If you are the overweight spouse....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why sit around and watch your DH eat themselves to death. You need to leave his fat ass, that’s the only way he will get it.

You are horrible. Please leave.

The man is not even trying. Op can be supportive but she can not lose the weight for him!

If I had a spouse that was pretending to clean up their diet at home but I found out that they were going through the drive thru on their way home from work every evening and stopping off at the donut shop every morning...I would be upset. And I'm the fat spouse!

At least give the diet an honest effort and if you don't - don't lie about it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Do not push someone to have bariatric surgery if they're not independently motivated to do so. About a third of people who have bariatic surgery experience "addiction transfer" within the first two years after surgery, where they replace their compulsive eating habits with another compulsive addiction such as alcohol/drug abuse, gambling or shopping. If someone isn't in the right emotional place for that kind of drastic lifestyle change, the end result can be worse than where they were pre-surgery.

Did you happen to read the part of my post that said, 1) privately research bariatric surgery and file it away for later? meaning, educate yourself, spouse, but don't say anything.

and (2) OP's husband needs to see a mental health provider, knowledgable in addictions, and this is the subject she should discuss with him? No?

then you probably also missed the part where I described in lay terms what you've just repeated above, about reward systems and compulsive behavior.

I am glad to see that you support my advice to OP, because it's sound.

I work in the field. Which is how I know OP has a tough road ahead and why I recommended that she explore separate therapy for herself. Because — and I hope I'm wrong, but — I don't foresee her DH making meaningful, lasting changes any time soon.

There is no reason for OP to secretly research bariatric surgery. If her spouse were to eventually decide on his own that bariatric surgery is the right option for him, he's more than capable of doing that research himself.

+1

Additionally, as my (obese) husband discovered when he researched the surgery - most insurance doesn't cover it. We were looking at tens of thousands of dollars out of pocket to pay for it. And this was even when his doctor was recommending the surgery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why sit around and watch your DH eat themselves to death. You need to leave his fat ass, that’s the only way he will get it.

You are horrible. Please leave.

Actually leaving him would likely push him to make a big change or push him to double down on obesity. It’s 50/50.

Continuing with the status quo means he continues with the obesity trajectory. That’s reality. Decide if you care enough to try a gamble or if you want resign yourself to dealing with heart attacks at 40 and diabetes shortly thereafter. Forget about travel, your plans as a family will revolve around your DHs appetite.

I say this with love: GFY

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Do not push someone to have bariatric surgery if they're not independently motivated to do so. About a third of people who have bariatic surgery experience "addiction transfer" within the first two years after surgery, where they replace their compulsive eating habits with another compulsive addiction such as alcohol/drug abuse, gambling or shopping. If someone isn't in the right emotional place for that kind of drastic lifestyle change, the end result can be worse than where they were pre-surgery.

Did you happen to read the part of my post that said, 1) privately research bariatric surgery and file it away for later? meaning, educate yourself, spouse, but don't say anything.

and (2) OP's husband needs to see a mental health provider, knowledgable in addictions, and this is the subject she should discuss with him? No?

then you probably also missed the part where I described in lay terms what you've just repeated above, about reward systems and compulsive behavior.

I am glad to see that you support my advice to OP, because it's sound.

I work in the field. Which is how I know OP has a tough road ahead and why I recommended that she explore separate therapy for herself. Because — and I hope I'm wrong, but — I don't foresee her DH making meaningful, lasting changes any time soon.

There is no reason for OP to secretly research bariatric surgery. If her spouse were to eventually decide on his own that bariatric surgery is the right option for him, he's more than capable of doing that research himself.

+1

Additionally, as my (obese) husband discovered when he researched the surgery - most insurance doesn't cover it. We were looking at tens of thousands of dollars out of pocket to pay for it. And this was even when his doctor was recommending the surgery.

They expect a certain amount of lifestyle change before they will even do the surgery. This isn't one of those things where you get the surgery instead of dieting. Oh no, you diet before the surgery and then after the surgery you will have restrictions on what/how much you can eat. People have been know to get the surgery and then figure out ways to still ingest calories. Any weight that they lose initially they gain right back and then some.

This man does not sound like a good candidate for this surgery at all! It is not an "easy" way out. It is a last resort for people who feel that they have no other choice and want to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother has spent her entire life commenting on my weight. Mind you, as a child and a teenager I was MAYBE a size 4. So not obese. By college, I was a size 0 with mostly very bad eating habits. My mother's idea of dieting was not eating anything at all. Read that as not sustainable. So I would lose 10-15 lbs and gain 20 back. After I had my child I had terrible PPD and gained 70 lbs. She and everyone around me was constantly telling me "how I would be so pretty if I just lost the weight" and "they were just concerned for my health" etc. All that did was piss me off.

