If you cut off contact between your parent and your kids. How did you inform them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you actually planning to cut off all contact? Or just have different plans for one holiday? Not clear from what you wrote.

Up until now, we've only seen her for those two holidays. Mother's Day she came here, and Thanksgiving we went there. My plan is that I will still visit her but without the kids, but she will not be invited here. However, since I like to spend Thanksgiving with my kids, we'll need to find another time for me to visit.

This seems a little delusional? You actually think your relationship/visits with your mother would remain unchanged if you cut her off from her grandkids?

OP is talking about moving the date of a formerly regular visit. Not abandoning her mother on the street with a tent.

No you misread. OP is not allowing her mother to see her children anymore. According to her the children can reevaluate when they’re 18. It’s delusional to think that OP’s relationship with her mother will remain the same.

Are you OP, PP? We still don't know how old these children are. That's important information.

I'm not looking for advice on whether or not to cut off contact. I'm looking for advice on how to talk to my mom. I don't see how knowing my kids' ages would change that.

People are starting to give you a hard time because without more information it is basically impossible to give advice. Not sure what you want from people. Based on the very little information we have from you, if you are truly cutting all contact, you just say it, mom, due to xxxxx we can not let you be around the kids or have contact with them. Don't call them, write them, etc. until they are adults and can decide on their own.

I would be very hesitant to take advice from internet strangers regarding this. Cutting off your mother like this is well worth a visit or two to a therapist to explain the situation and get some insight from them on how best to proceed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you actually planning to cut off all contact? Or just have different plans for one holiday? Not clear from what you wrote.

Up until now, we've only seen her for those two holidays. Mother's Day she came here, and Thanksgiving we went there. My plan is that I will still visit her but without the kids, but she will not be invited here. However, since I like to spend Thanksgiving with my kids, we'll need to find another time for me to visit.

This seems a little delusional? You actually think your relationship/visits with your mother would remain unchanged if you cut her off from her grandkids?

OP is talking about moving the date of a formerly regular visit. Not abandoning her mother on the street with a tent.

No you misread. OP is not allowing her mother to see her children anymore. According to her the children can reevaluate when they’re 18. It’s delusional to think that OP’s relationship with her mother will remain the same.

Are you OP, PP? We still don't know how old these children are. That's important information.

I'm not looking for advice on whether or not to cut off contact. I'm looking for advice on how to talk to my mom. I don't see how knowing my kids' ages would change that.

People are starting to give you a hard time because without more information it is basically impossible to give advice. Not sure what you want from people. Based on the very little information we have from you, if you are truly cutting all contact, you just say it, mom, due to xxxxx we can not let you be around the kids or have contact with them. Don't call them, write them, etc. until they are adults and can decide on their own.

I would be very hesitant to take advice from internet strangers regarding this. Cutting off your mother like this is well worth a visit or two to a therapist to explain the situation and get some insight from them on how best to proceed.

This. And don't make executive decisions for children past the age of 7 or so. They will resent you for it. Big decisions past the age of 7 are a discussion, not a dictatorial declaration.

[Anonymous]

I’d like to know what the incident was? Having said that the examples a PP gave a few messages up would work if your mind is made up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did she do? This seems extreme. Have you considered the psychological damage of cutting off this relationship vs. just continuing to see her 2x/year and teaching them how to deal with her?

Kids don't suffer psychological damage from not seeing a distant relative that they once only saw twice a year.

NP here. Kids absolutely suffer psychological trauma from the unconscious and unprocessed issues of their own parents relationships with their parents. This is how generational trauma is passed on.

For example: let’s say someone has unprocessed issues with their own parent that they deal with by just cutting off said parent, but not doing the emotional healing work that the childhood wound needs to heal. The parent will absolutely carry this would into his/her parenting whether consciously or unconsciously. In my opinion it is less about this one visit and more about have you healed the stuff you have with the parent so that you don’t unconsciously bequeath it to your kids.

[Anonymous]

OP and her husband decided to stop contact between her mother and her kids. She asked for help/suggestions on how to handle this with her mother. The specific incident and ages of the kids are irrelevant and not providing this info saves OP from listening to a lot of people passing judgement.

OP: you might try asking your question here https://community.babycenter.com/groups/a4725/dwil_nation This community is about dealing with parents and in laws and will give you very specific suggestions.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are being very controlling with information. Maybe you are already aware.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did she do? This seems extreme. Have you considered the psychological damage of cutting off this relationship vs. just continuing to see her 2x/year and teaching them how to deal with her?

Kids don't suffer psychological damage from not seeing a distant relative that they once only saw twice a year.

NP here. Kids absolutely suffer psychological trauma from the unconscious and unprocessed issues of their own parents relationships with their parents. This is how generational trauma is passed on.

For example: let’s say someone has unprocessed issues with their own parent that they deal with by just cutting off said parent, but not doing the emotional healing work that the childhood wound needs to heal. The parent will absolutely carry this would into his/her parenting whether consciously or unconsciously. In my opinion it is less about this one visit and more about have you healed the stuff you have with the parent so that you don’t unconsciously bequeath it to your kids.

