Stepdaughter, ex and new baby

[Anonymous]

Both of you need to grow up and let 15yo decide. Split the day. Have bio mom bring DD for visit st hospital, or pay for an uber there. DD is old enough to have input, and all parents are old enough to not act like petty children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I bet the mom is resentful that exDH is having yet another child. Before this birth she had 2 and you had 2 - now you’re going to have 3. That means most of dad’s resources is going to go to your children. That has to sting.

Parents switch weekends all the time. It shouldn’t make any difference if SD has more time with mom before the birth, and more time with dad after. Total time with each parent stays the same. That the bio mom doesn’t want to switch means there’s something else going on.

Also - don’t try to delay or reschedule your c-section—waiting too long has its risks, as does bringing a baby out too soon. Don’t do it!

She could have stayed with Dad and had more kid or gotten remarried and had more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She wouldn't be in the delivery room. She just wants to be there. See her first after the birth., And hold her etc.. pp, I'm sure ex is doing it to hurt me and DH and her daughter as proxy.

Oh, stop it. It takes two to engage in the drama dance. BioMom isn’t obliged to give up her time. And you are making it worse by buying into the idea that she is missing something important by not being there. Instead, you can teach her an important lesson that we can share in other people’s joy even if we can’t be there. Figure out another way to be involved. I like the first outfit idea. You could also record her voice reading a book or singing a lullaby for whenever she’s not there. Have her take a babysitting class and learn first aid, diapering etc if she hasn’t already done so. She’s 15, so she probably has her own phone, so text her pics.

When a biomom wants to spend her time with her kid, it is self-centered of you to think of that as “hurting” you. You chose to marry a man with kids and be a stepmom. There will be hundreds of things your step-daughter will miss with your own children. That is the life you chose. Figure out how to deal with it with some grace.

No, you stop it. If the biomom had a heart, she'd happily at least exchange days. My ex and his wife had their second and I am happily (at least outwardly) letting my kids go visit him and their new sibling for spring break -- missing a milestone birthday. It doesn't make me happy, but that doesn't matter. BioMom in this situation is at most giving up a day. She should stop being a selfish jerk and let her daughter enjoy her new sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She wouldn't be in the delivery room. She just wants to be there. See her first after the birth., And hold her etc.. pp, I'm sure ex is doing it to hurt me and DH and her daughter as proxy.

Oh, stop it. It takes two to engage in the drama dance. BioMom isn’t obliged to give up her time. And you are making it worse by buying into the idea that she is missing something important by not being there. Instead, you can teach her an important lesson that we can share in other people’s joy even if we can’t be there. Figure out another way to be involved. I like the first outfit idea. You could also record her voice reading a book or singing a lullaby for whenever she’s not there. Have her take a babysitting class and learn first aid, diapering etc if she hasn’t already done so. She’s 15, so she probably has her own phone, so text her pics.

When a biomom wants to spend her time with her kid, it is self-centered of you to think of that as “hurting” you. You chose to marry a man with kids and be a stepmom. There will be hundreds of things your step-daughter will miss with your own children. That is the life you chose. Figure out how to deal with it with some grace.

No, you stop it. If the biomom had a heart, she'd happily at least exchange days. My ex and his wife had their second and I am happily (at least outwardly) letting my kids go visit him and their new sibling for spring break -- missing a milestone birthday. It doesn't make me happy, but that doesn't matter. BioMom in this situation is at most giving up a day. She should stop being a selfish jerk and let her daughter enjoy her new sibling.

The kid can wait till after the child is born. It doesn't make sense for her to be at the hospital in less stepmom and dad want her as a babysitter to the other kids. I'm as stepmom and I wouldn't want any kids there, mine or my husband's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you and your DH need to be the adults in the room. For whatever reason, DH's ex is not going to relinquish the scheduled c-section date. Your DH should plan something special for her, you and the other kids on the first day that DD can come to you. Maybe you can plan in advance to have the newborn photo sessions with DD, baby and the other kids at that time, and let DD be the one to select the photo and help with the announcements?

That is a great idea!

[Anonymous]

There are many people (Grandparents) who would love to be there at the birth of a child. There are also many teens who don't attend siblings births.

Sure it would be great if bio mom would let her attend but since you can't control biomom and you have said she won't allow it, then focus your energies instead on what you can do rather than on hating biomom.

It is disappointing for her but it is what it is. Do other special things, create other memories.

[Anonymous]

If you're having a c section, you'll need to stay at least 3-4 days. She comes to help you dress baby sis and bring her home. She'll miss a day of school BONUS!

15 year old girls love to hold babies! And puppies and kittens! It's their thing and she should be a part of going home, as a family. Sitting in back seat talking selfies with her new sister. Lotta awwws, hearts and likes on Instagram.

