If you are the overweight spouse....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you want your spouse to support you? Express their concern for you regarding your weight? Express their concern for themselves and your future lives together? My DH is morbidly obese. He is addicted to food and goes through at least 3 cycles a year where he'll try to do something about it, and he inevitably fails. I have been through so many cycles that I can muster only minimal support and encouragement for the latest attempt at getting his weight under control. His parents have horrible weight-related issues, and he will too. I have said, kindly, that their path is his - it's only a matter of time.

I don't know what to do, and the resentment is building as I see his choices negatively impacting himself, and the future lives of myself and our kids.

I am at a loss. I want to be kind, I want to be gentle, and I want to be supportive. But, after so many years of the cycles, the denial, the food addiction, and seeing his parents' spiraling health, I'm becoming desperate.

Keep it out of the house and cook at home, reduce going out to restaurants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you want your spouse to support you? Express their concern for you regarding your weight? Express their concern for themselves and your future lives together? My DH is morbidly obese. He is addicted to food and goes through at least 3 cycles a year where he'll try to do something about it, and he inevitably fails. I have been through so many cycles that I can muster only minimal support and encouragement for the latest attempt at getting his weight under control. His parents have horrible weight-related issues, and he will too. I have said, kindly, that their path is his - it's only a matter of time.

I don't know what to do, and the resentment is building as I see his choices negatively impacting himself, and the future lives of myself and our kids.

I am at a loss. I want to be kind, I want to be gentle, and I want to be supportive. But, after so many years of the cycles, the denial, the food addiction, and seeing his parents' spiraling health, I'm becoming desperate.

Keep it out of the house and cook at home, reduce going out to restaurants.

How many lbs did you get your morbidly obese spouse to lose with this strategy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you read The Obesity Code by Dr. Jason’s aging or seen any of his videos? I am a huge carb addict and was 120 pounds overweight and I have lost 70 pounds with intermittent fasting and extended fasting. I also try to stay low carb or keto when I’m eating but it is harder than fasting...I have FAR fewer cravings when I fast then when I eat at all.

There are also medications that can help a lot with binge eating. Contrave combines the antidepressant Wellbutrin with the opiate agonist Naltrexone, which is used for fighting alcoholism and opiate addiction. It essentially blunts the very real high that you get from bingeing, so the binges themselves are not as addictively rewarding.

My DH supports my fasting by preparing all meals for the kids in fasting days, doing all of the grocery shopping to help keep me from foods that are really tempting, and encourages me all the time. We set goals together and he eats what I eat.

Your kids don’t need lots of carbs. In fact, a ketogenic diet could be really good for their brain health and moods. I would drastically remove trigger foods from the house for him.

You can do a lot with harm reduction for him. You can’t be abstinent from food and eating anything can trigger a binge, so help him by prepping low-carb things he could eat like pepperoni or bacon.

Another really great book is “Why We Get Fat” by Gary’s taubes. It changed so much for me.

^This is a great post with some excellent advise.

It seems really messed up to not have sandwich bread for the kids while he’s binging at McDonalds on the way home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you want your spouse to support you? Express their concern for you regarding your weight? Express their concern for themselves and your future lives together? My DH is morbidly obese. He is addicted to food and goes through at least 3 cycles a year where he'll try to do something about it, and he inevitably fails. I have been through so many cycles that I can muster only minimal support and encouragement for the latest attempt at getting his weight under control. His parents have horrible weight-related issues, and he will too. I have said, kindly, that their path is his - it's only a matter of time.

I don't know what to do, and the resentment is building as I see his choices negatively impacting himself, and the future lives of myself and our kids.

I am at a loss. I want to be kind, I want to be gentle, and I want to be supportive. But, after so many years of the cycles, the denial, the food addiction, and seeing his parents' spiraling health, I'm becoming desperate.

Keep it out of the house and cook at home, reduce going out to restaurants.

How many lbs did you get your morbidly obese spouse to lose with this strategy?

You can't dictate what your morbidly obese spouse eats. If he goes out and eats a bucket of fried chicken that's on him. If you bring home a bucket of fried chicken and he wolfs it down that's on you for bringing that temptation home and placing it right in front of his nose.

I'm fat and I go into the mentality that I was in when I waited tables. I never ate on the job when I worked in a restaurant. That's how I can be around and even cook food for my family that I can't have. As long as I get into that food service worker mindset I'm fine. But if I fall into the customer mentality....yikes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you read The Obesity Code by Dr. Jason’s aging or seen any of his videos? I am a huge carb addict and was 120 pounds overweight and I have lost 70 pounds with intermittent fasting and extended fasting. I also try to stay low carb or keto when I’m eating but it is harder than fasting...I have FAR fewer cravings when I fast then when I eat at all.

