Parent Intensity at Sidwell vs. STA

[Anonymous]

DS fortunate enough to have been admitted to both. We know that both are very rigorous academically, but we are trying to get a sense of how much of the academic intensity comes from the boys/students, the school, and the parents. At the STA open house, it seemed like the school really wanted parents to let the boys develop independence and discipline without much parental involvement. We have heard more mixed things about the parent community and their intensity and involvement regarding student performance at Sidwell. It’s a tough question to ask directly, so taking a little bit of a chance indirectly here.

[Anonymous]

Speaking as a Sidwell parent, there is peer pressure, but at least we, and most of the parents we know, keep a pretty hands off approach. Certainly if it were up to the school, the parents only involvement would be to send checks and attend performances and sporting events.

[Anonymous]

OP, we straddle both communities, with DCs attending each. It really depends on the class and what the mix of parents are like for a given grade.

IME, the parents at my Sidwell DC’s class have been more intense than those at my STA DC’s but I’m sure that it could be reversed in other classes.

[Anonymous]

21:39 again, Reading your post again, I agree that STA takes a more active stance in trying to get parents to back off from helicoptering their kids. I also agree that I’ve probably encountered more parents who were actively involved and enriching their kids at Sidwell.

Both are wonderful schools, so you can’t really go wrong. I think STA is probably a better place for shy or introverted boys than Sidwell.

[Anonymous]

sidwell parent here. Our dc started in pk and we are not yet in 9th with dc so depending on what grade your dc are starting at, you might notice different levels of intensity. Pk-2nd was basically babysitting for 40k/year. Parental intensity in classes was nonexistent, but parents were very involved with the school and each other---as about 1/2 the parents want to connect with other parents for social/work related events, and 1/2 the parents could care less and just want their child to move along. We were in the 2nd group. Around 3rd grade, the academics start to get a bit tougher---hw is given with some teachers and not with others, and parents drop kids off for math study prior to school--and sit with them to help them--and other kids. 4th grade--more of the same, but it picks up a bit. 5th and 6th the homework is more and if DC not getting it, parental involvement (with the assistance of the school via aligning parents with tutors etc) goes up---but more in the sense of paying for a tutor and getting dc to see the tutor rather than doing the math/english on their own at the kitchen table with dc. It's a quaker school but don't fool yourself---most parents are intense overachievers in their everyday lives so you should expect that intensity to rub off on the kids--and it does. You send your kids to sidwell b/c of the value on education, and the kids are pushed, pushed and pushed some more, by each other, by parents, and by faculty. Sidwell is a funny school---they tell you right at the start, they don't necessarily take family menbers--and what's funny is that later on, especially for the parents that push, the siblings get in---but the school is nuanced and we don't send all of our children there--all applied, but if they didn't get in, we didn't take it personally and sent the other dc to schools that fit their needs better. Some of our dc need to be challenged with facts, others need more of a wholistic viewpoint, and our dc at sidwell need a more obtuse form of instruction. There were other parents that wouldnt take no from Sidwell for siblings and kept applying---but what's funny is that from what we can see(again, we don't spend much time socializing as dc are all in different schools) the siblings don't all turn out amazing--there is usually one exceptional one and the the others do well--just not exceptionally well. I't is a great school, and parents DO push their kids, even as the kids get older---not to actually push them but rather to challenge them, and that intensity is not necessarily seen as a bad thing. This was a bit of a non-answer but hope it helps somewhat

[Anonymous]

In general most schools have seen an uptick in parental intensity - and anxiety - in recent years vs previous years. Reasons: private schools cost a lot lot more and competition for competitive college spots is way, way up. And our society has become more of a winner takes all one. Schools don’t get this yet and blame the parents for being intense but the truth is times have changed and schools must as well.

[Anonymous]

Another Sidwell parent - Intensity. It's value or criticism is all in the eyes of the beholder. I will be forever grateful to the school that encouraged my DC to be an independent thinker and the parent community that challenged the school to remain at the top of their game. There were parents that were more hands off and some very involved but we were all there for all the kids. My DC learned a lot about the world, business, politics, sports, life and friendship from the parent community. I was all for that type of intensity. i just hope we gave back as much as we received.

