Wife Is Mad At Me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It is not emotionally mature to react to an adult with “calm but firm adult authority.” No. That isn’t how a partnership works.

If the other person behaves like an adult partner, then they are treated like an adult partner. If the other person acts like a child, then they are treated like a child. If one person tries to manipulate or intimidate the other by displaying anger, then the manipulator has violated the partnership and lost the right to be treated as an adult.

You don’t react with “authority.” You do not have any authority over another adult.

I most certainly do, in many different situations, and anyone who attempts to use anger to manipulate or intimidate me is going to learn very quickly that this is not acceptable.

This whole bringing “parental authority” analogy into a marriage partnership is just a childlike way of looking at relationships. “Act like a child and I’ll treat you like a child” is a tit for tat “she started it” way of dealing with things. It suggests massive insecurity that you can’t respond by trying to see where they are coming from and saying any subsequent compromise is being weak and giving in.

Wrong. One should be willing to compromise when there has been a calm and reasonable discussion between adults of the pros and cons. It is not weak or insecure to compromise in that situation. Compromise is not possible if one party is using anger and emotional blackmail to get their way. That is not what adult partners do to each other. In that case, you are definitely giving in through weakness, and the other person will use that technique on you again and again. Because it works. And that's on you for being so weak as to let it work on you.

it is unlikely that OP’s wife is having a tantrum and using emotional manipulation to get what she wants.

She is absolutely using emotional blackmail - "I am mad at you for not doing what I want, and I will stay mad until you do what I want."

lol you are a piece of work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We spent 200K gut-renovating. You're getting off easy, OP!
Seriously, if you can afford it, make her happy.

OP here. We specifically chose houses that were move in-ready. We will only be here for 3, maybe 5 years tops. I don’t want to spend money that will not increase resale value.

I don't think this has been addressed, but the 3-5 years tops is your PLAN. You don't really know what's going to happen. Frankly, much better to make some changes/upgrades (closets are upgrades!) now instead of finding yourself in a situation where you aren't selling in 3-5 years and no longer have the money to do things and then you've got some real resentment on your hands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$5-8k is a very small upgrade budget for most DMV neighborhoods. Do you live here?

OP here. I admit that I’m a naive to what things cost. I just don’t see the point in “ upgrading” to what basically looks like the same thing.

That is very cheap. She must be doing something right. Go with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We spent 200K gut-renovating. You're getting off easy, OP!
Seriously, if you can afford it, make her happy.

OP here. We specifically chose houses that were move in-ready. We will only be here for 3, maybe 5 years tops. I don’t want to spend money that will not increase resale value.

I don't think this has been addressed, but the 3-5 years tops is your PLAN. You don't really know what's going to happen. Frankly, much better to make some changes/upgrades (closets are upgrades!) now instead of finding yourself in a situation where you aren't selling in 3-5 years and no longer have the money to do things and then you've got some real resentment on your hands.

Agree. What if mortgage rates are 6% in five years? Moving could be quite costly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems wasteful to rip out perfectly nice finishes and throw them in the trash just because of design preferences. Bad for the environment and wasteful spending. Ask her if she wants to take 10k out of the furnishings budget to do this?

+1. Your wife sounds annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You made a bad financial decision of buying a house you plan to sell in maybe 3 years and you are sweating $5k? I don’t understand that thinking.

How do you know it’s a bad financial decision. You don’t know their finances.