If you are the overweight spouse....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you read The Obesity Code by Dr. Jason’s aging or seen any of his videos? I am a huge carb addict and was 120 pounds overweight and I have lost 70 pounds with intermittent fasting and extended fasting. I also try to stay low carb or keto when I’m eating but it is harder than fasting...I have FAR fewer cravings when I fast then when I eat at all.

There are also medications that can help a lot with binge eating. Contrave combines the antidepressant Wellbutrin with the opiate agonist Naltrexone, which is used for fighting alcoholism and opiate addiction. It essentially blunts the very real high that you get from bingeing, so the binges themselves are not as addictively rewarding.

My DH supports my fasting by preparing all meals for the kids in fasting days, doing all of the grocery shopping to help keep me from foods that are really tempting, and encourages me all the time. We set goals together and he eats what I eat.

Your kids don’t need lots of carbs. In fact, a ketogenic diet could be really good for their brain health and moods. I would drastically remove trigger foods from the house for him.

You can do a lot with harm reduction for him. You can’t be abstinent from food and eating anything can trigger a binge, so help him by prepping low-carb things he could eat like pepperoni or bacon.

Another really great book is “Why We Get Fat” by Gary’s taubes. It changed so much for me.

^This is a great post with some excellent advise.

[Anonymous]

I used to be the overweight one. Clinically pre-obese. I think what helped was the consistency of going to the gym with DH and strength training.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to be the overweight one. Clinically pre-obese. I think what helped was the consistency of going to the gym with DH and strength training.

Op's husband is morbidly obese. He needs to focus on diet first and foremost. Once he has a handle on diet then he can focus on adding some steps into his day. Op can help with that by finding things fun that they can go to together. What does he like, Op? Sports? Cars? Casinos? Concerts? Historic areas?

With me, I'm up for about anything .

[Anonymous]

I’m current.y the overweight spouse. I havent read the mother responses, because I want this to be “my” response.

I used to be super fit, and was for most of our relationship. I walked about 5 mi the morning of my scheduled c section. And then, I fell apart. We moved, and the cLimate, plus a child, plus a whole bunch of other things have put me overweight. I’m trying but I feel so overwhelmed right now.

For me, the most important thing is time. Give me time. His job is more flexible, but I watch DD and WAH. I don’t get out for walks, etc. Like I used to be able to. I’d love if he would jut take her, bathe her, etc. So my time to myself could be exercise, etc. Usually it’s a quick shower before I make dinner.

Support me when I ask to set the treadmill up again, or whatever. I know I don’t get out to walk anymore. The least I could do is work on the treadmill like I used to while DD naps. Every little counts.

Try new foods. I’m not asking him to love paleo or whatever, but at least be open to me making meals (I do 100%of the cooking), when I try to adapt them to be healthier. To be truthful, he is great, but his dietary needs are different and it’s a constant balance.

Please still tell me you love me, no matter how bad I look. I need to know that I’m still important to someone. This wasn’t my intention, but I’m trying to find my way back. If I feel it doesn’t matter because you’ve lost all interest in me, then it’s disheartening. I love you despite your flaws, which may not be weight, but are significant to me in other ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He needs therapy with someone qualified in addiction behaviors and likely gastric bypass. I don't think there is anything you can do other than encourage him to see a therapist. Sorry.

This.

More specifically to OP's actual question, how should she support?
Answer:
1. privately do research on competent/frequent providers of the multiple types of bariatric surgery in your area-on your health plan. Set aside this info for later.

1.5. Do some internet reading about life after bariatric surgery and the mandatory lifestyle changes. This is no small change.

2. privately research likely therapists trained in addictive behaviors. Personally, I'd pick a psychiatrist who can prescribe, because I have seen up close the utility of certain meds for this kind of compulsive behavior. Wellbutrin is one, but there are others and I typically see them taken in combo. Set aside this info for later.

3. Have a firm, loving, specific conversation with your DH including your observations and conclusions. Your conclusions should definitely include PP's take above. Your DH has a mental illness and seeing it as such will help you reframe the conversation. This isn't about exercise, "healthy snacks," laziness, or going keto so your DH can be less plump and be the dynamo lover you once knew.

Expect denial and resistance. Most Americans, fat and slim, still only see morbid obesity as a straightforward issue of willpower and self-control.

Your husband's brain has actually been re-wired in its stimulation—>reward system, in the frontal lobe.

4. Find a therapist for yourself who is at least knowledgable about this constellation of symptoms and disease. You need a neutral sounding board who also isn't going to blithely suggest "after dinner walks" and less SmartPop in the house as an actual solution.


Repeat 3 at intervals. Don't worry about granola bars too much, because even if you take them away, he'll buy them on the drive home.

Yes, I'm internet diagnosing but I know of what I speak. I work in inpatient psych, fwiw.

Good luck, and be gentle with yourself.

Do not push someone to have bariatric surgery if they're not independently motivated to do so. About a third of people who have bariatic surgery experience "addiction transfer" within the first two years after surgery, where they replace their compulsive eating habits with another compulsive addiction such as alcohol/drug abuse, gambling or shopping. If someone isn't in the right emotional place for that kind of drastic lifestyle change, the end result can be worse than where they were pre-surgery.

