If you cut off contact between your parent and your kids. How did you inform them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a grandparent who is pretty unstable - diagnosed bipolar, not very well managed. We decided long ago that our kids will never be alone with this grandparent. But there wasn't any big announcement - we just limit visits to very short and hover to monitor every interaction. We never go to the grandparent's house, only meet them someplace neutral and easily escapable. If things start to go south, we suddenly notice the time and pack up to leave.

In our case, a big announcement of cutting off contact would likely prompt the grandparent to show up on our doorstep. Depending on what your mom did, I might just start making excuses - you guys have other plans for T-day this year, but perhaps you could visit the weekend before? Oh, shoot, the kids have a big game that weekend, so they won't be able to join you...

If the kids are not babies, PP, all of this is actually true.

That's just cruel and total BS. Don't do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a grandparent who is pretty unstable - diagnosed bipolar, not very well managed. We decided long ago that our kids will never be alone with this grandparent. But there wasn't any big announcement - we just limit visits to very short and hover to monitor every interaction. We never go to the grandparent's house, only meet them someplace neutral and easily escapable. If things start to go south, we suddenly notice the time and pack up to leave.

In our case, a big announcement of cutting off contact would likely prompt the grandparent to show up on our doorstep. Depending on what your mom did, I might just start making excuses - you guys have other plans for T-day this year, but perhaps you could visit the weekend before? Oh, shoot, the kids have a big game that weekend, so they won't be able to join you...

If the kids are not babies, PP, all of this is actually true.

That's just cruel and total BS. Don't do this.

Yes, youth sports are more cruel than threatening to kill someone to get attention

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it would be helpful to understand at least at the 50,000 foot level the nature of the 2019 incident— was someone put in immediate danger, was mental health involved, are there legal issues at play. The reason is because the response will vary; if your mother still lives with your father and you will be cut off from him if you tell her visits with the kids are off the table, I’d dissemble. Sorry this year we’re going to John’s parents for Thanksgiving. Yeah we want to have a quiet Mother’s Day at home. Etc.

If she’s the kind of dysfunctional to do something like “sue for grandparent visitation” then I would for sure say “Mom, since you left Jennifer unattended in the bath when she was 8 weeks old because you were drinking, we’re not planning for her to see you again” so she would know what the position in court would be and not try it. I would probably even do that digitally to make sure I had receipts.

This seeking for information isn’t people being prurient, some genuinely want to help you/ have been there (depending where “there” is)

OP here,

My father passed away many years ago, so that's not an issue. My mom, at this point, is no longer in good enough health to travel alone to us. Last time she came, she came with my brother, but he won't bring her against my will. So, there's no possibility of her showing up at our house unannounced, or anything like that. I am not concerned about a legal response.

If your mom is this poorly she'll be dead before your kids are adults

If you are threatening the mother's life, that's why OP won't visit.

OP here,

I didn't read the bolded as a threat.

I read that as making sure I'm aware that if I don't let my kids see my mother until my kids are adults, there's a good chance that they won't see my mother again.

Given her age, I am aware that that is a possibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she not remember what she did in 2019? It is extremely odd that you haven’t addressed it since then so the best comment is what numerous others have already said - “id like to come visit on XX, however based on what happened during the last visit, we won’t be bringing the kids for visits for the foreseeable future. We can talk about it when I come if you’d like”

She probably remembers she’s not senile. I don’t know if she knows that I know what happened.

We have had multiple major events, including deaths and severe illnesses since then. The timing was lousy.

So make a short trip to see her by yourself. When you are together you can address the 2019 incident. You may not even need to come out with the words about keeping her from the kids. Just tell her only you’re available to visits. You can add that given everything that’s happened and changed, you’re just making plans for your family day by day as you work through the issues of the past few years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it would be helpful to understand at least at the 50,000 foot level the nature of the 2019 incident— was someone put in immediate danger, was mental health involved, are there legal issues at play. The reason is because the response will vary; if your mother still lives with your father and you will be cut off from him if you tell her visits with the kids are off the table, I’d dissemble. Sorry this year we’re going to John’s parents for Thanksgiving. Yeah we want to have a quiet Mother’s Day at home. Etc.

