Parent Intensity at Sidwell vs. STA

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So basically a bunch of terrible humans in the parent communities. Lovely.

Nah. I think most are nice at both of these schools. The question is does the culture allow it to happen? Community comes from the parents and who the schools puts in that community. Schools can’t mold and change grown adults. That’s what I would be looking at. Who are they admitting into their communities and do they get to stay if they behave in a manner that goes against the school’s handbook or contract?

Also I suspect the alleged letter at Sidwell was written by a student as some type of revenge. That seems like the more likely scenario.

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure that a student-written letter is much better, if that’s true. But I don’t find the parent letter possibility farfetched at all. It’s just a few steps down from all the sort of nonsense we’re hearing about every day that rich families do to get precious dc into college.

I think the original question points to a broader problem that has come out on this thread—(some) parents at these schools are way too intensely involved in their kids’ academic lives and social lives. Must not be involved enough in their own lives, or, more likely, have created lives somewhat coterminously with their kids’ lives. Pathetic.

Starting to see the allure of boarding school, even with all its problems.

[Anonymous]

Multiple posts about an STA mom telling friends not to have certain other members of the community as guests of CCC. If so many people know this story and this particular mom, it must have happened multiple times, seems like people should just ignore her requests and do what they want - why would they let her control who their guests are or who their sons decide to bring to their own club?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Starting to see the allure of boarding school, even with all its problems.

If you’re into boarding school, go. But avoiding a school because 3 or 4 out of 330+ parents is a bit snowflake-ish. You know there are some nutty people everywhere you go, right? It’s the human condition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Starting to see the allure of boarding school, even with all its problems.

If you’re into boarding school, go. But avoiding a school because 3 or 4 out of 330+ parents is a bit snowflake-ish. You know there are some nutty people everywhere you go, right? It’s the human condition.

I was being a bit facetious. Just pointing out that parents need to get a life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^ -- just adding that Sidwell is a very competitive social environment, which can create an emphasis on affluence -- you might or might not want your child to be part of that

This is the definition of STA in many cases too. Some of the most socially competitive people I know in Washington have kids there. The "I won't look your way if you're not important enough" types.
My son has as a few of these on his travel sports team. I know there are nice people there but let's not pretend that STA families are any different than Sidwell in this regard. I have a daughter in the upper grades
at NCS so I have a decent amount of exposure to the STA world in this way as well.

Both are great schools. I know a lot of families at both and while STA is mostly nice families DC is a small town and it is no secret that there are a few nasty parents there as well. A few incidnets come to mind. One involving a mom calling and disinviting another mom from an event at a social club is pretty low and the worse part is that other STA moms sat idly by and allowed it to happen in fear of retribution from the mean mom. Friends that belong to that club that found out afterward were upset and told others about it.

Op I think your son will be happy at STA. It is a great school. I waited to reply to this post because I did not want to influence anyone’s decision because I still think STA is a great school. That being said, while we are not at the school we did hear about this incident from several friends at the school that were not pleased this happened in their community and yes the other STA parents just allowed it to happen instead of stepping in to make the situation right. So if you’re comparing communities I think you can find some nasty parents I’m sure at both.

Well, I’m an STA parent who had not heard of this incident, assuming it is accurately portrayed.

However, it raises in my mind - what did the troubled parents do about it? Was anyone brave enough to deliver the message to mean mom that the community was not happy with what she’d done?

And, yes, this is outlier behavior IME. I think the more you care about social status and being in a certain parent clique, the more vulnerable you are to this kind of ridiculous behavior. But, assuming it really happened, I’d note that it was in the social sphere where the school can’t intervene.

I find it much more disconcerting that a Sidwell parent called the admissions office of a school to defame another student. And, the school did nothing to respond.

No dog in the fight, but I don't think it was a call, but an anonymous letter. What, exactly, do you expect the school to do about an unknown parent? Keep the whole parent community on campus for detention until someone confesses?

You send out a letter to the school community condemning it in the strongest terms, asking people to share any information or knowledge they might have on who did it, and letting people know that should the perpetrator be identified, they will face serious consequences — such as expulsion.

