SAHM’s - anyone successfully convince DH to support their staying home long term?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you can find a job working evenings and weekends 😀Seriously, go back to work, but I would advise on day 1 that you list what he is now responsible for within the house. This forum has plenty of women complaining of how they feel taken advantage of. Set the bar immediately.

Right. Make him a list and he’ll do everything on it. Sure, that will work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:TBH it may be that he really doesn't see the value in some of your activities. Sometimes men are fine with a messier house, no school volunteering, a generally less curated life, less kid activities, simpler food, etc. Be prepared to hear that even though it may hurt. What you see as valuable effort on behalf of the family he may see as a discretionary leisure activity of yours.

And be 1000% sure your financial planning is realistic. Being "not spendy" isn't going to make college and retirement savings appear.

Agree, they need to look hard and in detail at their planning for college tuition and their own retirement and an emergency fund, etc.

Re, the bold -- if that is the case, the couple needs to be open to serious talking about why they had this disconnect for so long. That's a big issue, to me (I'm not OP, BTW).

The first paragraph seems to indicate that "activiites" like housework, volunteering, kid activities etc. are indeed not especially important. The use of the term "curated life" kind of jumps out here. No one said OP was doing a curated life with Instagram-ready gourmet meals ("simpler food" preferred), or was overly focused on a perfectly neat home ("a messier house" is fine) etc. I figure maybe you didn't realize it but the first paragraph comes across as somewhat assuming that OP might be doing things to be, well, "curated" and picture-perfect. That may not be the case at all. Maybe you didn't intend it that way, but it almost sounds like a script for a man to use when telling a woman what she's been doing for years was fundamentally for her own entertainment and ego. Maybe the house is pretty messy and the food is simple but there are still valid reasons for OP to want to stay home.

I wrote that, and I am a woman. I think OP may have valid reasons to want to stay home, and I have no idea what she is doing with her time, but I think she should.be mentally and emotionally prepared to hear from her DH that he just does not value these things, whatever they actually are, the same way she does. I think volunteering and kid activities are important, but I mean exactly what I said-- often times men do not see the value in these things or do not think they are worth the opportunity cost of a second income. If their house is messy, all the more reason to go back to work and hire a cleaner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Serious question: what do you do with the six+ Hours when your kids are out of the house? I can’t imagine having that much time for myself every day. I mean, any logistics/chores could all be done within three hours. And with no boss breathing down your neck. I can see how your husband could be resentful.

Not OP but it isn’t that much time. Not OP, but I workout at a gym daily and between going there, taking a shower, running some errands, cleaning up areas of the house (I do a daily pick up plus deep clean parts on a weekly schedule), yard work, I bake our bread daily and cook meals from scratch and that is very time consuming too. Six hours flies by.

Oh, barf. Working moms do all of this with a job (except “bake bread” — WTF — but if they really wanted to do that, they’d do it on the weekend).

You take a shower, work out and run some errands? Wow! Color us all impressed.

Yeah- instead you should push around some papers in an office, zone out through some boring non-productive meetings, pretend to look busy, and scroll DCUM on your phone. That is way more important that taking care of yourself and your home.

Seriously PP, why do you care what someone does with their time and what gives you any authority to decide it is important or not?

+1

Working moms don’t do all that. Most of the working moms I know hire out a lot of the stuff SAHMS do themselves (including, obviously, the after school childcare). Or they have grandparents living with them or nearby. And most have regular cleaners, do meal kits or more frequent takeout, etc. I don’t see why one method is better than the other— they are both fine.

So why trash a SAHM or accuse her of not working? I just don’t see the point. I definitely know a number if SAHMs who unquestioningly work hard and longer than a number if people I know with cushy full time jobs. I also know people with full time jobs and school age kids who have full time nannies who definitely stay plenty busy cooking and cleaning while the kids are at school.

+1, my mom had a housekeeper to clean the house and do all the laundry twice a week. She cooked and did the grocery shopping but my dad cooked some too. We did no activities as my dad did his sports at night and mom was tired. Before K, we had nannies and preschool. After that it was before/after school care/camps. My mom worked 9-5. Looking back we at dinner together but spent very little time together. On weekends they'd have date nights Friday/Saturday and hire babysitters till we were old enough to stay home alone.

