Frustrated with Husband

[Anonymous]

As a rather spacey DW and I always appreciate the patience my husband shows when I do things like this (scratch the new car, ruin the new appliance, take the kids on a trip without my wallet, loose track of kid, etc). I hate that I am this way, but honestly, I think my DH lack of scolding, etc both helps me have less general anxiety (which in turn helps me focus) and also doesn’t make me look Ridiculous in front of the kids. Sure, they’ll figure out one day their mother Is a little spacey, but it wouldn’t help their general sense of security to see one parent loose it on the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:99% of garage doors with auto openers have sensors so they will not close if something like a HATCHBACK is in the way.

Perhaps you are in the 1%.

I guess? All I can tell you is it didn’t stop and it scratched my car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry about your new car. I know that must be frustrating. Having a three year old is HARD. You crying every few months is not normal. I would get counseling for yourself and get your spouse to join you. Good luck.

I agree with this post. While all of your issues are valid issues to be stressed about, it seems you're letting them weigh too much on you. You won't be able to change your husband so you need to start taking care of yourself. It sounds like you're letting all the little things that bother you mount and mount until you explode. As cliche as it is, you need some self-care time. Start prioritizing exercise or a hobby or whatever you need to unwind.

I know.... it all just builds up until I explode. I feel like it’s this or nag him to death. Neither are good options... I’m just asking him to ha d some self reflection and try to improve upon it.

[Anonymous]

Oh look this sh*t again

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The way I see it, he just doesn't care about how this makes you feel. I am, if left to my own vices, will be like your husband. I won't bother being switched 'on' because there isn't someone else I want to please as a partner. But I make tons of mental notes to do this and that because my husband is like you, very particular about a lot of things (if he thinks the dish rack is full of dry items, he will literally throw them on the counter to get my attention). So I think you may want to question whether your husband really cares about you.

Or in the grand scheme of life in a HHI a scatch on the door of a car is about number 100 on a list of thing to stress about or give to f’s about. He made a mistake, wife got po’d and cried over something that is a pretty minor thing.

[Anonymous]

The sensors protect a small child from having the door closed on top of them. The door will still try to close until the sensor makes it stop.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t read the whole thread, but don’t most automatic garage doors have a safety feature that they STOP when they note an obstruction?

I mean, our 10 year old one does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
ADHD traits. It runs in families, so watch out for your DD.

And I know I'm going to be castigated here by the crowd who hates to have that diagnosis brought up all the time, but here's the truth from a research scientist: it's more common than you think, and all mental disorders are on a spectrum, from non-existent to severe. There are lots of people walking about right now who have attention issues, maybe not to the level of a diagnosis, but enough to irritate their families and work colleagues.

Yep. My husband is similar and has untreated ADHD. After 23 years of marriage, it's left us on a thin tether, because I'm so strung out by having to overcompensate.

[Anonymous]

We don’t have enough information to understand the workings your relationship, but let me make a few assumptions and provide another perspective. Your husband might view you as a very controlling and always expecting things to be done your way. After being unable to live up to your expectation, he is angry. For example, you mention that he puts bowl full of spaghetti sauce into the dishwasher without rinsing. At an earlier point in your relationship, when he was doing dishes, did you ever scold him or try to teach him how you want the dishes done? Perhaps he felt like you were controlling him and over time just gave up and doesn’t give a ***t about doing a good job because whatever he does is wrong. Maybe he screws up the dishes on purpose so he can use it as an excuse for not doing them anymore so he doesn’t get told what to do.

My wife was incredibly controlling over little things and over the years (she was always right, I was always wrong). I generally just went go with the flow but the resentment built up to anger. For example, I did a few loads of laundry once and didn’t use a dryer sheet so she got annoyed (not angry, just nit picking). I would sometimes wipe down counters with a wet paper towel vs. the antibacterial wipe…more nit picking about why I’m doing it wrong. I didn’t wipe down the dishes completely before putting them in the dishwasher so she would have to come back around me and ‘fix it’. She never yelled at me, but it was like death by a thousand cuts. I started to withdraw from the relationship and just gave up. Fortunately, after some couples counseling, we’re back on a happy path, but it sucked for many years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read the whole thread, but don’t most automatic garage doors have a safety feature that they STOP when they note an obstruction?

I mean, our 10 year old one does.

OP here... the sensors are at the floor level, they will stop if those sense an obstruction, but they don't have sensors up high. The arm of the garage door struck the hatchback as it came down. I nearly got the hatchback lowered in time but there's like a 4" scratch and dent and a chunk of paint missing.