I finally had enough about a year and a half ago and really changed my habits. I lost the 70 lbs. I am in the best shape of my life. I work out and eat healthily. Guess what, every time I have a cookie or a beer my mother is right there commenting on literally everything I put in my mouth. I realize that this is her issue and not mine (she is overweight and has been her whole life). But damn it is annoying as hell.

What you can do for your spouse. Stop placating him. If he expresses a will to do something about his weight be very realistic and straight with him. Tell him "you tried this before and it didn't work. time to try a new approach. Therapy, gastric bypass, whatever it takes." But ultimately realize that NOTHING, I repeat NOTHING you say or do will motivate him. He is the one that needs to come to terms with his weight. Accept the fact that he may never come to terms with it. I seriously doubt there is a single American that doesn't understand that food choices and lack of movement results in obesity.

I'm so sorry pp. My mother is like this too, except is thin. It's bad because she gets only positive feedback for her extremely disordered eating (like at one point in her 50s she decided the best thing to do was to only eat Cheerios. As her only food). But people always tell her how nice she looks. When she started telling my 6 year old that she was overweight and needed to diet I decided we needed less Grandma in our lives.

[Anonymous]

Behind every obese person in a marriage, there is a similarly messed up spouse with a whole bag of issues who is projecting their own issues on their obese partner

[Anonymous]

I’m overweight and have tried all the diets. Atkins, south beach, WW, intermittent fasting, etc.
during this time, my Dh hounded me about what I ate. He used all kinds of tactics to encourage me to go to the gym. He bothered me about getting my cholesterol checked, blood pressure. Don’t you want to be around for the kids!?, he said.
if I went for a short walk, I got proud of myself only to walk in the door and be met with, “you’re already back?”
He’s very fit and I felt like hell every time he did this stuff.
Then my DH started getting treatment for unrelated anxiety, work stress stuff. He started meditating. Yoga.
He isn’t irritable anymore, he’s very pleasant. I actually want to spend time with him. “Let’s go for a walk after dinner” becomes quality time.
So that was about a year ago. In the last two months I’ve opened up to him, sharing that I want to lose weight but I feel so defeated. He told me, you can do it, you’ve got this. I have lost 10 lbs over this time period by eating healthy fruits and vegetables and lean meats. I noticed I don’t crave foods, hide foods, emotional eat. I talk to my husband and tell him truthfully about stuffing a bag of chips in my mouth. He said, tomorrow’s another day.
This is extraordinary. My husband changed himself and left me alone for a year and we are closer. I am healthier.
Work on yourself. Read about codependency and learn some tips from the 12 step program. Deal with your resentment. Not by trying to change him but by being emotionally healthy. If your goal is to change him, you’ve already lost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Behind every obese person in a marriage, there is a similarly messed up spouse with a whole bag of issues who is projecting their own issues on their obese partner

Well the overwrought judgement from casual observers does not help matters!

What makes you think that an overweight person can't have a good relationship with their spouse. Look around - they do!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother has spent her entire life commenting on my weight. Mind you, as a child and a teenager I was MAYBE a size 4. So not obese. By college, I was a size 0 with mostly very bad eating habits. My mother's idea of dieting was not eating anything at all. Read that as not sustainable. So I would lose 10-15 lbs and gain 20 back. After I had my child I had terrible PPD and gained 70 lbs. She and everyone around me was constantly telling me "how I would be so pretty if I just lost the weight" and "they were just concerned for my health" etc. All that did was piss me off.

I finally had enough about a year and a half ago and really changed my habits. I lost the 70 lbs. I am in the best shape of my life. I work out and eat healthily. Guess what, every time I have a cookie or a beer my mother is right there commenting on literally everything I put in my mouth. I realize that this is her issue and not mine (she is overweight and has been her whole life). But damn it is annoying as hell.

What you can do for your spouse. Stop placating him. If he expresses a will to do something about his weight be very realistic and straight with him. Tell him "you tried this before and it didn't work. time to try a new approach. Therapy, gastric bypass, whatever it takes." But ultimately realize that NOTHING, I repeat NOTHING you say or do will motivate him. He is the one that needs to come to terms with his weight. Accept the fact that he may never come to terms with it. I seriously doubt there is a single American that doesn't understand that food choices and lack of movement results in obesity.

I'm so sorry pp. My mother is like this too, except is thin. It's bad because she gets only positive feedback for her extremely disordered eating (like at one point in her 50s she decided the best thing to do was to only eat Cheerios. As her only food). But people always tell her how nice she looks. When she started telling my 6 year old that she was overweight and needed to diet I decided we needed less Grandma in our lives.

