Intimacy Doldrums - Advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure she isn't playing games with you? No kid, no sex games?

+1 Resentment card! Holding sex hostage bc you don’t want another kid.

[Anonymous]

You should go to individual therapy.

1. You are already on wife #2 so you clearly have a pattern going.

2. The fact that you use the word intimacy and sex interchangeably shows me you don't know the difference between the 2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn’t history repeating itself? Didn’t intimacy with your first wife wane after your first child? Regardless, I see you are trying to salvage the relationship. Go to couple’s therapy and stick to your guns on no third child (you already have 2 including a half sibling for your 2nd child). I’d also seriously consider a vasectomy.

OP here. Yes, definitely history repeats itself and I've been there/done that. I think that's why I'm patient and want to ride it out because I know its temporary (my ex thought it was permanent and decided to open for legs for another dude but that's neither here nor there). I did want another kid, so I'm happy with our 2 YO but for a specific reason, we did it via IVF. I have a natural vasectomy, so no, no chance for another as long as I don't want to.

OP, maybe you’ll be the exception, but in a significant number of cases - perhaps the majority of them - the DW’s libido (at least for her DH) is gone for good after kids. Again, there are certainly exceptions to this, but the permanent version of what you describe is likely the most common of all complaints.

+1
If you want to remain married, consider your best option may be to open the relationship. The odds of a low libido wife (with kids) ever regaining interest (for her current husband) are about zero. But if she’s a good room mate, simply outsource the sex.

Does anyone have stories where temporarily opening the relationship (especially announced so casually here, without discussions of boundaries) actually Saves
A marriage? I’ve never seen it do so. If both parties believe in non-monagomy, yes but not as a reaction like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn’t history repeating itself? Didn’t intimacy with your first wife wane after your first child? Regardless, I see you are trying to salvage the relationship. Go to couple’s therapy and stick to your guns on no third child (you already have 2 including a half sibling for your 2nd child). I’d also seriously consider a vasectomy.

OP here. Yes, definitely history repeats itself and I've been there/done that. I think that's why I'm patient and want to ride it out because I know its temporary (my ex thought it was permanent and decided to open for legs for another dude but that's neither here nor there). I did want another kid, so I'm happy with our 2 YO but for a specific reason, we did it via IVF. I have a natural vasectomy, so no, no chance for another as long as I don't want to.

OP, maybe you’ll be the exception, but in a significant number of cases - perhaps the majority of them - the DW’s libido (at least for her DH) is gone for good after kids. Again, there are certainly exceptions to this, but the permanent version of what you describe is likely the most common of all complaints.

+1
If you want to remain married, consider your best option may be to open the relationship. The odds of a low libido wife (with kids) ever regaining interest (for her current husband) are about zero. But if she’s a good room mate, simply outsource the sex.

Does anyone have stories where temporarily opening the relationship (especially announced so casually here, without discussions of boundaries) actually Saves
A marriage? I’ve never seen it do so. If both parties believe in non-monagomy, yes but not as a reaction like this.

What makes you think that NOT opening the marriage makes it worth “saving”? A marriage with resentments over sex is already dead and just swirling the bowl before it flushes. So given that divorce is the only other option, seems like a 100% success rate to open the relationship.

[Anonymous]

CLarifying the open relationship — what do you need to do with it to not end in divorce after opening? All my experiences that I’ve observed have had opening the relationship to outsource the sex without a clear desire on both side for non-Monagamy be a precursor to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Your kid is only 2 and your already tapping out. Geez.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn’t history repeating itself? Didn’t intimacy with your first wife wane after your first child? Regardless, I see you are trying to salvage the relationship. Go to couple’s therapy and stick to your guns on no third child (you already have 2 including a half sibling for your 2nd child). I’d also seriously consider a vasectomy.

OP here. Yes, definitely history repeats itself and I've been there/done that. I think that's why I'm patient and want to ride it out because I know its temporary (my ex thought it was permanent and decided to open for legs for another dude but that's neither here nor there). I did want another kid, so I'm happy with our 2 YO but for a specific reason, we did it via IVF. I have a natural vasectomy, so no, no chance for another as long as I don't want to.

OP, maybe you’ll be the exception, but in a significant number of cases - perhaps the majority of them - the DW’s libido (at least for her DH) is gone for good after kids. Again, there are certainly exceptions to this, but the permanent version of what you describe is likely the most common of all complaints.

+1
If you want to remain married, consider your best option may be to open the relationship. The odds of a low libido wife (with kids) ever regaining interest (for her current husband) are about zero. But if she’s a good room mate, simply outsource the sex.

Does anyone have stories where temporarily opening the relationship (especially announced so casually here, without discussions of boundaries) actually Saves
A marriage? I’ve never seen it do so. If both parties believe in non-monagomy, yes but not as a reaction like this.