There are also medications that can help a lot with binge eating. Contrave combines the antidepressant Wellbutrin with the opiate agonist Naltrexone, which is used for fighting alcoholism and opiate addiction. It essentially blunts the very real high that you get from bingeing, so the binges themselves are not as addictively rewarding.

My DH supports my fasting by preparing all meals for the kids in fasting days, doing all of the grocery shopping to help keep me from foods that are really tempting, and encourages me all the time. We set goals together and he eats what I eat.

Your kids don’t need lots of carbs. In fact, a ketogenic diet could be really good for their brain health and moods. I would drastically remove trigger foods from the house for him.

You can do a lot with harm reduction for him. You can’t be abstinent from food and eating anything can trigger a binge, so help him by prepping low-carb things he could eat like pepperoni or bacon.

Another really great book is “Why We Get Fat” by Gary’s taubes. It changed so much for me.

^This is a great post with some excellent advise.

It seems really messed up to not have sandwich bread for the kids while he’s binging at McDonalds on the way home.

You wanted advice, and you got it.

I agree that your kids do not need a lot of carbs. The carbs they do eat should come from fruit and vegetables. You cannot control what your husband does on his ride home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you read The Obesity Code by Dr. Jason’s aging or seen any of his videos? I am a huge carb addict and was 120 pounds overweight and I have lost 70 pounds with intermittent fasting and extended fasting. I also try to stay low carb or keto when I’m eating but it is harder than fasting...I have FAR fewer cravings when I fast then when I eat at all.

There are also medications that can help a lot with binge eating. Contrave combines the antidepressant Wellbutrin with the opiate agonist Naltrexone, which is used for fighting alcoholism and opiate addiction. It essentially blunts the very real high that you get from bingeing, so the binges themselves are not as addictively rewarding.

My DH supports my fasting by preparing all meals for the kids in fasting days, doing all of the grocery shopping to help keep me from foods that are really tempting, and encourages me all the time. We set goals together and he eats what I eat.

Your kids don’t need lots of carbs. In fact, a ketogenic diet could be really good for their brain health and moods. I would drastically remove trigger foods from the house for him.

You can do a lot with harm reduction for him. You can’t be abstinent from food and eating anything can trigger a binge, so help him by prepping low-carb things he could eat like pepperoni or bacon.

Another really great book is “Why We Get Fat” by Gary’s taubes. It changed so much for me.

^This is a great post with some excellent advise.

This has been helpful for me as well. I find that intermittent fasting helps with the food obsession component. I have lost about 30 pounds over the last year and haven't really changed what I eat at all (that's the next issue to tackle) I have trained myself not to eat before 11 (and I usually make it to 1:30) I am done with eating by 7pm. If I want to eat 4 times in that hour I do, and sometimes that includes taco bell. It doesn't feel like a sacrifice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Do not push someone to have bariatric surgery if they're not independently motivated to do so. About a third of people who have bariatic surgery experience "addiction transfer" within the first two years after surgery, where they replace their compulsive eating habits with another compulsive addiction such as alcohol/drug abuse, gambling or shopping. If someone isn't in the right emotional place for that kind of drastic lifestyle change, the end result can be worse than where they were pre-surgery.

Did you happen to read the part of my post that said, 1) privately research bariatric surgery and file it away for later? meaning, educate yourself, spouse, but don't say anything.

and (2) OP's husband needs to see a mental health provider, knowledgable in addictions, and this is the subject she should discuss with him? No?

then you probably also missed the part where I described in lay terms what you've just repeated above, about reward systems and compulsive behavior.

I am glad to see that you support my advice to OP, because it's sound.

I work in the field. Which is how I know OP has a tough road ahead and why I recommended that she explore separate therapy for herself. Because — and I hope I'm wrong, but — I don't foresee her DH making meaningful, lasting changes any time soon.

There is no reason for OP to secretly research bariatric surgery. If her spouse were to eventually decide on his own that bariatric surgery is the right option for him, he's more than capable of doing that research himself.

[Anonymous]

You need to treat this as those it's an addiction. You cannot force an addict to get help. All you can do is provide a clean & healthy environment, which of course means a clean & healthy environment for you and the kids too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He needs therapy with someone qualified in addiction behaviors and likely gastric bypass. I don't think there is anything you can do other than encourage him to see a therapist. Sorry.

