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Weird situation with new neighbor from high school - WWYD
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Anonymous
You sound like you are still in high school. These replies aren’t the clever quips you seem to think they are. You sound like an immature fool. |
Anonymous
But if I don’t know someone from a hole in the wall and they come in guns blazing for someone i do know, then its the unknown person who comes across poorly. This is not a good way to make a good first impression on new neighbors and it will surely backfire. She will probably last 2 years and then move. |
Anonymous
Maybe, but that's only true if OP already has a great rep in the neighborhood and there are no people who might hear this story and think, "Huh, you know, she's always rubbed me the wrong way." This isn't an attack on OP -- I don't' know her and for all I know, her version of events is 100% correct. But I do know people and I know how neighborhood gossip mills work. And it's actually rare for someone to have an unimpeachable reputation. Usually people have some friends and then there might be one or two people who are meh on them. And then everyone else is kind of neutral. If the new neighbor catches one of the "meh" people, or worse -- someone who has a legitimate beef or grip about OP, all bets are off. Another thing to keep in mind and take from this thread is that there are lots of people out there who have very specific feelings about childhood bullying and experiences. Just as some people on this thread think OP must have done something to provoke this behavior, there may be people with this attitude in the neighborhood. And it might not matter what their previous experience with OP was. If your own kid got excluded and made fun of in HS, this story might hit really close to home and immediately make you wary of OP and her kids. Not saying that's right, but it's human and it could happen. Which is why I would extend an olive branch, apologize for past behavior even if you don't remember it, and then always make an effort to be polite and friendly around this woman in the future. At a minimum, this is a good defense if it ever comes up again. "Oh, Larla? Yeah, I guess we had some stuff in high school, you know how adolescence is. I actually had her over last week and we talked it through and I apologized for being an idiot back then. She seems like a pleasant person -- I don't think we'll ever be best friends, but I'm so glad we had a chance to bury the hatchet." It makes you look like the bigger person, it protects your reputation, and bonus, it actually might help the neighbor get over whatever she is dealing with. It actually costs you nothing because, as everyone keeps saying, this was 30 years ago and doesn't matter anymore. So why not just apologize and tell her how bad you feel about it. A few moments of awkwardness and vulnerability in exchange for peace. It's worth it. Apologies are pretty cool actually and can solve lots of problems. Learning to put your ego aside and give people what they want in situations like this is an incredibly useful social skill more people should learn because it can make life a lot easier for everyone. |
Anonymous
+1 This is a very mature and compassionate post, thank you. OP, you have no idea what other people are going through. No one tells you all of their issues. You may think you "know" someone, and honestly, whether you never talked to them, or you talk to them every day, you will never have someone's entire story, it is just not possible to know everything about any particular person. Also, there are two sides of your version - maybe it happened the way you said, maybe not, but most likely - there is an in between story that is more accurate. If your story is accurate, OP, you must have done something terrible, for the neighbor to think that telling your kids is the right thing to do. Maybe she thought your kids should know that you were/are a terrible person, or not, who knows. Would the neighbor have been damned if she did, or damned if the didn't (ie: she ignored your kids)? I don't believe if you were really "so worried" about the situation, that you would come here and tell us. If you or her were stalking, wouldn't the police be involved? Maybe that will come into play. Again, who knows. Some people find it important to control things beyond their control (which is of course, is a fruitless and pointless waste of time to rational beings), and that might be coming into play, also - you or the other person. Ask yourself why it is so important to you to control your narrative about the other person, OP. What are you covering up, to the neighbors? Ask yourself why someone, who has been out of your life for years (in this case decades) has such an impact on you. Not saying the other person in particular was/is right or not. In fact, you are both wrong. But, maybe you can smooth the issue at large, instead of being overly concerned about the neighbors opinions, who have seen only what you (until now) have chosen to present. You are not being realistic, OP - and life has a funny way of reminding us of that, sometimes. I was not bullied, nor did I bully, and I try to teach my kids the same, to be grateful. You don't have to like everyone, but you also do not have to start a neighborhood high school like mean girl crusade, to even some perceived or imagined score. If you want to talk to the neighbor fine - if not, fine. But don't prove the other neighbors right by going into high school mean girl overdrive. If you do, the neighbors will lose any respect they might have had for you, and I have seen it happen, first hand. Learn to keep your mouth shut, even to people you think you are your friend, because gossip always (always) makes it back to the unintended audience. In short, grow up. |
Anonymous
Maybe OP has no place to go. |
Anonymous
Just a big fat no to all this towards someone who has accosted my kids. Neighbor is obviously harboring a decades old grudge and acting unpredictably. Hard pass. |
Anonymous
I’m so sure you bend over backwards with the welcome mat for people who are inappropriate with your kids. 
