Any way to disinvite a cousin from an annual beach reunion

[Anonymous]

OP don't you feel any ownership of this annual family event, and some pride in it? I'm sure your family looks up to you for making it happen every year, and your kids enjoys time together. It's not just like you all being in same space. You are putting on something special, and while you might not be hearing it enough as you deserve, I'm sure your cousin is thankful and really cherishes this time every year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents have a house on the Cape. Growing up, me, my best friend and my cousin spent our summers here. My cousin is local to the cape. My best friend was an army brat and flew in from various corners of the country.

Fast forward to close to 40 and we fly in with our families every summer. Five kids under five. Lots of chaos and cooking and wine and beach days and yelling at kids to share. Very warm and jovial.

However, I’ve reached the end of the rope with my cousin. This woman and her husband, at age 38, does not lift a finger. She doesn’t cook or clean (despite assigning a google sheet to handle the week), she won’t handle the kids, she won’t even clear her dishes from the living room, hand a kid a snack, pour someone a cocktail. Her clothes go into the kids’ hampers so they get thrown in the wash. It’s truly breathtaking. We have six adults and five small kids in the house, and two adults basically sit all day on their phones, letting their baby hang out, and ask when dinner is.

This behavior has been seen before, but it is magnified and made impossible to handle since we’ve become parents and have shit to do. The resentment of picking up her trash or having to ask her to pick up the trash is making my blood go toxic. I am happy to host everyone but emotionally and logistically I can’t take into consideration their inability to do literally anything to move the ball forward.

They just left and already next year feels looming. Is this something one takes head on? “If you come to the house you are expected to periodically run the dishwasher, choose a night to cook, grab milk when we need it, generally get off your phone sometimes.” Or should I just say the hosue is too small? It’s a 26 year tradition that I am about to burn to the ground and I’m so exhausted and angry i don’t even care.

Cousin sounds like a jerk, but you say “my parents have” (present tense) a house on the Cape. How can you disinvite someone else to a house you don’t own?

I guess technically OP cannot invite a cousin on the trip. However, if OP was my daughter she's no longer have access to the house with her attitude..

Wait what? What did OP do wrong? If the cousin truly was signed up for dinner nights and baldly refused to make dinner, and sat around asking when the beach packing (including stuff for her own family) was going to be finished without helping, that's pretty egregious.

If the cousin packed personal stuff for herself and her kid and just didn't need anything from this group cooler/ group pack situation and didn't use any of it, then she is more of an individual minded vacationer and that's fine and OP should let it go. If she isn't partaking in any of the drinks from the big cooler then she shouldn't have to help pack it.

No excuse comes to mind for refusing to make dinner on her night and then eating what was made as the last minute replacement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP don't you feel any ownership of this annual family event, and some pride in it? I'm sure your family looks up to you for making it happen every year, and your kids enjoys time together. It's not just like you all being in same space. You are putting on something special, and while you might not be hearing it enough as you deserve, I'm sure your cousin is thankful and really cherishes this time every year.

It sounds like she has taken pride in it for over a decade but at some point she should be allowed to enjoy her own vacation too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents have a house on the Cape. Growing up, me, my best friend and my cousin spent our summers here. My cousin is local to the cape. My best friend was an army brat and flew in from various corners of the country.

Fast forward to close to 40 and we fly in with our families every summer. Five kids under five. Lots of chaos and cooking and wine and beach days and yelling at kids to share. Very warm and jovial.

However, I’ve reached the end of the rope with my cousin. This woman and her husband, at age 38, does not lift a finger. She doesn’t cook or clean (despite assigning a google sheet to handle the week), she won’t handle the kids, she won’t even clear her dishes from the living room, hand a kid a snack, pour someone a cocktail. Her clothes go into the kids’ hampers so they get thrown in the wash. It’s truly breathtaking. We have six adults and five small kids in the house, and two adults basically sit all day on their phones, letting their baby hang out, and ask when dinner is.

This behavior has been seen before, but it is magnified and made impossible to handle since we’ve become parents and have shit to do. The resentment of picking up her trash or having to ask her to pick up the trash is making my blood go toxic. I am happy to host everyone but emotionally and logistically I can’t take into consideration their inability to do literally anything to move the ball forward.

They just left and already next year feels looming. Is this something one takes head on? “If you come to the house you are expected to periodically run the dishwasher, choose a night to cook, grab milk when we need it, generally get off your phone sometimes.” Or should I just say the hosue is too small? It’s a 26 year tradition that I am about to burn to the ground and I’m so exhausted and angry i don’t even care.

Cousin sounds like a jerk, but you say “my parents have” (present tense) a house on the Cape. How can you disinvite someone else to a house you don’t own?

