If you are the overweight spouse....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Behind every obese person in a marriage, there is a similarly messed up spouse with a whole bag of issues who is projecting their own issues on their obese partner

F off, you idiot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could you share this short quiz with him?
https://oa.org/newcomers/how-do-i-start/are-you-a-compulsive-overeater/

Encourage him to visit the website listed here, and help him find a local meeting of OA. Give him the time to go and to participate in the required activities -- having a sponsor, making phone calls, weighing and measuring food, etc. (I'd recommend OA HOW, which is the strictest form of OA myself, at least in the beginning.)

Encourage him to participate in the phone meetings as well.

Once I got the emotional stuff under control through OA, I have been able to lose more with medical weight loss and medication. OA will give him a sponsor, who is someone like him -- not like you -- who truly understands where he is at and where he has been. The support is crucial. He cannot do this alone.

+1

Been going to OA meetings for 3 years.

[Anonymous]

I'm not obese but I fluctuate frequently between normal and overweight both before and after we got married.

My spouse (and his family) are gifted with incredible genes and can generally eat whatever they want. My MIL has incredible discipline and will eat cottage cheese and celery when she "shockingly" gains 2 lbs. Point being, spouse never encountered real, up close weight issues before me.

I appreciated it when he was very supportive, offered to do things together or gave me ample opportunity to workout, recognized how difficult it was for me, and generally helped me get the resourced I needed to address it. I didn't appreciate it, to say the least, when he avoided taking pictures with me, commented on how my face was getting too round, would comment on how I can't wear certain things (when I would get compliments on them at work) because they made me look fat, and was generally unsympathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not obese but I fluctuate frequently between normal and overweight both before and after we got married.

My spouse (and his family) are gifted with incredible genes and can generally eat whatever they want. My MIL has incredible discipline and will eat cottage cheese and celery when she "shockingly" gains 2 lbs. Point being, spouse never encountered real, up close weight issues before me.

I appreciated it when he was very supportive, offered to do things together or gave me ample opportunity to workout, recognized how difficult it was for me, and generally helped me get the resourced I needed to address it. I didn't appreciate it, to say the least, when he avoided taking pictures with me, commented on how my face was getting too round, would comment on how I can't wear certain things (when I would get compliments on them at work) because they made me look fat, and was generally unsympathetic.

Avoided taking pictures with you? Dang. That's horrible.

[Anonymous]

Him wanting you to catch him makes me wonder how his relationship was with his mother.

I ask because it sounds mother-ish, you having to notice and correct his behavior.

I know weight issues are extremely complex and there's a plethora of contributing factors. But I wonder if he's trying to create a dynamic of being 'in trouble' for being 'bad.' Like if you care better than his mom did or soothe or whatever it is he missed out on as a kid. Attention, guidance, whatever.

If this is your sense of the junk food issue when he's out. Which isn't healthy obviously for your marriage, or you or him. Just an insight from one of your follow ups. And a bit of been there done that (and divorced) from an ex who created situations where I was authority.

[Anonymous]

Only your spouse can decide to take control of their health. At this point I would ask him to go to therapy. If he says no I would consult a divoce attorney and tell him your plans to protect your future. Maybe him hitting rock bottom will spur him on.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately I don’t think there’s much a spouse can do. One of my family members has been morbidly obese for 30+ years, his wife is a nutritionist and exercise coach, and he still never lost the weight. He talks a lot about dieting and his wife cooks all healthy food but he just eats junk all day long at work and even sneaks out to run “errands” and binges in his car.. He’s now in his 60s, is in and out of the hospital all the time, and is nearly incapacitated. His poor wife has to wait on him hand and foot. He’d be screwed if she left him but I doubt she ever will.

I really think the only way to deal with this is to treat it like an addiction and issue the ultimatum that they either get healthy or you walk.