Does you relationship change if you stay home ( for moms)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My work dried up in the fall of 2020, partly due to covid. It was convenient to be home while kids were distance learning. One child is now back FT and the other unfortunately is still stuck at home. My being unemployed technically enables me to help my family at this strange time, but I’ll be honest— I’m bored, going crazy and becoming a bit of a neurotic housewife. I don’t call myself a SAHM because that was never my intention. This happened to me be of circumstance and was not a choice. Having a clean and organized home is nice, eating at home more is nice, going to gym (now that I’m vaccinated) has been nice, but gah! I am so bored. I used to ear $140k, about the same as my spouse. Now applying for jobs in the hope something will work out. I might accept less money in exchange for more flexibility or just less money in exchange for not being a bored housewife!

Lol what? Everyone is bored. It’s a god damn pandemic, PP. you are aware that “stay at home mom” doesn’t mean we actually stay at home during non covid times, right? If your kids are young, this is tough. If they aren’t and you’re struggling like this, it’s because YOU are boring. Don’t you have hobbies or friends or interests? Don’t you want to learn a language or skill or about something in nature? Who are you boring people that have no identity and nothing to do without an office job?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did marry a wonderful man who is super supportive and really into request partnership. He is the cook in our relationship and likes to clean. He said it “ takes away his stress” to do menial tasks. We do have tasks divided based on preference. He is also a very involved father and has really enjoyed being a dad. We are financially stable. He has always out earned by 3x my salary.

I’m not so much worried about equal partnership, as much as his perfection of me. I know that I will most likely be doing more since I’m staying at home. He has always been very proud of me with my career, and I worry that may change. Like he will stop seeing me as this strong, driven woman and more as an assistant or “ just a mom”.

From a male perspective, one of my best friends from law school has exactly that happen to his perception of his wife when she stopped working. He said she was no longer interesting to talk to because she didn't have anything to say that didn't relate immediately to their family. And while you can talk about that a lot, it's also nice to be able to talk your spouse about other things. So yes, I think that could be a concern.

As a former SAHM I find that concept interesting. My H never had a whole lot to talk about even though he was working full time. He does not read books and limits himself to very few news sources. I, on the other hand, am very curious about what's going on in the world and our community, read a lot, and have plenty to talk about. I think that's more a reflection of the person than what they do all day. Also, many jobs are not exactly interesting to hear about at the end of the day either, so there's that.

I'm sure it's personality and job dependent. But his wife basically stopped taking an interest in anything outside of their house. It's possible that would have happened had she kept working. But she just kind of got tunnel vision it seems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did marry a wonderful man who is super supportive and really into request partnership. He is the cook in our relationship and likes to clean. He said it “ takes away his stress” to do menial tasks. We do have tasks divided based on preference. He is also a very involved father and has really enjoyed being a dad. We are financially stable. He has always out earned by 3x my salary.

I’m not so much worried about equal partnership, as much as his perfection of me. I know that I will most likely be doing more since I’m staying at home. He has always been very proud of me with my career, and I worry that may change. Like he will stop seeing me as this strong, driven woman and more as an assistant or “ just a mom”.

More likely, he will be so appreciative that you, and not a daycare or nanny, are caring for your child. If he's all you say, I think it would make him love you all the more.

I'm so glad you showed up. No go away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While you’re on maternity leave, what do you talk about when he gets home from work? That will tell you if you’re likely to be less interesting.

What do you envision SAHP to look like? Are you going to take classes and visit museums (post Covid) and have a structure or are you going to sleep in and “figure it out” day by day. Do you have SAHM friends?

Of my friends who have made SAHP work and not lost their identities, some have kept a toe in the workplace, some have taken on a side project that needs time and attention (remodeled a bathroom, finished a basement) one wrote a book but she’s a massive overachiever, one did an immersive language study with her son. None of them were “just” a mom.