[Anonymous]

Let it go
At 15 you are supposed to have other interests. A step mom doesn't have to be a center of attention all the time
Whatever happens, do not ever treat her as your part time babysitter. She is the sibling, you are the parent.
I have personal experience and have heard from others, it can be stressful to have to play teen Mom to someone else's baby

[Anonymous]

Given that my cousin nearly died on the table during her ceasarean, there is no way I would let my kids be at the hospital.

[Anonymous]

My son is 10 and no way would I allow him at the birth. Just isn't appropriate and of something happens to me I have to worry about him freaking out too.

[Anonymous]

What did you offer the mom to change days? Did you expect her to just give up her day with her daughter, or did you offer to exchange days or extend another visit?

In the meantime, do not make a big deal of this, and express your sadness and disappointment that the stepdaughter is missing this one day. Instead, tell her how much you are looking forward to her meeting the baby. Honestly, I wouldn't have my kid at the hospital on the day of the scheduled birth anyway--stuff can go wrong, things can take longer than expected, etc. Let her spend time with her mom while you're in surgery and recovering. Have her come the next day.

[Anonymous]

I think it sounds petty and vindictive on bio mom's part, and she's going to permanently damage her relationship with her DD if she doesn't permit her to be present for an important milestone.

I realize that there all kinds of feelings, maybe a backstory here- but bio mom needs to see that relationships with kids continue (or not) into adulthood. I choose to spend very little time around my divorced parents, and it's directly caused by how they treated me as a child and teen. Kids don't forget this stuff.

What I would do OP is try to be conciliatory with bio mom- day exchange, nice message, or find a way for DD to participate as others have suggested- Skype, maybe bio mom could drop DD at the hospital for an hour, etc.

Keeping DDs interests in the forefront is what is important. Bio mom isn't making a good choice, and is probably acting out of hurt and anger and may not be thinking "big picture," but it's in DD's interests to have a good relationship with her mother long term. It hurts *a lot* to have a bad relationship with my mother, especially as we both get older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like people are missing the key components of the OP:

Her mom is refusing to let her go on the grounds it's her day and it's not really her sister

First, of course it's her sister, and the biomom's statement reveals all you need to know about her. Second, if a 15 yo wants to go be at the hospital for the birth of her sister, a refusal because "it's my day" is just petty and meanspirited.

Biomom is apparently ignoring what her daughter wants. That's the big thing for me.

Dh could offer to trade for the weekend before. Otherwise, find a way to involve her. Facetime etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it sounds petty and vindictive on bio mom's part, and she's going to permanently damage her relationship with her DD if she doesn't permit her to be present for an important milestone.

I realize that there all kinds of feelings, maybe a backstory here- but bio mom needs to see that relationships with kids continue (or not) into adulthood. I choose to spend very little time around my divorced parents, and it's directly caused by how they treated me as a child and teen. Kids don't forget this stuff.

What I would do OP is try to be conciliatory with bio mom- day exchange, nice message, or find a way for DD to participate as others have suggested- Skype, maybe bio mom could drop DD at the hospital for an hour, etc.

Keeping DDs interests in the forefront is what is important. Bio mom isn't making a good choice, and is probably acting out of hurt and anger and may not be thinking "big picture," but it's in DD's interests to have a good relationship with her mother long term. It hurts *a lot* to have a bad relationship with my mother, especially as we both get older.

This could have been written by my stepdaughters. Bio mom did severe damage to her relationship with her daughters by acting out of anger towards my husband and using them as pawns. My stepdaughters are now 20 & 21 and rarely even speak to their bio mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What did you offer the mom to change days? Did you expect her to just give up her day with her daughter, or did you offer to exchange days or extend another visit?

In the meantime, do not make a big deal of this, and express your sadness and disappointment that the stepdaughter is missing this one day. Instead, tell her how much you are looking forward to her meeting the baby. Honestly, I wouldn't have my kid at the hospital on the day of the scheduled birth anyway--stuff can go wrong, things can take longer than expected, etc. Let her spend time with her mom while you're in surgery and recovering. Have her come the next day.

It's interesting to me how many on this thread jump to BioMom is bad, when really we know nothing of the history of visitation, custody schedule, how the idea was broached (by making promises to DD before checking with BioMom?), whether it's really true that SD wants to be present at the birth or is just saying that because it is evident that SM really wants her to (because we only know SM's description of how exit her SD is), where Dad is in this process, what other obligations SD has in terms of school, etc.

I also think it's interesting how many have assumed that being present at the birth is the "right" thing -- when it's really clear from a few posters like above that some people have a different view of whether having kids at the hospital on the day of birth is really a healthy thing for all involved, and that there are many ways to involve SD without having her present in the hospital at or shortly after birth.

For me, this really represents the way ex-wives are demonized in our culture on a lot of different levels -- mostly either as asexual, money-grubbing, control freaks or lazy, bad-mother sluts neither of whom can stand to let go of the ex-husbands they divorce so they spend their time making trouble for family #2. (I find the later an amusing way men of our culture just can't hear "no" -- even in divorce we are still perceived as wanting them enough to live our life in a way that is expressly designed to make trouble for them.)