Intimacy Doldrums - Advice?

[Anonymous]

Hi all: DH here. DW and I have been married for 3 years and I have a 2 YO. I also have a 9 YO from a previous marriage that I share 50/50 with my ex. DW and I are in our early 40s. Forgive the long post but I was hoping to get some advice from the female crowd here...

Prior to our child together, intimacy was never an issue, obviously, but there was a catch. I was the initiator about 99% of the time. Sex/intimacy was never at the forefront of her mind but she always enjoyed it with me and always down for whatever. The lack of her initiating bothered me a little but it was never an issue b/c of the amount of sex/intimate moments we had. FFWD to now - we have a 2 YO who has been very challenging. Sleeping sucks, First year was filled with stress because of the baby's lack of sleep, appetite, etc.

During her pregnancy and even in year 1, intimacy was not really a big issue for us (again, I was the initiator) and I understood that libido wanes when there is a lack of sleep and there is stress. I get that. I found other ways to be intimate with my DW even if it didn't involve anything sexual (oil massages are my preference). I usually would give her oil massages a few times a week. Sometimes I did them with the hope that she would get turned on enough to do something but most of the time I did it with no expectation of anything and just to feel her bare skin was "good enough". I would caress her a certain way, making it clear what I wanted, she would give me the usual "I'm tired" or "I went to the bathroom" kind of excuse. Fine, whatever, I deal. But, after months of this, it has forced me to be in this position where I feel like I just want to put intimacy out of my mind and don't even try for it because I'll know I'll be frustrated/disappointed - but as you can imagine, this has a vicious cycle where she sees me not trying and her own perception of sex wanes as well. I exercise, I stay in shape, I complement my DW, I touch her, I kiss her, am affectionate, am 100% into her but I fear that this is going to be an issue for us going forward. She doesn't exercise, doesn't eat great and has no hobbies/friends outside of the baby.

To compound issues, I recently disclosed to her that I do not want any more kids (she knows I was not totally on board to having another from the beginning) but she wants one more, mainly for a sibling for our child together. The past 2 years have taken a toll on us - physically and mentally and another child is simply too much for us. As a result, she recently disclosed that sexual intercourse for her was a reminder that she can't procreate so she's not exactly excited to do it.

Is this a serious issue that we need to address via therapy? We talk about it but I feel it goes nowhere. She's gone to a sex therapist but nothing came of that. The flip side is that our child still doesn't sleep well and I know everything is that much harder when there is a lack of sleep going around so I think, I have to just stay the course, be patient and keep working at it.

Anyhow, I know some self-image/depression is also at play here, which further complicates things, but I'm kind of at a loss of what to do.

Lastly, I know I'm certainly not perfect - I just want to help her/us as much as I can.

[Anonymous]

You should do couples therapy. Clearly the second kid issue is the problem. Kudos to you for staying in shape and trying to keep things hot.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, you need to get to the bottom of this can't-enjoy-sex-because-I-can't-procreate business. The rest of it sounds like fairly standard mismatched libido stuff. And a lot of that can be chalked up to challenges of having a young kid.

But the procreation line sounds like she's starting to use pretexts to justify her libido to you. Even if having another kid wasn't off the table, it sounds pretty much guaranteed that she still wouldn't be initiating sex with you. And inventing pretexts that use sex as leverage to get her what she wants is a pretty toxic path to go down.

Beyond that, you still need to talk. Mismatched libidos is a common, but challenging problem. Maybe hers will bounce back after the kid(s) get older, but there's a decent chance it will not. The chances that it won't bounce back increase if you're creating resentments during this period (by being lazy around the house, for example.)

[Anonymous]

Fix the child sleep problem stat. This will make you miserable and will not get better on its own. Take a month to be strict and fix it. Our kid's sleep problems caused our sex live to wane, but now that DC sleeps and stays in their room, we get down almost daily.

[Anonymous]

+2 for couples therapy.

[Anonymous]

Thank you, all. Yeah, I know that the sleep issue is a big one - I know that takes a toll on things.

I think I've come to grips with the mismatched libido thing but I struggle with the possibility that she doesn't want it period.

Couples therapy is something I also think we should do - agreed.

I appreciate the advice.

[Anonymous]

Take this like the serious threat to your marriage that it is. Few marriages with a sexually dissatisfied partner will survive. Talk to her in these terms. If she can’t take this issue seriously, well there is your answer.