OMG. I think we have the same mother! My mother also only eats dry cereal, usually cheerios. No milk. She has a complete set of dentures and has shrunk about two inches due to osteoporosis but she's thin! She's also had kidney stones and a few other ailments related to her bizarre diet but yet she recommends it all the time. Oh, she also eats M and M's.

[Anonymous]

OP - have you tried asking him how you can best support him in his efforts? Tell him that you love him and hope to spend many more years/decades loving him. Then ask what you can do to be supportive!

[Anonymous]

Give him more bacon and baked beans!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He needs therapy with someone qualified in addiction behaviors and likely gastric bypass. I don't think there is anything you can do other than encourage him to see a therapist. Sorry.

This.

More specifically to OP's actual question, how should she support?
Answer:
1. privately do research on competent/frequent providers of the multiple types of bariatric surgery in your area-on your health plan. Set aside this info for later.

1.5. Do some internet reading about life after bariatric surgery and the mandatory lifestyle changes. This is no small change.

2. privately research likely therapists trained in addictive behaviors. Personally, I'd pick a psychiatrist who can prescribe, because I have seen up close the utility of certain meds for this kind of compulsive behavior. Wellbutrin is one, but there are others and I typically see them taken in combo. Set aside this info for later.

3. Have a firm, loving, specific conversation with your DH including your observations and conclusions. Your conclusions should definitely include PP's take above. Your DH has a mental illness and seeing it as such will help you reframe the conversation. This isn't about exercise, "healthy snacks," laziness, or going keto so your DH can be less plump and be the dynamo lover you once knew.

Expect denial and resistance. Most Americans, fat and slim, still only see morbid obesity as a straightforward issue of willpower and self-control.

Your husband's brain has actually been re-wired in its stimulation—>reward system, in the frontal lobe.

4. Find a therapist for yourself who is at least knowledgable about this constellation of symptoms and disease. You need a neutral sounding board who also isn't going to blithely suggest "after dinner walks" and less SmartPop in the house as an actual solution.


Repeat 3 at intervals. Don't worry about granola bars too much, because even if you take them away, he'll buy them on the drive home.

Yes, I'm internet diagnosing but I know of what I speak. I work in inpatient psych, fwiw.

Good luck, and be gentle with yourself.

Thank you! And, you are so right. He buys crap food almost daily when he's out and about. It's like he wants me to 'catch' him though, because he does it with our credit card, which of course I can see on our statements. And there, plain as day, are multitudes of Krispy Kreme, Dunkin Donuts, McDonald's, etc. But yes, you are right - he will get the junk however he wants. It. Is. So. Frustrating.

If he really, really wants to change, no cc. He can pack lunch, use a store gift card designated as just for gas. Food purchases done with you present will be healthier, better if he never goes inside.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you read The Obesity Code by Dr. Jason’s aging or seen any of his videos? I am a huge carb addict and was 120 pounds overweight and I have lost 70 pounds with intermittent fasting and extended fasting. I also try to stay low carb or keto when I’m eating but it is harder than fasting...I have FAR fewer cravings when I fast then when I eat at all.

There are also medications that can help a lot with binge eating. Contrave combines the antidepressant Wellbutrin with the opiate agonist Naltrexone, which is used for fighting alcoholism and opiate addiction. It essentially blunts the very real high that you get from bingeing, so the binges themselves are not as addictively rewarding.

My DH supports my fasting by preparing all meals for the kids in fasting days, doing all of the grocery shopping to help keep me from foods that are really tempting, and encourages me all the time. We set goals together and he eats what I eat.

Your kids don’t need lots of carbs. In fact, a ketogenic diet could be really good for their brain health and moods. I would drastically remove trigger foods from the house for him.

You can do a lot with harm reduction for him. You can’t be abstinent from food and eating anything can trigger a binge, so help him by prepping low-carb things he could eat like pepperoni or bacon.

Another really great book is “Why We Get Fat” by Gary’s taubes. It changed so much for me.

^This is a great post with some excellent advise.

It seems really messed up to not have sandwich bread for the kids while he’s binging at McDonalds on the way home.

Kids have tons of other choices... they don’t have to have bread.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, but my kids wouldn't be denied a good bun for their burger or popcorn on movie night if my spouse was stuffing his face with fast food. Sure no one needs bread or a cookie or much of anything really. We can all get by on very little. I prefer moderation. I'm fit and don't have foods that are off limits. Just don't st them all day, everyday.

[Anonymous]

If I was your obese husband I’d be looking to divorce you. You sound awful