OP here. We talk about his day, my day, the baby, world events, etc. I do have two friends who just had babies too. They will be staying home for 6+ months too. I plan to do many activities like workout classes and infant classes when it’s safe.

I don’t even sleep in now. My son ( almost 3 months old) is already on a schedule. We get up at 7am everyday and still do daily walks and weekly hang out with friends.

You have your 3 month old on a schedule? He is way too young for that. I hope you don’t do CIO.

+1. This is sad.

By 3 months my twins were also sleeping 12 hours a night and were on a nap schedule. What is wrong with you people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While you’re on maternity leave, what do you talk about when he gets home from work? That will tell you if you’re likely to be less interesting.

What do you envision SAHP to look like? Are you going to take classes and visit museums (post Covid) and have a structure or are you going to sleep in and “figure it out” day by day. Do you have SAHM friends?

Of my friends who have made SAHP work and not lost their identities, some have kept a toe in the workplace, some have taken on a side project that needs time and attention (remodeled a bathroom, finished a basement) one wrote a book but she’s a massive overachiever, one did an immersive language study with her son. None of them were “just” a mom.

OP here. We talk about his day, my day, the baby, world events, etc. I do have two friends who just had babies too. They will be staying home for 6+ months too. I plan to do many activities like workout classes and infant classes when it’s safe.

I don’t even sleep in now. My son ( almost 3 months old) is already on a schedule. We get up at 7am everyday and still do daily walks and weekly hang out with friends.

You have your 3 month old on a schedule? He is way too young for that. I hope you don’t do CIO.

+1. This is sad.

By 3 months my twins were also sleeping 12 hours a night and were on a nap schedule. What is wrong with you people?

And they NEVER cried it out. Not once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While you’re on maternity leave, what do you talk about when he gets home from work? That will tell you if you’re likely to be less interesting.

What do you envision SAHP to look like? Are you going to take classes and visit museums (post Covid) and have a structure or are you going to sleep in and “figure it out” day by day. Do you have SAHM friends?

Of my friends who have made SAHP work and not lost their identities, some have kept a toe in the workplace, some have taken on a side project that needs time and attention (remodeled a bathroom, finished a basement) one wrote a book but she’s a massive overachiever, one did an immersive language study with her son. None of them were “just” a mom.

OP here. We talk about his day, my day, the baby, world events, etc. I do have two friends who just had babies too. They will be staying home for 6+ months too. I plan to do many activities like workout classes and infant classes when it’s safe.

I don’t even sleep in now. My son ( almost 3 months old) is already on a schedule. We get up at 7am everyday and still do daily walks and weekly hang out with friends.

You have your 3 month old on a schedule? He is way too young for that. I hope you don’t do CIO.

+1. This is sad.

By 3 months my twins were also sleeping 12 hours a night and were on a nap schedule. What is wrong with you people?

This. I didn't do CIO and my baby just naturally fell into a schedule around 3 months. We weren't rigid about it. If she seemed hungry, I fed her. If she seemed tired, we put her down. It's just that these things seemed to happen on a regular cycle and it was easy to adopt that schedule while still being responsive to her needs. I also did lots of baby wearing and I think that helped with the nap schedule because she'd often do her last nap of the day in the carrier while I ran errands or took myself to a coffee shop for a break.

So many people are just determined for everyone else to have the exact same experience as they had with a new baby, including the misery. But every baby is different and so is every parent and there are lots of ways to do it.

[Anonymous]

My kids were on schedules as babies. The schedules changed after periods of time and morphed for convenience, habit and body clocks but schedules are not bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My work dried up in the fall of 2020, partly due to covid. It was convenient to be home while kids were distance learning. One child is now back FT and the other unfortunately is still stuck at home. My being unemployed technically enables me to help my family at this strange time, but I’ll be honest— I’m bored, going crazy and becoming a bit of a neurotic housewife. I don’t call myself a SAHM because that was never my intention. This happened to me be of circumstance and was not a choice. Having a clean and organized home is nice, eating at home more is nice, going to gym (now that I’m vaccinated) has been nice, but gah! I am so bored. I used to ear $140k, about the same as my spouse. Now applying for jobs in the hope something will work out. I might accept less money in exchange for more flexibility or just less money in exchange for not being a bored housewife!