[Anonymous]

Everyone who was merely overweight isn’t helping. Getting chubby is completely different than morbid obesity.

[Anonymous]

Do not push someone to have bariatric surgery if they're not independently motivated to do so. About a third of people who have bariatic surgery experience "addiction transfer" within the first two years after surgery, where they replace their compulsive eating habits with another compulsive addiction such as alcohol/drug abuse, gambling or shopping. If someone isn't in the right emotional place for that kind of drastic lifestyle change, the end result can be worse than where they were pre-surgery.

Did you happen to read the part of my post that said, 1) privately research bariatric surgery and file it away for later? meaning, educate yourself, spouse, but don't say anything.

and (2) OP's husband needs to see a mental health provider, knowledgable in addictions, and this is the subject she should discuss with him? No?

then you probably also missed the part where I described in lay terms what you've just repeated above, about reward systems and compulsive behavior.

I am glad to see that you support my advice to OP, because it's sound.

I work in the field. Which is how I know OP has a tough road ahead and why I recommended that she explore separate therapy for herself. Because — and I hope I'm wrong, but — I don't foresee her DH making meaningful, lasting changes any time soon.

[Anonymous]

I’ve gained:

A) no comment -seriously I know, food is delicious, stress + babyweight is hard to lose when you have zero minutes of the day to take care of yourself.

B) don’t bring cookies / chocolate into the house or insist on always ordering pizza

C) eat crappy diet food with me

D) do some of the childcAre so I can go to the gym or back to yoga. That may just mean being willing to deal with 6 am kid wake ups and not whining that you go to bed late so..., we

[Anonymous]

Does he like you, or does he just tolerate you? Some people would rather become undesirable than be the one to break up.

[Anonymous]

You need to start cooking at home. So much of the obesity crisis in this country is because of people eating processed crap out of a box or ordering unhealthy food like pizza, McDonald's etc.

[Anonymous]

I lost approximately 100 lbss and am 5’2. This is my advice: (1) do not comment, hint or make any suggestions about my diet, my exercise, my health or my body; (2) do not bring crap in the house and do not use kids as an excuse; and (3) do not plan or commit to activities involving food which I will be expected to attend...celebrations do not need to involve food.

[Anonymous]

This is an addiction. Unless he sees it as such and is willing and motivated to do something about it, he is not going to change his eating.

I struggle with this with DH as well, and my own attitude about it. We do a lot of the things here - no junk in the house, limit the snacks we have for DD etc. DH is a late night snacker so if it’s not convenient he’s less likely to grab it. I do find candy wrappers in the car so he get it when he wants it, but we try not to make it easy.

I’ve asked him to stop spending money on “goal” clothes. He has half a closet of things he’s never worn and we don’t have disposable income for that. He’s been willing to do that, which decreases my frustration.

I try to make his eating an open topic without judgment. We’ve definitely had conversations about his health and being here for our family long term. I frame it in terms of my concerns and my feelings, not nagging. He’s receptive to the conversations. It doesn’t motivate any behavioral change, but it makes me feel better to say it out loud. So far, it keeps the resentment/frustration at bay. Somewhat.

I’ve stopped changing my habits for his new diets. I buy and prepare healthy meals for the family. If I can easily modify for carb free I do. Otherwise he modifies (when he’s carb free). He cooks a lot too, which helps. In that case I modify (add brown rice or sweet potato side). When he’s inconsistent and it pisses me off I tell him - hey, you’re putting me out here and not holding up your end of the bargain. But I try not to get sucked into the roller coaster of each new trend. I don’t discourage him, I just don’t go along for the ride.

These are my coping strategies and they’re imperfect. I can’t change his addiction and I work hard to not take it personally. I’ve suggested counseling for him, and considered it for me, but he isn’t interested and I haven’t prioritized it for myself yet.

One thing I will do to inconvenience myself is when he’s willing to exercise I’ll do what it takes to make that happen for him (extra child care responsibility, etc).

Good luck, OP. This is a hard path sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Former morbidly obese person here - I used to think I was addicted to food but went to a shrink and he said nope it’s impulse control. Started a low dose of Adderall and it made the difference immediately. I was able to stick to a diet plan, and I could actually substitute other activities for snacking without obsessing over the fact there was junk food in the kitchen and I could eat a couple of cookies for a dessert and stop instead of a couple handfuls and then go back for more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Former morbidly obese person here - I used to think I was addicted to food but went to a shrink and he said nope it’s impulse control. Started a low dose of Adderall and it made the difference immediately. I was able to stick to a diet plan, and I could actually substitute other activities for snacking without obsessing over the fact there was junk food in the kitchen and I could eat a couple of cookies for a dessert and stop instead of a couple handfuls and then go back for more.

This. My husband gained a massive amount of weight in large part bc he likes food and treated overeating like a joke. I really resented all the changes in our life once he became morbidly obese (I'm thin) and was angry with him all the time. He asked why I was angry and I told him. Suddenly he was able to lose weight and keep it off. Don't be a martyr or an enabler.

[Anonymous]

Get the processed crap out of the house. Bread, breakfast bars, cereals....pitch it.

When his body is more metabolically healthy you can try to incorporate that stuff back into your diet. But in the meantime, it is too much temptation. Try Keto. Seriously.