Stepdaughter, ex and new baby

[Anonymous]

My DH has two children from a previous relationship. I'm currently 36 weeks pregnant with a little girl my step daughter really wants to be there for her sister's birth. We had twin boys 16 months ago that she loves and is really excited to have a little sister. Problem is I'm scheduled for a Saturday when she's with her mom . Her mom is refusing to let her go on the grounds it's her day and it's not really her sister, and she doesn't think it's appropriate for a 15 year old. Mom hates me for "stealing her man and kids" even though she had left them years before I met my husband. She has gone out of her way to make things difficult.

I don't have much hope we can change her mind
But I'm hoping you can help me with ideas to make my stepdaughter feel part of the day her sister is born. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

If you’re “scheduled,” then that means you’re having a c-section. There’s no way in hell a 15 year old will be in the operating room when this baby is born.

[Anonymous]

Any possibility to change the scheduled day?

Facetiming meeting the baby?

That is really too bad if the mom wants to cut her off from that joy and feeling like part of this major family event. At 15 shouldn't the child have at least some autonomy?? Is this the first major head butting or are there other times where lawyers or caseworkers were involved (that you could call on again).

Do you think the mom is doing this to hurt you and dh or to hurt dd??

[Anonymous]

21:10 adding ideas of taking dd15 shopping and picking a blanket or hat for the baby's first day and get getting pictures or video of the baby using it, also finding the next big event and making her part of it (taking baby home, first doctor appt).

[Anonymous]

She wouldn't be in the delivery room. She just wants to be there. See her first after the birth., And hold her etc.. pp, I'm sure ex is doing it to hurt me and DH and her daughter as proxy.

[Anonymous]

What doctor schedules a c-section on a Saturday?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She wouldn't be in the delivery room. She just wants to be there. See her first after the birth., And hold her etc.. pp, I'm sure ex is doing it to hurt me and DH and her daughter as proxy.

Oh, stop it. It takes two to engage in the drama dance. BioMom isn’t obliged to give up her time. And you are making it worse by buying into the idea that she is missing something important by not being there. Instead, you can teach her an important lesson that we can share in other people’s joy even if we can’t be there. Figure out another way to be involved. I like the first outfit idea. You could also record her voice reading a book or singing a lullaby for whenever she’s not there. Have her take a babysitting class and learn first aid, diapering etc if she hasn’t already done so. She’s 15, so she probably has her own phone, so text her pics.

When a biomom wants to spend her time with her kid, it is self-centered of you to think of that as “hurting” you. You chose to marry a man with kids and be a stepmom. There will be hundreds of things your step-daughter will miss with your own children. That is the life you chose. Figure out how to deal with it with some grace.

[Anonymous]

Have your DH handle this with his ex ... I'm sure he can get her to come around and see the importance of this family event to their daughter. Let you DH handle this, stay out of it. Good luck and congratulations!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She wouldn't be in the delivery room. She just wants to be there. See her first after the birth., And hold her etc.. pp, I'm sure ex is doing it to hurt me and DH and her daughter as proxy.

Oh, stop it. It takes two to engage in the drama dance. BioMom isn’t obliged to give up her time. And you are making it worse by buying into the idea that she is missing something important by not being there. Instead, you can teach her an important lesson that we can share in other people’s joy even if we can’t be there. Figure out another way to be involved. I like the first outfit idea. You could also record her voice reading a book or singing a lullaby for whenever she’s not there. Have her take a babysitting class and learn first aid, diapering etc if she hasn’t already done so. She’s 15, so she probably has her own phone, so text her pics.

When a biomom wants to spend her time with her kid, it is self-centered of you to think of that as “hurting” you. You chose to marry a man with kids and be a stepmom. There will be hundreds of things your step-daughter will miss with your own children. That is the life you chose. Figure out how to deal with it with some grace.

Signed ... an angry ex-wife who is jealous of her ex-husband's life and wants to ruin their daughter's life just because she can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She wouldn't be in the delivery room. She just wants to be there. See her first after the birth., And hold her etc.. pp, I'm sure ex is doing it to hurt me and DH and her daughter as proxy.

Oh, stop it. It takes two to engage in the drama dance. BioMom isn’t obliged to give up her time. And you are making it worse by buying into the idea that she is missing something important by not being there. Instead, you can teach her an important lesson that we can share in other people’s joy even if we can’t be there. Figure out another way to be involved. I like the first outfit idea. You could also record her voice reading a book or singing a lullaby for whenever she’s not there. Have her take a babysitting class and learn first aid, diapering etc if she hasn’t already done so. She’s 15, so she probably has her own phone, so text her pics.

When a biomom wants to spend her time with her kid, it is self-centered of you to think of that as “hurting” you. You chose to marry a man with kids and be a stepmom. There will be hundreds of things your step-daughter will miss with your own children. That is the life you chose. Figure out how to deal with it with some grace.

Signed ... an angry ex-wife who is jealous of her ex-husband's life and wants to ruin their daughter's life just because she can.

No. No one is “ruining” DDs life in this situation. Not being present at birth =/= ruined life. That’s crazy.

[Anonymous]

Kids don't need to be present. Read your post. It is more about your wishes and needs than hers. If you have custody, offer mom more time and make it worth her while.

[Anonymous]

Bio mom wins. This is her kid that she birthed 15 years ago.

Let it go.

[Anonymous]

This stuff comes with the blended family. Ex wife has absolutely no obligation to you or your fetus. Maybe she has something going on that day. Maybe her world doesn't revolve around you. Maybe she's upset her ex is having more kids. Maybe your DH refused a favor for her, and she's retaliating. Maybe your step daughter really doesn't want to be there and her mom is covering for her.

There are a million reasons this could be happening, and you've chosen to believe that the big bad ex wife is purposely trying to steal your attention and ruin your family's big day. Why? Have you considered maybe this has nothing to do with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She wouldn't be in the delivery room. She just wants to be there. See her first after the birth., And hold her etc.. pp, I'm sure ex is doing it to hurt me and DH and her daughter as proxy.

Oh, stop it. It takes two to engage in the drama dance. BioMom isn’t obliged to give up her time. And you are making it worse by buying into the idea that she is missing something important by not being there. Instead, you can teach her an important lesson that we can share in other people’s joy even if we can’t be there. Figure out another way to be involved. I like the first outfit idea. You could also record her voice reading a book or singing a lullaby for whenever she’s not there. Have her take a babysitting class and learn first aid, diapering etc if she hasn’t already done so. She’s 15, so she probably has her own phone, so text her pics.

When a biomom wants to spend her time with her kid, it is self-centered of you to think of that as “hurting” you. You chose to marry a man with kids and be a stepmom. There will be hundreds of things your step-daughter will miss with your own children. That is the life you chose. Figure out how to deal with it with some grace.

Signed ... an angry ex-wife who is jealous of her ex-husband's life and wants to ruin their daughter's life just because she can.

No. No one is “ruining” DDs life in this situation. Not being present at birth =/= ruined life. That’s crazy.

DD WANTS to be there. It would be different if dad or stepmom were insisting, but they’re attempting to advocate on behalf of the daughter. Bio mom is absolutely being petty and spiteful.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the people who are telling you to get your head out of your ass. There are many ways that your stepdaughter can celebrate the birth of her new sibling, and her involvement in this baby's life isn't about one day. Don't make this into a big thing when it doesn't have to be. Send photos, have her pick out an outfit, let her hold the baby a lot when she's home.

Her mother doesn't want to give up her time with her daughter. That is not unreasonable.