If you cut off contact between your parent and your kids. How did you inform them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you actually planning to cut off all contact? Or just have different plans for one holiday? Not clear from what you wrote.

Up until now, we've only seen her for those two holidays. Mother's Day she came here, and Thanksgiving we went there. My plan is that I will still visit her but without the kids, but she will not be invited here. However, since I like to spend Thanksgiving with my kids, we'll need to find another time for me to visit.

This seems a little delusional? You actually think your relationship/visits with your mother would remain unchanged if you cut her off from her grandkids?

OP is talking about moving the date of a formerly regular visit. Not abandoning her mother on the street with a tent.

No you misread. OP is not allowing her mother to see her children anymore. According to her the children can reevaluate when they’re 18. It’s delusional to think that OP’s relationship with her mother will remain the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you actually planning to cut off all contact? Or just have different plans for one holiday? Not clear from what you wrote.

Up until now, we've only seen her for those two holidays. Mother's Day she came here, and Thanksgiving we went there. My plan is that I will still visit her but without the kids, but she will not be invited here. However, since I like to spend Thanksgiving with my kids, we'll need to find another time for me to visit.

This seems a little delusional? You actually think your relationship/visits with your mother would remain unchanged if you cut her off from her grandkids?

OP is talking about moving the date of a formerly regular visit. Not abandoning her mother on the street with a tent.

No you misread. OP is not allowing her mother to see her children anymore. According to her the children can reevaluate when they’re 18. It’s delusional to think that OP’s relationship with her mother will remain the same.

Are you OP, PP? We still don't know how old these children are. That's important information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since my kids were little, they've seen my mother twice a year for very structured visits on Mother's Day or Thanksgiving. After an incident at Thanksgiving 2019, my husband no longer wants my kids to see her, which I think is reasonable. ]

However, we haven't actually told her. Of course during Covid, visits haven't happened, but yesterday she mentioned that she's hoping there's a kid vaccine before Thanksgiving so we can come.

I am wondering if anyone has experience letting someone know that they won't be visiting.

What happened in 2019????

I’m trying to imagine what could be so bad that you’d want to cut off contact to your kids until they’re adults, and yet somehow not so bad that you want to keep seeing your mom. This whole thing sounds like crazy delusional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you actually planning to cut off all contact? Or just have different plans for one holiday? Not clear from what you wrote.

Up until now, we've only seen her for those two holidays. Mother's Day she came here, and Thanksgiving we went there. My plan is that I will still visit her but without the kids, but she will not be invited here. However, since I like to spend Thanksgiving with my kids, we'll need to find another time for me to visit.

This seems a little delusional? You actually think your relationship/visits with your mother would remain unchanged if you cut her off from her grandkids?

OP is talking about moving the date of a formerly regular visit. Not abandoning her mother on the street with a tent.

No you misread. OP is not allowing her mother to see her children anymore. According to her the children can reevaluate when they’re 18. It’s delusional to think that OP’s relationship with her mother will remain the same.

I'm not sure where I gave the impression that I think my relationship will stay the same.

[Anonymous]

We have a grandparent who is pretty unstable - diagnosed bipolar, not very well managed. We decided long ago that our kids will never be alone with this grandparent. But there wasn't any big announcement - we just limit visits to very short and hover to monitor every interaction. We never go to the grandparent's house, only meet them someplace neutral and easily escapable. If things start to go south, we suddenly notice the time and pack up to leave.

In our case, a big announcement of cutting off contact would likely prompt the grandparent to show up on our doorstep. Depending on what your mom did, I might just start making excuses - you guys have other plans for T-day this year, but perhaps you could visit the weekend before? Oh, shoot, the kids have a big game that weekend, so they won't be able to join you...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since my kids were little, they've seen my mother twice a year for very structured visits on Mother's Day or Thanksgiving. After an incident at Thanksgiving 2019, my husband no longer wants my kids to see her, which I think is reasonable. ]

However, we haven't actually told her. Of course during Covid, visits haven't happened, but yesterday she mentioned that she's hoping there's a kid vaccine before Thanksgiving so we can come.

I am wondering if anyone has experience letting someone know that they won't be visiting.

What happened in 2019????

I’m trying to imagine what could be so bad that you’d want to cut off contact to your kids until they’re adults, and yet somehow not so bad that you want to keep seeing your mom. This whole thing sounds like crazy delusional.

OP is a troll. There are no actual children.

OP, ask your adult child and stop posting on this site and pretending to be her. Lame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a grandparent who is pretty unstable - diagnosed bipolar, not very well managed. We decided long ago that our kids will never be alone with this grandparent. But there wasn't any big announcement - we just limit visits to very short and hover to monitor every interaction. We never go to the grandparent's house, only meet them someplace neutral and easily escapable. If things start to go south, we suddenly notice the time and pack up to leave.

In our case, a big announcement of cutting off contact would likely prompt the grandparent to show up on our doorstep. Depending on what your mom did, I might just start making excuses - you guys have other plans for T-day this year, but perhaps you could visit the weekend before? Oh, shoot, the kids have a big game that weekend, so they won't be able to join you...

If the kids are not babies, PP, all of this is actually true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you actually planning to cut off all contact? Or just have different plans for one holiday? Not clear from what you wrote.

