Frustrated with Husband

[Anonymous]

is there one crazy ADHD poster? Is that the answer for everything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:is there one crazy ADHD poster? Is that the answer for everything?

No and no. It’s actually a common and recognizable problem. There are a lot of people in our generation who weren’t diagnosed as children, who are finding out they have it as adults as we learn more about it.

As crazy as you think ADHD posters are, we think the anti ADHD posters are equally crazy for denying a recognizable medical condition that treatment has been shown to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry about your new car. I know that must be frustrating. Having a three year old is HARD. You crying every few months is not normal. I would get counseling for yourself and get your spouse to join you. Good luck.

I agree with this post. While all of your issues are valid issues to be stressed about, it seems you're letting them weigh too much on you. You won't be able to change your husband so you need to start taking care of yourself. It sounds like you're letting all the little things that bother you mount and mount until you explode. As cliche as it is, you need some self-care time. Start prioritizing exercise or a hobby or whatever you need to unwind.

On the other hand, all the more reason to not get a new car. I don't know why people spend a boatload of money on a car which will just depreciate in value. Why not get a 2nd-hand one?

OP here ... it's new to me. It's 3 years old. But it was in near perfect condition. And it didn't cost boatloads of money compared to what most people spend, but I drove my previous not so nice car for 12 years and this was a big deal to me to get something as nice as I did (even though 90% of people on here would not consider it a fancy car in any way shape or form.)

[Anonymous]

OP, your answer is your husband acts like this because:

1. he is irretrievably spoiled
2. he doesn't care about you
3. he's lazy
4. he's inattentive, possibly to the level of a diagnosis

If it's four- you will need a different paradigm for thinking about and reacting to these behaviors. Looking at it as a global issue that responds to systems of organization and possibly treatment can help you and save your marriage.

If it's 1-3, then it's a personality flaw that I, personally, wouldn't want to live with.

[Anonymous]

Just get your car fixed. Get a quote, make the appointment, and secure a rental car while it's in the shop. At some point, he will see a different car n your driveway, tell hm you have handled it YOUR WAY. Life it too short. This is not important in the scope of life.

[Anonymous]

Why was he driving it, if it is your car? If the hatchback still works, there is no rush to get it fixed. You could get some paint or a marker and color in the scratch. When you have a week off work, then get the dent fixed, if it even still bothers you by then. I remember getting mad at my DH when the interior of my new car got wrecked by a piece of lumber. I had forgotten until now. In the long run, it's not a big deal. Don't sweat the small stuff. If he leaves his phone in the restaurant, get your drink and ask him if he's missing anything. He can figure it out and get it himself. I would not trust him at all with your DD when she starts learning to swim. Take that on yourself and don't ever leave him with her in or near a pool. I feel a little better now. I came on here because my DH keeps almost catching the toaster oven on fire and refuses to change his behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your answer is your husband acts like this because:

1. he is irretrievably spoiled
2. he doesn't care about you
3. he's lazy
4. he's inattentive, possibly to the level of a diagnosis

If it's four- you will need a different paradigm for thinking about and reacting to these behaviors. Looking at it as a global issue that responds to systems of organization and possibly treatment can help you and save your marriage.

If it's 1-3, then it's a personality flaw that I, personally, wouldn't want to live with.

OP here ... I think it's a cross between #3 and #4.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry him?

He is a very kind person, smart, similar core values (ethics, morals, etc), very supportive of my careeer, we have good chemistry, he’s not bad to look at either.

I'm married to the same "brilliant at work or school (i.e. one trick pony)" ManChild.
I am 100% sure he has untreated ADHD - he forgets things, is unorganized, doesn't listen, blocks people out, can't see urgent matters right in front of him (door slam on childs finger, backs up vehicle & hits 3 yo), half @sses stuff around the house, brain goes AWOL while driving and misses exit ramps we do weekly, etc.etc. The hyperactivity side is his constant pacing around like a nervous wreck, or his waking up at 4 or 5am to do nothing, jittery legs, brain is always elsewhere something fierce. Never present. Never.

IT's heredity. His father is the same way, called the Absentminded Nutty Professor. now at age 75 people think it's dementia but he's been that way the last 10 years I've known him. The mother has to leave notes taped up all over the house. Steps 1-5 leaving the bathroom, Leaving the house, Cleaning the kitchen, Locking up the house, etc. It's asinine.
His youngest brother has it worst of all - can't hold down a job, says socially improper stuff all the time to family/friends/new coworkers, won't finish a 1 year grad program now in year 4, can't keep a girlfriend, terrible with money so Mom does everything there, constantly getting bailed out by the parents, and has a weird co-dependency with his parents too.

Would I ever bring it up to them? Hell no. They have an excuse for every setback they continue to suffer. They're delusional. The mom especially, she actually thinks a life of 2 steps forward, 1 step backwards every single day is normal. It's takes them 3x as long to do anything and usually 2 or 3 tries or redos. It's like NutsoVille visiting them.

Now I have to watch out that my kids have the ADHD. 2 nd or 3rd grade is when it would show up. Can they read or not? Sit still and listen? DO math? Follow multi-step orders?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your answer is your husband acts like this because:

1. he is irretrievably spoiled
2. he doesn't care about you
3. he's lazy
4. he's inattentive, possibly to the level of a diagnosis

If it's four- you will need a different paradigm for thinking about and reacting to these behaviors. Looking at it as a global issue that responds to systems of organization and possibly treatment can help you and save your marriage.

If it's 1-3, then it's a personality flaw that I, personally, wouldn't want to live with.

OP here ... I think it's a cross between #3 and #4.