Lol what? Everyone is bored. It’s a god damn pandemic, PP. you are aware that “stay at home mom” doesn’t mean we actually stay at home during non covid times, right? If your kids are young, this is tough. If they aren’t and you’re struggling like this, it’s because YOU are boring. Don’t you have hobbies or friends or interests? Don’t you want to learn a language or skill or about something in nature? Who are you boring people that have no identity and nothing to do without an office job?

I’d rather be bored at home with the freedom to do whatever I want than bored at some office job I don’t like; pretending to be “busy” while surfing DCUM. Majority of working people find their payed jobs unfulfilling and boring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While you’re on maternity leave, what do you talk about when he gets home from work? That will tell you if you’re likely to be less interesting.

What do you envision SAHP to look like? Are you going to take classes and visit museums (post Covid) and have a structure or are you going to sleep in and “figure it out” day by day. Do you have SAHM friends?

Of my friends who have made SAHP work and not lost their identities, some have kept a toe in the workplace, some have taken on a side project that needs time and attention (remodeled a bathroom, finished a basement) one wrote a book but she’s a massive overachiever, one did an immersive language study with her son. None of them were “just” a mom.

OP here. We talk about his day, my day, the baby, world events, etc. I do have two friends who just had babies too. They will be staying home for 6+ months too. I plan to do many activities like workout classes and infant classes when it’s safe.

I don’t even sleep in now. My son ( almost 3 months old) is already on a schedule. We get up at 7am everyday and still do daily walks and weekly hang out with friends.

You have your 3 month old on a schedule? He is way too young for that. I hope you don’t do CIO.

DP but shut up with that nonsense. Babies love schedules. I've had 3 of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While you’re on maternity leave, what do you talk about when he gets home from work? That will tell you if you’re likely to be less interesting.

What do you envision SAHP to look like? Are you going to take classes and visit museums (post Covid) and have a structure or are you going to sleep in and “figure it out” day by day. Do you have SAHM friends?

Of my friends who have made SAHP work and not lost their identities, some have kept a toe in the workplace, some have taken on a side project that needs time and attention (remodeled a bathroom, finished a basement) one wrote a book but she’s a massive overachiever, one did an immersive language study with her son. None of them were “just” a mom.

OP here. We talk about his day, my day, the baby, world events, etc. I do have two friends who just had babies too. They will be staying home for 6+ months too. I plan to do many activities like workout classes and infant classes when it’s safe.

I don’t even sleep in now. My son ( almost 3 months old) is already on a schedule. We get up at 7am everyday and still do daily walks and weekly hang out with friends.

You have your 3 month old on a schedule? He is way too young for that. I hope you don’t do CIO.

+1. This is sad.

By 3 months my twins were also sleeping 12 hours a night and were on a nap schedule. What is wrong with you people?

And they NEVER cried it out. Not once.

I am not the PP you're questioning but no. My 2 month old is sleeping 12 hours straight, dropped the night feedings all by herself. Never once CIO or even fussed. It is possible. Don't be so committed to your myopic worldview, it reads as ignorant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did marry a wonderful man who is super supportive and really into request partnership. He is the cook in our relationship and likes to clean. He said it “ takes away his stress” to do menial tasks. We do have tasks divided based on preference. He is also a very involved father and has really enjoyed being a dad. We are financially stable. He has always out earned by 3x my salary.

I’m not so much worried about equal partnership, as much as his perfection of me. I know that I will most likely be doing more since I’m staying at home. He has always been very proud of me with my career, and I worry that may change. Like he will stop seeing me as this strong, driven woman and more as an assistant or “ just a mom”.

