Stepdaughter, ex and new baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bio mom wins. This is her kid that she birthed 15 years ago.

Let it go.

Bio Dad is irrelevant?

[Anonymous]

I feel like people are missing the key components of the OP:

Her mom is refusing to let her go on the grounds it's her day and it's not really her sister

First, of course it's her sister, and the biomom's statement reveals all you need to know about her. Second, if a 15 yo wants to go be at the hospital for the birth of her sister, a refusal because "it's my day" is just petty and meanspirited.

[Anonymous]

Poor child, being put in the position where she feels no matter what happens she will be letting someone down. There is no way she can make everyone happy in this case.

[Anonymous]

Her mom shouldn't block this based on "her day," but that being said, you can cut this off and tell her you respect that, and you love her, and while you're sad she won't be there, you're so excited for when she's back and can meet the little one. The end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She wouldn't be in the delivery room. She just wants to be there. See her first after the birth., And hold her etc.. pp, I'm sure ex is doing it to hurt me and DH and her daughter as proxy.

Oh, stop it. It takes two to engage in the drama dance. BioMom isn’t obliged to give up her time. And you are making it worse by buying into the idea that she is missing something important by not being there. Instead, you can teach her an important lesson that we can share in other people’s joy even if we can’t be there. Figure out another way to be involved. I like the first outfit idea. You could also record her voice reading a book or singing a lullaby for whenever she’s not there. Have her take a babysitting class and learn first aid, diapering etc if she hasn’t already done so. She’s 15, so she probably has her own phone, so text her pics.

When a biomom wants to spend her time with her kid, it is self-centered of you to think of that as “hurting” you. You chose to marry a man with kids and be a stepmom. There will be hundreds of things your step-daughter will miss with your own children. That is the life you chose. Figure out how to deal with it with some grace.

You should have known you would get this type of response on DCUM when you are a step parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Her mom shouldn't block this based on "her day," but that being said, you can cut this off and tell her you respect that, and you love her, and while you're sad she won't be there, you're so excited for when she's back and can meet the little one. The end.

I was about to say this in a much more long-winded, probably less clear, way. I agree completely.

[Anonymous]

Does your step daughter have skype or FaceTime? FaceTime with her after the baby is born. You and step daughter can pick out cute little gifts together for the baby. When will you get to see your step daughter after delivery? A week later?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She wouldn't be in the delivery room. She just wants to be there. See her first after the birth., And hold her etc.. pp, I'm sure ex is doing it to hurt me and DH and her daughter as proxy.

Oh, stop it. It takes two to engage in the drama dance. BioMom isn’t obliged to give up her time. And you are making it worse by buying into the idea that she is missing something important by not being there. Instead, you can teach her an important lesson that we can share in other people’s joy even if we can’t be there. Figure out another way to be involved. I like the first outfit idea. You could also record her voice reading a book or singing a lullaby for whenever she’s not there. Have her take a babysitting class and learn first aid, diapering etc if she hasn’t already done so. She’s 15, so she probably has her own phone, so text her pics.

When a biomom wants to spend her time with her kid, it is self-centered of you to think of that as “hurting” you. You chose to marry a man with kids and be a stepmom. There will be hundreds of things your step-daughter will miss with your own children. That is the life you chose. Figure out how to deal with it with some grace.

You must be to bio-mom/bitch! The step-daughter sounds like a very sweet, unspoiled, young girl. OP, try what above PP suggested about sister picking up out coming home outfit and sending photo to her.

I once heard someone say about step siblings that the only steps are those coming into house and the only halves should be half an apple! I feel sorry for all of you because the bio mom is driving her daughter away. Good luck to all of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like people are missing the key components of the OP:

Her mom is refusing to let her go on the grounds it's her day and it's not really her sister

First, of course it's her sister, and the biomom's statement reveals all you need to know about her. Second, if a 15 yo wants to go be at the hospital for the birth of her sister, a refusal because "it's my day" is just petty and meanspirited.

BioMom here. While I don’t know OP’s situation, I will say in my own situation I am often put in the position of having to give up my time with my child. Over time, with many of these requests for events that I deem non-urgent and with little or no lead time, I came to understand that my continued acquiescence was only perpetuating inappropriate expectations and undermining my own relationship with my child. Now when I say no to these requests, it usually means I think it was something that could have been planned on Ex’s time, it was inappropriate or the same ends could be achieved by different means on Ex’s time, or I had something already planned with other froends or family members or BioDad hadn’t been using the time he had appropriately (like asking to switch for a reason that he had lied about or asking to switch and then leaving child home alone)..

