Frustrated with Husband

[Anonymous]

About a month ago, we got a new car. Today my husband was driving it and after we pulled into the garage and parked, he got out , opened the hatchback and started to take in some things bought. As he went into the house, he pushed the garage door button while the hatchback was still open. Meanwhile, I’m taking our DD out of her car seat but noticed what he’s done and yell at him to shut the garage door off. It is very easy to see that the garage door will damage our hatchback... he yells back at me “why are you yelling, you’re so dramatic” I rush over and try to close the hatchback as fast as I can, but it’s not fast enough and the garage door scratched the shit out of our new car. I was soooooooooooo pissed, like crying pissed. We have a decent HHI but live very very conservatively. This is the first big new thing I’ve gotten in probably a decade.

I lost my shit on him. It’s more than just this, I understand it was not on purpose. But he never pay attention to anything beyond himself.We have a 3 year old, shes a bit of a handful like most kids her age. I just lost it, because I feel like I live with a teenage boy and a 3 year old. The argument just snowballed... he is better than many husbands in the fact that he “helps” (I loathe that term) but every thing he does is so half assed that it actually make things worse. He does the dishes but puts bowls full of spaghetti sauce in the dishwasher without rinsing. He wipes the counters down, but leaves a huge wad of dirty paper towels out. He does his laundry but it never leaves the laundry room. We went to lunch, all 3 of us, and I’m making sure my daughter has all of her belongings, but noticed my husband left his iPhone and is halfway out the door... then because of keeping track of his shit, I forgot the to go drink I ordered. Seems minor, but it’s so frequent, I feel like I have 2 kids. I hate being a nag, so I try to not be but then something like this happens... I feel like I have 2 kids, instead of 1.

I’m very aware it sounds trivial but I am about to lose my mind!

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry. You do have two kids. Did his mommy spoil him rotten, and do everything for him?

[Anonymous]

You do have two kids. Very common, sadly. Couples counseling helped us but it's not completely fixed. He grew up a bit and I've learned to let him fail a bit (eg, "Hey, got your phone?" but I don't rescue it for him.)

[Anonymous]

ADHD traits. It runs in families, so watch out for your DD.

And I know I'm going to be castigated here by the crowd who hates to have that diagnosis brought up all the time, but here's the truth from a research scientist: it's more common than you think, and all mental disorders are on a spectrum, from non-existent to severe. There are lots of people walking about right now who have attention issues, maybe not to the level of a diagnosis, but enough to irritate their families and work colleagues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry. You do have two kids. Did his mommy spoil him rotten, and do everything for him?

OP here... in my opinion, yes. He had a SAHM and didn’t learn to do laundry till college. He barely knows how to cook. When we are at his parents house and he clears the table and does dishes, his mom practically throws a parade! I came from a home of two full time working parents. Where the cook doesn’t clean, I did my own laundry at 12, had daily chores, etc.

We’ve been together 15+ years and lived together 13 of those. It’s gotten so much worse since we had a child. It takes me breaking down, crying, every few months before he gets it ... for awhile and then it begins again.

Not that it matters, but income wise we are almost 50/50 so it should be the same at home!

I just LOST IT when he messed up my new car. We live so conservatively and I’ve waited forever to have a nice, new (to me) car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry. You do have two kids. Did his mommy spoil him rotten, and do everything for him?

OP here... in my opinion, yes. He had a SAHM and didn’t learn to do laundry till college. He barely knows how to cook. When we are at his parents house and he clears the table and does dishes, his mom practically throws a parade! I came from a home of two full time working parents. Where the cook doesn’t clean, I did my own laundry at 12, had daily chores, etc.

We’ve been together 15+ years and lived together 13 of those. It’s gotten so much worse since we had a child. It takes me breaking down, crying, every few months before he gets it ... for awhile and then it begins again.

Not that it matters, but income wise we are almost 50/50 so it should be the same at home!

I just LOST IT when he messed up my new car. We live so conservatively and I’ve waited forever to have a nice, new (to me) car.

I'm with you. Working women are usually getting a bad deal. This is why dual income parents do tons of outsourcing. Mom doesn't want double duty.

But why do we marry these lazy-as* mama's boy "men"?

