Stepdaughter, ex and new baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did you offer the mom to change days? Did you expect her to just give up her day with her daughter, or did you offer to exchange days or extend another visit?

In the meantime, do not make a big deal of this, and express your sadness and disappointment that the stepdaughter is missing this one day. Instead, tell her how much you are looking forward to her meeting the baby. Honestly, I wouldn't have my kid at the hospital on the day of the scheduled birth anyway--stuff can go wrong, things can take longer than expected, etc. Let her spend time with her mom while you're in surgery and recovering. Have her come the next day.

It's interesting to me how many on this thread jump to BioMom is bad, when really we know nothing of the history of visitation, custody schedule, how the idea was broached (by making promises to DD before checking with BioMom?), whether it's really true that SD wants to be present at the birth or is just saying that because it is evident that SM really wants her to (because we only know SM's description of how exit her SD is), where Dad is in this process, what other obligations SD has in terms of school, etc.

I also think it's interesting how many have assumed that being present at the birth is the "right" thing -- when it's really clear from a few posters like above that some people have a different view of whether having kids at the hospital on the day of birth is really a healthy thing for all involved, and that there are many ways to involve SD without having her present in the hospital at or shortly after birth.

For me, this really represents the way ex-wives are demonized in our culture on a lot of different levels -- mostly either as asexual, money-grubbing, control freaks or lazy, bad-mother sluts neither of whom can stand to let go of the ex-husbands they divorce so they spend their time making trouble for family #2. (I find the later an amusing way men of our culture just can't hear "no" -- even in divorce we are still perceived as wanting them enough to live our life in a way that is expressly designed to make trouble for them.)

As a woman, I almost feel my eyes rolling out of my head. Those “demonized” ex wives tend to get the lion’s share of custody, and usually, monetary advantage.


Here’s what I do know from my limited experience of life: the children (many of who I know are now adults) who are actually co-parentred, instead of being forced into a “two family” model, are happier and healthier as adolescents, and adults. They have better and more normalized relationships with others, including their own parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this is really important to you you will reschedule.

If you expect everybody to change their lives around you that is the problem.

I think it's a lot of nerve on OP's part. Whatever the occasion it's not more important than spending time with her mom. It's her day with her period.

More disturbing is the father already had two kids. Instead of getting a vasectomy proceeded to have 3 more with another woman. This is the bigger issue....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Holy sh&t he has a 15 year old and 3 kids under 2?!? Wow

He has 2 kids from the bio mom. Three with the new woman!

[Anonymous]

There is so much projecting going on in this thread. It's actually sad how many bitter ex wives are here


I would be thrilled if my children felt close enough to their stepmom and half siblings that they wanted to be at the hospital for the birthday.. I would gladly trade or give up a day. It's really a simple request and something that would make my kid happy.. Total no brainier.

Op, don't let the damaged people get to you. It seems like you have a great relationship with your step DD. As others have said let her pick out a special outfit. If you and your husband are open to it maybe she can help you name the baby. Above all else reassure her that it's alright if she's not at the hospital and she will still have a great bond with her baby sis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Holy sh&t he has a 15 year old and 3 kids under 2?!? Wow

He has 2 kids from the bio mom. Three with the new woman!

You must be a troll. It's perfectly reasonable for op's husband to want to have a baby or two with his new wife.

[Anonymous]

I think you should at least ask the doctor if you can change the day.

I am divorced and would let my teen go to this special day. The new baby will be DD's sibling for the rest of her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did you offer the mom to change days? Did you expect her to just give up her day with her daughter, or did you offer to exchange days or extend another visit?

In the meantime, do not make a big deal of this, and express your sadness and disappointment that the stepdaughter is missing this one day. Instead, tell her how much you are looking forward to her meeting the baby. Honestly, I wouldn't have my kid at the hospital on the day of the scheduled birth anyway--stuff can go wrong, things can take longer than expected, etc. Let her spend time with her mom while you're in surgery and recovering. Have her come the next day.

It's interesting to me how many on this thread jump to BioMom is bad, when really we know nothing of the history of visitation, custody schedule, how the idea was broached (by making promises to DD before checking with BioMom?), whether it's really true that SD wants to be present at the birth or is just saying that because it is evident that SM really wants her to (because we only know SM's description of how exit her SD is), where Dad is in this process, what other obligations SD has in terms of school, etc.

I also think it's interesting how many have assumed that being present at the birth is the "right" thing -- when it's really clear from a few posters like above that some people have a different view of whether having kids at the hospital on the day of birth is really a healthy thing for all involved, and that there are many ways to involve SD without having her present in the hospital at or shortly after birth.

For me, this really represents the way ex-wives are demonized in our culture on a lot of different levels -- mostly either as asexual, money-grubbing, control freaks or lazy, bad-mother sluts neither of whom can stand to let go of the ex-husbands they divorce so they spend their time making trouble for family #2. (I find the later an amusing way men of our culture just can't hear "no" -- even in divorce we are still perceived as wanting them enough to live our life in a way that is expressly designed to make trouble for them.)

