If you cut off contact between your parent and your kids. How did you inform them?

[Anonymous]

Since my kids were little, they've seen my mother twice a year for very structured visits on Mother's Day or Thanksgiving. After an incident at Thanksgiving 2019, my husband no longer wants my kids to see her, which I think is reasonable.

However, we haven't actually told her. Of course during Covid, visits haven't happened, but yesterday she mentioned that she's hoping there's a kid vaccine before Thanksgiving so we can come.

I am wondering if anyone has experience letting someone know that they won't be visiting.

[Anonymous]

Are you actually planning to cut off all contact? Or just have different plans for one holiday? Not clear from what you wrote.

[Anonymous]

Assuming that you are just not attending her Thanksgiving party, just tell her that you can't make it this year and have other plans with other family. Isn't that true, too? It's not unreasonable to establish your own traditions with your own family for a holiday.

Our family used to have huge holidays with several generations. As the elder generation has died, they just sort of ended. No one made a grand proclamation. No one stepped up to host, so they ended. Whimper not a bang.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you actually planning to cut off all contact? Or just have different plans for one holiday? Not clear from what you wrote.

Up until now, we've only seen her for those two holidays. Mother's Day she came here, and Thanksgiving we went there. My plan is that I will still visit her but without the kids, but she will not be invited here. However, since I like to spend Thanksgiving with my kids, we'll need to find another time for me to visit.

[Anonymous]

What did she do? This seems extreme. Have you considered the psychological damage of cutting off this relationship vs. just continuing to see her 2x/year and teaching them how to deal with her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you actually planning to cut off all contact? Or just have different plans for one holiday? Not clear from what you wrote.

Up until now, we've only seen her for those two holidays. Mother's Day she came here, and Thanksgiving we went there. My plan is that I will still visit her but without the kids, but she will not be invited here. However, since I like to spend Thanksgiving with my kids, we'll need to find another time for me to visit.

This seems a little delusional? You actually think your relationship/visits with your mother would remain unchanged if you cut her off from her grandkids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you actually planning to cut off all contact? Or just have different plans for one holiday? Not clear from what you wrote.

Up until now, we've only seen her for those two holidays. Mother's Day she came here, and Thanksgiving we went there. My plan is that I will still visit her but without the kids, but she will not be invited here. However, since I like to spend Thanksgiving with my kids, we'll need to find another time for me to visit.

Well there you go. You are going to find another time to visit, not Thanksgiving. Then find that time and follow through. You're not cutting off contact- just rearranging your schedule as needed. If it were me, I would visit before Thanksgiving. Terrible time to travel anyway. Enjoy your new family holiday and enjoy visiting her at a different time!

[Anonymous]

I would not make an announcement about not seeing her.

I would suggest allowing her to see the kids on a NON holiday, and never unsupervised. Depending on what happened at Tday 2019 that was so bad.

Make other plans for Thanksgiving, inform her in September that you won't see her then, brace for an adult temper tantrum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you actually planning to cut off all contact? Or just have different plans for one holiday? Not clear from what you wrote.

Up until now, we've only seen her for those two holidays. Mother's Day she came here, and Thanksgiving we went there. My plan is that I will still visit her but without the kids, but she will not be invited here. However, since I like to spend Thanksgiving with my kids, we'll need to find another time for me to visit.

Well there you go. You are going to find another time to visit, not Thanksgiving. Then find that time and follow through. You're not cutting off contact- just rearranging your schedule as needed. If it were me, I would visit before Thanksgiving. Terrible time to travel anyway. Enjoy your new family holiday and enjoy visiting her at a different time!

I do not plan to ever let her see my kids until they are adults if they want to make that decision. How is that not cutting off contact between her and the kids? How is that just rearranging the schedule?

[Anonymous]

I called them and told them.

My parents are unfit for even adults to be around much less kids.

My mother in particular.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you actually planning to cut off all contact? Or just have different plans for one holiday? Not clear from what you wrote.

Up until now, we've only seen her for those two holidays. Mother's Day she came here, and Thanksgiving we went there. My plan is that I will still visit her but without the kids, but she will not be invited here. However, since I like to spend Thanksgiving with my kids, we'll need to find another time for me to visit.

This seems a little delusional? You actually think your relationship/visits with your mother would remain unchanged if you cut her off from her grandkids?

OP is talking about moving the date of a formerly regular visit. Not abandoning her mother on the street with a tent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you actually planning to cut off all contact? Or just have different plans for one holiday? Not clear from what you wrote.

Up until now, we've only seen her for those two holidays. Mother's Day she came here, and Thanksgiving we went there. My plan is that I will still visit her but without the kids, but she will not be invited here. However, since I like to spend Thanksgiving with my kids, we'll need to find another time for me to visit.

This seems a little delusional? You actually think your relationship/visits with your mother would remain unchanged if you cut her off from her grandkids?

I think OP is well aware that the relationship will change. She's asking for advice on how best to approach the communication with her mom about this change going forward.

OP, based on what you know about your mother, are there specific holidays or times or year (her birthday?) that you think she would like to have a visit AND will work with your schedule to visit her? If so, I do think it's a good idea to not wait until November, but go ahead and speak with her and offer some suggestions for times you could visit. You should be prepared that she might ask about coming to visit the kids (or you bringing the kids with you) and you just need to rehearse in your head a calm matter-of-fact response that that is not an option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you actually planning to cut off all contact? Or just have different plans for one holiday? Not clear from what you wrote.

Up until now, we've only seen her for those two holidays. Mother's Day she came here, and Thanksgiving we went there. My plan is that I will still visit her but without the kids, but she will not be invited here. However, since I like to spend Thanksgiving with my kids, we'll need to find another time for me to visit.

Well there you go. You are going to find another time to visit, not Thanksgiving. Then find that time and follow through. You're not cutting off contact- just rearranging your schedule as needed. If it were me, I would visit before Thanksgiving. Terrible time to travel anyway. Enjoy your new family holiday and enjoy visiting her at a different time!

I do not plan to ever let her see my kids until they are adults if they want to make that decision. How is that not cutting off contact between her and the kids? How is that just rearranging the schedule?

How old are the kids? Are they too young to make decisions on their own?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What did she do? This seems extreme. Have you considered the psychological damage of cutting off this relationship vs. just continuing to see her 2x/year and teaching them how to deal with her?

Kids don't suffer psychological damage from not seeing a distant relative that they once only saw twice a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you actually planning to cut off all contact? Or just have different plans for one holiday? Not clear from what you wrote.

Up until now, we've only seen her for those two holidays. Mother's Day she came here, and Thanksgiving we went there. My plan is that I will still visit her but without the kids, but she will not be invited here. However, since I like to spend Thanksgiving with my kids, we'll need to find another time for me to visit.

This seems a little delusional? You actually think your relationship/visits with your mother would remain unchanged if you cut her off from her grandkids?

OP is talking about moving the date of a formerly regular visit. Not abandoning her mother on the street with a tent.

I'm talking about not bringing my kids with me when I visit. The not bringing the kids part is a bigger change, than the date.