Fiqure out "natural consequences" for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry. You do have two kids. Did his mommy spoil him rotten, and do everything for him?

OP here... in my opinion, yes. He had a SAHM and didn’t learn to do laundry till college. He barely knows how to cook. When we are at his parents house and he clears the table and does dishes, his mom practically throws a parade! I came from a home of two full time working parents. Where the cook doesn’t clean, I did my own laundry at 12, had daily chores, etc.

We’ve been together 15+ years and lived together 13 of those. It’s gotten so much worse since we had a child. It takes me breaking down, crying, every few months before he gets it ... for awhile and then it begins again.

Not that it matters, but income wise we are almost 50/50 so it should be the same at home!

I just LOST IT when he messed up my new car. We live so conservatively and I’ve waited forever to have a nice, new (to me) car.

Hmm. People never go beyond that and conclude parents are to blame. WHY do you think some parents "spoil" their kids?

In many instances, it's because the child shows some unidentified issues in executive function. AKA, what they now call ADHD (and they really should call it something else, and they really should separate the different subtypes into their own disorders, and they really should have an "executive dysfunction" umbrella for all of that stuff, but that's for another post).

When your kid cannot multitask to save his life - I mean that quite literally - and keeps forgetting directions, both at school and at home, what can you do as a parent or as a teacher except simplify it for him?
Nowadays we are growing a cohort of boys and girls who are educated and self-aware about their tendencies, and possibly meds, and be upfront about them with their future spouses. But 20 years ago? 40 years ago? No.

I'm sure there are also plenty of instances of parents in previous generations who raised boys as if they were going to be waited on hand and foot by their wives and assistants/maids. Sure. But be specific. "Spoiling" doesn't mean a thing and puts unnecessary guilt on well-meaning people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
ADHD traits. It runs in families, so watch out for your DD.

And I know I'm going to be castigated here by the crowd who hates to have that diagnosis brought up all the time, but here's the truth from a research scientist: it's more common than you think, and all mental disorders are on a spectrum, from non-existent to severe. There are lots of people walking about right now who have attention issues, maybe not to the level of a diagnosis, but enough to irritate their families and work colleagues.

I'm 21:47 and had similar issues with my spouse. The thing about the ADHD "excuse" is, if this behavior is caused by an illness then why does it get better with time, couples counseling, and/or OP breaking down? These guys can fix their behavior, they just don't until divorce is on the line. It's in their control.

It frankly wouldn't shock me if my DH had ADHD (he was deeply hurt when I suggested it, so we'll never know). But him being a thoughtless man-child matches the facts at least as well. And there are SO MANY of these guys, I can't believe 75% of the male population has undiagnosed ADHD that mostly manifests after their first kid is born. This is cultural not biological.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry. You do have two kids. Did his mommy spoil him rotten, and do everything for him?

OP here... in my opinion, yes. He had a SAHM and didn’t learn to do laundry till college. He barely knows how to cook. When we are at his parents house and he clears the table and does dishes, his mom practically throws a parade! I came from a home of two full time working parents. Where the cook doesn’t clean, I did my own laundry at 12, had daily chores, etc.

We’ve been together 15+ years and lived together 13 of those. It’s gotten so much worse since we had a child. It takes me breaking down, crying, every few months before he gets it ... for awhile and then it begins again.

Not that it matters, but income wise we are almost 50/50 so it should be the same at home!

I just LOST IT when he messed up my new car. We live so conservatively and I’ve waited forever to have a nice, new (to me) car.

I'm with you. Working women are usually getting a bad deal. This is why dual income parents do tons of outsourcing. Mom doesn't want double duty.

But why do we marry these lazy-as* mama's boy "men"?

Fiqure out "natural consequences" for him.

OP again... I get what you are saying but it always still ends up being my problem. Like with my car... he says he will take care of getting it fixed. But it will likely leave me without a car on a work day which I need for client meetings and will also cost money that yes, we have but no, I don’t want to spend on this.

[Anonymous]

Don’t have another child with this man.
I also think it’s not ADHD; if your DH is successful at work, he can succeed at home.

