Intimacy Doldrums - Advice?

[Anonymous]

You said Oil massages are your preference, what does your wife like? Do you know? Fwiw, it’s not always physical. what works best for me is when my husband packs lunch and unloads the dishwasher on the nights he’s home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why women can’t make a small effort a few times a week for the good of the family. I don’t get it. It seems like all it takes to make my DH happy (and most other men out there) is to have sex 2-3 times a week. We have two small kids (5 and almost 3 and I am pregnant with a third). Sex is the last thing on my mind 99% of the time, but I do it for him. I even usually enjoy it once we get started.

I think there are two basic categories of women for whom this is problematic:
1) Those who usually don't enjoy it, even after they get started; and
2) Those who feel like they should be in the mood prior to having sex, otherwise it's a violation.

Those in category 2 would probably do well to read something like "Come As You Are" and learn about responsive desire; learn that sex where desire comes after the process is underway can still be good sex and good for the marriage. On the other hand, those in category 1 shouldn't be expected to just lay back and take it.

Men should also learn about responsive desire so that they don't create a new problem by getting pissy about having to initiate almost all of the time.

Women in either category 1 or 2 ought not be overly plussed about monogamy.

Yeah, but they will be. Because when he's not having sex, it's no biggie - just go masturbate. Sex is only about friction and orgasms. But when he's having sex with someone else, sex creates an emotional bond that is threatening to the marriage.

Married woman here. No, sex is not about friction and orgasms. It's about connection and intimacy. God forbid your husband wants to be loved and validated and rock your world. Yeesh. This crap I read about laying back and taking it so DH will do the dishes is madening. I'm a very physical person (work out a lot, love sex, etc) and feel really bad for the husbands of you ladies who don't seem to get it or want to get it.

[Anonymous]

You said the 2yo doesn't sleep well. Who gets up and stays up with the baby during the night?

Please tell me that you at least alternate nights with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why women can’t make a small effort a few times a week for the good of the family. I don’t get it. It seems like all it takes to make my DH happy (and most other men out there) is to have sex 2-3 times a week. We have two small kids (5 and almost 3 and I am pregnant with a third). Sex is the last thing on my mind 99% of the time, but I do it for him. I even usually enjoy it once we get started.

I think there are two basic categories of women for whom this is problematic:
1) Those who usually don't enjoy it, even after they get started; and
2) Those who feel like they should be in the mood prior to having sex, otherwise it's a violation.

Those in category 2 would probably do well to read something like "Come As You Are" and learn about responsive desire; learn that sex where desire comes after the process is underway can still be good sex and good for the marriage. On the other hand, those in category 1 shouldn't be expected to just lay back and take it.

Men should also learn about responsive desire so that they don't create a new problem by getting pissy about having to initiate almost all of the time.

Women in either category 1 or 2 ought not be overly plussed about monogamy.

Yeah, but they will be. Because when he's not having sex, it's no biggie - just go masturbate. Sex is only about friction and orgasms. But when he's having sex with someone else, sex creates an emotional bond that is threatening to the marriage.

Married woman here. No, sex is not about friction and orgasms. It's about connection and intimacy. God forbid your husband wants to be loved and validated and rock your world. Yeesh. This crap I read about laying back and taking it so DH will do the dishes is madening. I'm a very physical person (work out a lot, love sex, etc) and feel really bad for the husbands of you ladies who don't seem to get it or want to get it.

Well you are very lucky. I don’t know any woman married for several years with small children that still wants to have sex all the time. For most of us things have changed. I am the PP who everybody is responding to. I have sex with my DH 3 times a week while pregnant wh my third, but I do it for him. There have been times where I initiated it because I wanted it, but it’s always when my parents are taking care of the kids and we are in a different place. DH and I have a great relationship and we used to have sex all the time. He had never had as much sex as he had with me when we first met... now it’s just not the same for me. I wish I wS more like you!

