Weird situation with new neighbor from high school - WWYD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would feel bad for her, but approaching the kids is way out of bounds. I honestly would be a little scared of someone who did that before ever talking to me.

This is a good point. I missed it when reading OP's post. It is concerning that she spoke to children 1) about this, and 2) in this way. I think OP needs to have a talk with her kids about avoiding this woman. She really overstepped and seems to be a little off.

Honestly OP would be justified in contacting the police about this woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So she found out where you live, found out what your kids look like, and approached them while they were out riding their bikes and confronted them about perceived slights from 20 years ago? That’s stalker-like behavior. I’d communicate to her with a witness or in writing that if she has something to say to you she can do so, but she needs to stay away from your children.

Hello- I was thinking the same thing. Why did it take so many pages here for someone to point out-- how in the heck did this person know where you lived and whonyour kids are without stalking you? I would be freaked out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t do anything and be as gracious as you can when anyone mentions it. Something like “I don’t recall that we knew each other very well but I know high school can be tough and I hope I didn’t hurt her feelings somehow.”
No one who meets a woman like this is going to assume you did anything bad. They’re going to assume she was a little nuts then and is a little nuts now. Just be generous and gracious and don’t add to any gossip about it.

+1 The longer they know her the more nuts they will realize that she is. Be gracious, gracious, gracious. Then when the other people realize, they'll say something but continue to be gracious, gracious, gracious.

Yeah, I mean having a horrible experience in high school can be really scarring for some people. I imagine just being gracious and apologizing is a good start. You probably don't even remember the stuff that happened to her but she clearly does. I still remember the kids that bullied me in middle school. It was horrible and I still live with those scars. I turned out fine and blossomed after attending a different high school and would never consider stalking them. I rarely give them a though. However, these things run deep. You never know someone else's personal narrative. It might be worth reaching out and just listening. Some people want that -- to be heard and then, apologize and mean it. Who knows? You might become friends with her. It's better than having an enemy.

+1

This is terribly, terribly rational for DCUM. You new here?

OP said her friends from high school confirmed that at least 2 girls in their group were quite mean to the new neighbor. So there is definitely something there, she was part of the “group” that bullied this girl.

So when you see her again, I would sincerely apologize for the impact of the actions of her friend group. It sounds like OP didn’t object to the treatment nor was kind and inclusive to someone who was awkward. Personally, I would regret those actions/ lack of actions and the harm that resulted. It is also an opportunity to explain that you have really grown since high school and look forward to being neighbors.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t do anything and be as gracious as you can when anyone mentions it. Something like “I don’t recall that we knew each other very well but I know high school can be tough and I hope I didn’t hurt her feelings somehow.”
No one who meets a woman like this is going to assume you did anything bad. They’re going to assume she was a little nuts then and is a little nuts now. Just be generous and gracious and don’t add to any gossip about it.

+1 The longer they know her the more nuts they will realize that she is. Be gracious, gracious, gracious. Then when the other people realize, they'll say something but continue to be gracious, gracious, gracious.

Yeah, I mean having a horrible experience in high school can be really scarring for some people. I imagine just being gracious and apologizing is a good start. You probably don't even remember the stuff that happened to her but she clearly does. I still remember the kids that bullied me in middle school. It was horrible and I still live with those scars. I turned out fine and blossomed after attending a different high school and would never consider stalking them. I rarely give them a though. However, these things run deep. You never know someone else's personal narrative. It might be worth reaching out and just listening. Some people want that -- to be heard and then, apologize and mean it. Who knows? You might become friends with her. It's better than having an enemy.

+1

This is terribly, terribly rational for DCUM. You new here?

OP said her friends from high school confirmed that at least 2 girls in their group were quite mean to the new neighbor. So there is definitely something there, she was part of the “group” that bullied this girl.

So when you see her again, I would sincerely apologize for the impact of the actions of her friend group. It sounds like OP didn’t object to the treatment nor was kind and inclusive to someone who was awkward. Personally, I would regret those actions/ lack of actions and the harm that resulted. It is also an opportunity to explain that you have really grown since high school and look forward to being neighbors.

+100

-100, this woman sounds like a loon. Keep your distance because she sounds like a bunny boiler. I wouldn't grovel with a ridiculous speech like above to someone who is borderline harassing OP.

[Anonymous]

Never too late to be a grown up, or a decent human being, OP.

Just saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never too late to be a grown up, or a decent human being, OP.

Just saying.

Perhaps the neighbor should act like a grown up too? Instead of confronting her kids and trash talking her to whoever would listen she should have approached OP like a grown up woman first to let her know that she remembered her, and not in a good way, and hopes now that they were adults they could have a fresh start. That would give OP a chance to find out what happened to the past and try to make amends. But, neighbor blew it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t do anything and be as gracious as you can when anyone mentions it. Something like “I don’t recall that we knew each other very well but I know high school can be tough and I hope I didn’t hurt her feelings somehow.”
No one who meets a woman like this is going to assume you did anything bad. They’re going to assume she was a little nuts then and is a little nuts now. Just be generous and gracious and don’t add to any gossip about it.

+1 The longer they know her the more nuts they will realize that she is. Be gracious, gracious, gracious. Then when the other people realize, they'll say something but continue to be gracious, gracious, gracious.