[/quote


Maybe in yout UMC DCUM bubble but no most working moms are not hiring everything out. Get a clue !

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Serious question: what do you do with the six+ Hours when your kids are out of the house? I can’t imagine having that much time for myself every day. I mean, any logistics/chores could all be done within three hours. And with no boss breathing down your neck. I can see how your husband could be resentful.

Not OP but it isn’t that much time. Not OP, but I workout at a gym daily and between going there, taking a shower, running some errands, cleaning up areas of the house (I do a daily pick up plus deep clean parts on a weekly schedule), yard work, I bake our bread daily and cook meals from scratch and that is very time consuming too. Six hours flies by.

Oh, barf. Working moms do all of this with a job (except “bake bread” — WTF — but if they really wanted to do that, they’d do it on the weekend).

You take a shower, work out and run some errands? Wow! Color us all impressed.

Yeah- instead you should push around some papers in an office, zone out through some boring non-productive meetings, pretend to look busy, and scroll DCUM on your phone. That is way more important that taking care of yourself and your home.

Seriously PP, why do you care what someone does with their time and what gives you any authority to decide it is important or not?

+1

Working moms don’t do all that. Most of the working moms I know hire out a lot of the stuff SAHMS do themselves (including, obviously, the after school childcare). Or they have grandparents living with them or nearby. And most have regular cleaners, do meal kits or more frequent takeout, etc. I don’t see why one method is better than the other— they are both fine.

So why trash a SAHM or accuse her of not working? I just don’t see the point. I definitely know a number if SAHMs who unquestioningly work hard and longer than a number if people I know with cushy full time jobs. I also know people with full time jobs and school age kids who have full time nannies who definitely stay plenty busy cooking and cleaning while the kids are at school.

Oh Bullshit! The examples that pp provided were pure freaking laziness. Seriously she listed shower as one of her SAHM duties. She's a freaking adult who should be doing that every freaking day anyway.

[Anonymous]

Just make sure you know how to function once your husband is gone. My lifelong SAHM mother is totally helpless now that my father is gone and we have to figure out everything for her.

[Anonymous]

Good Grief you are lazy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I got a job that allows me to work part time (and be very flexible during school holidays) but pays decently. That was the selling point for my DH -- I was able to find a job that was part-time but with a very good hourly rate. I'd still definitely make more money if I worked full time, but then we'd have to spend more money on childcare and either hire house cleaners or have a messy house all the time. It was very obvious to him that having me limit my hours so I could spend more time with our kids was going to benefit everyone.

I think often the perception is that SAHMs are just sitting around doing nothing. It's frustrating because even if you are working hard every day, people will seize on any example of a SAHM enjoying the perks of her job (like a flexible schedule or, gasp, doing a fun activity with her kids) as evidence that they don't do anything. It's ridiculous because when I worked full time, people didn't assume that just because my office had free snacks, I was useless and lazy. But SAHMs do not get that benefit of the doubt.

So I think the key is to talk to him about the value you provide your family and state in concrete terms what it would cost the family for you to return to work. So if you are meal planning, cleaning, taking care of the kids after school, getting them to activities and also doing all the legwork in getting them enrolled, handling most/all parent commitments at school etc., talk to him about what it would cost to outsource those activities, or what it would look like for your family to go without. Be pointed about it. Outline the real costs. If after that he still thinks you should go back full time, I think you have a husband problem.

Hmm. I do all of the things listed plus more and work full time.

[Anonymous]

DH just said do what makes you happy. So, I never went back to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give him a taste of the chaos that is 2 working parents and he’ll probably support you quitting in no time. That’s what I did.

OH come on.. people do this all the time - 2 working outside the home parents, 3 kids, sports, band, etc. It's not hard. You are busy but so is everyone else. It's not that hard. Driving your kid to activities is a great way to meet people etc. And you don't sit around the house ... (gaining weight)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Serious question: what do you do with the six+ Hours when your kids are out of the house? I can’t imagine having that much time for myself every day. I mean, any logistics/chores could all be done within three hours. And with no boss breathing down your neck. I can see how your husband could be resentful.

