Why are middle school girls so mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not a rhetorical question. Sometimes I just get so exhausted by the seventh grade drama I need a good dose of the psychology behind the poor behavior to get perspective. Thank you!!

Their moms are the crazy DCUM posters.

It wouldn’t surprise me. Insecurity breeds meanness.

[Anonymous]

This thread is interesting but I wonder if parents are a little clueless in the topic. In my limited experience many mean girls are otherwise together and appear (who knows but they appear) to have happy home lives. It is almost like it is a biological imperative for the strong to pick on the weak.

[Anonymous]

Many parents try to teach their kids to be strong and not take crap . The circle of mean keeps going
.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They usually have catty mothers.

+1

I'm embarassed to say that my mother encouraged and egged on much of my 7th/8th grade "mean girl" behavior.

Looking back, I think it was her VERY misguided attempt to protect me. For her, life is pretty black and white - if you don't seize the upper hand, you're doomed to be bullied (as she was in middle school.) And she didn't want me to suffer the way she had, so she encouraged me to be socially "alpha."

To my middle school friends' credit, they stopped tolerating this as we got older. They pushed back more and more as we approached high school, and in time my perspective began to shift. I learned to listen more critically to my mother's advice, relax a lot about the social hierarchy stuff, and be more empathetic towards others. Not gonna' lie - it was a painful and slow growth situation, but I got there over time.

This is my long way of encouraging you all (adults) to take your kids' peers' behavior with a grain of salt. Maybe some are truly "mean girls" who will stay that way. But maybe some are decent kids who are less mature or who are getting bad advice and modelling at home from their parents or older siblings.

These days, I encourage my middle school DD to show up very differently than I did. But I also help her push back on (or steer clear of) peers/friends who engage in "mean girl" behaviors. But I'm careful to focus on the BEHAVIORS rather than villify them as "bad kids." (Behaviors can change, character less so). And I also try to frame it as temporary. These kids are still really young, and many will figure out that they can't treat friends poorly and expect them to stick around. So maybe try to help your DD step back while still leaving the door open for later:

"Yeah, it sounds like Larla is lashing out a bunch on SnapChat right now. Sounds like she's going through some stuff and it's obviously not ok for her to take it out on you. How about holding off on responding next time she does that and give her some space instead. Hopefully she'll settle down some and treat you better. In the meantime, how about reaching out to some other friends instead?"

[Anonymous]

They start growing boobs and get their periods. These little shits then suddenly think that the attention from males equals some kind of superpower.

[Anonymous]

In my DD’s case, the first half of 6th grade was a little wild, as the friend groups from “rival” elementary schools came together and there was some tension as they figured out who would rise to dominate this new world order. A queen bee was very clearly established and she sort of tried out a few girls as friends to see if they made the cut, i.e. invited them to her house over the weekend, included them on exclusive group chats. My DD was in one week, out the next. I think it stung a lot for her at first, but now nearing the end of 7th grade, I think she’s a little more sure about who she is and what kind of people she wants to be around.

It stung a lot for me to watch as well, but I think it’s important to try not to put your own middle school baggage into it as adults. In some ways, this stuff is as old as time. But these kids also ostracize each other for completely different reasons than we might remember. It really is crucial for them to learn how to navigate these issues themselves, though, barring serious, ongoing bullying or imminent danger.

[Anonymous]

It doesn’t stop in HS unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my DD’s case, the first half of 6th grade was a little wild, as the friend groups from “rival” elementary schools came together and there was some tension as they figured out who would rise to dominate this new world order. A queen bee was very clearly established and she sort of tried out a few girls as friends to see if they made the cut, i.e. invited them to her house over the weekend, included them on exclusive group chats. My DD was in one week, out the next. I think it stung a lot for her at first, but now nearing the end of 7th grade, I think she’s a little more sure about who she is and what kind of people she wants to be around.

It stung a lot for me to watch as well, but I think it’s important to try not to put your own middle school baggage into it as adults. In some ways, this stuff is as old as time. But these kids also ostracize each other for completely different reasons than we might remember. It really is crucial for them to learn how to navigate these issues themselves, though, barring serious, ongoing bullying or imminent danger.

Curious what do they ostracize each other for now?- Clueless mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t stop in HS unfortunately.

No but I think it hits peak in MS.

[Anonymous]

Because we are encouraging unhealthy traits designed to make them “strong” but in the end result in boorish behaviors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t stop in HS unfortunately.

No but I think it hits peak in MS.

nope just becomes more stealth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my DD’s case, the first half of 6th grade was a little wild, as the friend groups from “rival” elementary schools came together and there was some tension as they figured out who would rise to dominate this new world order. A queen bee was very clearly established and she sort of tried out a few girls as friends to see if they made the cut, i.e. invited them to her house over the weekend, included them on exclusive group chats. My DD was in one week, out the next. I think it stung a lot for her at first, but now nearing the end of 7th grade, I think she’s a little more sure about who she is and what kind of people she wants to be around.

It stung a lot for me to watch as well, but I think it’s important to try not to put your own middle school baggage into it as adults. In some ways, this stuff is as old as time. But these kids also ostracize each other for completely different reasons than we might remember. It really is crucial for them to learn how to navigate these issues themselves, though, barring serious, ongoing bullying or imminent danger.

Curious what do they ostracize each other for now?- Clueless mom.

Being too pretty, getting attention from boys (especially the boys they like but don’t like them back), being self confident.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my DD’s case, the first half of 6th grade was a little wild, as the friend groups from “rival” elementary schools came together and there was some tension as they figured out who would rise to dominate this new world order. A queen bee was very clearly established and she sort of tried out a few girls as friends to see if they made the cut, i.e. invited them to her house over the weekend, included them on exclusive group chats. My DD was in one week, out the next. I think it stung a lot for her at first, but now nearing the end of 7th grade, I think she’s a little more sure about who she is and what kind of people she wants to be around.

It stung a lot for me to watch as well, but I think it’s important to try not to put your own middle school baggage into it as adults. In some ways, this stuff is as old as time. But these kids also ostracize each other for completely different reasons than we might remember. It really is crucial for them to learn how to navigate these issues themselves, though, barring serious, ongoing bullying or imminent danger.

Curious what do they ostracize each other for now?- Clueless mom.

In one instance, the queen bee temporarily cast one of her trusted followers aside for saying something homophobic. The outcast kids were actually kind of impressed. Even the popular kids at my DDs middle school are pretty woke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know. I wasn’t, but I was the victim of a significant amount of mean girl BS in middle school, and it devastated me. Like most adults who were once bullied, it has undermined my trust in people the rest of my life. On paper I was very successful as an adult but internally the damage remains and studies bear out that I am not an outlier.

If you figure out an answer I’d love to hear it.

Wow. This was me too. Summarily dumped by friends I had been best friends with from 4-6, but we got to 7th and was pushed out. Still no idea why despite reflection. At the same time my sister started hating me. Basically I never get past the acquaintance stage with anyone because I don’t believe they like me or don’t know how to make the friendship deeper. Most of my friendships have been with boys/men who liked me. So now that I’m married I’m pretty lonely since obviously those aren’t appropriate anymore. Such deep rejection and I don’t know where to start unpacking that mess in my head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t stop in HS unfortunately.

No but I think it hits peak in MS.

nope just becomes more stealth.

+1