[Anonymous]

OP, congrats on making a decision. I’m sure he’ll be very happy. I am just chiming in in case others have a similar question. I have a child at Sidwell in the high school and have made wonderful friends in the parent community. They’ve coached my kids, cheered them on, helped build their confidence etc. With the college stuff, there was a bit of collective agreement among us to try to lower the pressure in our own homes and for each other’s kids. Only a few outside college counselors or any of that in my personal group of friends. There ARE parents who are more intense, but they’re not in my orbit. As with the rest of life, you get to pick your friends, as do your kids. And fwiw, I’ve never hired a tutor for my kids either. I don’t hang with an especially wealthy crowd and rarely am a guest at a country club, but I will say that everyone has been kind and inclusive, none more so than some of the more “big name” type people. They may be especially mindful of being inclusive, actually. I don’t think they belong to country clubs either, maybe that’s just not quite as common at Sidwell. My kid’s friends who live in Chevy chase are more likely to belong, maybe because it’s in their neighborhood. And my child has loved the school. I’m not from this part of the country originally and the overall intensity here is much, much higher here than where I grew up, but I’ve heard that my hometown is trending in this direction, too. These are just uncertain times and they’re causing people a great deal of anxiety. I think we all need to make an effort to inoculate our kids from the stress, which is definitely race to nowhere. And as an aside, I also have experience with another local independent that people rarely discuss on this forum because it’s less selective, and the vibe is very similar there. I truly believe it’s a sign of the times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, congrats on making a decision. I’m sure he’ll be very happy. I am just chiming in in case others have a similar question. I have a child at Sidwell in the high school and have made wonderful friends in the parent community. They’ve coached my kids, cheered them on, helped build their confidence etc. With the college stuff, there was a bit of collective agreement among us to try to lower the pressure in our own homes and for each other’s kids. Only a few outside college counselors or any of that in my personal group of friends. There ARE parents who are more intense, but they’re not in my orbit. As with the rest of life, you get to pick your friends, as do your kids. And fwiw, I’ve never hired a tutor for my kids either. I don’t hang with an especially wealthy crowd and rarely am a guest at a country club, but I will say that everyone has been kind and inclusive, none more so than some of the more “big name” type people. They may be especially mindful of being inclusive, actually. I don’t think they belong to country clubs either, maybe that’s just not quite as common at Sidwell. My kid’s friends who live in Chevy chase are more likely to belong, maybe because it’s in their neighborhood. And my child has loved the school. I’m not from this part of the country originally and the overall intensity here is much, much higher here than where I grew up, but I’ve heard that my hometown is trending in this direction, too. These are just uncertain times and they’re causing people a great deal of anxiety. I think we all need to make an effort to inoculate our kids from the stress, which is definitely race to nowhere. And as an aside, I also have experience with another local independent that people rarely discuss on this forum because it’s less selective, and the vibe is very similar there. I truly believe it’s a sign of the times.

Thanks for sharing this. Wish there had been more if this during decision time. -- parent of kid who faced similar decision and now worries about some of what's been coming out lately.

[Anonymous]

We are relatively new parents at St. Albans who have been reading all these posts and saying to ourselves "boy, we must be really out of the social scene". Nothing like this has been directed our way nor have we heard anything about it. I think if you are interested in getting into the gossipy circle of parents you'll have more than enough opportunities at either school but if you'd rather just focus on your kid's academics and the general community you can do so too without too much drama. We've done some volunteer opportunities and been to a few social mixers without any of the silliness reported. If you want drama you can find it, but you can also just sort of fly above it easily enough.

I think both schools get a reputation as bastions of the wealthy, and while there are some wealthy parents at these schools (by DC standards) there are plenty of others just getting by or even making sacrifices or on financial aid to go to this school. There are plenty of regular families who went to Billy Bob Public School growing up with two income 9-6 jobs and have said to me "the closest I ever came to a school like this when I was a kid was watching the Dead Poets Society".

