Stepdaughter, ex and new baby

[Anonymous]

OP, I think it's lovely that you want to include SD in this family event. Don't listen to these bitter harpies! DCUM is automatically anti-stepmom, no matter what you do.

[Anonymous]

It really is a no win situation as a step parent. If you try to include your step daughter, you receive the responses on this thread. If you chose not to include her, you would receive the same responses on this thread. There is so much bitterness and anger towards step mothers in particular on this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like people are missing the key components of the OP:

Her mom is refusing to let her go on the grounds it's her day and it's not really her sister

First, of course it's her sister, and the biomom's statement reveals all you need to know about her. Second, if a 15 yo wants to go be at the hospital for the birth of her sister, a refusal because "it's my day" is just petty and meanspirited.

BioMom here. While I don’t know OP’s situation, I will say in my own situation I am often put in the position of having to give up my time with my child. Over time, with many of these requests for events that I deem non-urgent and with little or no lead time, I came to understand that my continued acquiescence was only perpetuating inappropriate expectations and undermining my own relationship with my child. Now when I say no to these requests, it usually means I think it was something that could have been planned on Ex’s time, it was inappropriate or the same ends could be achieved by different means on Ex’s time, or I had something already planned with other froends or family members or BioDad hadn’t been using the time he had appropriately (like asking to switch for a reason that he had lied about or asking to switch and then leaving child home alone)..

IMO, I came to see these requests as part of the emotional labor that women are asked to do for men - to give up their own interests and put the man’s first. My daughter has an interest in having a strong relationship with me, as well as her father. That is why it is very rare that I give up my time anymore. My DD’s relationship with maternal BioGrandparents and Uncles, Aunts and Cousins are as important as paternal family, whether bio or step paternal. It is BioDad’s responsibility to build his relationship between his 2nd family and DD on his own time.

Your selfishness is astounding.. The problem with you and the ex in Op's situation is that you don't consider your children in all this and what they may desire.

No, actually, as I said, and therapist agrees, it is equally important to child to have time with both parents on a stable schedule with minimal changes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It really is a no win situation as a step parent. If you try to include your step daughter, you receive the responses on this thread. If you chose not to include her, you would receive the same responses on this thread. There is so much bitterness and anger towards step mothers in particular on this thread.

the problem is not trying to include her in the birth, the problem is focusing on the one way of doing that that requires a custody adjustment and accusing mom ssying no of being a bad mom who is out to spite SM, DH and DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like people are missing the key components of the OP:

Her mom is refusing to let her go on the grounds it's her day and it's not really her sister

First, of course it's her sister, and the biomom's statement reveals all you need to know about her. Second, if a 15 yo wants to go be at the hospital for the birth of her sister, a refusal because "it's my day" is just petty and meanspirited.

BioMom here. While I don’t know OP’s situation, I will say in my own situation I am often put in the position of having to give up my time with my child. Over time, with many of these requests for events that I deem non-urgent and with little or no lead time, I came to understand that my continued acquiescence was only perpetuating inappropriate expectations and undermining my own relationship with my child. Now when I say no to these requests, it usually means I think it was something that could have been planned on Ex’s time, it was inappropriate or the same ends could be achieved by different means on Ex’s time, or I had something already planned with other froends or family members or BioDad hadn’t been using the time he had appropriately (like asking to switch for a reason that he had lied about or asking to switch and then leaving child home alone)..

IMO, I came to see these requests as part of the emotional labor that women are asked to do for men - to give up their own interests and put the man’s first. My daughter has an interest in having a strong relationship with me, as well as her father. That is why it is very rare that I give up my time anymore. My DD’s relationship with maternal BioGrandparents and Uncles, Aunts and Cousins are as important as paternal family, whether bio or step paternal. It is BioDad’s responsibility to build his relationship between his 2nd family and DD on his own time.

Your selfishness is astounding.. The problem with you and the ex in Op's situation is that you don't consider your children in all this and what they may desire.

No, actually, as I said, and therapist agrees, it is equally important to child to have time with both parents on a stable schedule with minimal changes.

Minimal changes would likely apply to the case of getting a new sibling and the child wanting to be there to participate with her family, right? It’s kind of a big day, not just for “BioDad” and Stepmother... it’s a big day for the child in question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It really is a no win situation as a step parent. If you try to include your step daughter, you receive the responses on this thread. If you chose not to include her, you would receive the same responses on this thread. There is so much bitterness and anger towards step mothers in particular on this thread.

the problem is not trying to include her in the birth, the problem is focusing on the one way of doing that that requires a custody adjustment and accusing mom ssying no of being a bad mom who is out to spite SM, DH and DD.