But that would be the case if the OP visited her parents or not. Hopefully OP has gotten therapy for whatever the unmentioned incident was. If it was this traumatic, she certainly needed it. That is way off topic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP and her husband decided to stop contact between her mother and her kids. She asked for help/suggestions on how to handle this with her mother. The specific incident and ages of the kids are irrelevant and not providing this info saves OP from listening to a lot of people passing judgement.

OP: you might try asking your question here https://community.babycenter.com/groups/a4725/dwil_nation This community is about dealing with parents and in laws and will give you very specific suggestions.

But OP will still have to be more specific in order to get meaningful help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You: “Mom, I hope to visit with you on June 5 in the afternoon.”
Mom: “Great, I can’t wait to see the kids.”
You: “ Kids will not be with me.”
Mom: “Why?”
You: “During our last visit, the INCIDENT has made me re-think their exposure to you”.

Prepare for mom to be mad and for her to cancel your visit.

+1

This feels like the right approach.

Also - I'm not the OP, but I don't find anything about what she's saying to be unreasonable, confusing, or troll-like. There are a TON of things that I could imagine a parent doing that would make me keep my kids away, but not keep myself away. Such as: Frequent drug use or drunkenness, constant use of racial epithets like N word, blaming every hangnail on the Jews or something, etc. If my mom was high all the time, I'd probably still see her twice a year, because she's my mom and I love her, but I would absolutely not have my kids around her. And I can see why she's not posting details either - it might be personally identifying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are being very controlling with information. Maybe you are already aware.

Of course I am aware. I don't think the information people seem to think they are entitled to is relevant to the question you are asking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You: “Mom, I hope to visit with you on June 5 in the afternoon.”
Mom: “Great, I can’t wait to see the kids.”
You: “ Kids will not be with me.”
Mom: “Why?”
You: “During our last visit, the INCIDENT has made me re-think their exposure to you”.

Prepare for mom to be mad and for her to cancel your visit.

+1

This feels like the right approach.

Also - I'm not the OP, but I don't find anything about what she's saying to be unreasonable, confusing, or troll-like. There are a TON of things that I could imagine a parent doing that would make me keep my kids away, but not keep myself away. Such as: Frequent drug use or drunkenness, constant use of racial epithets like N word, blaming every hangnail on the Jews or something, etc. If my mom was high all the time, I'd probably still see her twice a year, because she's my mom and I love her, but I would absolutely not have my kids around her. And I can see why she's not posting details either - it might be personally identifying.

I'm guessing you are lucky enough to not have crazy/dangerous people in your life (especially close family members like parents). Depending on what is going on with mom, cutting off contact in a very direct manner might trigger a shitstorm of epic proportions. I agree that OP does not need to share on this thread, but I would highly encourage seeking professional help before calling up mom and telling her she can no longer have contact with kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are being very controlling with information. Maybe you are already aware.

Of course I am aware. I don't think the information people seem to think they are entitled to is relevant to the question you are asking.

That should say, to the question I am asking.

Thank you to people who have provided concrete suggestions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since my kids were little, they've seen my mother twice a year for very structured visits on Mother's Day or Thanksgiving. After an incident at Thanksgiving 2019, my husband no longer wants my kids to see her, which I think is reasonable. ]

However, we haven't actually told her. Of course during Covid, visits haven't happened, but yesterday she mentioned that she's hoping there's a kid vaccine before Thanksgiving so we can come.

I am wondering if anyone has experience letting someone know that they won't be visiting.

What happened in 2019????

I’m trying to imagine what could be so bad that you’d want to cut off contact to your kids until they’re adults, and yet somehow not so bad that you want to keep seeing your mom. This whole thing sounds like crazy delusional.

Right because abusive stuff never happens. You sound crazy delusional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you actually planning to cut off all contact? Or just have different plans for one holiday? Not clear from what you wrote.

Up until now, we've only seen her for those two holidays. Mother's Day she came here, and Thanksgiving we went there. My plan is that I will still visit her but without the kids, but she will not be invited here. However, since I like to spend Thanksgiving with my kids, we'll need to find another time for me to visit.

This seems a little delusional? You actually think your relationship/visits with your mother would remain unchanged if you cut her off from her grandkids?

OP is talking about moving the date of a formerly regular visit. Not abandoning her mother on the street with a tent.

No you misread. OP is not allowing her mother to see her children anymore. According to her the children can reevaluate when they’re 18. It’s delusional to think that OP’s relationship with her mother will remain the same.

Are you OP, PP? We still don't know how old these children are. That's important information.

I'm not looking for advice on whether or not to cut off contact. I'm looking for advice on how to talk to my mom. I don't see how knowing my kids' ages would change that.

Because if they are old enough, you can let them decide if they want to travel with you to visit your mother or not. Are they past the age of reason?

Did you not actually read the immediately preceding sentences? Idiot.

[Anonymous]

Mom, after what happened in 2019, John and I are not comfortable with you being around the kids anymore. I'd still like to see you though - can you and I get together the Wednesday before thanksgiving?

Tell her now, so she has time to process it. Don't wait until November 20th.