Yeah, I mean having a horrible experience in high school can be really scarring for some people. I imagine just being gracious and apologizing is a good start. You probably don't even remember the stuff that happened to her but she clearly does. I still remember the kids that bullied me in middle school. It was horrible and I still live with those scars. I turned out fine and blossomed after attending a different high school and would never consider stalking them. I rarely give them a though. However, these things run deep. You never know someone else's personal narrative. It might be worth reaching out and just listening. Some people want that -- to be heard and then, apologize and mean it. Who knows? You might become friends with her. It's better than having an enemy.

+1

This is terribly, terribly rational for DCUM. You new here?

OP said her friends from high school confirmed that at least 2 girls in their group were quite mean to the new neighbor. So there is definitely something there, she was part of the “group” that bullied this girl.

So when you see her again, I would sincerely apologize for the impact of the actions of her friend group. It sounds like OP didn’t object to the treatment nor was kind and inclusive to someone who was awkward. Personally, I would regret those actions/ lack of actions and the harm that resulted. It is also an opportunity to explain that you have really grown since high school and look forward to being neighbors.

Alll of this. OP the fact that she said something to your children is unfortunate, but even that and your lack of memory of any direct interactions with this person shouldn't preclude you from hearing out some of these PPs on this post, and practicing grace. You don't need to grovel or admit to something you definitely didn't do, but you can listen, and express kindness. Don't worry about your reputation from high school; that's not at stake. Don't dwell on the woman's past or current awkwardness; that's petty. I think you can rise to this occasion.

[Anonymous]

Maybe take note of the nutty interactions in case they continue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So she found out where you live, found out what your kids look like, and approached them while they were out riding their bikes and confronted them about perceived slights from 20 years ago? That’s stalker-like behavior. I’d communicate to her with a witness or in writing that if she has something to say to you she can do so, but she needs to stay away from your children.

Hello- I was thinking the same thing. Why did it take so many pages here for someone to point out-- how in the heck did this person know where you lived and whonyour kids are without stalking you? I would be freaked out.

NP and such a good point. If our kids aren’t friends, I don’t know the first and last names of the people in the neighborhood. I know the people immediately next to us and across from us but she sounds more distant than that. Someone from my high school could move in and I wouldn’t know until I ran into them. I wouldn’t recognize their kids and approach first. And DH would never pay attention to notice some random husband and talk to him like that unless I was really upset and obsessing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never too late to be a grown up, or a decent human being, OP.

Just saying.

I agree with this. Even if you think what you did wasn’t that bad, it’s possible she was really vulnerable at the time— maybe dealing with stuff at home or body image issues. Maybe she really needed a friend back then and thought you might be one, and instead you were unkind. You might remind her not only of whatever you and your friends did to her, but also whatever else was going on in her life back then, which might have been terrible.

That’s why being hurtful or cruel is so dangerous. I think often people assume the person they are hurting has the same resources they have- a loving family, self-regard. But often people who tend to draw this kind of treatment don’t have that. That’s how they got socially awkward in the first place. And your unkindness compounds it.

I’d apologize honestly, tell her you hope you’ve matured since then, and ask her to give you another chance to treat her well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never too late to be a grown up, or a decent human being, OP.

Just saying.

I agree with this. Even if you think what you did wasn’t that bad, it’s possible she was really vulnerable at the time— maybe dealing with stuff at home or body image issues. Maybe she really needed a friend back then and thought you might be one, and instead you were unkind. You might remind her not only of whatever you and your friends did to her, but also whatever else was going on in her life back then, which might have been terrible.

That’s why being hurtful or cruel is so dangerous. I think often people assume the person they are hurting has the same resources they have- a loving family, self-regard. But often people who tend to draw this kind of treatment don’t have that. That’s how they got socially awkward in the first place. And your unkindness compounds it.

I’d apologize honestly, tell her you hope you’ve matured since then, and ask her to give you another chance to treat her well.

Why would OP want to be friends with someone who would approach her children in such a manner? It's weird how everyone is brushing it off like it's no big thing. It's a red flag that something is wrong with this person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I'm sorry you feel that way, I hope we can develop a better relationship now that we're neighbors!"

Here's a public service announcement:

DON'T EVER USE THIS PHRASE.

EVER.

TO ANYONE.

IT'S WORSE THAN THE ORIGINAL OFFENSE.

NEVER SAY IT.

EVER.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:it sounds like you were snobby and exclusive towards her.

You and your friends considered her “socially awkward” and were exclusive to her. She was probably just trying to be friendly and your friends interpreted that as her pushing her self into situations where she was t welcome. Because you were too cool to hang out with her.

And she remembers that you were snobby and mean and exclusive.

There were girls like that in my high school class. I would hate to live near them or work near them because they would bring up bad feelings.

So yeah, you were a mean girl in high school and now it’s coming back to bite you.

Can’t say I feel sorry for you.

I pretend not to remember the mean girls. "Did we go to school together? It was a big class..." I don't have to pretend with some of them.

Op, talk to her in private, see where she's coming from. The fact that she has her kids and husband commenting on it is... weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So she found out where you live, found out what your kids look like, and approached them while they were out riding their bikes and confronted them about perceived slights from 20 years ago? That’s stalker-like behavior. I’d communicate to her with a witness or in writing that if she has something to say to you she can do so, but she needs to stay away from your children.

Hello- I was thinking the same thing. Why did it take so many pages here for someone to point out-- how in the heck did this person know where you lived and whonyour kids are without stalking you? I would be freaked out.

Yes!

I can't see that she's going to endear herself to anyone in the neighborhood either.

[Anonymous]

The other neighbors will find her peculiar and then she will tell her husband it is all your doing.