Wife Is Mad At Me

[Anonymous]

DH and I went through building a new house and extensively renovating a fixer upper. We made all the decisions jointly. If one party did not like a choice, we go back to the drawing board, so to speak. There are certain things/styles I love that he hates, so I have to find work arounds.

That said, there were definitely enough times that we made what we thought was the prudent choice at the time, and in hindsight we both said, oh, should have splurged a little on that one, what's 2k or 5k in the grand scheme of things?

You guys have very different approaches to this house. You view it strictly from a practical point of view, ie, you're selling it in 3-5 yrs, therefore it's not worth the money and hassle to upgrade so much cosmetic stuff. She obviously views it differently. Are you sure she's on the same timeline as you regarding the length of time you'll live in the house? Regardless, you two need to compromise. You can acknowledge her desire to live in a beautiful space done to her liking while also suggesting that she prioritize certain things and save on others. Hopefully she's willing to meet you somewhere in the middle.

[Anonymous]

When DH and I bought our house we planned on renovating the bathroom as soon as we could. It had no storage (pedestal sink), a large crack in the floor, and it’s 80 years old so it’s all pink (I’m okay with some pink but not that much).

Right as we were set to start demolition, covid happened and the stock market tanked. DH wanted to use the money we had planned on using for the bathroom and invest it instead.

I was really disappointed but that’s what we did. It still isn’t renovated.

But he approached the topic carefully. He didn’t demand, he asked really nicely. He acknowledged that the bathroom sucks and it’s not easy to deal with, but laid out the benefits of waiting, and they were indeed persuasive. And I know that if I had pushed back he would have said okay let’s go ahead with the remodel.

If he had been aggressive about it or dismissive of my desire to forgo a good investment opportunity just for something that isn’t necessary and wouldn’t recoup the cost upon resale (and it would not have, especially taking opportunity cost into account), the whole thing would have devolved into so much needless drama. I would I have felt disrespected and it also could have turned into a dumb argument about me spending “his” money (im a stay at home mom).

OP it’s reasonable that you don’t want to spend this money but the way you’re dealing with the disagreement seems relay immature and frankly disrespectful. Probably both of of your are making that mistake. Read a John Gottman book and grow up a little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she generally a spendthrift? Are you generally a tightwad?

This won’t end well.

OP here. Not on material things like designer clothes but she spends a lot on good quality food, skincare, and things for the house. I’m not uptight.

This has got to be a troll or a woman posting as DH. Skincare gave it away

OP here. No. Unlike most, I take of my skin and know quite a bit about thanks for wife and mom. My mom was a dermatologist and taught me a lot about skin growing up. My wife takes very good care of her skin and had been teaching me to do that same. I don’t go all out but I use a vitamin c serum she uses, a moisturizer, and a sunscreen. Men can take care of their skin too.

You sound high maintenance too. You guys a good fit and will be broke soon

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she generally a spendthrift? Are you generally a tightwad?

This won’t end well.

OP here. Not on material things like designer clothes but she spends a lot on good quality food, skincare, and things for the house. I’m not uptight.

This has got to be a troll or a woman posting as DH. Skincare gave it away

OP here. No. Unlike most, I take of my skin and know quite a bit about thanks for wife and mom. My mom was a dermatologist and taught me a lot about skin growing up. My wife takes very good care of her skin and had been teaching me to do that same. I don’t go all out but I use a vitamin c serum she uses, a moisturizer, and a sunscreen. Men can take care of their skin too.

You sound high maintenance too. You guys a good fit and will be broke soon

No. Go get some sunscreen and a vitamin c serum. That is just basic taking care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

OP, lots of good feedback on this thread.

Here is another way to think about it: Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I’m the main cook and clean up the house.

[Anonymous]

$8k is a very small upgrade budget, and if you do this later instead of ahead of move in, it becomes an infinitely larger hassle. Why do you feel like your opinion matters more than hers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even though I feel like this is a troll:
Does she work/have her own income?

OP here. I’m not a troll. She has a specific idea of what she’s likes. We went through over 20 houses and she couldn’t like them for the smallest reasons. She likes things her style ( which is basically just white, gray, and black). She said why should she pay all this money for a house that she doesn’t love coming home to? We agreed that we would do minor things like paints and change out down hardware in the kitchen and bathrooms.

She works FT.

I have news for you - $5k-$8k is minor for moving into a new house. You should agree to this and then talk about a yearly budget for future years. And try to appreciate that you have a partner that wants to make a nice home for the two of you.

[Anonymous]

If money is not tight, let her do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:$8k is a very small upgrade budget, and if you do this later instead of ahead of move in, it becomes an infinitely larger hassle. Why do you feel like your opinion matters more than hers?

OP here. We already live in the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:$5-8k is a very small upgrade budget for most DMV neighborhoods. Do you live here?

+1

I’m surprised you can even get a GC or workers fir such a small job given how competitive it is out there for labor on new builds, higher margin larger gigs.

[Anonymous]

Is OP even in the Dc area?

[Anonymous]

Sheesh, OP, be happy you had houses to choose from. You weren't being outbid by 60 other potential buyers overpaying for the same property. A few grand here or there? Just lean into it, hon. You'll all be happier in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$8k is a very small upgrade budget, and if you do this later instead of ahead of move in, it becomes an infinitely larger hassle. Why do you feel like your opinion matters more than hers?

OP here. We already live in the house.

Great. Now answer the second part.

[Anonymous]

Is the move in 3-5 years set in stone? If so, I lean towards your side that a minor cosmetic change from farmhouse to stainless steel sink is a waste of money at $5-$8k. If the move is just a “theory”, however, I’d be more likely to support a change.

By the way, the “happy wife, happy life” posters are disgusting. It is a partnership, the woman doesn’t get everything she wants.