I would note at either Sidwell or STA or many other private schools, you'll start to notice there are some people (anonymous posters. etc) who will take any opportunity they can to disparage the school or the parents who choose to go there. Take it all with a grain of salt and just focus on your kids and you'll be fine. Better than that--you'll be happy with the choice you made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would note at either Sidwell or STA or many other private schools, you'll start to notice there are some people (anonymous posters. etc) who will take any opportunity they can to disparage the school or the parents who choose to go there. Take it all with a grain of salt and just focus on your kids and you'll be fine. Better than that--you'll be happy with the choice you made.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^ -- just adding that Sidwell is a very competitive social environment, which can create an emphasis on affluence -- you might or might not want your child to be part of that

This is the definition of STA in many cases too. Some of the most socially competitive people I know in Washington have kids there. The "I won't look your way if you're not important enough" types.
My son has as a few of these on his travel sports team. I know there are nice people there but let's not pretend that STA families are any different than Sidwell in this regard. I have a daughter in the upper grades
at NCS so I have a decent amount of exposure to the STA world in this way as well.

Both are great schools. I know a lot of families at both and while STA is mostly nice families DC is a small town and it is no secret that there are a few nasty parents there as well. A few incidnets come to mind. One involving a mom calling and disinviting another mom from an event at a social club is pretty low and the worse part is that other STA moms sat idly by and allowed it to happen in fear of retribution from the mean mom. Friends that belong to that club that found out afterward were upset and told others about it.

Op I think your son will be happy at STA. It is a great school. I waited to reply to this post because I did not want to influence anyone’s decision because I still think STA is a great school. That being said, while we are not at the school we did hear about this incident from several friends at the school that were not pleased this happened in their community and yes the other STA parents just allowed it to happen instead of stepping in to make the situation right. So if you’re comparing communities I think you can find some nasty parents I’m sure at both.

Well, I’m an STA parent who had not heard of this incident, assuming it is accurately portrayed.

However, it raises in my mind - what did the troubled parents do about it? Was anyone brave enough to deliver the message to mean mom that the community was not happy with what she’d done?

And, yes, this is outlier behavior IME. I think the more you care about social status and being in a certain parent clique, the more vulnerable you are to this kind of ridiculous behavior. But, assuming it really happened, I’d note that it was in the social sphere where the school can’t intervene.

I find it much more disconcerting that a Sidwell parent called the admissions office of a school to defame another student. And, the school did nothing to respond.

No dog in the fight, but I don't think it was a call, but an anonymous letter. What, exactly, do you expect the school to do about an unknown parent? Keep the whole parent community on campus for detention until someone confesses?

You send out a letter to the school community condemning it in the strongest terms, asking people to share any information or knowledge they might have on who did it, and letting people know that should the perpetrator be identified, they will face serious consequences — such as expulsion.

Exactly . . . but that kind of forthright administrative response to ugly behavior is almost never seen at Sidwell. I've seen that once in nearly 15 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^ -- just adding that Sidwell is a very competitive social environment, which can create an emphasis on affluence -- you might or might not want your child to be part of that

This is the definition of STA in many cases too. Some of the most socially competitive people I know in Washington have kids there. The "I won't look your way if you're not important enough" types.
My son has as a few of these on his travel sports team. I know there are nice people there but let's not pretend that STA families are any different than Sidwell in this regard. I have a daughter in the upper grades
at NCS so I have a decent amount of exposure to the STA world in this way as well.

Both are great schools. I know a lot of families at both and while STA is mostly nice families DC is a small town and it is no secret that there are a few nasty parents there as well. A few incidnets come to mind. One involving a mom calling and disinviting another mom from an event at a social club is pretty low and the worse part is that other STA moms sat idly by and allowed it to happen in fear of retribution from the mean mom. Friends that belong to that club that found out afterward were upset and told others about it.

Op I think your son will be happy at STA. It is a great school. I waited to reply to this post because I did not want to influence anyone’s decision because I still think STA is a great school. That being said, while we are not at the school we did hear about this incident from several friends at the school that were not pleased this happened in their community and yes the other STA parents just allowed it to happen instead of stepping in to make the situation right. So if you’re comparing communities I think you can find some nasty parents I’m sure at both.

Well, I’m an STA parent who had not heard of this incident, assuming it is accurately portrayed.

However, it raises in my mind - what did the troubled parents do about it? Was anyone brave enough to deliver the message to mean mom that the community was not happy with what she’d done?

And, yes, this is outlier behavior IME. I think the more you care about social status and being in a certain parent clique, the more vulnerable you are to this kind of ridiculous behavior. But, assuming it really happened, I’d note that it was in the social sphere where the school can’t intervene.