I guess technically OP cannot invite a cousin on the trip. However, if OP was my daughter she's no longer have access to the house with her attitude..

Wait what? What did OP do wrong? If the cousin truly was signed up for dinner nights and baldly refused to make dinner, and sat around asking when the beach packing (including stuff for her own family) was going to be finished without helping, that's pretty egregious.

If the cousin packed personal stuff for herself and her kid and just didn't need anything from this group cooler/ group pack situation and didn't use any of it, then she is more of an individual minded vacationer and that's fine and OP should let it go. If she isn't partaking in any of the drinks from the big cooler then she shouldn't have to help pack it.

No excuse comes to mind for refusing to make dinner on her night and then eating what was made as the last minute replacement.

She didn’t sign up for dinner—it was assigned to her.

[Anonymous]

Include your cousin. Lower your expectations. Order take out every night. Get a cleaning lady. Have husbands do the coolers and sunscreen. Relax.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents have a house on the Cape. Growing up, me, my best friend and my cousin spent our summers here. My cousin is local to the cape. My best friend was an army brat and flew in from various corners of the country.

Fast forward to close to 40 and we fly in with our families every summer. Five kids under five. Lots of chaos and cooking and wine and beach days and yelling at kids to share. Very warm and jovial.

However, I’ve reached the end of the rope with my cousin. This woman and her husband, at age 38, does not lift a finger. She doesn’t cook or clean (despite assigning a google sheet to handle the week), she won’t handle the kids, she won’t even clear her dishes from the living room, hand a kid a snack, pour someone a cocktail. Her clothes go into the kids’ hampers so they get thrown in the wash. It’s truly breathtaking. We have six adults and five small kids in the house, and two adults basically sit all day on their phones, letting their baby hang out, and ask when dinner is.

This behavior has been seen before, but it is magnified and made impossible to handle since we’ve become parents and have shit to do. The resentment of picking up her trash or having to ask her to pick up the trash is making my blood go toxic. I am happy to host everyone but emotionally and logistically I can’t take into consideration their inability to do literally anything to move the ball forward.

They just left and already next year feels looming. Is this something one takes head on? “If you come to the house you are expected to periodically run the dishwasher, choose a night to cook, grab milk when we need it, generally get off your phone sometimes.” Or should I just say the hosue is too small? It’s a 26 year tradition that I am about to burn to the ground and I’m so exhausted and angry i don’t even care.

Cousin sounds like a jerk, but you say “my parents have” (present tense) a house on the Cape. How can you disinvite someone else to a house you don’t own?

I guess technically OP cannot invite a cousin on the trip. However, if OP was my daughter she's no longer have access to the house with her attitude..

Hi cousin!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP don't you feel any ownership of this annual family event, and some pride in it? I'm sure your family looks up to you for making it happen every year, and your kids enjoys time together. It's not just like you all being in same space. You are putting on something special, and while you might not be hearing it enough as you deserve, I'm sure your cousin is thankful and really cherishes this time every year.

Cousin has her own place. No need to crash OP’s vacation full time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

No excuse comes to mind for refusing to make dinner on her night and then eating what was made as the last minute replacement.

She didn’t sign up for dinner—it was assigned to her.

If she was happy enough to eat the dinners cooked by the others on the other nights, then she was buying into the idea that they were taking turns. Hiding in your room and waiting it out until someone else finally makes dinner, on a night when it was your turn, is very crappy behavior. She sounds like an exploiter and an insensitive jerk.

[Anonymous]

I suggest you talk to your cousin soon & tell her that it is very tiring for you having to bear the brunt of the cooking duties, housecleaning as well as the childcare for what is supposed to be a fun vacation.

If you can, stay tactful but make sure your point gets across loud + clear.
If she doesn’t agree to pitch in or doesn’t pitch in next year, then do not invite her.

But I would give her a chance to change first considering she IS family and you grew up together.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

We have all been a guest in someone’s home. You help out to be a good guest, not because you love doing dishes. The cousin has no concept of this and a phone conversation will not correct her. Tell her now that next year will not be happening. Blame the ages of the kids, too chaotic, too many people, whatever. No specifics, just end it. Tell her you all can meet on the beach.

[Anonymous]

OP here, waking up to lots of good comments, thank you. I’m leaning towards just saying that since she’s local she needs to hang at her place and meet at the beach or come for dinner when we’re there one night.

It’s so strange to me the push back on the details of my frustrations. I’m actually very open to it. But honestly, I mean, you have three girls who grew up together. And now was adults, we’d buy our own separate milk and label it? Is my “expectation” that she offer the kids bananas when she’s in the kitchen off? She’s not a maid. But when she can’t even be thoughtful enough to pour a glass of wine when she’s full of hers just is so insane to me. I guess we have a much more communal living vibe here? And yes to the PPs, my BF and me take care of her baby too. Baby poops, grab a diaper. Baby is fussy, put her in the wrap.