OP, 4 definitely looks like 3. It's being unable to regulate attention long enough on something essential but uninteresting--people will assume "lazy" not because they love doing the dishes, but because they can focus long enough to do it well. I'm the earlier pp who suggested divided household labor into things that your DH is good at. You might be surprised at how equal less stressful things start to feel if you divide things differently.

The car would upset me too- but you will need to get it fixed and let it go. It wasn't malicious- your DH was in la la land and didn't hear you-- or he processes slowly and didn't change his course of action in time.

I think the worst thing you can do is continue to be frustrated and not make efforts to talk or change things in your marriage-- even going the marriage counseling route. It could get your DH to see some things about himself and how it affects both him and his family- if he's at the level where he needs some outside help, it might encourage him to seek it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
ADHD traits. It runs in families, so watch out for your DD.

And I know I'm going to be castigated here by the crowd who hates to have that diagnosis brought up all the time, but here's the truth from a research scientist: it's more common than you think, and all mental disorders are on a spectrum, from non-existent to severe. There are lots of people walking about right now who have attention issues, maybe not to the level of a diagnosis, but enough to irritate their families and work colleagues.

I'm 21:47 and had similar issues with my spouse. The thing about the ADHD "excuse" is, if this behavior is caused by an illness then why does it get better with time, couples counseling, and/or OP breaking down? These guys can fix their behavior, they just don't until divorce is on the line. It's in their control.

It frankly wouldn't shock me if my DH had ADHD (he was deeply hurt when I suggested it, so we'll never know). But him being a thoughtless man-child matches the facts at least as well. And there are SO MANY of these guys, I can't believe 75% of the male population has undiagnosed ADHD that mostly manifests after their first kid is born. This is cultural not biological.

If it gets better, then it's very mild and he can compensate if he's really motivated, or it was something else. My husband cannot get better to save his life, so for him it's severe ADHD (diagnosed by a professional).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:is there one crazy ADHD poster? Is that the answer for everything?

No and no. It’s actually a common and recognizable problem. There are a lot of people in our generation who weren’t diagnosed as children, who are finding out they have it as adults as we learn more about it.

As crazy as you think ADHD posters are, we think the anti ADHD posters are equally crazy for denying a recognizable medical condition that treatment has been shown to help.

Amen.

[Anonymous]

This is why I was polite about it but still tough as nails on my boyfriend/husband for the first couple of years. I felt kind of mean but I really loved him but knew I couldn’t stand to play years of mommy to a grown up and I explained that to him. It took awhile but once he got the hang of being a full adult, we could both relax and have harmony.

Now that we have a kid, I am so glad we worked it out beforehand. Cause I think it’s likely a losing battle when there’s young kids. I’d still try.

I think the other poster was right about letting him discover natural consequences and then don’t lift a finger to help. Let him deal with it. I have knowingly let my husband eff something up because I knew if I jumped in to save him, he wouldn’t learn. It usually only takes once anyway and they don’t forget.

Of course, never purposely let him really screw himself, just small stuff like forgetting his lunch, coat, phone etc. later after he has developed good habits and forgets you should say something but if it’s a constant problem sometimes you have to stand back and let him twist in the wind for awhile. Pretty much like how you would a teenage kid.

This is a tough one I think because the guy is a good guy, it’s not a reason to get divorced but who wants to live with this.

I’m sorry about your car. When I was a teenager, my single mom finally got to buy herself a brand new, cool car. Within a 48 hours someone at night school keyed “asshole” across the hood. There was a professor at school who had the exact same car. When I came home, I thought someone had died because she was balling so hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your answer is your husband acts like this because:

1. he is irretrievably spoiled
2. he doesn't care about you
3. he's lazy
4. he's inattentive, possibly to the level of a diagnosis

If it's four- you will need a different paradigm for thinking about and reacting to these behaviors. Looking at it as a global issue that responds to systems of organization and possibly treatment can help you and save your marriage.

If it's 1-3, then it's a personality flaw that I, personally, wouldn't want to live with.

OP here ... I think it's a cross between #3 and #4.

OP, 4 definitely looks like 3. It's being unable to regulate attention long enough on something essential but uninteresting--people will assume "lazy" not because they love doing the dishes, but because they can focus long enough to do it well. I'm the earlier pp who suggested divided household labor into things that your DH is good at. You might be surprised at how equal less stressful things start to feel if you divide things differently.

The car would upset me too- but you will need to get it fixed and let it go. It wasn't malicious- your DH was in la la land and didn't hear you-- or he processes slowly and didn't change his course of action in time.

I think the worst thing you can do is continue to be frustrated and not make efforts to talk or change things in your marriage-- even going the marriage counseling route. It could get your DH to see some things about himself and how it affects both him and his family- if he's at the level where he needs some outside help, it might encourage him to seek it.

This is so me. If I don’t take my medication, it takes me about 2 hours to load the dishes because I get distracted. On medicated days, I don’t even recognize the unmedicated me. It’s like I’m 2 people: the good me and my evil (distracted, flighty, flaky, forgetful) twin.

[Anonymous]

My DH is the same way. I don't think it's ADHD, it's somewhere between 3 and 4....I threatened mine with divorce or separation and only then he starts moving his arse. I outsourced cleaning, grass cutting, and I take care of our cars (maintenance/cleaning). I do it all when it comes to kids daycare payments, sick days, laundry, pick-up their toys, and etc. You have to give him things to do that he does well. We have piles of his clean laundry in the basement and his folded laundry laying around for months....etc. He does well at work, but everything else is a struggle. Fix the car yourself, but make his arse pay for it. I am speaking from experience, my DH constantly runs into our trash cans. Hugs OP and give him a set list of chores to do.