If you are the overweight spouse....
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Anonymous
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How do you want your spouse to support you? Express their concern for you regarding your weight? Express their concern for themselves and your future lives together? My DH is morbidly obese. He is addicted to food and goes through at least 3 cycles a year where he'll try to do something about it, and he inevitably fails. I have been through so many cycles that I can muster only minimal support and encouragement for the latest attempt at getting his weight under control. His parents have horrible weight-related issues, and he will too. I have said, kindly, that their path is his - it's only a matter of time.
I don't know what to do, and the resentment is building as I see his choices negatively impacting himself, and the future lives of myself and our kids. I am at a loss. I want to be kind, I want to be gentle, and I want to be supportive. But, after so many years of the cycles, the denial, the food addiction, and seeing his parents' spiraling health, I'm becoming desperate. |
Anonymous
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I would want my spouse to help me find healthy foods prepared in ways I like.
I want them to not bring in unhealthy foods that I binge on. Keep foods I like that are healthy stocked in our home. Offer to do physical things with me - keep me company on walks, offer to download good music onto my iPod, etc. |
Anonymous
Thank you for your thoughts. I definitely do all of these things. It is a little tricky as we have children, and while my DH wants to avoid carbs, we obviously aren't going to avoid all carbs for the kids. So, he'll binge on anything that is in the house, even if it is for the kids. I'm not talking about anything overtly junky, but SmartPop popcorn, granola bars, crackers, whole wheat bread, etc - anything we have at all, he will eat until it is gone. |
Anonymous
| He needs therapy with someone qualified in addiction behaviors and likely gastric bypass. I don't think there is anything you can do other than encourage him to see a therapist. Sorry. |
Anonymous
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Has he had a physical lately? Maybe some hard numbers (cholesterol, sugar, blood pressure etc.) will scare him?
He really has to want to change from within, but I think it is fair that you share your feelings on wanting him to be there for your kids' milestones. Then put it on him - ask him what you can do to help. |
Anonymous
| I’m 40lb overweight with a very slim spouse. I appreciate that he makes me feel beautiful no matter what and that he focused any comments or suggestions on my health and how I feel, not on my appearance. He doesn’t complain about not having snacks in the house or sabatoge me. He eats the healthy meals I prepare gladly. The only thing he doesn’t do is offer to take the kids once and a while so I can workout more or take over the morning routine so I can workout in the morning - he takes them to preschool, but I get them dressed and fed. |
Anonymous
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My mother has spent her entire life commenting on my weight. Mind you, as a child and a teenager I was MAYBE a size 4. So not obese. By college, I was a size 0 with mostly very bad eating habits. My mother's idea of dieting was not eating anything at all. Read that as not sustainable. So I would lose 10-15 lbs and gain 20 back. After I had my child I had terrible PPD and gained 70 lbs. She and everyone around me was constantly telling me "how I would be so pretty if I just lost the weight" and "they were just concerned for my health" etc. All that did was piss me off.
I finally had enough about a year and a half ago and really changed my habits. I lost the 70 lbs. I am in the best shape of my life. I work out and eat healthily. Guess what, every time I have a cookie or a beer my mother is right there commenting on literally everything I put in my mouth. I realize that this is her issue and not mine (she is overweight and has been her whole life). But damn it is annoying as hell. What you can do for your spouse. Stop placating him. If he expresses a will to do something about his weight be very realistic and straight with him. Tell him "you tried this before and it didn't work. time to try a new approach. Therapy, gastric bypass, whatever it takes." But ultimately realize that NOTHING, I repeat NOTHING you say or do will motivate him. He is the one that needs to come to terms with his weight. Accept the fact that he may never come to terms with it. I seriously doubt there is a single American that doesn't understand that food choices and lack of movement results in obesity. |
Anonymous
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I'm the thin spouse with a morbidly obese husband. I love him dearly and face many of the same issues that OP describes.