If she’s the kind of dysfunctional to do something like “sue for grandparent visitation” then I would for sure say “Mom, since you left Jennifer unattended in the bath when she was 8 weeks old because you were drinking, we’re not planning for her to see you again” so she would know what the position in court would be and not try it. I would probably even do that digitally to make sure I had receipts.

This seeking for information isn’t people being prurient, some genuinely want to help you/ have been there (depending where “there” is)

OP here,

My father passed away many years ago, so that's not an issue. My mom, at this point, is no longer in good enough health to travel alone to us. Last time she came, she came with my brother, but he won't bring her against my will. So, there's no possibility of her showing up at our house unannounced, or anything like that. I am not concerned about a legal response.

If your mom is this poorly she'll be dead before your kids are adults

If you are threatening the mother's life, that's why OP won't visit.

Are you okay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:" Mom, 2 years ago you did something that really pissed DH off, mostly DH, but I'm kind of pissed too because he said I should be. Because of that, the kids won't be seeing you anymore. I still will be visiting you."

I am as pissed as DH.

It is bizarre (and the reason that people are probably reacting to your post) that something could be at once so upsetting that you are willing to cut off contact between a grandparent and her grandchildren, but so nonimportant that you wait 1.5 years to mention it. There were telephones, emails and Zoom calls during COVID.

I only hope the people who do this kind of thing recognize that they are modeling treatment of older family members for their children (and really not just older family members - if I make a big mistake, will mom and dad cut me off too?) and don't live to regret the decision.

For me, this would have to be an extremely serious situation to merit such behavior and my mother would have heard my voice reacting right then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:" Mom, 2 years ago you did something that really pissed DH off, mostly DH, but I'm kind of pissed too because he said I should be. Because of that, the kids won't be seeing you anymore. I still will be visiting you."

I am as pissed as DH.

It is bizarre (and the reason that people are probably reacting to your post) that something could be at once so upsetting that you are willing to cut off contact between a grandparent and her grandchildren, but so nonimportant that you wait 1.5 years to mention it. There were telephones, emails and Zoom calls during COVID.

I only hope the people who do this kind of thing recognize that they are modeling treatment of older family members for their children (and really not just older family members - if I make a big mistake, will mom and dad cut me off too?) and don't live to regret the decision.

For me, this would have to be an extremely serious situation to merit such behavior and my mother would have heard my voice reacting right then.

All of this!

Op claims it's because there were family deaths and illnesses etc. But Like you, if I'm going to ban my mother from seeing my kids it would be an egregious offense and it would have been dealt with at the time it happened at the most a few days later, not nearly 2 years later with no mention of it in between. That just seems really off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:" Mom, 2 years ago you did something that really pissed DH off, mostly DH, but I'm kind of pissed too because he said I should be. Because of that, the kids won't be seeing you anymore. I still will be visiting you."

I am as pissed as DH.

It is bizarre (and the reason that people are probably reacting to your post) that something could be at once so upsetting that you are willing to cut off contact between a grandparent and her grandchildren, but so nonimportant that you wait 1.5 years to mention it. There were telephones, emails and Zoom calls during COVID.

I only hope the people who do this kind of thing recognize that they are modeling treatment of older family members for their children (and really not just older family members - if I make a big mistake, will mom and dad cut me off too?) and don't live to regret the decision.

For me, this would have to be an extremely serious situation to merit such behavior and my mother would have heard my voice reacting right then.

All of this!

Op claims it's because there were family deaths and illnesses etc. But Like you, if I'm going to ban my mother from seeing my kids it would be an egregious offense and it would have been dealt with at the time it happened at the most a few days later, not nearly 2 years later with no mention of it in between. That just seems really off.

Yeah, none of this makes sense.

[Anonymous]

I’d still want to know even a hint. You’ve gotten great advice from folks here with a script for how to mention it, ranging from set and clear to more vague.

But what did she do? Did she scream at them or beat them? Did she tell them something in secret but you found out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d still want to know even a hint. You’ve gotten great advice from folks here with a script for how to mention it, ranging from set and clear to more vague.

But what did she do? Did she scream at them or beat them? Did she tell them something in secret but you found out?

She refused to watch them for a week while OP and her husband went on vacation .