Dating Two Guys - Need To Make A Decision

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted the same questions a few weeks ago. I was leaning towards one, but decided to keep dating both and see what happened (while being honest with both, of course).

I’m really glad I did, because the one I was leaning towards ended up having problems that didn’t come out until later on.

I think there’s generally a lot of pressure on women to choose, commit, and put out early on, but 5 dates is nothing. I think it takes a solid 12-15 before people’s true colors begin to show.

Let them know you aren’t ready to be exclusive and keep dating both another few weeks. How they handle it will tell you a LOT about their character. A man who can’t wait 2-3 months to be physically intimate and pressure you to choose is NOT the kind of man you want to be with long term.

Were you the poster who was seeing the doctor and the other guy who you had more chemistry with? If so - what happened?

Yup that was me

I was leaning towards doctor guy, since he had no kids, a good career, and he was a very sweet guy. But it started becoming clear he had some challenges with mental health. Which I understand, but that’s not something I want to manage long-term. He also started feeling insecure that I didn’t want to rush things physically, and even though he said he was fine with it and didn’t outright pressure me, he started asking questions I was uncomfortable with.

Things are so much better with chemistry guy. I’m much more at ease, we have more in common, our conversation flows so much better, and it feels way more natural. I also went through a stressful situation while dating both, and he handled it much better.

OP, I missed the other thread. Is there some reason why you're not picking better chemistry guy? It sounds like you've already decided that you're not interested in marriage and kids with the doctor.

This post was from a different poster, not the OP of this thread.

[Anonymous]

Neither. If it’s a decision you have to contemplate, then you’re not really into either one. You probably like them both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Neither. If it’s a decision you have to contemplate, then you’re not really into either one. You probably like them both.

-+1. There’s and old saying in football, “When you have two quarterbacks, it just means you don’t have one.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are they? What do they do? How much money do they make?

OP here. This thread has taken off! Things have been busy and I haven’t been on here to respond until now.

Guy 1 is 37, In finance, and makes between $200-300k. I have an idea but I’m not sure exactly how much he makes.

Guy 2 is 39, doctor, and makes between $400-500k. I have an idea of how much he makes but don’t know how much exactly.

It’s much more than money for me. I want a husband with a good career, but I want someone than is stable, dependable, honest, kind, respectful, etc. I want a man that will be a good partner and father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do each of their families stack up against each other? If you are thinking marriage/kids the family you marry into can matter a lot. How often do they talk to parents? Siblings? Where does family live? What are their obligations regarding family (money, time etc)?

OP here. I’ve been dating both for a month, so I don’t know too much about their families. Guy 1 does seem to be closer to his family, but guy 2 also seems to have a good relationship with his family. I don’t have the greatest relationship with my family, so I really don’t hold that against anyone. It’s not an issue for me if a guy didn’t that close with his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do either of these men know that you are dating another guy?

Do they think you are exclusive??

OP here. They don’t exactly about the other one but both know I’m dating others. We are not exclusive. I went on 5 dates with both guys. It’s been about a month.

I normally don’t sleep with two people at the same time, but sex is important to me, and I want to make sure there is good sexual chemistry. I spent the last two relationships not dating others and ended up with guys I was sure were going to be good and it never worked out. This time I decided I was going to date more than once guy until I found someone I really liked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you sleep with both of them? That’s kind of gross.

Why would you assume that? She’s only been out with them each five times.

And who cares if she did/does sleep with them both? Her body. She can do it safely. I don't think it's gross at all.

OP here. It was on different days and I used protection with both of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask, "What do you think your life will look like in 5 years?" to see whose life goals better align with yours.

Who do you have more in common? Who are you more attracted to? Who is closer with their family? Who is kinder/more patient/thoughtful? Who would you want to quarantine with for a year?

Once you answer all those questions, one should be in the lead.

OP here. I like guy 1 more but I’m not sure I’m ready to only date him. I’ve been in positions where I was exclusive after 2-3 dates with a guy and that didn’t work out. I don’t want to put all my attention into one guy only to realize a couple of months down the road it won’t be a good fit and have to start over again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait, why do you need to pick and what's the rush, again?

OP here. Both have talked about being exclusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:as long as they don't think you are exclusive, you have every right to sleep with whoever you want.

Who would you miss if you stopped seeing them?
Does either have a family history that you wouldn't want to replicate (because yes, men repeat their fathers history)?
What do you want and when? Marriage and kids? On what timeline? Does either of them align with that?

OP here. Both of them have similar timelines but I don’t really put too much into it. Many people say they want marriage/kids but then you’re dating for 1-2 years without moving closer to marriage or kids.

I do like guy 1 and there’s just a comfortable feeling with him that I don’t have with guy 2. I would like marriage and 1-2 kids by the time I’m 40 ( 32 now). Ideally married by 35 and kids by 40. Both guys want the same thing.

[Anonymous]

You have plenty of time to have kids. No need to put so much pressure on yourself. Just keep dating both until you get a clearer picture. Fertility generally starts dropping off quick at age 35 but not everyone is the same. If you are that worried, schedule an appointment with an RE to test your AMH and other factors. Maybe you have very good ovarian reserve and can get pregnant well into your early forties. And if tou don’t, consider freezing your eggs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have plenty of time to have kids. No need to put so much pressure on yourself. Just keep dating both until you get a clearer picture. Fertility generally starts dropping off quick at age 35 but not everyone is the same. If you are that worried, schedule an appointment with an RE to test your AMH and other factors. Maybe you have very good ovarian reserve and can get pregnant well into your early forties. And if tou don’t, consider freezing your eggs.

There are no guarantees with fertility. You can end up with unexplained infertility regardless of age. You can end up with male-factor infertility, and there are studies showing a concerning decline in sperm counts, likely due to environmental factors, at population levels worldwide.

I agree that OP should be focused on finding her best match and not "the best match given her loudly ticking biological clock." Just know that fertility is complicated, though having a rich husband makes fertility treatments easier.

[Anonymous]

Ask yourself…why are these two people not married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do either of these men know that you are dating another guy?

Do they think you are exclusive??

OP here. They don’t exactly about the other one but both know I’m dating others. We are not exclusive. I went on 5 dates with both guys. It’s been about a month.

I normally don’t sleep with two people at the same time, but sex is important to me, and I want to make sure there is good sexual chemistry. I spent the last two relationships not dating others and ended up with guys I was sure were going to be good and it never worked out. This time I decided I was going to date more than once guy until I found someone I really liked.

I think you misinterpreted your issue. You seem to think it was the time. I tend to think it's other factors, you don't seem o have much sense picking a guy. Right now you are agonizing over which guy is right because you are on a high-speed train for marriage to have babies by a certain age, yet the things you mention in this thread are so base and immature and not at all the entirety of what you should base a husband and father on. I fully understand being 32 and wanting to have kids, I do. But you don't want to be 40 with your 2 kids and a husband you hate and want to divorce but won't because you don't want to split custody etc because you rushed it.


Dating multiple men until you are ready to be exclusive is fine, but it makes no sense if you are going to skip over actually doing any proper vetting of the men and only decide you have to pick one because now you have had sex with both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask yourself…why are these two people not married?

Yep. Odd

Are they divorced?