Husband said I’m selfish and terrible wife and he will divorce me

[Anonymous]

It will be very hard coming back after the awful words that were declared. Hate? FU? Threatening to leave? Yeah, this is only the beginning, OP. The crust is broken. He will only get more freely abusive. He comes from a combative, dramatic family. You will not change him. If you don’t have kids, it’s time to part ways. He will continue to put his mother first in detriment to you. Please don’t knowingly accept that future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often is this expected? Once a year? Every weekend?

How you deal with it depends on the expectation. You are part of that family so there needs to be give and take. Once a year you suck it up and plan in advance for the inevitable. Every weekend you set limits. Separate cars is a great idea. Just because your husband got married doesn’t mean that he has to leave his family of origin.

Nobody, not even OP has said her husband can't see his family. He does however have to prioritize the need his wife and treat her with respect. He was with his family for 6 hours today leaving at 8 pm is more than reasonable especially when you have work the next say. Speaking to his wife the way he did is completely unacceptable.

If they are going to make their relationship work, both sides need to be considered. For so e families six hours isn’t enough. That’s why frequency matters.

1. His sister left before they did, so apparently they have to stay until mommy says they can only applies to Op

2. Once you matter the time limit that is enough is determined by your new family the spouses and the kids. God help them if they have kids and the child needs to be in bed by 7 pm.

3.It's okay for you to admit a man is wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It will be very hard coming back after the awful words that were declared. Hate? FU? Threatening to leave? Yeah, this is only the beginning, OP. The crust is broken. He will only get more freely abusive. He comes from a combative, dramatic family. You will not change him. If you don’t have kids, it’s time to part ways. He will continue to put his mother first in detriment to you. Please don’t knowingly accept that future.

She likely will because it's hard to acknowlede abusive behavior for starts, OP was already blaming herself. She's then had several posters tell her her husbands abusive behavior is okay and she needs to compromise so they can be married for 20 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get HIM out of the house and don’t let home back in.

You are not terrible; he is selfish and his behavior now is psycho.

Not sure what the background is but he is nuts and you should want him out. Change the locks and talk to a couple lawyers this week.

PP, you obviously have not dealt with divorce cases. The behavior he exhibited is not “psycho.” It is typical. Often it’s typical from the wife as much as the husband.

Divorce is ugly, chaotic, often hateful. Sorry if this fact shatters your ridiculous snowflake image of “conscious uncoupling.”

[Anonymous]

he sounds like a jerk. But you sound a bit clingy. I would insist on couples counseling. Whoever wants to leave a gathering, for whatever reason, but especially after several hours, gets to leave. If he really wanted to stay can he just sleep there or get a ride with someone else. Are you okay with leaving alone? If not you need to work on that.

[Anonymous]

Not to pile on, but I'm pretty sure you've posted about this before. Leave when you want to leave. Drive two cars, call a Lyft, take a bus etc. Or he can do those things. Make sure he knows the plan in advance so you're not just walking out the door unexpectedly. Three hours is PLENTY for a legit visit. Also, as someone who preps for the week ahead on Sunday afternoon, I know how sacred that time is, but you can do a lot of that prep Sunday morning or on Saturday if you know you're going to be gone on Sunday afternoon.

In your shoes, I'd leave and find someone who's not so attached to his mommy.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you're ready to leave. But there are things you can do to get more space. Next time, let him go on his own. In general, start building more of a life for yourself outside of him. Don't criticize him, just come up with boring reasons which validate him. Like, you respect that he wants to spend a lot of time with his family and whenever he comes home you'll be happy to see him, and this way you can get a start on next week and he doesn't have to feel pressure to end things early. Don't let him drag you into a fight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It will be very hard coming back after the awful words that were declared. Hate? FU? Threatening to leave? Yeah, this is only the beginning, OP. The crust is broken. He will only get more freely abusive. He comes from a combative, dramatic family. You will not change him. If you don’t have kids, it’s time to part ways. He will continue to put his mother first in detriment to you. Please don’t knowingly accept that future.

and everybody knows that's the best part.

OP don't have kids with this person. And be "sick" next time he visits his parents. Staying late on Father's Day is one thing but people are glossing right over the part where you regularly stay so late you have to spend the night?? Absolutely tf not. Grownups do not do this.

[Anonymous]

Let him file for divorce. Better yet, beat him too it. What is there worth staying in this relationship for?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why didn’t you do the laundry earlier ?

No. If the laundry is what concerns her and not him, HE should take on the laundry on the weekends he wants to spend 8 hours with family.

[Anonymous]

My husband has never emotionally left the nest either. He is always so concerned about his mother's feelings. I agree with the suggestion to take 2 cars. But then there is the fact that you are the one doing all of the preps for the week ahead while he isn't lifting a finger. I'm with you sister!

[Anonymous]

Re: hubby’s outburst:

2 possibilities I see here:

1) he didn’t mean any of it and just lashed out / lost control in a moment oF anger, or

2) he has actually been harboring these thoughts for months (or longer) and there is some truth there. He actually feels this way toward you.

If it is number 2, then I believe you have been in denial or “had blinders on” for a while here, OP.

Start being honest and do some serious, difficult, deep self-reflection here OP. Are you the perfect wife OP? Or do you have flaws? What possible flaws could have lead to your husband saying what he said?

Even if you divorce, it will help you in the long run to do some self reflection here, OP (except if you are perfect and he is 100% at fault completely here).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Re: hubby’s outburst:

2 possibilities I see here:

1) he didn’t mean any of it and just lashed out / lost control in a moment oF anger, or

2) he has actually been harboring these thoughts for months (or longer) and there is some truth there. He actually feels this way toward you.

If it is number 2, then I believe you have been in denial or “had blinders on” for a while here, OP.

Start being honest and do some serious, difficult, deep self-reflection here OP. Are you the perfect wife OP? Or do you have flaws? What possible flaws could have lead to your husband saying what he said?

Even if you divorce, it will help you in the long run to do some self reflection here, OP (except if you are perfect and he is 100% at fault completely here).

You don't have to be perfect to deserve not being abused like this.

[Anonymous]

OP, this isn’t fair to you and your situation sounds miserable.

DH needs to learn that you are not beholden to the whims of his family. It is up to you to be kind and respectful and engaged when visiting. But when, after spending several hours with family, you want to go home you should not feel guilty or like you are doing something wrong. The fact that they would be offended if you took separate cars and left earlier is ridiculous.

It sounds like you do not like his family and then don’t like you. Instead of trying to actually mend the relationship by respecting your boundaries, DH is trying to bully you into neglecting your own needs.

When people, like your DH, grow up in a toxic family environment they can become extremely defensive of it. You may have acted in a passive aggressive way (obviously checking the time etc) because you felt you had no other recourse. If you do decide to stay with DH I strongly suggest seeing a couples counselor.

[Anonymous]

You married into a trashy, dysfunctional, dramatic family. They will not change, and your husband cannot see them for what they are.

I would leave.