I find it much more disconcerting that a Sidwell parent called the admissions office of a school to defame another student. And, the school did nothing to respond.

No dog in the fight, but I don't think it was a call, but an anonymous letter. What, exactly, do you expect the school to do about an unknown parent? Keep the whole parent community on campus for detention until someone confesses?

You send out a letter to the school community condemning it in the strongest terms, asking people to share any information or knowledge they might have on who did it, and letting people know that should the perpetrator be identified, they will face serious consequences — such as expulsion.

Exactly . . . but that kind of forthright administrative response to ugly behavior is almost never seen at Sidwell. I've seen that once in nearly 15 years.

I am sure they are long gone by now if they were a senior or had a senior student. Furthermore, people can have enemies from everywhere so it may not have even been a Sidwell family. If you can’t prove it it’s hard to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^ -- just adding that Sidwell is a very competitive social environment, which can create an emphasis on affluence -- you might or might not want your child to be part of that

This is the definition of STA in many cases too. Some of the most socially competitive people I know in Washington have kids there. The "I won't look your way if you're not important enough" types.
My son has as a few of these on his travel sports team. I know there are nice people there but let's not pretend that STA families are any different than Sidwell in this regard. I have a daughter in the upper grades
at NCS so I have a decent amount of exposure to the STA world in this way as well.

Both are great schools. I know a lot of families at both and while STA is mostly nice families DC is a small town and it is no secret that there are a few nasty parents there as well. A few incidnets come to mind. One involving a mom calling and disinviting another mom from an event at a social club is pretty low and the worse part is that other STA moms sat idly by and allowed it to happen in fear of retribution from the mean mom. Friends that belong to that club that found out afterward were upset and told others about it.

Op I think your son will be happy at STA. It is a great school. I waited to reply to this post because I did not want to influence anyone’s decision because I still think STA is a great school. That being said, while we are not at the school we did hear about this incident from several friends at the school that were not pleased this happened in their community and yes the other STA parents just allowed it to happen instead of stepping in to make the situation right. So if you’re comparing communities I think you can find some nasty parents I’m sure at both.

Well, I’m an STA parent who had not heard of this incident, assuming it is accurately portrayed.

However, it raises in my mind - what did the troubled parents do about it? Was anyone brave enough to deliver the message to mean mom that the community was not happy with what she’d done?

And, yes, this is outlier behavior IME. I think the more you care about social status and being in a certain parent clique, the more vulnerable you are to this kind of ridiculous behavior. But, assuming it really happened, I’d note that it was in the social sphere where the school can’t intervene.

I find it much more disconcerting that a Sidwell parent called the admissions office of a school to defame another student. And, the school did nothing to respond.

No dog in the fight, but I don't think it was a call, but an anonymous letter. What, exactly, do you expect the school to do about an unknown parent? Keep the whole parent community on campus for detention until someone confesses?

You send out a letter to the school community condemning it in the strongest terms, asking people to share any information or knowledge they might have on who did it, and letting people know that should the perpetrator be identified, they will face serious consequences — such as expulsion.

Exactly . . . but that kind of forthright administrative response to ugly behavior is almost never seen at Sidwell. I've seen that once in nearly 15 years.

I am sure they are long gone by now if they were a senior or had a senior student. Furthermore, people can have enemies from everywhere so it may not have even been a Sidwell family. If you can’t prove it it’s hard to say.

That sounds quite far-fetched. I’m sure there’s is a reason the admissions officer who is leaving believed it was done by a member of the Sidwell co. Unity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Multiple posts about an STA mom telling friends not to have certain other members of the community as guests of CCC. If so many people know this story and this particular mom, it must have happened multiple times, seems like people should just ignore her requests and do what they want - why would they let her control who their guests are or who their sons decide to bring to their own club?

I don’t know about this but not surprised as some people are hard to go up against especially when their powerful friends back them up. Also a lot of the board belongs to that club so I can imagine it can be intimidating to raise any issues concerning it.

[Anonymous]

https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/on-parenting/when-parents-are-so-desperate-to-get-their-kids-into-college-that-they-sabotage-other-students/2019/04/02/decc6b9e-5159-11e9-88a1-ed346f0ec94f_story.html?utm_term=.08f8bf40cbb2