[Anonymous]

It's a bit tragic but not uncommon, I don't think, to have spouses who generally try to do right by each other, who are basically competent adults, and who try to carry a fair share of the load when it comes to running the family but who, nevertheless, find themselves in a situation with a libido mismatch. It's not particularly fair to make a woman feel like she has to have sex that she doesn't want to have, and it's not particularly fair to expect a man to be nearly sexless for the rest of his life. An open marriage won't work for most folks. They still love each other & divorce is problematic for a variety of reasons. Sometimes there simply are no good options, and it doesn't have to be anyone's fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why women can’t make a small effort a few times a week for the good of the family. I don’t get it. It seems like all it takes to make my DH happy (and most other men out there) is to have sex 2-3 times a week. We have two small kids (5 and almost 3 and I am pregnant with a third). Sex is the last thing on my mind 99% of the time, but I do it for him. I even usually enjoy it once we get started.

I think there are two basic categories of women for whom this is problematic:
1) Those who usually don't enjoy it, even after they get started; and
2) Those who feel like they should be in the mood prior to having sex, otherwise it's a violation.

Those in category 2 would probably do well to read something like "Come As You Are" and learn about responsive desire; learn that sex where desire comes after the process is underway can still be good sex and good for the marriage. On the other hand, those in category 1 shouldn't be expected to just lay back and take it.

Men should also learn about responsive desire so that they don't create a new problem by getting pissy about having to initiate almost all of the time.

Women in either category 1 or 2 ought not be overly plussed about monogamy.

Yeah, but they will be. Because when he's not having sex, it's no biggie - just go masturbate. Sex is only about friction and orgasms. But when he's having sex with someone else, sex creates an emotional bond that is threatening to the marriage.

Married woman here. No, sex is not about friction and orgasms. It's about connection and intimacy. God forbid your husband wants to be loved and validated and rock your world. Yeesh. This crap I read about laying back and taking it so DH will do the dishes is madening. I'm a very physical person (work out a lot, love sex, etc) and feel really bad for the husbands of you ladies who don't seem to get it or want to get it.

Well you are very lucky. I don’t know any woman married for several years with small children that still wants to have sex all the time. For most of us things have changed. I am the PP who everybody is responding to. I have sex with my DH 3 times a week while pregnant wh my third, but I do it for him. There have been times where I initiated it because I wanted it, but it’s always when my parents are taking care of the kids and we are in a different place. DH and I have a great relationship and we used to have sex all the time. He had never had as much sex as he had with me when we first met... now it’s just not the same for me. I wish I wS more like you!

What has changed for you that you don't want sex? I ask this sincerely and without accusation. I have small children and my libido has remained steady (and vigorous). To me that would be like deciding that music or great food is no longer appealing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a bit tragic but not uncommon, I don't think, to have spouses who generally try to do right by each other, who are basically competent adults, and who try to carry a fair share of the load when it comes to running the family but who, nevertheless, find themselves in a situation with a libido mismatch. It's not particularly fair to make a woman feel like she has to have sex that she doesn't want to have, and it's not particularly fair to expect a man to be nearly sexless for the rest of his life. An open marriage won't work for most folks. They still love each other & divorce is problematic for a variety of reasons. Sometimes there simply are no good options, and it doesn't have to be anyone's fault.

This is true. My wife is a great person, but totally lost her libido for years. She would cry about it. I pulled my weight, it wasn't me. We were just horribly mismatched.

I wish I had a happy story to share. I cheated with a woman in a similar situation. It went on for a while and fizzled out. Fast forward a decade, her libido has returned somewhat, mine has decreased and we are doing amazing.

It's not a popular choice, but my advice to OP is to do what he needs to do to stay married and sane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why women can’t make a small effort a few times a week for the good of the family. I don’t get it. It seems like all it takes to make my DH happy (and most other men out there) is to have sex 2-3 times a week. We have two small kids (5 and almost 3 and I am pregnant with a third). Sex is the last thing on my mind 99% of the time, but I do it for him. I even usually enjoy it once we get started.