IMO, I came to see these requests as part of the emotional labor that women are asked to do for men - to give up their own interests and put the man’s first. My daughter has an interest in having a strong relationship with me, as well as her father. That is why it is very rare that I give up my time anymore. My DD’s relationship with maternal BioGrandparents and Uncles, Aunts and Cousins are as important as paternal family, whether bio or step paternal. It is BioDad’s responsibility to build his relationship between his 2nd family and DD on his own time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like people are missing the key components of the OP:

Her mom is refusing to let her go on the grounds it's her day and it's not really her sister

First, of course it's her sister, and the biomom's statement reveals all you need to know about her. Second, if a 15 yo wants to go be at the hospital for the birth of her sister, a refusal because "it's my day" is just petty and meanspirited.

BioMom here. While I don’t know OP’s situation, I will say in my own situation I am often put in the position of having to give up my time with my child. Over time, with many of these requests for events that I deem non-urgent and with little or no lead time, I came to understand that my continued acquiescence was only perpetuating inappropriate expectations and undermining my own relationship with my child. Now when I say no to these requests, it usually means I think it was something that could have been planned on Ex’s time, it was inappropriate or the same ends could be achieved by different means on Ex’s time, or I had something already planned with other froends or family members or BioDad hadn’t been using the time he had appropriately (like asking to switch for a reason that he had lied about or asking to switch and then leaving child home alone)..

IMO, I came to see these requests as part of the emotional labor that women are asked to do for men - to give up their own interests and put the man’s first. My daughter has an interest in having a strong relationship with me, as well as her father. That is why it is very rare that I give up my time anymore. My DD’s relationship with maternal BioGrandparents and Uncles, Aunts and Cousins are as important as paternal family, whether bio or step paternal. It is BioDad’s responsibility to build his relationship between his 2nd family and DD on his own time.

While not minimizing your legitimate concerns, you do realize that a person can be born exactly once? And that they are trying to coordinate months in advance? Dad could easily swap a weekend with mom. She’s just being an a**.

[Anonymous]

Op here. My stepdaughter wants to be there she asked to be there.. I know her mother won't change days or allow her to come without great issue. There's a long history and it's one sided on my end . I've been nothing but nice and respectful of her.. Thanks for the ideas. I'll give it a try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like people are missing the key components of the OP:

Her mom is refusing to let her go on the grounds it's her day and it's not really her sister

First, of course it's her sister, and the biomom's statement reveals all you need to know about her. Second, if a 15 yo wants to go be at the hospital for the birth of her sister, a refusal because "it's my day" is just petty and meanspirited.

BioMom here. While I don’t know OP’s situation, I will say in my own situation I am often put in the position of having to give up my time with my child. Over time, with many of these requests for events that I deem non-urgent and with little or no lead time, I came to understand that my continued acquiescence was only perpetuating inappropriate expectations and undermining my own relationship with my child. Now when I say no to these requests, it usually means I think it was something that could have been planned on Ex’s time, it was inappropriate or the same ends could be achieved by different means on Ex’s time, or I had something already planned with other froends or family members or BioDad hadn’t been using the time he had appropriately (like asking to switch for a reason that he had lied about or asking to switch and then leaving child home alone)..

IMO, I came to see these requests as part of the emotional labor that women are asked to do for men - to give up their own interests and put the man’s first. My daughter has an interest in having a strong relationship with me, as well as her father. That is why it is very rare that I give up my time anymore. My DD’s relationship with maternal BioGrandparents and Uncles, Aunts and Cousins are as important as paternal family, whether bio or step paternal. It is BioDad’s responsibility to build his relationship between his 2nd family and DD on his own time.

Your selfishness is astounding.. The problem with you and the ex in Op's situation is that you don't consider your children in all this and what they may desire.

[Anonymous]

If this is really important to you you will reschedule.

If you expect everybody to change their lives around you that is the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She wouldn't be in the delivery room. She just wants to be there. See her first after the birth., And hold her etc.. pp, I'm sure ex is doing it to hurt me and DH and her daughter as proxy.

This is silly. It's not like the new baby's looks will fade if your stepdaughter sees the baby sixth instead of first. I'd just tell her "Well, it stinks, but this is life, sorry." She's 15. She can deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. My stepdaughter wants to be there she asked to be there.. I know her mother won't change days or allow her to come without great issue. There's a long history and it's one sided on my end . I've been nothing but nice and respectful of her.. Thanks for the ideas. I'll give it a try.

Could you not just say, " We would LOVE for you to be there. Since it is your mom's custody day, you will have to make sure it is okay with her. If you can't make it then, we will facetime with you and you can see the baby as soon as we have custody."