[Anonymous]

OP- my DH is like this too-- this year takes the cake. He got significantly more bonus money, stock, etc. and did not take the tax brackets into account. We owe so much federal income tax right now that it's making me physically nauseous.
Like your DH, he's moody and difficult when I try to be more controlling of these matters, but when I'm not, this is what happens. I do think he has mild, undiagnosed ADHD. Our DS has ADHD (via neuropsych) and it's an inherited condition.
Like many people with ADHD, my DH does well on things that he's focused on and interested in, and will procrastinate or be inattentive to other matters like paying bills, or reviewing important paperwork.
We had a sit down after this latest fiasco and made an agreement, that he will not be in charge of finances, but will have 50% of control and say so. I will manage bill paying, quarterly taxes, financial advisors and he will have all of the detail and input that he wants to have-- but I will make sure that what needs to happen, happens.
I just wonder if you can take inventory of your DH's strengths and have an honest conversation? Maybe you need to splurge to have someone help with housecleaning for awhile- or do what I do-- my DH is fantastic at all errands if he has a list. I send him to grocery store, Home Depot, car tune ups etc. He does all of the outside work (leaves, lawn, etc). There is enough of this that I am satisfied that our labor is balanced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- my DH is like this too-- this year takes the cake. He got significantly more bonus money, stock, etc. and did not take the tax brackets into account. We owe so much federal income tax right now that it's making me physically nauseous.
Like your DH, he's moody and difficult when I try to be more controlling of these matters, but when I'm not, this is what happens. I do think he has mild, undiagnosed ADHD. Our DS has ADHD (via neuropsych) and it's an inherited condition.
Like many people with ADHD, my DH does well on things that he's focused on and interested in, and will procrastinate or be inattentive to other matters like paying bills, or reviewing important paperwork.
We had a sit down after this latest fiasco and made an agreement, that he will not be in charge of finances, but will have 50% of control and say so. I will manage bill paying, quarterly taxes, financial advisors and he will have all of the detail and input that he wants to have-- but I will make sure that what needs to happen, happens.
I just wonder if you can take inventory of your DH's strengths and have an honest conversation? Maybe you need to splurge to have someone help with housecleaning for awhile- or do what I do-- my DH is fantastic at all errands if he has a list. I send him to grocery store, Home Depot, car tune ups etc. He does all of the outside work (leaves, lawn, etc). There is enough of this that I am satisfied that our labor is balanced.

Also, OP, you're going to have to accept that there are some things that will be a problem- the car hatchback. Your DH acted that way because you were justifiably angry and disappointed- he became defensive because he screwed up. It's very hard to control frustration when their behavior so directly impacts you- it's really important to let them know as respectfully as possible how you feel, then let it go. I know the car was symbolic, but it can fixed- words cannot be taken back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m here to commiserate, OP.

After a multi-thousand dollar mess-up and a blowout fight, DH started on Adderol and finally admitted he has major executive functioning issues. He also had a SAHM and a dad who did everything for him.

Unfortunately I suspect his job gets the benefit of the Adderol, that is, when he even remembers to take it. It’s been a month and I see no changes. We’ve tried therapy. It did nothing. After the fight, I told DH that if he can’t become a functioning adult, he’ll need to move out and learn to live on his own. He wants to function, and he’s trying with the drugs, but I don’t know what’s going to happen.

Did he make it through college?

OP here... yes, he has a bachelors and an MBA. High GPA for both (higher than mine TBH).

I’m a woman and I have adhd. I always had a stellar gpa, 99th percentile for test scores, high IQ, seemingly perfect student. That’s how I slipped through the cracks and wasn’t diagnosed until my 30s. I was also always messy, forgot to turn in homework without prompting (but was usually forgiven because I definitely knew how to do the work), I’d lose things, forget schedules, procrastinate...

It got worse when we had kids. Stress makes coping mechanisms that previously worked become ineffective. I’d miss appointments, forget about pajama or picture day. One time I made DH a sandwich for lunch and I just put 2 pieces of bread in his sandwich container and picked it in his work bag. I sucked, I was scatterbrained, but I was just barely able to get by. I kept the kids safe.

Then I got sick. Recovery was difficult. I had a few surgeries. Stress levels increased. I thought the anesthesia may have affected my brain. I couldn’t follow conversations well. People would talk to me and I wouldn’t even realize it. I was so unreliable because I forgot everything. I got clumsier. I became anxious and depressed. It finally got to the point where I struggled to fill out a field trip form for my kid because I couldn’t process the information on it. I forgot to pay our taxes that year. I thought I had early onset dementia. I talked to my doctor and eventually got an adhd diagnosis. My psychiatrist said the signs had been there all along, and at every stressful event it got a little worse, or seemed worse because my ways of managing the symptoms started failing.

All this to say, I did the same kind of stuff your DH did. A lot. It affected my marriage. The harder I tried, the more anxious I became, and the worse I’d perform. Medication helped significantly. Don’t discount adhd just because he made it through school with flying colors. The fact that he’s smart may have just been what helped mask his symptoms until he became a parent. The fact that he got worse after you had a baby is actually an argument for possible adhd rather than against it. And definitely keep an eye on your child because it’s inherited. Here’s a quick checklist to see if he has enough symptoms to ask for an evaluation. https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/adhd-quiz/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry about your new car. I know that must be frustrating. Having a three year old is HARD. You crying every few months is not normal. I would get counseling for yourself and get your spouse to join you. Good luck.

I agree with this post. While all of your issues are valid issues to be stressed about, it seems you're letting them weigh too much on you. You won't be able to change your husband so you need to start taking care of yourself. It sounds like you're letting all the little things that bother you mount and mount until you explode. As cliche as it is, you need some self-care time. Start prioritizing exercise or a hobby or whatever you need to unwind.

On the other hand, all the more reason to not get a new car. I don't know why people spend a boatload of money on a car which will just depreciate in value. Why not get a 2nd-hand one?

[Anonymous]

My DH is like this and he has ADHD. I've learned over the years to buy used cars that are already scratched and dented because it is only a matter of time before DH adds his own scratches and dents.