*applause*

[Anonymous]

How ex-wives are demonized? I’m an ex-wife and I wonder when was the last time you watched a children’s movie in which the stepmother was evil, cruel to stepchildren, money grubbing, etc. I don’t disagree that ex-wives get a bad rep, but assuming that there are no big things that OP left out, it’s pretty terrible to tell your child, “No you cannot participate in this one-time event you want to participate in because MY TIME and NOT YOUR SISTER.”

That people are willing to give BioMim/ex-wife the benefit of the doubt but not OP says a lot and presents a counter example to PP’s “alas poor ex-wives” suggestion.

[Anonymous]

Keeping DDs interests in the forefront is what is important. Bio mom isn't making a good choice, and is probably acting out of hurt and anger and may not be thinking "big picture," but it's in DD's interests to have a good relationship with her mother long term. It hurts *a lot* to have a bad relationship with my mother, especially as we both get older.

PP, it sounds like you are probably a lot like your mom. Sounds like you are both strong willed and unforgiving, and self-righteous in your hurt. How's that working for you?

[Anonymous]

When I had my csections I was only allowed one other person in the room (DH) and no one else. Not my mom or sister, no one else. Also no video so I assume no FaceTime.

Hence it shouldn’t even possible to have your stepdaughter there in the delivery room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I had my csections I was only allowed one other person in the room (DH) and no one else. Not my mom or sister, no one else. Also no video so I assume no FaceTime.

Hence it shouldn’t even possible to have your stepdaughter there in the delivery room.

The stepdaughter just wanted to be ts I be at the hospital and meet her new sibling first.

[Anonymous]

This is weird. Siblings do not attend birth, parents do.
She is a sibling, not someone who will be part time parent, mother's helper.
Let her live her life. My guess is that she is too shy to say she doesn't want to be there, so her mom is helping her get out of this.

She should be doing teenager things, not be into babies

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is weird. Siblings do not attend birth, parents do.
She is a sibling, not someone who will be part time parent, mother's helper.
Let her live her life. My guess is that she is too shy to say she doesn't want to be there, so her mom is helping her get out of this.

She should be doing teenager things, not be into babies

I was a teenager when my half brothers were born, and I was there.

It made our relationship feel special.. they were always “my boys”. They’re 30 now, and we are still extremely close.

FWIW, I’d like to know what “teenager things” you think DD will be doing hanging out with her mom?

I trust that if this was a “full sibling”l you’d be all over the fact that she should participate that weekend. It’s only because it’s the StepMom Posting that you have so much bitterness about family togetherness.

[Anonymous]

My parents divorced, I have much-younger half-siblings whom I love very much. About 15 - 20 years younger than I am. I wasn't at the deliveries but visited the hospital soon after with one or two, met the other one or two at home within a few days. I LOVE my younger siblings like they are my own babies. Hard to resist loving beautiful babies when you are biologically wired to be having them at age 15, n16, 18, 20.....

I am now the ex wife and a mother of teens.

Bio mom will pay if she is not supportive of her daughter's desires to be with the new babies. I know it's galling. But bio mom will only come off as the bad guy and alienate her teen - at least until the teen is old enough to have experienced marriage, childbirth, and heaven forbid, divorce and being the ex wife. THEN the teen may begin to understand how bio mom felt about all this. But not before.

Stepmom, you sound like a nice person (I love my stepmom a lot). My advice is do everything in your power to enhance your relationship with your step daughter and support your step daughter's relationship with your kids - and with her bio mom. This means taking the high road and avoiding (to the degree possible) creating situations where conflict arises between bio mom and teen. So if you know that schedule changes are an area where conflict arises, avoid them to the degree possible.

If your doctor doesn't care if you have a c section on Friday or Monday vs. Saturday or Sunday, it would be nice if you can make that accomodation. I realize that's a lot to ask. (I had a c section too).

If you can't do that, just put a happy face on it and see step daughter as soon as you can after delivery. Maybe give step daughter another special first like first sponge bath or something. My sister gave my newborn DD her first bath while I recovered from my c section, DD still thinks of her auntie as special because we told her about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is weird. Siblings do not attend birth, parents do.
She is a sibling, not someone who will be part time parent, mother's helper.
Let her live her life. My guess is that [/b]she is too shy to say she doesn't want to be there, so her mom is helping her get out of this.[b]

She should be doing teenager things, not be into babies

+1. Often the kids use “mom won’t let us” as an excuse to get out of something that they don’t want to do. Sometimes they deploy it without asking me. Sometimes they come to me and explain why it is uncomfortable for them and then I refuse permission. When it’s a request for something on my time, I’m not obliged to say why I am declining or to negotiate. This is probably received as me being a bad mom, but in reality, the kid doesn’t want to go and while I may, where appropriate ask them to reframe or reconsider, if they feel strongly, I won’t and can’t force them.