[Anonymous]

The way I see it, he just doesn't care about how this makes you feel. I am, if left to my own vices, will be like your husband. I won't bother being switched 'on' because there isn't someone else I want to please as a partner. But I make tons of mental notes to do this and that because my husband is like you, very particular about a lot of things (if he thinks the dish rack is full of dry items, he will literally throw them on the counter to get my attention). So I think you may want to question whether your husband really cares about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry. You do have two kids. Did his mommy spoil him rotten, and do everything for him?

OP here... in my opinion, yes. He had a SAHM and didn’t learn to do laundry till college. He barely knows how to cook. When we are at his parents house and he clears the table and does dishes, his mom practically throws a parade! I came from a home of two full time working parents. Where the cook doesn’t clean, I did my own laundry at 12, had daily chores, etc.

We’ve been together 15+ years and lived together 13 of those. It’s gotten so much worse since we had a child. It takes me breaking down, crying, every few months before he gets it ... for awhile and then it begins again.

Not that it matters, but income wise we are almost 50/50 so it should be the same at home!

I just LOST IT when he messed up my new car. We live so conservatively and I’ve waited forever to have a nice, new (to me) car.

Just to try to balance out this stereotype a little bit, I was a SAHM until my kids were both in school full time and I taught them to do their own laundry (including fold and put away) when they were tall enough to reach the controls, about 7 or 8. They not only cleared the table but sometimes cooked the meals. They cleaned their rooms and did chores around the house. It's not a SAHM vs WOHM thing, it's a values thing. My grown kids have told me they are grateful that their dad and I expected a lot of them and taught them how to survive in the world. Many of their friends and cousins are hopelessly helpless as adults.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry about your new car. I know that must be frustrating. Having a three year old is HARD. You crying every few months is not normal. I would get counseling for yourself and get your spouse to join you. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry. You do have two kids. Did his mommy spoil him rotten, and do everything for him?

OP here... in my opinion, yes. He had a SAHM and didn’t learn to do laundry till college. He barely knows how to cook. When we are at his parents house and he clears the table and does dishes, his mom practically throws a parade! I came from a home of two full time working parents. Where the cook doesn’t clean, I did my own laundry at 12, had daily chores, etc.

We’ve been together 15+ years and lived together 13 of those. It’s gotten so much worse since we had a child. It takes me breaking down, crying, every few months before he gets it ... for awhile and then it begins again.

Not that it matters, but income wise we are almost 50/50 so it should be the same at home!

I just LOST IT when he messed up my new car. We live so conservatively and I’ve waited forever to have a nice, new (to me) car.

I'm with you. Working women are usually getting a bad deal. This is why dual income parents do tons of outsourcing. Mom doesn't want double duty.

But why do we marry these lazy-as* mama's boy "men"?

Fiqure out "natural consequences" for him.

OP again... I get what you are saying but it always still ends up being my problem. Like with my car... he says he will take care of getting it fixed. But it will likely leave me without a car on a work day which I need for client meetings and will also cost money that yes, we have but no, I don’t want to spend on this.

You can't depend on him to take care of your car for whatever reason. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry. You do have two kids. Did his mommy spoil him rotten, and do everything for him?

OP here... in my opinion, yes. He had a SAHM and didn’t learn to do laundry till college. He barely knows how to cook. When we are at his parents house and he clears the table and does dishes, his mom practically throws a parade! I came from a home of two full time working parents. Where the cook doesn’t clean, I did my own laundry at 12, had daily chores, etc.

We’ve been together 15+ years and lived together 13 of those. It’s gotten so much worse since we had a child. It takes me breaking down, crying, every few months before he gets it ... for awhile and then it begins again.

Not that it matters, but income wise we are almost 50/50 so it should be the same at home!

I just LOST IT when he messed up my new car. We live so conservatively and I’ve waited forever to have a nice, new (to me) car.

Just to try to balance out this stereotype a little bit, I was a SAHM until my kids were both in school full time and I taught them to do their own laundry (including fold and put away) when they were tall enough to reach the controls, about 7 or 8. They not only cleared the table but sometimes cooked the meals. They cleaned their rooms and did chores around the house. It's not a SAHM vs WOHM thing, it's a values thing. My grown kids have told me they are grateful that their dad and I expected a lot of them and taught them how to survive in the world. Many of their friends and cousins are hopelessly helpless as adults.

This exactly.