* perception

Yes, his perception will change as you describe - even worse your perception of yourself will change and society’s perception of you will also change in the way you describe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While you’re on maternity leave, what do you talk about when he gets home from work? That will tell you if you’re likely to be less interesting.

What do you envision SAHP to look like? Are you going to take classes and visit museums (post Covid) and have a structure or are you going to sleep in and “figure it out” day by day. Do you have SAHM friends?

Of my friends who have made SAHP work and not lost their identities, some have kept a toe in the workplace, some have taken on a side project that needs time and attention (remodeled a bathroom, finished a basement) one wrote a book but she’s a massive overachiever, one did an immersive language study with her son. None of them were “just” a mom.

OP here. We talk about his day, my day, the baby, world events, etc. I do have two friends who just had babies too. They will be staying home for 6+ months too. I plan to do many activities like workout classes and infant classes when it’s safe.

I don’t even sleep in now. My son ( almost 3 months old) is already on a schedule. We get up at 7am everyday and still do daily walks and weekly hang out with friends.

You have your 3 month old on a schedule? He is way too young for that. I hope you don’t do CIO.

DP but shut up with that nonsense. Babies love schedules. I've had 3 of them.

+1. I had a schedule from the day baby came home from the hospital. The only interruption of schedule was if baby wanted to sleep longer than planned.

[Anonymous]

Things to consider:

1) Do you have good emergency childcare options? If you are both working in patient care, then you do not have flexible schedules where you can take a day off at the last minute because your nanny is sick or your child had diarrhea and can't go to daycare now. Do you have a grandparent or friend who can help with your child in an emergency?

2) Can you easily return to work with a break in your resume? Some people will struggle with even a small break, others won't. I would say that if you are a doctor, then you can probably take about a year completely off without consequence. If you are a nurse, you can take longer. But with both, you will find keeping a position much easier if you work part time (even if it's just occasional PRN shifts or locums work).

3) Is it going to significantly affect your finances? If you are currently spending close to what you make as a couple, then you are going to be in trouble if you quit.

4) Is your spouse on board with you staying at home? With you working? I have found that some men pay lip service to wanting their wives to work, but don't really put their money where their mouth is and take on 50% of the household chores and child rearing. Others might say that they are okay with their wives staying at home, but are stressed by being the sole provider.

5) Is your spouse in a stable career? Is there a risk that he could lose his job, and you could be without any income at all? I am going to guess the answer is likely "no" in healthcare.

6) Do you like your job? Do you like being at home? What's your preference for your day to day? Do you thrive on adrenaline and external validation? If so, then you are going to be bored and depressed at home, and you will be frustrated with your husband because he isn't going to be able to give you the validation that you need.
On the other hand, do you get overwhelmed or distracted easily? If so, then the daily grind of: get up, get baby/self ready, head to work, work all day, pick up baby, dinner, bath, bed, clean-up, repeat, may feel toxic, particularly if you don't need the income, don't have a great childcare situation, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Different experience here.

I did almost exactly what you are talking about -- I intended to go back after my leave, discovered I was very much not ready to leave my baby, extended my leave, and then wound up just staying home for a couple years. I have zero regrets about it -- it was 100% the right choice for me.

It did change our relationship but not for the worse. One thing it did was really force us to reckon with what it means to "work" in our family. We realized that even though we'd been contributing equally financially for a long time, I'd been doing a lot more of the housework and "invisible load" well before we had a kid. Sure, some of that was because I like it and because I worked at home and it was convenient. But it was also a lot because of gender expectations, and we had to talk through that and discuss what it means.

The upshot was that we all (but especially DH) became a lot more aware and appreciative of the unpaid work of taking care of the house, dealing with finances, planning vacations, as well as now, childcare. We are more explicit about the fact that this is valuable work even though it doesn't technically earn us money. And my DH has started going a LOT more of it. He's had to grow up a bit as a person. It's been good for us.