Part of what he has made me understand is that so much of this is actually out of his control. I think we thin people expect that healthy food and exercise, and a good attitude, will cure everything. And we blame fat people for not wanting to be thin enough. https://www.nytimes.com/2016/11/01/health/americans-obesity-willpower-genetics-study.html?smid=tw-nytimes&smtyp=cur I still want my husband to eat better and exercise more. I've also gotten more accustomed to understanding that his body wants to be fat, and that he struggles with what his body wants 24 hours a day, seven days a week. He does not get a vacation from his hunger. Sometimes he fights it better than he does at other times. It hurts him. It hurts him physically, it takes a huge emotional toll. He hates his body. I try to tell him that I love him and find him sexy, but he is in pain all the time, and his clothes don't fit, and he doesn't fit into airline seats, and he's broken chairs, and - you know. He has diabetes and high blood pressure. He's on a million different meds. I try to be supportive how I can. I encourage him to move around. We cook healthy meals. But it's hard for me to see him suffer like this - and it's hard for me to know that his body is always, always working against him - and it's even harder for him. I just love him so much, you know? |
Anonymous
This. More specifically to OP's actual question, how should she support? Answer: 1. privately do research on competent/frequent providers of the multiple types of bariatric surgery in your area-on your health plan. Set aside this info for later. 1.5. Do some internet reading about life after bariatric surgery and the mandatory lifestyle changes. This is no small change. 2. privately research likely therapists trained in addictive behaviors. Personally, I'd pick a psychiatrist who can prescribe, because I have seen up close the utility of certain meds for this kind of compulsive behavior. Wellbutrin is one, but there are others and I typically see them taken in combo. Set aside this info for later. 3. Have a firm, loving, specific conversation with your DH including your observations and conclusions. Your conclusions should definitely include PP's take above. Your DH has a mental illness and seeing it as such will help you reframe the conversation. This isn't about exercise, "healthy snacks," laziness, or going keto so your DH can be less plump and be the dynamo lover you once knew. Expect denial and resistance. Most Americans, fat and slim, still only see morbid obesity as a straightforward issue of willpower and self-control. Your husband's brain has actually been re-wired in its stimulation—>reward system, in the frontal lobe. 4. Find a therapist for yourself who is at least knowledgable about this constellation of symptoms and disease. You need a neutral sounding board who also isn't going to blithely suggest "after dinner walks" and less SmartPop in the house as an actual solution. Repeat 3 at intervals. Don't worry about granola bars too much, because even if you take them away, he'll buy them on the drive home. Yes, I'm internet diagnosing but I know of what I speak. I work in inpatient psych, fwiw. Good luck, and be gentle with yourself. |
Anonymous
| Losing weight is not a one solution problem. There are so many factors and variables. What you eat, when you eat it, how you feel about yourself, what activity you get, your health, etc. First, I'd stop letting him know that his weight is an issue. He knows this. Reminding him that you probably find him unattractive won't help. If he has issues controlling his binge-eating, he should talk to a doc, there are meds for that, and you can start by not buying the kids some snacks and storing them at home for a while. If he truly will eat anything in sight till it's gone, and all is in sight is celery and carrot sticks, then at least his health won't be the issue there. Cook healthy. Don't bring up the weight. Go on walks when the weather is nice. When he wears something new and nice fitting complement it. It's a long road. |
Anonymous
Thank you! And, you are so right. He buys crap food almost daily when he's out and about. It's like he wants me to 'catch' him though, because he does it with our credit card, which of course I can see on our statements. And there, plain as day, are multitudes of Krispy Kreme, Dunkin Donuts, McDonald's, etc. But yes, you are right - he will get the junk however he wants. It. Is. So. Frustrating. |
Anonymous
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Have you read The Obesity Code by Dr. Jason’s aging or seen any of his videos? I am a huge carb addict and was 120 pounds overweight and I have lost 70 pounds with intermittent fasting and extended fasting. I also try to stay low carb or keto when I’m eating but it is harder than fasting...I have FAR fewer cravings when I fast then when I eat at all.
There are also medications that can help a lot with binge eating. Contrave combines the antidepressant Wellbutrin with the opiate agonist Naltrexone, which is used for fighting alcoholism and opiate addiction. It essentially blunts the very real high that you get from bingeing, so the binges themselves are not as addictively rewarding. My DH supports my fasting by preparing all meals for the kids in fasting days, doing all of the grocery shopping to help keep me from foods that are really tempting, and encourages me all the time. We set goals together and he eats what I eat. Your kids don’t need lots of carbs. In fact, a ketogenic diet could be really good for their brain health and moods. I would drastically remove trigger foods from the house for him. You can do a lot with harm reduction for him. You can’t be abstinent from food and eating anything can trigger a binge, so help him by prepping low-carb things he could eat like pepperoni or bacon. Another really great book is “Why We Get Fat” by Gary’s taubes. It changed so much for me. |
Anonymous
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Do not do bariatric surgery without tasing Tye Ovesity Code and trying fasting first! You can get all of the benefits of bartiatric surgery simply by lowering your insulin levels through fasting.
If he is a legit food addict, the danger of bariatric surgery is the very real likelihood that he will gain all the weight back, plus have mutilated his digestive system and be absorbing less nutrients. I know fat too many people who have binged back all of the weight they lost through lap bands and gastric bypass. Dr. Eric Thorne, a cardiologist at Birginia Hospital Center, has a whole program that supports obese patients treating obesity with ketogenic diets. Lots of support, and maybe working with a cardiologist would motivate him? |
Anonymous
One thing I've noticed is that people (especially women) often lose weight after their kids go away to college. Suddenly there is no excuse to buy chips or candy. There isn't a reason anymore to provide a starchy side. It's a whole lot easier to avoid temptation if you don't have it in the house to begin with. I've been doing low carb for years and trust me it gets old toasting bagels for dh and picking up pizza for the kids when I'm trying to stay away from that stuff myself. Carbs are everywhere and you don't even realize just how everywhere they are until you are trying to avoid them. A bite here and a nibble there can add up very fast on a middle aged body. At any rate, my advice is to look at the carbs he's eating. Everything you mention that he is binging on is a carb! His blood sugar is totally out of whack and his body is sending him signals that he's starving and needs to eat carbs NOW. He needs to take those carbs out of his diet. Once he does that his appetite will stop going so haywire and he'll find that he has some control over his eating. |
Anonymous
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Another thing that really helps me is to get out and do things that do not revolve around eating...
Going window shopping, going to an art or craft festival, going to a concert or a theater performance, taking a walking tour of an historic area, touring college campuses if your kids will soon be college age.... Yes, there will be food EVERYWHERE. Just be aware of it and plan good choices together. |