Proceed very very cautiously because once a wife indulges her husband will become ferociously jealous.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand why women can’t make a small effort a few times a week for the good of the family. I don’t get it. It seems like all it takes to make my DH happy (and most other men out there) is to have sex 2-3 times a week. We have two small kids (5 and almost 3 and I am pregnant with a third). Sex is the last thing on my mind 99% of the time, but I do it for him. I even usually enjoy it once we get started. I am very happy that it never takes more than 25-30 Minutes’s and after that DH is happy and we do what I want. If women want to stay married, why can’t they just make this small effort? You want your DH to take care of the kids on Saturday morning? It’s a give and take. You have sex with him on Friday night and he takes the kids on Saturday morning. It does not have to be exactly like this, but my DH is a lot happier to do a little more of he sees that I am also doing something for him. I am not the way he met me 10 years ago. I used to want sex all the time. Now I see my old me only when we take time off just the two of us (for a few days not just one night). I feel bad that i am not who I used to be because he has not changed so I try my best to meet in the middle. He knows I am not like I used to be anymore, but I think he appreciate the effort I put.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why women can’t make a small effort a few times a week for the good of the family. I don’t get it. It seems like all it takes to make my DH happy (and most other men out there) is to have sex 2-3 times a week. We have two small kids (5 and almost 3 and I am pregnant with a third). Sex is the last thing on my mind 99% of the time, but I do it for him. I even usually enjoy it once we get started.

I think there are two basic categories of women for whom this is problematic:
1) Those who usually don't enjoy it, even after they get started; and
2) Those who feel like they should be in the mood prior to having sex, otherwise it's a violation.

Those in category 2 would probably do well to read something like "Come As You Are" and learn about responsive desire; learn that sex where desire comes after the process is underway can still be good sex and good for the marriage. On the other hand, those in category 1 shouldn't be expected to just lay back and take it.

Men should also learn about responsive desire so that they don't create a new problem by getting pissy about having to initiate almost all of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why women can’t make a small effort a few times a week for the good of the family. I don’t get it. It seems like all it takes to make my DH happy (and most other men out there) is to have sex 2-3 times a week. We have two small kids (5 and almost 3 and I am pregnant with a third). Sex is the last thing on my mind 99% of the time, but I do it for him. I even usually enjoy it once we get started.

I think there are two basic categories of women for whom this is problematic:
1) Those who usually don't enjoy it, even after they get started; and
2) Those who feel like they should be in the mood prior to having sex, otherwise it's a violation.

Those in category 2 would probably do well to read something like "Come As You Are" and learn about responsive desire; learn that sex where desire comes after the process is underway can still be good sex and good for the marriage. On the other hand, those in category 1 shouldn't be expected to just lay back and take it.

Men should also learn about responsive desire so that they don't create a new problem by getting pissy about having to initiate almost all of the time.

Women in either category 1 or 2 ought not be overly plussed about monogamy.

[Anonymous]

Hire a sleep coach to come in and mend the sleep deprivation issue.

Individual and couples counseling for both you and your wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why women can’t make a small effort a few times a week for the good of the family. I don’t get it. It seems like all it takes to make my DH happy (and most other men out there) is to have sex 2-3 times a week. We have two small kids (5 and almost 3 and I am pregnant with a third). Sex is the last thing on my mind 99% of the time, but I do it for him. I even usually enjoy it once we get started.

I think there are two basic categories of women for whom this is problematic:
1) Those who usually don't enjoy it, even after they get started; and
2) Those who feel like they should be in the mood prior to having sex, otherwise it's a violation.

Those in category 2 would probably do well to read something like "Come As You Are" and learn about responsive desire; learn that sex where desire comes after the process is underway can still be good sex and good for the marriage. On the other hand, those in category 1 shouldn't be expected to just lay back and take it.

Men should also learn about responsive desire so that they don't create a new problem by getting pissy about having to initiate almost all of the time.

Women in either category 1 or 2 ought not be overly plussed about monogamy.

Yeah, but they will be. Because when he's not having sex, it's no biggie - just go masturbate. Sex is only about friction and orgasms. But when he's having sex with someone else, sex creates an emotional bond that is threatening to the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why women can’t make a small effort a few times a week for the good of the family. I don’t get it. It seems like all it takes to make my DH happy (and most other men out there) is to have sex 2-3 times a week. We have two small kids (5 and almost 3 and I am pregnant with a third). Sex is the last thing on my mind 99% of the time, but I do it for him. I even usually enjoy it once we get started. I am very happy that it never takes more than 25-30 Minutes’s and after that DH is happy and we do what I want. If women want to stay married, why can’t they just make this small effort? You want your DH to take care of the kids on Saturday morning? It’s a give and take. You have sex with him on Friday night and he takes the kids on Saturday morning. It does not have to be exactly like this, but my DH is a lot happier to do a little more of he sees that I am also doing something for him. I am not the way he met me 10 years ago. I used to want sex all the time. Now I see my old me only when we take time off just the two of us (for a few days not just one night). I feel bad that i am not who I used to be because he has not changed so I try my best to meet in the middle. He knows I am not like I used to be anymore, but I think he appreciate the effort I put.

I admire you. Sadly, my DW would rather be divorced than make that small effort. I know I am not unattractive, I make good money, I am a great dad, and divorce will traumatize our kids, but none of that matters to her.

The only analogy I can think of is, what if I had to have a prostate exam twice a week to make my wife happy. Could I make that small effort? Yeah, but I would resent it and it would be impossible to pretend I enjoyed it.

[Anonymous]

OP, forget couples counseling. It is a waste of time and money. In couples counseling, your wife teams up with the counselor to tell you how much you suck and to invent new hoops for you to jump through. But no matter how many hoops you jump through, somehow it never leads to resuming sex.

The fact of the matter is, she's not attracted to you, and her attraction to you will probably never come back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your kid is only 2 and your already tapping out. Geez.

Huh?

OP has come on here clearly wanting to work through this. Who talked about tapping out? Only you...the person who probably never has sex.