[Anonymous]

Sidwell upper school parents are ridiculously intense about the college process. Just take a look at the many threads this year complaining about the counseling department there. STA parents also worry about how it all goes down (as do parents at every school), but they are not nearly as vocal about it.

[Anonymous]

Op here: thanks so much to everyone who chimed in. We want Ds to get an excellent education--which he clearly would at either place--but we also want him to be around a group that isn't under a mountain of pressure. I'm wondering how much outside enrichment (not simply tutoring, if needed) parents are putting kids in? I've heard rumors of advanced writing programs, accelerated math, anything to get ahead. But it's scattered information. Can't tell if it's a few parents (which is normal anywhere) or the norm? Tia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In general most schools have seen an uptick in parental intensity - and anxiety - in recent years vs previous years. Reasons: private schools cost a lot lot more and competition for competitive college spots is way, way up. And our society has become more of a winner takes all one. Schools don’t get this yet and blame the parents for being intense but the truth is times have changed and schools must as well.

The thing is, not everyone in DC, and not everyone in the country, buys into this, and their kids are happy and doing well and succeeding.

[Anonymous]

STA parents sometimes joke there is a 'force field' at the door designed to keep parents out of the building. I mean, sure they are welcome and all but you generally get this vibe that parents aren't really needed to volunteer in the classroom and sit in on classes, etc (i.e. how it is in some elementary schools). Part of it is the boys are getting older, but I think part of it is designed to dial back some of the parental pressure on the kids during the day. I also think the building is designed as a maze to keep the parents from finding their way around the complex.

Another example is that when parents login to the student website, they don't have access to the kids progress (the kids have it on their logins, but not the parents). I asked IT about this 'glitch' and they said 'it's not a glitch, it's designed that way to keep the parents from fixating on the kids' day-to-day progress".

But as an earlier poster mentioned, I suspect it's a year-by-year thing. Some years may be better than others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here: thanks so much to everyone who chimed in. We want Ds to get an excellent education--which he clearly would at either place--but we also want him to be around a group that isn't under a mountain of pressure. I'm wondering how much outside enrichment (not simply tutoring, if needed) parents are putting kids in? I've heard rumors of advanced writing programs, accelerated math, anything to get ahead. But it's scattered information. Can't tell if it's a few parents (which is normal anywhere) or the norm? Tia.

My other bit of advice would be to send the kid for a shadow day or come to one of the new parent receptions and let the kids speak "kid to kid" with some of the students and get a feel themselves. I think both schools have a new family reception event coming up soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:STA parents sometimes joke there is a 'force field' at the door designed to keep parents out of the building. I mean, sure they are welcome and all but you generally get this vibe that parents aren't really needed to volunteer in the classroom and sit in on classes, etc (i.e. how it is in some elementary schools). Part of it is the boys are getting older, but I think part of it is designed to dial back some of the parental pressure on the kids during the day. I also think the building is designed as a maze to keep the parents from finding their way around the complex.

Another example is that when parents login to the student website, they don't have access to the kids progress (the kids have it on their logins, but not the parents). I asked IT about this 'glitch' and they said 'it's not a glitch, it's designed that way to keep the parents from fixating on the kids' day-to-day progress".

But as an earlier poster mentioned, I suspect it's a year-by-year thing. Some years may be better than others.

Sidwell parents don't go to Upper School at all, other than parent-teacher meetings. Parents do not have access to anything academic other than the quarterly/semester reports.

[Anonymous]

Parental involvement in the school may vary--overall, the older the kids get, the less involved the parents need to be on-site.

However, if you are talking about intensive parenting, the norm at both of these schools is to pay for any extra help that may be needed (or desired) be it in academics, sports, or music; and to provide the transportation and other support required for this.

[Anonymous]

STA middle school parent here. We don’t have any enrichment for our kid other than some rec sports teams here and there and music lessons in the summer (he doesn’t want to go to sleep away camp so he needs to find things to do... hopefully he will get a job this summer). I would prefer he spend time at school with teachers and coaches. Saying that, there are definitely super talented boys who are amazing musicians or athletes in his class and have outside coaching or training.

I have no idea if boys have tutors but as best I can tell in his friend group, they do not.

My son really likes school and doesn’t seem stressed. Some nights he has no homework (gets it down in study hall) and other nights he studies extensively for tests. I am guessing it will really ramp up in upper school.

If he seems happy and learning, I figure I won’t worry.