Sure, so let’s think outside the box. I’m guessing that BioMom also isn’t willing to take DD to the hospital for a few hours in order to allow her time to meet her new sibling. She likely won’t split the next or previous “her time” (eg. Take half of the next two weekends instead of one whole weekend) in order to let DD participate in something pretty monumental in HER FAMILY.

There is a difference between structure and rigidity. One allows a child to grow, the other makes them resent you.

And yes, keeping a teenaged child from meeting their new sibling WHEN THEY WANT TO *is* being a bad mom.

[Anonymous]

Did you discuss changing the schedule up with her mom prior to discussing it in depth with step daughter.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think it's wonderful your step daughter is so excited to meet her new sibling. And congrats on the baby. I like the ideas people have posted about skyping in, or involving in her in something else special like bringing home baby from the hospital.

As for some of the rest of you, WOW. It's pretty easy to tell who the bitter ex wives in this thread are.

[Anonymous]

TBH, I would change the day of the c-section if it's possible. With this sort of non-amicable relationship with the bio-mom I'd recommend you do everything possible to not have to make these sorts of requests.

The tone of your post suggests you want a relationship between bio-mom, your DH, and SD that you can't have. I don't think you are wrong here, but I do think you have to accept the fact that bio-mom feels the way she does and control the things that ARE in your control.

The bio-mom's reaction is pretty callous, but I kind of agree with the PP that said she realized these requests were all about her doing the emotional labor. I think an exception should be made for the birth of a sibling though.

[Anonymous]

Holy sh&t he has a 15 year old and 3 kids under 2?!? Wow

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you and your DH need to be the adults in the room. For whatever reason, DH's ex is not going to relinquish the scheduled c-section date. Your DH should plan something special for her, you and the other kids on the first day that DD can come to you. Maybe you can plan in advance to have the newborn photo sessions with DD, baby and the other kids at that time, and let DD be the one to select the photo and help with the announcements?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like people are missing the key components of the OP:

Her mom is refusing to let her go on the grounds it's her day and it's not really her sister

First, of course it's her sister, and the biomom's statement reveals all you need to know about her. Second, if a 15 yo wants to go be at the hospital for the birth of her sister, a refusal because "it's my day" is just petty and meanspirited.

BioMom here. While I don’t know OP’s situation, I will say in my own situation I am often put in the position of having to give up my time with my child. Over time, with many of these requests for events that I deem non-urgent and with little or no lead time, I came to understand that my continued acquiescence was only perpetuating inappropriate expectations and undermining my own relationship with my child. Now when I say no to these requests, it usually means I think it was something that could have been planned on Ex’s time, it was inappropriate or the same ends could be achieved by different means on Ex’s time, or I had something already planned with other froends or family members or BioDad hadn’t been using the time he had appropriately (like asking to switch for a reason that he had lied about or asking to switch and then leaving child home alone)..

IMO, I came to see these requests as part of the emotional labor that women are asked to do for men - to give up their own interests and put the man’s first. My daughter has an interest in having a strong relationship with me, as well as her father. That is why it is very rare that I give up my time anymore. My DD’s relationship with maternal BioGrandparents and Uncles, Aunts and Cousins are as important as paternal family, whether bio or step paternal. It is BioDad’s responsibility to build his relationship between his 2nd family and DD on his own time.

Are you suggesting one of these (facially reasonable) complaints applies here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. My stepdaughter wants to be there she asked to be there.. I know her mother won't change days or allow her to come without great issue. There's a long history and it's one sided on my end . I've been nothing but nice and respectful of her.. Thanks for the ideas. I'll give it a try.

Could you not just say, " We would LOVE for you to be there. Since it is your mom's custody day, you will have to make sure it is okay with her. If you can't make it then, we will facetime with you and you can see the baby as soon as we have custody."

The bolded is so wrong and manipulative. Custody changes are discussed and agreed to well in advance by biological parents, not requested via the child as emissary. Wrong, wrong, wrong to put the child in that position.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Poor child, being put in the position where she feels no matter what happens she will be letting someone down. There is no way she can make everyone happy in this case.

+1

[Anonymous]

I bet the mom is resentful that exDH is having yet another child. Before this birth she had 2 and you had 2 - now you’re going to have 3. That means most of dad’s resources is going to go to your children. That has to sting.

Parents switch weekends all the time. It shouldn’t make any difference if SD has more time with mom before the birth, and more time with dad after. Total time with each parent stays the same. That the bio mom doesn’t want to switch means there’s something else going on.

Also - don’t try to delay or reschedule your c-section—waiting too long has its risks, as does bringing a baby out too soon. Don’t do it!