This.

More specifically to OP's actual question, how should she support?
Answer:
1. privately do research on competent/frequent providers of the multiple types of bariatric surgery in your area-on your health plan. Set aside this info for later.

1.5. Do some internet reading about life after bariatric surgery and the mandatory lifestyle changes. This is no small change.

2. privately research likely therapists trained in addictive behaviors. Personally, I'd pick a psychiatrist who can prescribe, because I have seen up close the utility of certain meds for this kind of compulsive behavior. Wellbutrin is one, but there are others and I typically see them taken in combo. Set aside this info for later.

3. Have a firm, loving, specific conversation with your DH including your observations and conclusions. Your conclusions should definitely include PP's take above. Your DH has a mental illness and seeing it as such will help you reframe the conversation. This isn't about exercise, "healthy snacks," laziness, or going keto so your DH can be less plump and be the dynamo lover you once knew.

Expect denial and resistance. Most Americans, fat and slim, still only see morbid obesity as a straightforward issue of willpower and self-control.

Your husband's brain has actually been re-wired in its stimulation—>reward system, in the frontal lobe.

4. Find a therapist for yourself who is at least knowledgable about this constellation of symptoms and disease. You need a neutral sounding board who also isn't going to blithely suggest "after dinner walks" and less SmartPop in the house as an actual solution.


Repeat 3 at intervals. Don't worry about granola bars too much, because even if you take them away, he'll buy them on the drive home.

Yes, I'm internet diagnosing but I know of what I speak. I work in inpatient psych, fwiw.

Good luck, and be gentle with yourself.

Thank you! And, you are so right. He buys crap food almost daily when he's out and about. It's like he wants me to 'catch' him though, because he does it with our credit card, which of course I can see on our statements. And there, plain as day, are multitudes of Krispy Kreme, Dunkin Donuts, McDonald's, etc. But yes, you are right - he will get the junk however he wants. It. Is. So. Frustrating.

Op, that is hard. You can not do this for him. If he is hellbent on doing this to himself then there is really not a whole lot you can do. You can eat like a saint at home, walk with him and if he is running out and buying himself a dozen glazed donuts after eating an egg white omelet at home with you he is undoing everything you just helped him to do for himself.

If he doesn't want to do this it is never going to happen for him. I am sorry.

Maybe try a psychiatrist and see if he can be prescribed something that will help.

[Anonymous]

Why sit around and watch your DH eat themselves to death. You need to leave his fat ass, that’s the only way he will get it.

[Anonymous]

If he was appreciative of your support and on board with you about cleaning up his diet that would be one thing. But him not even trying....that does not bode well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why sit around and watch your DH eat themselves to death. You need to leave his fat ass, that’s the only way he will get it.

You are horrible. Please leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
There are also medications that can help a lot with binge eating. Contrave combines the antidepressant Wellbutrin with the opiate agonist Naltrexone, which is used for fighting alcoholism and opiate addiction. It essentially blunts the very real high that you get from bingeing, so the binges themselves are not as addictively rewarding.

Vyvanse can now be prescribed for BED too and has helped me tremendously.

But OP, your husband needs to arrive at the point of wanting that/needing that on his own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why sit around and watch your DH eat themselves to death. You need to leave his fat ass, that’s the only way he will get it.

You are horrible. Please leave.

Actually leaving him would likely push him to make a big change or push him to double down on obesity. It’s 50/50.

Continuing with the status quo means he continues with the obesity trajectory. That’s reality. Decide if you care enough to try a gamble or if you want resign yourself to dealing with heart attacks at 40 and diabetes shortly thereafter. Forget about travel, your plans as a family will revolve around your DHs appetite.

[Anonymous]

Could you share this short quiz with him?
https://oa.org/newcomers/how-do-i-start/are-you-a-compulsive-overeater/

Encourage him to visit the website listed here, and help him find a local meeting of OA. Give him the time to go and to participate in the required activities -- having a sponsor, making phone calls, weighing and measuring food, etc. (I'd recommend OA HOW, which is the strictest form of OA myself, at least in the beginning.)

Encourage him to participate in the phone meetings as well.

Once I got the emotional stuff under control through OA, I have been able to lose more with medical weight loss and medication. OA will give him a sponsor, who is someone like him -- not like you -- who truly understands where he is at and where he has been. The support is crucial. He cannot do this alone.