[Anonymous]

I’m a female and I lost my libido after having a kid. Part of it was certainly body image issues- it’s really difficult to accept your post-baby body, especially in a culture that glorifies size 2 twenty year olds with fake breasts. But a huge part was underlying martial problems and resentments I didn’t even know I had, and that I was able to uncover only in couples therapy. There was a lot of hidden pain from both my marriage and even past relationships that prevented me from wanting sex. I think having a child really changes our perspective on sex, since it makes you realize what a truly spiritual and special thing it is, rather than just being fun/recreation. It can be very difficult to go through something so emotional, especially if you have problems or resentments with your partner (such as you not wanting more kids). It makes us feel very vulnerable. So definitely find a good couples therapist.

I’d also recommend getting her thyroid and hormones checked, my own thyroid went out of whack after having my first.

Good luck! You sound like you really care and want a solution, rather than just pressuring her to put out. And keep up the massages, those types of bonding behaviors are super important.

[Anonymous]

Isn’t history repeating itself? Didn’t intimacy with your first wife wane after your first child? Regardless, I see you are trying to salvage the relationship. Go to couple’s therapy and stick to your guns on no third child (you already have 2 including a half sibling for your 2nd child). I’d also seriously consider a vasectomy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I think I've come to grips with the mismatched libido thing but I struggle with the possibility that she doesn't want it period.

Couples therapy is something I also think we should do - agreed.

I appreciate the advice.

It's a very real possibility. People talk about "dry spells," but sometimes it just never comes back. I was patient because of that "dry spell" talk, but we probably should've gone to therapy back when the kids were 3 and 4 and the libido never bounced back. Instead, I was patient. By the time the kids were school-aged and sex didn't get any better, we started talking about it, but it was too late by then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Isn’t history repeating itself? Didn’t intimacy with your first wife wane after your first child? Regardless, I see you are trying to salvage the relationship. Go to couple’s therapy and stick to your guns on no third child (you already have 2 including a half sibling for your 2nd child). I’d also seriously consider a vasectomy.

OP here. Yes, definitely history repeats itself and I've been there/done that. I think that's why I'm patient and want to ride it out because I know its temporary (my ex thought it was permanent and decided to open for legs for another dude but that's neither here nor there). I did want another kid, so I'm happy with our 2 YO but for a specific reason, we did it via IVF. I have a natural vasectomy, so no, no chance for another as long as I don't want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn’t history repeating itself? Didn’t intimacy with your first wife wane after your first child? Regardless, I see you are trying to salvage the relationship. Go to couple’s therapy and stick to your guns on no third child (you already have 2 including a half sibling for your 2nd child). I’d also seriously consider a vasectomy.

OP here. Yes, definitely history repeats itself and I've been there/done that. I think that's why I'm patient and want to ride it out because I know its temporary (my ex thought it was permanent and decided to open for legs for another dude but that's neither here nor there). I did want another kid, so I'm happy with our 2 YO but for a specific reason, we did it via IVF. I have a natural vasectomy, so no, no chance for another as long as I don't want to.

OP, maybe you’ll be the exception, but in a significant number of cases - perhaps the majority of them - the DW’s libido (at least for her DH) is gone for good after kids. Again, there are certainly exceptions to this, but the permanent version of what you describe is likely the most common of all complaints.

[Anonymous]

Dw here. We had 3 kids in 3 years. We were tired, my libido was low due to all the Mom duties. Fast forward 10 years and my libido is sky high, and we have reconnected. Having kids is tough. My advice is to be patient, and get therapy to address the second child issue. It’s also tough when one parent wants to maintain a healthy lifestyle and the other isn’t on board. Hopefully therapy will be able to help you with that as well.

[Anonymous]

Are you sure she isn't playing games with you? No kid, no sex games?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn’t history repeating itself? Didn’t intimacy with your first wife wane after your first child? Regardless, I see you are trying to salvage the relationship. Go to couple’s therapy and stick to your guns on no third child (you already have 2 including a half sibling for your 2nd child). I’d also seriously consider a vasectomy.

OP here. Yes, definitely history repeats itself and I've been there/done that. I think that's why I'm patient and want to ride it out because I know its temporary (my ex thought it was permanent and decided to open for legs for another dude but that's neither here nor there). I did want another kid, so I'm happy with our 2 YO but for a specific reason, we did it via IVF. I have a natural vasectomy, so no, no chance for another as long as I don't want to.

OP, maybe you’ll be the exception, but in a significant number of cases - perhaps the majority of them - the DW’s libido (at least for her DH) is gone for good after kids. Again, there are certainly exceptions to this, but the permanent version of what you describe is likely the most common of all complaints.

+1
If you want to remain married, consider your best option may be to open the relationship. The odds of a low libido wife (with kids) ever regaining interest (for her current husband) are about zero. But if she’s a good room mate, simply outsource the sex.