I will also say that one of the best things I did was continue to keep a toe in my career even though I was mostly not working. That first year, I took on a couple small freelancing projects for my old employer that were easy to do while my baby was napping or playing. As she got older, I started taking on more work but also realizing she needed more focused attention, which led to me starting to get some childcare, until eventually I was working close to full-time and she was in close to full-time care. It was a gradual progression that wrapped up around the time she turned 3. I did not experience that feeling of having to start from scratch to go back to work because I was already working. I kept my work contacts. I maintained a website for my freelancing. I only earned a few thousand dollars in freelance income those first 2 years, but I stayed in the game enough that I honestly never felt like it was hard to return to work.

New poster.

The post above pretty much could have been written by me with the exception of the gradual use of child care and gradual return to full-time work.

I stayed home. I loved my job but knew I would want to stay home with our baby because we had her fairly late (though not "late" for DCUM moms). I freelanced for my old employers for years but wasn't out to make a certain dollar amount--I was just keeping my hand in. Stopped for a few years, focusing on a lot of volunteering with our middle school/high school kid's schools and some very time-consuming extracurriculars and other things. Resumed freelancing when DC went to college and still freelance but no, it's not equivalent to full-time hours or pay, not by a long shot. It is absolutely a privilege to be able to freelance and not have to earn a set amount of money and to be able to pause to do other things. I recognize that.

The key, OP, whether you totally focus on being an SAHM or do any form of work, is your spouse. Like the PP above, I have a spouse who does not think "work" is only real if it involves certain types of jobs, hours and paychecks. My spouse is and always has been exceptionally good about seeing what I do as valuable, whether that's freelancing, not freelancing, volunteering, most of all being there with our kid. He has always been this way and has not looped around to some kind of "Well, you need to bring in X percent of household monies now" at any point. Nor has he ever been a "You should handle all household stuff since you're 'at home.'" And nope, he doesn't expect me to have a perfectly clean house and put a perfect dinner on the table every night. (Thank God.)

If you and your husband are on the same page with expectations for housekeeping, meals, shopping, maintenance, scheduling stuff like appointments etc., and if he is a person who is not hung up about "If you're SAH, you will have to handle X, Y and Z." Communication about expectations is key. And you both have to understand that expectations will change -- you kid will get older and have many more places to be, which requires a chauffeur for many years, and if there's another kid, it complicates logistics, etc. etc.

Our relationship was great before I started staying home and has been great since I started staying home. But we communicate a lot and really easily. It really helps, I now realize, that DH was raised in a home where his dad's job .was at home at many points during daytime, and cooked meals because mom's job meant she might be out one night at dinnertime but not the next, etc. DH was raised to believe dads did whatever was needed without grudging it or expecting their wives to do specific tasks because, wives. Makes me very grateful for my late in-laws....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s annoying to me to keep seeing these posts from
Women. Why don’t you go back to work and see how it is? You had 6 months off and suddenly you’re ready to throw away your career and put in your resignation. No wonder employers don’t like women. I felt the same with my first, yes it sucks and yes it felt wrong to leave. But I didn’t jump to it’s time to stay home mentality but rather can I do this and see how it is and then decide? I cobbled some childcare for the next few months and guess what? I liked working and my baby wasn’t a baby anymore and I continued my career.

To your original question, of course things will change for the worse, you are not solely financially dependent on your spouse, I GUARANTEE you you’ll have fights about chores, and you’ll feel guilty about asking for help or things to do. I’m fine if you want to pick this course of action, but damn, go back to your job a bit don’t just end it because you spent a few months home with a newborn.

Or vice versa.
Take another six months off and see if you are more comfortable with leaving a toddler, rather than a newborn, and going back to work.
There is no reason this has to be an all or nothing decision.

OP here. I haven’t made any decision about staying at home. I extended my maternity leave until 6 months, but I might go back at least PT.

If you are working in direct patient care and need to keep your credentials, then of course you should go back part time. The question is: "how part time?" Do you want to go back 36 hours/wk? Or do you want to go back 10 hours/month?