Weird situation with new neighbor from high school - WWYD

[Anonymous]

OP, believing that "stuff said about you" in the neighborhood matters, is something you need to get over. You ain't that important.

[Anonymous]

At some point I'd just let her know that for the life of me I couldn't remember her but I'm sorry for her recollection- tell her you will bring up her name to some high school friends to see if they remember her. That's how I'd handle it as I know damn sure I wasn't mean to anyone- and I'd want to get her sorted out if she was confusing me with someone. "You're apparently mentioned your recollection a few times with people now, but I honestly don't remember you- I am sorry".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t do anything and be as gracious as you can when anyone mentions it. Something like “I don’t recall that we knew each other very well but I know high school can be tough and I hope I didn’t hurt her feelings somehow.”
No one who meets a woman like this is going to assume you did anything bad. They’re going to assume she was a little nuts then and is a little nuts now. Just be generous and gracious and don’t add to any gossip about it.

+1 The longer they know her the more nuts they will realize that she is. Be gracious, gracious, gracious. Then when the other people realize, they'll say something but continue to be gracious, gracious, gracious.

Yeah, I mean having a horrible experience in high school can be really scarring for some people. I imagine just being gracious and apologizing is a good start. You probably don't even remember the stuff that happened to her but she clearly does. I still remember the kids that bullied me in middle school. It was horrible and I still live with those scars. I turned out fine and blossomed after attending a different high school and would never consider stalking them. I rarely give them a though. However, these things run deep. You never know someone else's personal narrative. It might be worth reaching out and just listening. Some people want that -- to be heard and then, apologize and mean it. Who knows? You might become friends with her. It's better than having an enemy.

+1

This is terribly, terribly rational for DCUM. You new here?

OP said her friends from high school confirmed that at least 2 girls in their group were quite mean to the new neighbor. So there is definitely something there, she was part of the “group” that bullied this girl.

So when you see her again, I would sincerely apologize for the impact of the actions of her friend group. It sounds like OP didn’t object to the treatment nor was kind and inclusive to someone who was awkward. Personally, I would regret those actions/ lack of actions and the harm that resulted. It is also an opportunity to explain that you have really grown since high school and look forward to being neighbors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have lived in our home a long time and are well established here. We go for walks, we chat with neighbors, lend tools, kids are running back and forth, the usual. Recently my kids came in from riding bikes and told me a woman came up to them asked if their mom was [my name], and when they confirmed she said she'd gone to high school with me and I was very mean to her. They were like, "Uh ... sorry about that." They biked off and told me later that day.

A few days ago my husband was outside doing some garden stuff and a guy approached HIM, said he just moved to the area, they chatted, and then the guy told DH "I think our wives went to high school together, but didn't get along." The guy kind of laughed it off, and the conversation moved along. Yesterday, I was out for a walk with a neighbor/friend who's going through a tough time, we round the corner, and nearly bump into .... a woman I vaguely recognized. It's her - the woman I went to high school with!

We apologized for almost bumping into her. I was searching my brain for her name and she introduced herself to my neighbor/friend and said, "Jessica and I went to high school together, but we weren't friends to say the least. She and her friends hated me, right?" It was awkward. My neighbor was like, "Oh, well ... high school was so long ago, we're all more mature now and Jess is a great friend to have now," and we quickly said goodbye and walked on.

Here's the thing: I barely remember interacting with this woman when we were high school girls! If I was mean to her, it was probably by ignoring her. But apparently she is going to introduce herself to everyone by connecting herself to me and announcing some history we had that I don't remember. How do I handle this? Do I owe her an apology for perceived slights? I reached out to two people from high school that I'm FB friends with, to ask their recollection of her and both basically said she was super awkward and always trying to push her way into conversations and activities she wasn't welcome in. Neither could remember me being specifically mean to her, and both mentioned other girls who they said WERE mean to her. Do I go talk to her? Do I defend my reputation? Nothing?

From the way you describe her and how you treated her, you were a Mean Girl in high school. I don't feel bad for you. You have this coming.

[Anonymous]

Can you just say “I don’t remember but I am sorry if I made high school more difficult for you.” Healing starts with being heard and all that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I normally say something shocking in return like, “You’re right, I am such a b*#ch. You should ask my husband and kids.” Normally people are stunned and are not sure how to respond. I then normally laugh and walk away breezily.

If she approaches your children again just have them say something like “you’re right, she is the worst!”

Always say it in a friendly way with a smile - makes them more nervous.

"I normally say..."??
How often is this said to you that you'd need a prepared statement? 🤨

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, believing that "stuff said about you" in the neighborhood matters, is something you need to get over.
You ain't that important.

Right???
That's what makes me believe her mean girl reputation is true.

She's acting like it's high school all over again, but this time it's claiming dominion over het popularity in the neighborhood.

Even her friends pre-prepared comment of:

"Oh, well ... high school was so long ago, we're all more mature now and Jess is a great friend to have now"

falls right in line with her persona, lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:it sounds like you were snobby and exclusive towards her.

You and your friends considered her “socially awkward” and were exclusive to her. She was probably just trying to be friendly and your friends interpreted that as her pushing her self into situations where she was t welcome. Because you were too cool to hang out with her.

And she remembers that you were snobby and mean and exclusive.

There were girls like that in my high school class. I would hate to live near them or work near them because they would bring up bad feelings.

So yeah, you were a mean girl in high school and now it’s coming back to bite you.

Can’t say I feel sorry for you.

Actually you have it backwards. Nothing is coming back to OP. A new person moving in and trashing an established neighbor is super awkward. The awkward girl grew up to be an even more awkward woman. Thats sad and I feel bad for her, but I wouldn’t ditch my friend over it. Realistically, I would just try to avoid her, to be honest. Nobody wants to deal with other people’s drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you just say “I don’t remember but I am sorry if I made high school more difficult for you.” Healing starts with being heard and all that.

+1. it is kind of odd that this women is talking about this with everyone, but if I were you I would just apologize. It sounds like you were part of a group that spurned her. Just because she was socially awkward back then doesn't mean she was a horrible person who deserved that. High school can be tough for the socially awkward. just imagine if that happened to one of your kids. If I were you I'd try to be the bigger person now. You have nothing to lose.

[Anonymous]

OP you mentioned your old friends saying they remember other girls being mean to the new neighbor. Were the other girls part of your group?

[Anonymous]

How is it OP’s fault that people she knew was mean to thus chick?
Are you responsible for the behavior of everyone you know???
OP does not even remember her.

[Anonymous]

Huh. I'm actually completely torn between "she's nuts, ignore her" and "while you may not remember, you obviously hurt her deeply."

I guess there's no harm in apologizing for any pain you may have caused her. After that, though, if she keeps bringing it up, I'd ignore and try to keep my distance.

[Anonymous]

I would feel bad for her, but approaching the kids is way out of bounds. I honestly would be a little scared of someone who did that before ever talking to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t do anything and be as gracious as you can when anyone mentions it. Something like “I don’t recall that we knew each other very well but I know high school can be tough and I hope I didn’t hurt her feelings somehow.”
No one who meets a woman like this is going to assume you did anything bad. They’re going to assume she was a little nuts then and is a little nuts now. Just be generous and gracious and don’t add to any gossip about it.

All of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would feel bad for her, but approaching the kids is way out of bounds. I honestly would be a little scared of someone who did that before ever talking to me.

This is a good point. I missed it when reading OP's post. It is concerning that she spoke to children 1) about this, and 2) in this way. I think OP needs to have a talk with her kids about avoiding this woman. She really overstepped and seems to be a little off.