Not OP but it isn’t that much time. Not OP, but I workout at a gym daily and between going there, taking a shower, running some errands, cleaning up areas of the house (I do a daily pick up plus deep clean parts on a weekly schedule), yard work, I bake our bread daily and cook meals from scratch and that is very time consuming too. Six hours flies by.

Oh, barf. Working moms do all of this with a job (except “bake bread” — WTF — but if they really wanted to do that, they’d do it on the weekend).

You take a shower, work out and run some errands? Wow! Color us all impressed.

Yeah- instead you should push around some papers in an office, zone out through some boring non-productive meetings, pretend to look busy, and scroll DCUM on your phone. That is way more important that taking care of yourself and your home.

Seriously PP, why do you care what someone does with their time and what gives you any authority to decide it is important or not?

+1

Working moms don’t do all that. Most of the working moms I know hire out a lot of the stuff SAHMS do themselves (including, obviously, the after school childcare). Or they have grandparents living with them or nearby. And most have regular cleaners, do meal kits or more frequent takeout, etc. I don’t see why one method is better than the other— they are both fine.

So why trash a SAHM or accuse her of not working? I just don’t see the point. I definitely know a number if SAHMs who unquestioningly work hard and longer than a number if people I know with cushy full time jobs. I also know people with full time jobs and school age kids who have full time nannies who definitely stay plenty busy cooking and cleaning while the kids are at school.

+1, my mom had a housekeeper to clean the house and do all the laundry twice a week. She cooked and did the grocery shopping but my dad cooked some too. We did no activities as my dad did his sports at night and mom was tired. Before K, we had nannies and preschool. After that it was before/after school care/camps. My mom worked 9-5. Looking back we at dinner together but spent very little time together. On weekends they'd have date nights Friday/Saturday and hire babysitters till we were old enough to stay home alone.

[/quote


Maybe in yout UMC DCUM bubble but no most working moms are not hiring everything out. Get a clue !

I read that post with the PP listing errands and showers as daily activities and why she should stay home and I was laughing my head off.
I work a regular job and it must be magic but I do manage to keep a great clean house, drive my kids to their many activities and bake bread 😂. My husband and kids pitch in. Kids do their own laundry and they each make dinner once a week. I should also say that I have always had great executive functioning skills. I am trying to demonstrate to my daughter the value of financial independence. I have also been telling my son that an equal partnership is important in marriage and that involves both spouses working and participating in household chores and management.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good Grief you are lazy

Totally agree

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should he work if you won’t?

OP here - my view is, why should I do everything I do now plus a job? I would be insane to agree to that. He’s not going to magically do half.

Seriously get over yourself - you wont do EVERYTHING. He will help. Why dont you try talking to him. Making a list of things he will do and you will do - instead of automatically complaining about something that hasn't even happened?? You sound awful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Serious question: what do you do with the six+ Hours when your kids are out of the house? I can’t imagine having that much time for myself every day. I mean, any logistics/chores could all be done within three hours. And with no boss breathing down your neck. I can see how your husband could be resentful.

Not OP but it isn’t that much time. Not OP, but I workout at a gym daily and between going there, taking a shower, running some errands, cleaning up areas of the house (I do a daily pick up plus deep clean parts on a weekly schedule), yard work, I bake our bread daily and cook meals from scratch and that is very time consuming too. Six hours flies by.

[Anonymous]

Get a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should he work if you won’t?

OP here - my view is, why should I do everything I do now plus a job? I would be insane to agree to that. He’s not going to magically do half.

Well, you shouldn't, so he'll need to step up, but you also likely have to realize that some things you do he may not consider valuable like baking fresh bread every day.


OP, my mother was a SAHM and I honestly don't think I benefited from it greatly. She like you wanted to stay home and do all the things you list. Great ! Live your dream, except her dreams came with the cost of her kids having to take out loans to go to college.

Your kids don't need freshly baked bread every day. They would hugely benefit from not having to take out loans to go to school and your income could help build a nice little nest egg so college could be covered for them.