Up until now, we've only seen her for those two holidays. Mother's Day she came here, and Thanksgiving we went there. My plan is that I will still visit her but without the kids, but she will not be invited here. However, since I like to spend Thanksgiving with my kids, we'll need to find another time for me to visit.

This seems a little delusional? You actually think your relationship/visits with your mother would remain unchanged if you cut her off from her grandkids?

OP is talking about moving the date of a formerly regular visit. Not abandoning her mother on the street with a tent.

No you misread. OP is not allowing her mother to see her children anymore. According to her the children can reevaluate when they’re 18. It’s delusional to think that OP’s relationship with her mother will remain the same.

Are you OP, PP? We still don't know how old these children are. That's important information.

I'm not looking for advice on whether or not to cut off contact. I'm looking for advice on how to talk to my mom. I don't see how knowing my kids' ages would change that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you actually planning to cut off all contact? Or just have different plans for one holiday? Not clear from what you wrote.

Up until now, we've only seen her for those two holidays. Mother's Day she came here, and Thanksgiving we went there. My plan is that I will still visit her but without the kids, but she will not be invited here. However, since I like to spend Thanksgiving with my kids, we'll need to find another time for me to visit.

This seems a little delusional? You actually think your relationship/visits with your mother would remain unchanged if you cut her off from her grandkids?

OP is talking about moving the date of a formerly regular visit. Not abandoning her mother on the street with a tent.

No you misread. OP is not allowing her mother to see her children anymore. According to her the children can reevaluate when they’re 18. It’s delusional to think that OP’s relationship with her mother will remain the same.

Are you OP, PP? We still don't know how old these children are. That's important information.

I'm not looking for advice on whether or not to cut off contact. I'm looking for advice on how to talk to my mom. I don't see how knowing my kids' ages would change that.

Because if they are old enough, you can let them decide if they want to travel with you to visit your mother or not. Are they past the age of reason?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did she do? This seems extreme. Have you considered the psychological damage of cutting off this relationship vs. just continuing to see her 2x/year and teaching them how to deal with her?

Kids don't suffer psychological damage from not seeing a distant relative that they once only saw twice a year.

Oh. Thanks for telling me now! I would have saved myself all the suffering I've gone through if only I'd gotten your dictum earlier.

Cutting people off from their relatives does cause damage. Even if it is absolutely the right thing to do (and I can think of very few instances where this would be the case), there is still a wound. I promise you. I am living with that wound.

[Anonymous]

You: “Mom, I hope to visit with you on June 5 in the afternoon.”
Mom: “Great, I can’t wait to see the kids.”
You: “ Kids will not be with me.”
Mom: “Why?”
You: “During our last visit, the INCIDENT has made me re-think their exposure to you”.

Prepare for mom to be mad and for her to cancel your visit.

[Anonymous]

“Mom, the kids cannot make it, but I would like to come.”

She asks why “based on x incident, we are not bringing the kids to see you, but I would like to come.”

And then you either go or she totally freaks out and it is the end of all contact with her.

And start to realize that there will likely come a point where you cease all contact as well. It seems unlikely that someone doing something this bad will be cool with you changing the rules on them.

[Anonymous]

I think it is odd that this was not discussed just after what every happened happened. It is 2019, your mother does whatever. You call her and say I am applalled that you did this and I don'twant you near my child ren again. You do not have regular contact for over a year and then suddenly announce you are punishing her for 2019.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you actually planning to cut off all contact? Or just have different plans for one holiday? Not clear from what you wrote.

Up until now, we've only seen her for those two holidays. Mother's Day she came here, and Thanksgiving we went there. My plan is that I will still visit her but without the kids, but she will not be invited here. However, since I like to spend Thanksgiving with my kids, we'll need to find another time for me to visit.

This seems a little delusional? You actually think your relationship/visits with your mother would remain unchanged if you cut her off from her grandkids?

OP is talking about moving the date of a formerly regular visit. Not abandoning her mother on the street with a tent.

No you misread. OP is not allowing her mother to see her children anymore. According to her the children can reevaluate when they’re 18. It’s delusional to think that OP’s relationship with her mother will remain the same.

Are you OP, PP? We still don't know how old these children are. That's important information.

I'm not looking for advice on whether or not to cut off contact. I'm looking for advice on how to talk to my mom. I don't see how knowing my kids' ages would change that.

Because if they are old enough, you can let them decide if they want to travel with you to visit your mother or not. Are they past the age of reason?

I could, I'm not going to. I see this as a parental decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did she do? This seems extreme. Have you considered the psychological damage of cutting off this relationship vs. just continuing to see her 2x/year and teaching them how to deal with her?

Kids don't suffer psychological damage from not seeing a distant relative that they once only saw twice a year.

Oh. Thanks for telling me now! I would have saved myself all the suffering I've gone through if only I'd gotten your dictum earlier.

Cutting people off from their relatives does cause damage. Even if it is absolutely the right thing to do (and I can think of very few instances where this would be the case), there is still a wound. I promise you. I am living with that wound.

"People from their relatives" is a broad brush. I'm not damaged because I don't see my third cousins twice removed any more now that I am an adult. No trauma. We just grew apart.

If you are struggling from an estrangement, I recommend a therapist. They can teach you how to reframe your thinking so that you do not damage yourself.