I think there are two basic categories of women for whom this is problematic:
1) Those who usually don't enjoy it, even after they get started; and
2) Those who feel like they should be in the mood prior to having sex, otherwise it's a violation.

Those in category 2 would probably do well to read something like "Come As You Are" and learn about responsive desire; learn that sex where desire comes after the process is underway can still be good sex and good for the marriage. On the other hand, those in category 1 shouldn't be expected to just lay back and take it.

Men should also learn about responsive desire so that they don't create a new problem by getting pissy about having to initiate almost all of the time.

Women in either category 1 or 2 ought not be overly plussed about monogamy.

Yeah, but they will be. Because when he's not having sex, it's no biggie - just go masturbate. Sex is only about friction and orgasms. But when he's having sex with someone else, sex creates an emotional bond that is threatening to the marriage.

Married woman here. No, sex is not about friction and orgasms. It's about connection and intimacy. God forbid your husband wants to be loved and validated and rock your world. Yeesh. This crap I read about laying back and taking it so DH will do the dishes is madening. I'm a very physical person (work out a lot, love sex, etc) and feel really bad for the husbands of you ladies who don't seem to get it or want to get it.

Well you are very lucky. I don’t know any woman married for several years with small children that still wants to have sex all the time. For most of us things have changed. I am the PP who everybody is responding to. I have sex with my DH 3 times a week while pregnant wh my third, but I do it for him. There have been times where I initiated it because I wanted it, but it’s always when my parents are taking care of the kids and we are in a different place. DH and I have a great relationship and we used to have sex all the time. He had never had as much sex as he had with me when we first met... now it’s just not the same for me. I wish I wS more like you!

What has changed for you that you don't want sex? I ask this sincerely and without accusation. I have small children and my libido has remained steady (and vigorous). To me that would be like deciding that music or great food is no longer appealing.

I have no idea. Other than being exhausted all the time, never having enough time for myself and often resenting my husband for spending too much time on his phone and not enough with our kids, I think maybe my hormones? What I do know is that when we “take a break” which we have done more often than most, things get much better for me. This summer my parents had the kids for a while and I wanted it again, but probably not as much as I did before kids. So, my best guess, what has changed is that I am maxed out and when the kids sleep all I really want to do is relax on the couch. Perhaps my libido has also decreased, but it seems to return when I don’t have kids to take care of.
On top of everything now I am also pregnant and while at the beginning of the pregnancy I was actually more into it than usual, now there are several positions that are uncomfortable and sex is just not as natural nor as fun (no, this hurts, don’t lay on my belly, don’t know touch my breasts like that...)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why women can’t make a small effort a few times a week for the good of the family. I don’t get it. It seems like all it takes to make my DH happy (and most other men out there) is to have sex 2-3 times a week. We have two small kids (5 and almost 3 and I am pregnant with a third). Sex is the last thing on my mind 99% of the time, but I do it for him. I even usually enjoy it once we get started.

I think there are two basic categories of women for whom this is problematic:
1) Those who usually don't enjoy it, even after they get started; and
2) Those who feel like they should be in the mood prior to having sex, otherwise it's a violation.

Those in category 2 would probably do well to read something like "Come As You Are" and learn about responsive desire; learn that sex where desire comes after the process is underway can still be good sex and good for the marriage. On the other hand, those in category 1 shouldn't be expected to just lay back and take it.

Men should also learn about responsive desire so that they don't create a new problem by getting pissy about having to initiate almost all of the time.

Women in either category 1 or 2 ought not be overly plussed about monogamy.

Yeah, but they will be. Because when he's not having sex, it's no biggie - just go masturbate. Sex is only about friction and orgasms. But when he's having sex with someone else, sex creates an emotional bond that is threatening to the marriage.

