no 2nd child because DH won’t support SAH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Childish

Will you explain how this is childish? I have a few friends who have quit their jobs when their husbands have made it very clear that they don’t want a SAHM. Their marriages are on the rocks and their husbands don’t seem to respect them. I am trying to avoid getting myself in this situation. I simply don’t think I can manage to have another child and continue working in a high earning job.

Duh. I mean, both people need to be on board. If your spouse says they don't want to be the sole breadwinner and you quit your job anyway, what do you think is going to happen? THAT is childish and entitled.

[Anonymous]

The funny thing is should the husband decided divorce will make the 'partner' listen, those women will have to go right back where they started - to get a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How about you have a second child and then he quits and stays home? That’s fair and you’d value his domestic labor, right?

You don’t have a right to be the SAH one just because you have ovaries.

Obviously. That’s why after my husband had hip surgery we decided that I should be the one to stay home and recuperate. If he can stay home after my c-section, it’s only fair right?

Complete non-sequitar. You didn’t say you want to stay home and recuperate after childbirth. You’d be getting a lot more support if you had. Recuperating from childbirth doesn’t require you to quit your job, for heavens sake. Ask me how I know.

Opting out of the workforce is just not a decision one member of the couple gets to make unilaterally. Even if that member happens to be female.

Ok! Well guess what decision I do get to make? Not to have anymore children.

OK! This is why people think you sound childish. NOTHING you have written suggests that you have a real partnership with your husband. You assume all kinds of stuff about him, because you are just so sensitive, but you aren't talking directly with him about this. You discount his actual concerns, again, without talking to him. And you are basically thinking that the mature, sensible reaction here is to not have a kid, again, without talking to him. Cutting off your nose to spite your face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How about you have a second child and then he quits and stays home? That’s fair and you’d value his domestic labor, right?

You don’t have a right to be the SAH one just because you have ovaries.

Obviously. That’s why after my husband had hip surgery we decided that I should be the one to stay home and recuperate. If he can stay home after my c-section, it’s only fair right?

Complete non-sequitar. You didn’t say you want to stay home and recuperate after childbirth. You’d be getting a lot more support if you had. Recuperating from childbirth doesn’t require you to quit your job, for heavens sake. Ask me how I know.

Opting out of the workforce is just not a decision one member of the couple gets to make unilaterally. Even if that member happens to be female.

Ok! Well guess what decision I do get to make? Not to have anymore children.

Okay, I think you’re totally out of line about quitting your job, but here I actually agree with you 100%. You get to decide that. And it’s not because of your magical sacred ovaries. He gets to decide no more children, too, even if you want more. Both members of the couple have to agree to have more kids.

And it sounds like you can’t come to a mature, mutual agreement over domestic labor, so you definitely shouldn’t have more. You both are all about the ultimatums rather than finding a mutual compromise. That’s not a great situation to bring children into.

To be fair to OP's husband, we don't know that he's "all about the ultimatums," because OP hasn't actually talking about any of this with him. This is just what she thinks he thinks, but they apparently don't communicate directly about this stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having read all the posts from this entitled OP, I agree she should not have more children. Sounds like a selfish disaster of a marriage, and not a great environment for children.

It’s selfish to stay home with children?

If anything, I care about my children. I simply want to spend time with my children instead of adding to my already high net worth. I don’t want more money. I want time with my children.

NP. So why don't you quit your job and contribute the equivalent of your annual pay to the household, from your high net worth? Or ask your parents to give you that amount every year from your expected inheritance. Then you can still contribute financially, and stay home.
You weren't counting husband's income in your high net worth, were you? That's HIS high net worth.

[Anonymous]

Did you not discuss the SAHM possibility prior to marrying him? If not, then you’re basically blindsiding him. He agreed to marry a lawyer, presumably with high earning potential. Your definition of “enough money” doesn’t match his. Again, another conversation that should’ve happened before marriage. Discussing and agreeing together not to have a second child would be a compromise. Making the decision in anger to punish him for not agreeing with you is childish. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Two kids two years apart is a serious lifestyle change. Especially for about five years. I went part time. Would your dh agree with that? If not I would not do a second kid.