It’s honestly a pretty solid gig for my cousin

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, waking up to lots of good comments, thank you. I’m leaning towards just saying that since she’s local she needs to hang at her place and meet at the beach or come for dinner when we’re there one night.

It’s so strange to me the push back on the details of my frustrations. I’m actually very open to it. But honestly, I mean, you have three girls who grew up together. And now was adults, we’d buy our own separate milk and label it? Is my “expectation” that she offer the kids bananas when she’s in the kitchen off? She’s not a maid. But when she can’t even be thoughtful enough to pour a glass of wine when she’s full of hers just is so insane to me. I guess we have a much more communal living vibe here? And yes to the PPs, my BF and me take care of her baby too. Baby poops, grab a diaper. Baby is fussy, put her in the wrap.

It’s honestly a pretty solid gig for my cousin

Good luck brokering a peace on this. Maybe if you reach out more than usual between the trips to catch up she’ll be more willing to accept your excuse that it’s about space and not rejecting her. And maybe you’ll have more context of her crappy behavior, idk.

[Anonymous]

OP, I also think you should pick up the phone and talk to her - not in a “WTF you did nothing so it’s over” type of way. But more along the lines of, ‘now that we’re home, I’m reflecting on how much harder and frustrating this vacation was vs a long time ago. Can you help me process this? ‘ and then ask a lot of questions:
1) how was your week? What worked? Anything feel frustrating to you?
2).tell me more about the night you were supposed to cook dinner. What happened?
3) we are on vacation and we aren’t on vacation to tip toe around your husband who is working. Why didn’t he go Hoke to do his zoom calls?
4) group vacations only work if we all pitch in. I couldn’t help but notice that you and Larlo weren’t pitching in like everyone else (I felt disrespected when we had to do all the cleaning, picking up and take care of all the kids with no help from you or Larlo). That just doesn’t work for us - is there something else going on with you to create an expectation that we do the work and you don’t pitch in at all?

Cuz, I’ll be honest, we’re not doing another summer vacation like that one. You will either need to stay at your house and come over for beach visits and the occasional dinner or will need to really change the way you show up that week.“

And maybe give her one more chance. But lay out the expectations very clearly. And if it’s not working next summer, call her out in the moment and say that she didn’t live up to her agreement so it’s the last summer.

OP, I do think you should have had this conversation at the beach house. “Larva, what the heck? You and Larlo are in charge of dinner. We all have our turns. This really ain’t working.” “Really, Larla, you are standing at the bar with a full bottle of wine and can’t even be bothered to top off Susie’s glass? She’s right there. Give that poor, tired mama some more wine.” “Serioslly, Larla. Kitchen duty is on you and Larlo tonight. We’re taking the kids for a walk. I can’t believe I have to suggest to a grown adult to pull her own weight.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I need more details about the google spreadsheet and the cooking assignments. What happened when their meals came up on the schedule?

So BF and I filled out the dinners we were making and her nights remained blank. Day of, I said, ok what’s the plan. And she said I don’t know. Maybe we should grill? So I said great. DH was headed to the store so we added hotdogs and impossible burgers to the list. At 5pm she disappeared into her bedroom. We knocked and she said “out soon!” An hour before the kids’ bedtime we just fired up the grill and made dinner and set the table. Then she appeared to eat and then left again.

I’m this situation I would have gone out to eat and just left and not told her. I certainly would not have bought burgers or hot dogs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, waking up to lots of good comments, thank you. I’m leaning towards just saying that since she’s local she needs to hang at her place and meet at the beach or come for dinner when we’re there one night.

It’s so strange to me the push back on the details of my frustrations. I’m actually very open to it. But honestly, I mean, you have three girls who grew up together. And now was adults, we’d buy our own separate milk and label it? Is my “expectation” that she offer the kids bananas when she’s in the kitchen off? She’s not a maid. But when she can’t even be thoughtful enough to pour a glass of wine when she’s full of hers just is so insane to me. I guess we have a much more communal living vibe here? And yes to the PPs, my BF and me take care of her baby too. Baby poops, grab a diaper. Baby is fussy, put her in the wrap.

It’s honestly a pretty solid gig for my cousin

Here's the problem OP you seem to insist that your way is the only way of doing things.

No, I would not be into sharing milk if my family was using far less milk.

You want to ram on about being an adult, well adults take care of their own shit which includes feeding their kids and pouring their own wine. It seems cousin is telling you that she's fine with taking care of her own baby. So leave her to it.