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Anonymous
+1 This is the correct answer, but it does not seem as if OP is "up to the task" - or mature enough to handle the situation properly, frankly. |
Anonymous
We are taking OP's word for it. I would like to hear the other side, myself. |
Anonymous
Well that’s all we have to go on. It’s weird to spin fantasies about horrible bullying and trauma suffering given so few details. OP is probably a troll anyway who hasn’t revisited this thread. |
Anonymous
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I was socially awkward and bullied in middle school and high school. It was miserable.
At my ten year reunion, it was clear I had surpassed most of my classmates in education and career success. One of the mean girls from high school called me a loser at the reunion happy hour. I made a quip about my education, career, and world travel asked who really was the loser. If I happened to move into the same neighborhood as her, I would not say anything to her kids or her husband or to the neighbors. That would be creepy. And obsessive. |
Anonymous
This is how to handle it. Living well is the best revenge. Neighbor is going about it all wrong. |
Anonymous
+1 BUT - do we know whether or not "living well" (and perhaps showing a bit "too much happiness") might be what is setting one or the other side off? Not everyone is reasonable. We had a rather sweet, kind, accomplished neighbor move, because in spite of all her negative life events, she was a rather positive person. I try to emulate her amazing coping mechanisms, and her amazing disposition. I honestly can't touch her accomplishments or life stories, once I knew her well - but suffice to say she is a "good person to know" or a "great person to have on your side". The resident mean girl took my friend's presence and "sunny" disposition as a personal affront, and went into battle mode (see PP's post about "it's on!!" - not everyone is sane, especially holding the mean girl mentality into one's 40's). The resident mean girl wasn't having it, my friend, for lack of a better term - made the bully neighbor look bad. My friend was not the first of last person to leave that neighborhood. The bully had been born and raised in the area, and saw it as her "turf". And so it goes. The bully is still miserable, nothing makes her happy (surprise, surprise) and my friend is living her best life - because that is all she knows, and no one can take that away from her. My friend is the type who can weather anything, and she has, which I consider a priceless gift. The bully is someone who people are nice to out of obligation, because well - she is not quite all there. Not saying the person in the bully psoition is always wrong, or the person in the target position is always right. But, if OP keeps talking about it, it does OP no justice. |
Skinnydad
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| I'd just let it go and not worry about it. You could apologize, but it doesn't sound like it's really warranted. It sounds more like something that was going on in her own head that doesn't match reality. My approach would be "not my problem." From your story, it seems like she could have some issues in the old coconut. |
Anonymous
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Which is why I would extend an olive branch, apologize for past behavior even if you don't remember it, and then always make an effort to be polite and friendly around this woman in the future. At a minimum, this is a good defense if it ever comes up again. "Oh, Larla? Yeah, I guess we had some stuff in high school, you know how adolescence is. I actually had her over last week and we talked it through and I apologized for being an idiot back then. She seems like a pleasant person -- I don't think we'll ever be best friends, but I'm so glad we had a chance to bury the hatchet."
It makes you look like the bigger person, it protects your reputation, and bonus, it actually might help the neighbor get over whatever she is dealing with. It actually costs you nothing because, as everyone keeps saying, this was 30 years ago and doesn't matter anymore. So why not just apologize and tell her how bad you feel about it. A few moments of awkwardness and vulnerability in exchange for peace. It's worth it. Apologies are pretty cool actually and can solve lots of problems. Learning to put your ego aside and give people what they want in situations like this is an incredibly useful social skill more people should learn because it can make life a lot easier for everyone.
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