[Anonymous]

Here are things that you don't do in a marriage unless BOTH partners are in agreement:

- Remove yourself from the workforce
- Have a kid


If you're husband wants you to work, you work. It is the default position of being an adult. Adults don't get to unilaterally decide that someone else will be responsible for your financial support.

Likewise, if you don't want to have a 2nd kid, you don't. Adults don't get to unilaterally decide to make someone else a parent.

The above said, you say that you may never was to return to the workforce. Perhaps that is what is so off-putting to your husband. What reason would you have to never go back to work? Maybe you two could compromise with an agreement that you'll quit or go part-time for x number of years, then go back.

Saying that you just want to stop working forever is just not a good look, no matter how much you don't need the money. Think about it -- if you're a lawyer, then your husband fell for someone who was apparently intelligent and driven. That is the type of woman he is attracted to. Surely you can see that announcing that you want to become a lady who lunches might cause him concern? He may fear that you would become someone he doesn't like/respect/is attracted to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here are things that you don't do in a marriage unless BOTH partners are in agreement:

- Remove yourself from the workforce
- Have a kid


If *your* husband wants you to work, you work. It is the default position of being an adult. Adults don't get to unilaterally decide that someone else will be responsible for your financial support.

Likewise, if you don't want to have a 2nd kid, you don't. Adults don't get to unilaterally decide to make someone else a parent.

The above said, you say that you may never was to return to the workforce. Perhaps that is what is so off-putting to your husband. What reason would you have to never go back to work? Maybe you two could compromise with an agreement that you'll quit or go part-time for x number of years, then go back.

Saying that you just want to stop working forever is just not a good look, no matter how much you don't need the money. Think about it -- if you're a lawyer, then your husband fell for someone who was apparently intelligent and driven. That is the type of woman he is attracted to. Surely you can see that announcing that you want to become a lady who lunches might cause him concern? He may fear that you would become someone he doesn't like/respect/is attracted to.

Sorry - fixed the typo

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here are things that you don't do in a marriage unless BOTH partners are in agreement:

- Remove yourself from the workforce
- Have a kid


If you're husband wants you to work, you work. It is the default position of being an adult. Adults don't get to unilaterally decide that someone else will be responsible for your financial support.

Likewise, if you don't want to have a 2nd kid, you don't. Adults don't get to unilaterally decide to make someone else a parent.

The above said, you say that you may never was to return to the workforce. Perhaps that is what is so off-putting to your husband. What reason would you have to never go back to work? Maybe you two could compromise with an agreement that you'll quit or go part-time for x number of years, then go back.

Saying that you just want to stop working forever is just not a good look, no matter how much you don't need the money. Think about it -- if you're a lawyer, then your husband fell for someone who was apparently intelligent and driven. That is the type of woman he is attracted to. Surely you can see that announcing that you want to become a lady who lunches might cause him concern? He may fear that you would become someone he doesn't like/respect/is attracted to.

It sounds like he’s becoming someone she doesn’t like, respect or is attracted to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here are things that you don't do in a marriage unless BOTH partners are in agreement:

- Remove yourself from the workforce
- Have a kid


If you're husband wants you to work, you work. It is the default position of being an adult. Adults don't get to unilaterally decide that someone else will be responsible for your financial support.

Likewise, if you don't want to have a 2nd kid, you don't. Adults don't get to unilaterally decide to make someone else a parent.

The above said, you say that you may never was to return to the workforce. Perhaps that is what is so off-putting to your husband. What reason would you have to never go back to work? Maybe you two could compromise with an agreement that you'll quit or go part-time for x number of years, then go back.

Saying that you just want to stop working forever is just not a good look, no matter how much you don't need the money. Think about it -- if you're a lawyer, then your husband fell for someone who was apparently intelligent and driven. That is the type of woman he is attracted to. Surely you can see that announcing that you want to become a lady who lunches might cause him concern? He may fear that you would become someone he doesn't like/respect/is attracted to.

It sounds like he’s becoming someone she doesn’t like, respect or is attracted to.

Tough tiddles. She needs to get over it.

[Anonymous]

I would talk to him and spell it out clearly. My DH also "seemed" uncomfortable with the idea of me being a SAHM. But by the time I actually said to him "I'd like to stay home for a while," he was 100% on board. I think the difference for him was in thinking about it conceptually versus thinking about it practically.

