a decade and several sad years since, and my sister is happily re-married. But food for thought...

I’m the PP that emphasized having an honest discussion. The scenario above is an example why two people who are serious just need to have the difficult conversation and put it all on the table. You and your boyfriend can talk about this in a mutually supportive way. I’m not sure the most appropriate time to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would give it some time to play out, unless you are running out of time on the biological clock or have some other time pressure.

This.

I would hang in there and support him through this crisis stage (which won't last) and just plan not to make any decisions for 6 months (or 3 months or a year or whatever time frame seems appropriate to you). You don't have to decide the rest of your life right now and you don't know what life will look like for him yet. You will also learn a great deal about each other through this process and that will inform how you both feel and what you want.

Take the pressure off the lifelong decisions for the time being.

This is good advice too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would give it some time to play out, unless you are running out of time on the biological clock or have some other time pressure.

This.

I would hang in there and support him through this crisis stage (which won't last) and just plan not to make any decisions for 6 months (or 3 months or a year or whatever time frame seems appropriate to you). You don't have to decide the rest of your life right now and you don't know what life will look like for him yet. You will also learn a great deal about each other through this process and that will inform how you both feel and what you want.

Take the pressure off the lifelong decisions for the time being.

+1 - I think this is the best advice you've received.