Married woman here. No, sex is not about friction and orgasms. It's about connection and intimacy. God forbid your husband wants to be loved and validated and rock your world. Yeesh. This crap I read about laying back and taking it so DH will do the dishes is madening. I'm a very physical person (work out a lot, love sex, etc) and feel really bad for the husbands of you ladies who don't seem to get it or want to get it.

Well you are very lucky. I don’t know any woman married for several years with small children that still wants to have sex all the time. For most of us things have changed. I am the PP who everybody is responding to. I have sex with my DH 3 times a week while pregnant wh my third, but I do it for him. There have been times where I initiated it because I wanted it, but it’s always when my parents are taking care of the kids and we are in a different place. DH and I have a great relationship and we used to have sex all the time. He had never had as much sex as he had with me when we first met... now it’s just not the same for me. I wish I wS more like you!

What has changed for you that you don't want sex? I ask this sincerely and without accusation. I have small children and my libido has remained steady (and vigorous). To me that would be like deciding that music or great food is no longer appealing.

Ah, no one DECIDES to lose their libido.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

What has changed for you that you don't want sex? I ask this sincerely and without accusation. I have small children and my libido has remained steady (and vigorous). To me that would be like deciding that music or great food is no longer appealing.

For most, it's energy and hormones. You can say, with some justification, that new Dads aren't as busy as new Moms. But, they're still pretty damn busy. I don't know a lot of new dads who are sleeping 8 hours and spending a lot of their awake time just hanging out, not doing anything. And the new dads still want sex. So, it's not just about being busier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What has changed for you that you don't want sex? I ask this sincerely and without accusation. I have small children and my libido has remained steady (and vigorous). To me that would be like deciding that music or great food is no longer appealing.

For most, it's energy and hormones. You can say, with some justification, that new Dads aren't as busy as new Moms. But, they're still pretty damn busy. I don't know a lot of new dads who are sleeping 8 hours and spending a lot of their awake time just hanging out, not doing anything. And the new dads still want sex. So, it's not just about being busier.

Also, I should add, that great food would absolutely lose its appeal if you were never hungry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What has changed for you that you don't want sex? I ask this sincerely and without accusation. I have small children and my libido has remained steady (and vigorous). To me that would be like deciding that music or great food is no longer appealing.

For most, it's energy and hormones. You can say, with some justification, that new Dads aren't as busy as new Moms. But, they're still pretty damn busy. I don't know a lot of new dads who are sleeping 8 hours and spending a lot of their awake time just hanging out, not doing anything. And the new dads still want sex. So, it's not just about being busier.

Also, I should add, that great food would absolutely lose its appeal if you were never hungry.

That’s fine. Just tell your still-hungry spouse to go elsewhere for dinner.

[Anonymous]

Only barely related, but someone on the Internet suggested that women withhold sex until men join them in protesting the Supreme Court nominee who thinks that birth control is abortion. Those threats hold no fear for me. My wife has already decided to withhold sex quite independently of politics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Only barely related, but someone on the Internet suggested that women withhold sex until men join them in protesting the Supreme Court nominee who thinks that birth control is abortion. Those threats hold no fear for me. My wife has already decided to withhold sex quite independently of politics.

But you quickly solved that by withholding monogamy and treat her like a platonic room mate with 1 syllable conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You said Oil massages are your preference, what does your wife like? Do you know? Fwiw, it’s not always physical. what works best for me is when my husband packs lunch and unloads the dishwasher on the nights he’s home

OP here. Yes she enjoys them - they started while she was pregnant. I oiled her belly, chest, etc - it was our nightly "ritual". It was something we both enjoyed. That evolved into massages because she was encountering PP lower back pains. Those are now gone, thankfully, and massages have evolved into simply giving her something that feels good.

As for dishwasher, etc., I already do all that, including doing all the cooking (I clean as well). And you're right, for some women it's those things that matter and while my DW certainly is appreciative of me doing those things, it's not necessarily something that gets her in the mood.