Conceptually, he prefers two incomes to one and the idea of being the sole breadwinner is stressful. Both understandable. I also prefer two incomes to one, if that factor is taken in isolation. And I totally understand why being the sole breadwinner is stressful. I also think he worried that if I stayed home, we'd drift apart because I'd be focused on home life and he'd be focused on work life and we wouldn't have as much in common anymore in terms of our day to day.

But when the decision was actually made, we were talking about it practically -- the cost of childcare, what we want for our children, who does drop off and pick up from daycare, what that daycare is actually like for our kids, what home life is like, the cost of things like take out/meal kits/cleaning services to make up for the fact that we are both working all day, etc. Plus, just what our home feels like when we are both working, especially when I was working in my high stress job while trying to adjust to being a new mother. What it means like for us to relax or take vacations or just enjoy each others company when we are stretched thin on time.

When we discussed it in practical terms, the benefits of that second income became a lot less appealing. Plus being a sole breadwinner is stressful, but so is the constant grind of working all day, coming home to a house where grocery still need to be bought and dinner still needs to be made and your partner is exhausted from their job and you want to spend quality time with your kids but there's too much chaos and you wind up just wanting them to go to bed so you can relax.

Ground the conversation in reality. Talk details and logistics. Yes, many families make the dual income thing work. Those families aren't your family. They might have different jobs, different resources, different thresholds for stress, etc. That's fine. Focus on your family, your needs, what you guys want out of life. For us, having me stay home and then work PT got us exactly where we wanted to go, with less money but more of everything else. Help him see that whole picture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised everyone’s playing along with the troll.

Sadly, there are a lot of actual women who actually think like this. I don’t think it’s obvious that this is a troll.

Of course many women do. Many, many women step out of the workforce to raise children. In Europe, women take long maternity leaves. Women often have a maternal desire to protect and raise their young. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would talk to him and spell it out clearly. My DH also "seemed" uncomfortable with the idea of me being a SAHM. But by the time I actually said to him "I'd like to stay home for a while," he was 100% on board. I think the difference for him was in thinking about it conceptually versus thinking about it practically.

Conceptually, he prefers two incomes to one and the idea of being the sole breadwinner is stressful. Both understandable. I also prefer two incomes to one, if that factor is taken in isolation. And I totally understand why being the sole breadwinner is stressful. I also think he worried that if I stayed home, we'd drift apart because I'd be focused on home life and he'd be focused on work life and we wouldn't have as much in common anymore in terms of our day to day.

But when the decision was actually made, we were talking about it practically -- the cost of childcare, what we want for our children, who does drop off and pick up from daycare, what that daycare is actually like for our kids, what home life is like, the cost of things like take out/meal kits/cleaning services to make up for the fact that we are both working all day, etc. Plus, just what our home feels like when we are both working, especially when I was working in my high stress job while trying to adjust to being a new mother. What it means like for us to relax or take vacations or just enjoy each others company when we are stretched thin on time.

When we discussed it in practical terms, the benefits of that second income became a lot less appealing. Plus being a sole breadwinner is stressful, but so is the constant grind of working all day, coming home to a house where grocery still need to be bought and dinner still needs to be made and your partner is exhausted from their job and you want to spend quality time with your kids but there's too much chaos and you wind up just wanting them to go to bed so you can relax.

Ground the conversation in reality. Talk details and logistics. Yes, many families make the dual income thing work. Those families aren't your family. They might have different jobs, different resources, different thresholds for stress, etc. That's fine. Focus on your family, your needs, what you guys want out of life. For us, having me stay home and then work PT got us exactly where we wanted to go, with less money but more of everything else. Help him see that whole picture.

OP here. Thank you. This is helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound really, really entitled and obnoxious. You have no right to demand someone else's labor this way. I'm honestly kind of shocked at the greed in this post. Also, you don't seem to have a good grasp of the reality of being a sole wage earner.

Question: what if your DH decided unilaterally that he wanted to stop working forever? How fast would you divorce him?

This!!!

It makes me so sad that we are to a point where a woman is greedy if she wants to stay home with children. 100 years ago, a woman wasn’t allowed to work. Now she’s a terrible person if she wants to stay home. How did we get to this?